---
The thing about international travel to and from a known ex-hot-zone area, is that you never really look at the place the same. Meaning, that if the location of your travels include unattractive aspects of local health hazards (intense burning diarreha, scalding humidity, anger bees-also known as normal bees, haphazard chickens with triple tumor hemmorages, et al), then by all natural instincts you shouldn’t frequent or even visit the place.
This I did not do; with SARS in it’s cautioned aftermath stage, I, along with a hefty crew of Thai travellers and HI-SO tourists alike went forward and went to China.. Shanghai to be more location-specific. And just to tell you up front, I ate street food, drank water from restaurant, went to an island getaway and sampled to cuisine(all vegetarian), and even stood in the acid rain just for fun.
The trip was the work-related camera job disquised as a tour5/vacation. I had a lot of fun though, don’t get me wrong. Planes, boats, busses. Taxis, personal valets….all of these things seem fun, and are to some extent, but are also nauseating, shifting, unclean, and moreover adventurous.
A rousing jaunty sojourn s what me and my compatriots had. It was a veritable festoon of visual delights; why I am describing the place as if I lived in the british victorian or renaissance era, I cann’t tell you why. But this I do know, I have no clue where that street squid came from, but it was sumptuous, lemme tell you what.
So a week goes by and I haul my three cameras and all of the equipment on my dainty yet strapping shoulders. Five days of lugging 20 lbs. of machinergadgetry up hills, down slopes with inclines of note, and aboard unsafe passenger vessels. And was it worth it? So so so worth it.
There is almost nothing like the pulsating energy of a mob of Chinese people screaming and pushing forward and trying to exit of a boat or elevator or crowded avenue or store of anything that requires the crossing of a doorway or threshold. It’s enigmatic and all inclusively lacking in the practices of self-restraint and the concept of the”personal bubble.”
Upon my return, i somehow feel refreshed and surprisingly more relaxed, even though my body went through hell, my mind was tuning itself to the languages and I tried to use more of my Thai and went places I wouldn’t go on my own or in a small group, and I did things, and took chances, and talked to strangers, and learned how not to cross a street in Shanghai so that you don’t get hit by a bike or bus or modified rickshaw or taxi. Upon my retun into Thailand, I recognized the sensation and feeling of happiness again, and it felt sort of like coming home.
Travel is fun, so call me up and lets do it to it!
---
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Friday, April 30, 2004
" shanghai flowers "
---
going tho shanghai tomorrow. i've never actually been in china, and it's going to be interesting that this show is the "in" for going. it'll be work, and not leisure that i am going to go there for the first time.
i wonder if it'll be nuts and hustle and bustle with pressures and schedules (as it has been as of late) or will it be a sight beyond anything that i have ever seen before? i am personally hoping for the latter.
what will happen to international bay?
tune in five days from now to find out!!
---
going tho shanghai tomorrow. i've never actually been in china, and it's going to be interesting that this show is the "in" for going. it'll be work, and not leisure that i am going to go there for the first time.
i wonder if it'll be nuts and hustle and bustle with pressures and schedules (as it has been as of late) or will it be a sight beyond anything that i have ever seen before? i am personally hoping for the latter.
what will happen to international bay?
tune in five days from now to find out!!
---
Thursday, April 29, 2004
" the silence of speaking "
---
coming here
wanting nothing but
be able to communicate with
my people; Thai people,
and then not being able
to say
one thing
not one
word.
i stand before them
inanimate
and stunned;
mouth agape
and slackjawed.
shame searing
across my blushed face.
to realize you are
a fraud, is a
devastating feeling;
even your face
gives you away.
each tone, movement, action,
and reaction all
betray me here,
and these social wounds
cut deep inside,
until i am left to do
nothing,
but be a twenty-four year-old
man
yet remain and feel
helpless and
vulnerable;
a newborn among
the masses.
---
coming here
wanting nothing but
be able to communicate with
my people; Thai people,
and then not being able
to say
one thing
not one
word.
i stand before them
inanimate
and stunned;
mouth agape
and slackjawed.
shame searing
across my blushed face.
to realize you are
a fraud, is a
devastating feeling;
even your face
gives you away.
each tone, movement, action,
and reaction all
betray me here,
and these social wounds
cut deep inside,
until i am left to do
nothing,
but be a twenty-four year-old
man
yet remain and feel
helpless and
vulnerable;
a newborn among
the masses.
---
" goldern sums of a beach! "
---
just what am i doing here?
let's see a summary
i am in thailand working for a woman i worked for in august of 2000. she's a hardcore business woman "personality," who is fairly hardcore, but only at face/business value.
she is now doing a cooking show on thai TV and cable, with aspirations to expand it beyond the screen and try and create a diverse cultural group of programming that will show the international community what thailand has to offer on a more accessible level.
my part in all of this is: i am doing some translation, voiceover on an english-language cable show, helping to design the english language website for the existing show, doing photography, helping being the representation in meetings for the foreign investors, doing "insert" dv camerawork for the cooking show, and a bunch of other menial things for the show. that's about it.
so you can see now why i hesitated to summarize in earlier correspondences. hah.
i hope that you are well, cause i am hot and swamped, but that's okay, at least i'm here.
missing you,
international bay
ps- look at this and tell all of your friends (i'm a towering 5'6"):
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2177&articleSrc=3&sid=88723551-1015-49B8-9802-37866805B553&trackingid=516163&theme=211&lid=160
---
just what am i doing here?
let's see a summary
i am in thailand working for a woman i worked for in august of 2000. she's a hardcore business woman "personality," who is fairly hardcore, but only at face/business value.
she is now doing a cooking show on thai TV and cable, with aspirations to expand it beyond the screen and try and create a diverse cultural group of programming that will show the international community what thailand has to offer on a more accessible level.
my part in all of this is: i am doing some translation, voiceover on an english-language cable show, helping to design the english language website for the existing show, doing photography, helping being the representation in meetings for the foreign investors, doing "insert" dv camerawork for the cooking show, and a bunch of other menial things for the show. that's about it.
so you can see now why i hesitated to summarize in earlier correspondences. hah.
i hope that you are well, cause i am hot and swamped, but that's okay, at least i'm here.
missing you,
international bay
ps- look at this and tell all of your friends (i'm a towering 5'6"):
http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=2177&articleSrc=3&sid=88723551-1015-49B8-9802-37866805B553&trackingid=516163&theme=211&lid=160
---
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
" strom clods "
---
you wake up to a sounds that resembles a dynamite explosion nestled in a wooden cave in a dark forest of the clouds which gather. the sounds echo in a deep resonating, blessed and fearful frequency. there's not much you can do but you lie awake now in your bed and just close your eyes back and experience what nature has come to be.
then the rains come.
first a light hint of pit-patterings, followed by the familiar taps of new rain hitting the beat earthen floor. and then, all of a sudden...
the storm of a raging beastial monsoon awakens and opens up and onto the land. there is almost no room to see beyond, because the rainfall is so intense and voluminous. you get up and peek out behind pastel vertical blinds in time to see the storm explode, and it all hit at once; this is real.
three hours later, after the storm has subsided, and the rain clouds are reduced from their carriage, the land dries up in the refreshed heat of a new day.
i love thailand.
---
you wake up to a sounds that resembles a dynamite explosion nestled in a wooden cave in a dark forest of the clouds which gather. the sounds echo in a deep resonating, blessed and fearful frequency. there's not much you can do but you lie awake now in your bed and just close your eyes back and experience what nature has come to be.
then the rains come.
first a light hint of pit-patterings, followed by the familiar taps of new rain hitting the beat earthen floor. and then, all of a sudden...
the storm of a raging beastial monsoon awakens and opens up and onto the land. there is almost no room to see beyond, because the rainfall is so intense and voluminous. you get up and peek out behind pastel vertical blinds in time to see the storm explode, and it all hit at once; this is real.
three hours later, after the storm has subsided, and the rain clouds are reduced from their carriage, the land dries up in the refreshed heat of a new day.
i love thailand.
---
Monday, April 26, 2004
" a different sort of freedom "
---
so lonely and hot here. i wish that some friends could come, even though i most likely would be too busy to enjoy their stay. i guess that it's fine though, because there is a certain freedom in being the inside foreigner; everyone is expecting you to be different and crazy and not understand the language, so when it comes true, no one is that much surprised.
last night i got bit all over my body by mosquitos, it made me hella paranoid and crazy. my dreams were all disturbed and the night only advanced because i pulled the covers completely over my head which made breathing both difficult and maddening. other than that things are going great. i hope that it remains this hot, cause i can dig it. the service aspect here is a little uncomfortable, ie-maids and servants/drivers. they sort of have that service as their job, which should be fine, but it still feels as if there is a discriminatory aspect to it. for fun, i like to wash my own dishes just to make them all surprised.
if there is one thing that i do enjoy though, it's that the people here live life very much to the fullest. there are extremes in the personalities which rival any of the same caliber of passion that is in the bay area. it's crazy to think that even though there are distinct yet subtley covert levels of discrimination , there still is a general sense of pride in oneself that keeps them up and positive. i love that.
---
so lonely and hot here. i wish that some friends could come, even though i most likely would be too busy to enjoy their stay. i guess that it's fine though, because there is a certain freedom in being the inside foreigner; everyone is expecting you to be different and crazy and not understand the language, so when it comes true, no one is that much surprised.
last night i got bit all over my body by mosquitos, it made me hella paranoid and crazy. my dreams were all disturbed and the night only advanced because i pulled the covers completely over my head which made breathing both difficult and maddening. other than that things are going great. i hope that it remains this hot, cause i can dig it. the service aspect here is a little uncomfortable, ie-maids and servants/drivers. they sort of have that service as their job, which should be fine, but it still feels as if there is a discriminatory aspect to it. for fun, i like to wash my own dishes just to make them all surprised.
if there is one thing that i do enjoy though, it's that the people here live life very much to the fullest. there are extremes in the personalities which rival any of the same caliber of passion that is in the bay area. it's crazy to think that even though there are distinct yet subtley covert levels of discrimination , there still is a general sense of pride in oneself that keeps them up and positive. i love that.
---
Sunday, April 25, 2004
" untrameng! "
---
if you know anything about the phenomenae that is ULTRAMAN, then you'll appreciate this:
tonight i went to a live interactive stage show/extraveganza at the meung thong IMPACT arena, to see an ultraman 4-D show, sponsered by channel 7 and sealect tuna. (the extra d is for the special effects, of which there were many.
first we were treated to the v.i.p. treatement, which means that you get to go behind the scenes and see all of the staff smoking in the back tent area, the actors/acrobats that are going to play ultraman characters (JOFFY, JACK, SEVEN, etc.) greasing up and getting into costume, and the other v.i.p.'s drinking tamarind juice.
the show was either so so rad or horrible; it really depends on your sense of adventure and suspension of belief.
it was a tribute to sponsership logo placement, voiceover continuity, and the whole thing was a thai translation of an existing japanese show, so the storyline had to be interesting to the core audience....which is 5-11 year olds....and their parents.
i was thinking the whole time, "big and mark would love this!!! too bad they're not here."
if anyone wants to visit me, tell me way in advance, so that i can make some sort of preparations. if not, email me at
golden_buddha23@hotmail.com
it never hurts to drop a line.
i am going to sleep now cause 98 degree humidity and 99 degree weather makes for a balmy sweaty skin day.
love the description huh? yeah i know it's gross, but whgat're you gonna do?
duh duh, duh (reading rainbow transition notes)
---
if you know anything about the phenomenae that is ULTRAMAN, then you'll appreciate this:
tonight i went to a live interactive stage show/extraveganza at the meung thong IMPACT arena, to see an ultraman 4-D show, sponsered by channel 7 and sealect tuna. (the extra d is for the special effects, of which there were many.
first we were treated to the v.i.p. treatement, which means that you get to go behind the scenes and see all of the staff smoking in the back tent area, the actors/acrobats that are going to play ultraman characters (JOFFY, JACK, SEVEN, etc.) greasing up and getting into costume, and the other v.i.p.'s drinking tamarind juice.
the show was either so so rad or horrible; it really depends on your sense of adventure and suspension of belief.
it was a tribute to sponsership logo placement, voiceover continuity, and the whole thing was a thai translation of an existing japanese show, so the storyline had to be interesting to the core audience....which is 5-11 year olds....and their parents.
i was thinking the whole time, "big and mark would love this!!! too bad they're not here."
if anyone wants to visit me, tell me way in advance, so that i can make some sort of preparations. if not, email me at
golden_buddha23@hotmail.com
it never hurts to drop a line.
i am going to sleep now cause 98 degree humidity and 99 degree weather makes for a balmy sweaty skin day.
love the description huh? yeah i know it's gross, but whgat're you gonna do?
duh duh, duh (reading rainbow transition notes)
---
Friday, April 23, 2004
" 99 degrees of temperature separation "
---
dear suzi-Q
i hope that you get better soon. drink some hot peppermint tea with honey and lemon in it, that;ll sooth your throuat and clear up your upper respritory system, sinus, et al.
i'm in thailand at my office now, so i guess we really won't hang out. i am glad that you are developing your darkroom; i'll have to try it out when i get back.
i have no clue when i might come home, because i am unsure whether or not i can get a work permit here. if the kingdom grants me one, i can stay legally for one year, instead of the usual tourit 30 days. i am going to do a little PR here for an international cooking show hosted by this woman i worked for in august of 2000. she is funny in the fact that she is all business and hi-so (upperclass), and yet wants to create a show and sense of on screen programming that is accessible by the masses as an equal. it's funny too, that i will be doing some work for her, because i can see how transparant this is, but it's a great opportunity to flex my creative skills.
other than that i don't as of yet know really what i'm doing here. but, that is the fun of it.i think i'll post this on my blog, so that everyone can see how weird this trip is going to be. but, in the interim, take care of yourself, tell daniel i said hi, and assure bridget that someday we will take cool bicycle photos on the train tracks. i promised didn't i?
on the setup tip, you want to make sure that you have three areas. depending on size of your space, this can be cramped, but you want to make sure they remain as seperate as possible:
1) prep area: a place, maybe a waist to ribs-level bench where you can look at your negs via a light table or a lamp. you can also use the floor around this area to store your chemistry, both unmixed and already prepared.
2) dry area: set up your enlarger here. usually set up with a base board and a timer attached, this area should be large enough sto both suit the size of the enlarger, and also an area to place other tools and/or negs and paper. nearby too can be a space for, focuscopes(the magnifier looking thingies), loupes, filters, photo easel, paper, straight edge cutting board & slicer, etc.
3) wet area: this is the place where you want to put all of your open chemistry, trays, and holding bins. i deally you would have a sink, so if this is the case, situate the wet area here, so as to not splash on anything that is irreplacable (negs, paper, anything stainable).
you also want to take into account ventilation and your safety lights: a fan or vent is ideal for refreshing the oxygen in the darkroom; you don't want to be huffing fumes all day....for once. the safety lights/lamps should be suited for the space; the amount of light and exact tint (red, orange, oreange-yellow) should be positioned so you can have it on when you enter the room, and be placed where you can view everything in the dry area, but also be luminate enough to gauge the correct exposure of the photos in the wet area. also because color photo might need a different shade depending on the sort of paper used.
this is important to note the strenth too, because you could fog your paper if it is left out too long under a strong light. a good tip would be to measure the distance from your light to your enlarger, and then to your wet trays, and look on the lights' box too see if it is an okay enought strength/distance.
other than that if you need more specifics, i can give you some more information. happy printing!
bay
ps- it's hot!
---
dear suzi-Q
i hope that you get better soon. drink some hot peppermint tea with honey and lemon in it, that;ll sooth your throuat and clear up your upper respritory system, sinus, et al.
i'm in thailand at my office now, so i guess we really won't hang out. i am glad that you are developing your darkroom; i'll have to try it out when i get back.
i have no clue when i might come home, because i am unsure whether or not i can get a work permit here. if the kingdom grants me one, i can stay legally for one year, instead of the usual tourit 30 days. i am going to do a little PR here for an international cooking show hosted by this woman i worked for in august of 2000. she is funny in the fact that she is all business and hi-so (upperclass), and yet wants to create a show and sense of on screen programming that is accessible by the masses as an equal. it's funny too, that i will be doing some work for her, because i can see how transparant this is, but it's a great opportunity to flex my creative skills.
other than that i don't as of yet know really what i'm doing here. but, that is the fun of it.i think i'll post this on my blog, so that everyone can see how weird this trip is going to be. but, in the interim, take care of yourself, tell daniel i said hi, and assure bridget that someday we will take cool bicycle photos on the train tracks. i promised didn't i?
on the setup tip, you want to make sure that you have three areas. depending on size of your space, this can be cramped, but you want to make sure they remain as seperate as possible:
1) prep area: a place, maybe a waist to ribs-level bench where you can look at your negs via a light table or a lamp. you can also use the floor around this area to store your chemistry, both unmixed and already prepared.
2) dry area: set up your enlarger here. usually set up with a base board and a timer attached, this area should be large enough sto both suit the size of the enlarger, and also an area to place other tools and/or negs and paper. nearby too can be a space for, focuscopes(the magnifier looking thingies), loupes, filters, photo easel, paper, straight edge cutting board & slicer, etc.
3) wet area: this is the place where you want to put all of your open chemistry, trays, and holding bins. i deally you would have a sink, so if this is the case, situate the wet area here, so as to not splash on anything that is irreplacable (negs, paper, anything stainable).
you also want to take into account ventilation and your safety lights: a fan or vent is ideal for refreshing the oxygen in the darkroom; you don't want to be huffing fumes all day....for once. the safety lights/lamps should be suited for the space; the amount of light and exact tint (red, orange, oreange-yellow) should be positioned so you can have it on when you enter the room, and be placed where you can view everything in the dry area, but also be luminate enough to gauge the correct exposure of the photos in the wet area. also because color photo might need a different shade depending on the sort of paper used.
this is important to note the strenth too, because you could fog your paper if it is left out too long under a strong light. a good tip would be to measure the distance from your light to your enlarger, and then to your wet trays, and look on the lights' box too see if it is an okay enought strength/distance.
other than that if you need more specifics, i can give you some more information. happy printing!
bay
ps- it's hot!
---
Thursday, April 22, 2004
" 14 hours to go "
---
yesterday my dad took me up to the bank. we talked for a bit, and he told me that he wanted me to do the best job i could in thailand. i sat there in his van listening to the words come out of his mouth; the way he talks, the rythym of his speech and the care in his voice. like one of those brief moments where you realize that your parents are real people and they love you.
we went inside to the teller and he got me an amount of money in the form of travellers' checks. while the teller was processing them, he said to me that forever how long i stay, i have to work hard, and learn, and have fun. there's nothing like this sort of opportunity left for me. before you leave, use this money to go travelling around for two weeks, explore the country, see out house, and visit your family.
i started tearing up in line in the bank on solono, and i had to just let it go. so i stood there crying with my dad in a bank.
those are the moments which define a relationship, and one of the things i'll take with me on my trip.
wish me luck.
---
yesterday my dad took me up to the bank. we talked for a bit, and he told me that he wanted me to do the best job i could in thailand. i sat there in his van listening to the words come out of his mouth; the way he talks, the rythym of his speech and the care in his voice. like one of those brief moments where you realize that your parents are real people and they love you.
we went inside to the teller and he got me an amount of money in the form of travellers' checks. while the teller was processing them, he said to me that forever how long i stay, i have to work hard, and learn, and have fun. there's nothing like this sort of opportunity left for me. before you leave, use this money to go travelling around for two weeks, explore the country, see out house, and visit your family.
i started tearing up in line in the bank on solono, and i had to just let it go. so i stood there crying with my dad in a bank.
those are the moments which define a relationship, and one of the things i'll take with me on my trip.
wish me luck.
---
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
" crying in the dark "
---
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
you sit and wait to be entertained, and lo, here comes the onslaught that is kaufman and gondry.
you cry internal to the external. you shudder and laugh. you begin to realize that love is just as blissfull and as painful as our grasp on reality. it wanes and refuels, it bends and shifts, it becomes truth and it causes distress.
and yet i cannot help but feel for these two lost people. i want them to be able to overcome all of this pain and hurt and memory, so that i can feel that i can overcome anything that i may go through.
i want to love and give love and recieve love and be happy and make others happy and safe and important and feel rage if i am in a fit and feel hurt when i in pain.
these are the important things that i want to explore and share and observe and study and engage and be about.
what else can you do for me?
what can you do for yourself?
if connections that are so elusive become obsessive desires and warp our beings in the plight for it, that eternal "it," then why do we seek it so fervently?
and the answer is always the same.
i just cannot help myself. i am in love with being in love.
bay to all...
...ps-i leave on thursday, so you're all going to have to learn to survive out there without me for a tic.
---
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
you sit and wait to be entertained, and lo, here comes the onslaught that is kaufman and gondry.
you cry internal to the external. you shudder and laugh. you begin to realize that love is just as blissfull and as painful as our grasp on reality. it wanes and refuels, it bends and shifts, it becomes truth and it causes distress.
and yet i cannot help but feel for these two lost people. i want them to be able to overcome all of this pain and hurt and memory, so that i can feel that i can overcome anything that i may go through.
i want to love and give love and recieve love and be happy and make others happy and safe and important and feel rage if i am in a fit and feel hurt when i in pain.
these are the important things that i want to explore and share and observe and study and engage and be about.
what else can you do for me?
what can you do for yourself?
if connections that are so elusive become obsessive desires and warp our beings in the plight for it, that eternal "it," then why do we seek it so fervently?
and the answer is always the same.
i just cannot help myself. i am in love with being in love.
bay to all...
...ps-i leave on thursday, so you're all going to have to learn to survive out there without me for a tic.
---
Monday, April 19, 2004
" why is it? "
---
why is it every time you plan to leave to somewhere for a long time, something wants you to stay? how come these things never come up before, and how come i still am leaving in s[ite of these happenings?
it never ceases to confound my better judgement on the topic of money too. i save, and i save up a lot. i wouldn't say i'm cheap, but i am mindful of my bill-fold. and how come for the past week, i've been at a pub or a bar or a social beverage-consuming gathering every night? i have no clue, but somehow i close the place down and end up eating at nations.
so to all, thanks for being there for me this past week, i'm really going to miss you. send me your addy's and i'll drop yous a postcard.
until then...
---
why is it every time you plan to leave to somewhere for a long time, something wants you to stay? how come these things never come up before, and how come i still am leaving in s[ite of these happenings?
it never ceases to confound my better judgement on the topic of money too. i save, and i save up a lot. i wouldn't say i'm cheap, but i am mindful of my bill-fold. and how come for the past week, i've been at a pub or a bar or a social beverage-consuming gathering every night? i have no clue, but somehow i close the place down and end up eating at nations.
so to all, thanks for being there for me this past week, i'm really going to miss you. send me your addy's and i'll drop yous a postcard.
until then...
---
Friday, April 16, 2004
" hah ahaha aha ah "
---
like some sort of urban ninja, i'll make my way to the airport and the plan for my escape out of coffee hell will be complete. i'll fly from SFO until i reach japan, then from tokyo fly to BKK, thailand.
then i'll have a great trip. i'll take a thousand great photographs and smell the air of my secondary homeland. i'm going to eat from a food stall on the street, buy fruit from a woman with a motorized bike/icebox contraption, learn some new aspects of myself, speak thai and be made fun of but prasied, sit quietly alone in my air-conditioned room and ponder "just what does this all mean?" over and over and over again until my mind is numb and i'm too hot to care.
yes, all of these things will happen and even more so.
so.
i guess i'm out of here like i said.
and as the moment of departure looms ever closer, i start to wonder if there's anything i'm forgetting.....don't you hate that feeling?
---
like some sort of urban ninja, i'll make my way to the airport and the plan for my escape out of coffee hell will be complete. i'll fly from SFO until i reach japan, then from tokyo fly to BKK, thailand.
then i'll have a great trip. i'll take a thousand great photographs and smell the air of my secondary homeland. i'm going to eat from a food stall on the street, buy fruit from a woman with a motorized bike/icebox contraption, learn some new aspects of myself, speak thai and be made fun of but prasied, sit quietly alone in my air-conditioned room and ponder "just what does this all mean?" over and over and over again until my mind is numb and i'm too hot to care.
yes, all of these things will happen and even more so.
so.
i guess i'm out of here like i said.
and as the moment of departure looms ever closer, i start to wonder if there's anything i'm forgetting.....don't you hate that feeling?
---
Monday, April 12, 2004
" it's time to go... "
---
Dayday1550: hi bay
Dayday1550: its laurel
weederman23: it's you!
Dayday1550: yes it is
Dayday1550: em's here tho
weederman23: i saw a taller brunettier twin of yours today at my work
Dayday1550: she just got back from santa barbara
Dayday1550: hmm?
weederman23: her last name is smith, and she's from oregon, but i didn't catch her first name
Dayday1550: realllly
weederman23: weird huh?
Dayday1550: she looked like me?
Dayday1550: weird
weederman23: tell emilie i said yo
weederman23: she sorta did look like you
weederman23: it was weird
weederman23: yah
Dayday1550: she says "what happened to sugar dumpling?"
weederman23: nothing i guess
weederman23: i don't understand anymore
Dayday1550: hi bay, it's me
weederman23: hello
weederman23: i am so delerious
weederman23: i worked allll day
weederman23: and tomorrow i'm gonna do it again
Dayday1550: that's life i guess
weederman23: it's true
Dayday1550: i saw a good foreign flick
Dayday1550: wilbur wants to kill himself
weederman23: which one?
weederman23: oh man that one looked good too
weederman23: i hella want to see "garden state"
Dayday1550: it was good, but i don't recommend it for anyone who might be sad or already trying to kill themselves
Dayday1550: i want to see that one too
weederman23: true on both those accounts
weederman23: so...
weederman23: i might be leaving the country
weederman23: for an undisclosed amount of time
Dayday1550: where the hell are you going?
weederman23: thailand, shanghai china, and back to thailand, then, who knows
weederman23: do some photo, some camera stuff, look for work
Dayday1550: WOW
Dayday1550: what brought this on?
weederman23: i still have to think about what it is i'm going to do
weederman23: i got a call from that woman i worked for in 2000, and she asked me if i could go help her out taking some photos and whatnot
weederman23: but she still hasn't called back telling me what specifically i'd be doing
weederman23: that, and also i have nothing really going on in the US
weederman23: or even locally in the bay area
Dayday1550: you are typing too fast
weederman23: no good job to holdme back and no one to stay for really
weederman23: sorry
weederman23: i get in "the zone" sometimes
weederman23: i'll stop
Dayday1550: ok
Dayday1550: i caught up
weederman23: so that's the line of thought i have,
weederman23: why not go" i ask myself
Dayday1550: you should go
weederman23: and so for the past few days i've been doing some heavy thought
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: half exciting half sad
Dayday1550: i wish i could go somewhere now and someone who looks like me could finish my quarter
weederman23: you start to realize that people you care about want you to go
weederman23: wait for the cloning machine to be mass marketed on the infomercials
---
Dayday1550: hi bay
Dayday1550: its laurel
weederman23: it's you!
Dayday1550: yes it is
Dayday1550: em's here tho
weederman23: i saw a taller brunettier twin of yours today at my work
Dayday1550: she just got back from santa barbara
Dayday1550: hmm?
weederman23: her last name is smith, and she's from oregon, but i didn't catch her first name
Dayday1550: realllly
weederman23: weird huh?
Dayday1550: she looked like me?
Dayday1550: weird
weederman23: tell emilie i said yo
weederman23: she sorta did look like you
weederman23: it was weird
weederman23: yah
Dayday1550: she says "what happened to sugar dumpling?"
weederman23: nothing i guess
weederman23: i don't understand anymore
Dayday1550: hi bay, it's me
weederman23: hello
weederman23: i am so delerious
weederman23: i worked allll day
weederman23: and tomorrow i'm gonna do it again
Dayday1550: that's life i guess
weederman23: it's true
Dayday1550: i saw a good foreign flick
Dayday1550: wilbur wants to kill himself
weederman23: which one?
weederman23: oh man that one looked good too
weederman23: i hella want to see "garden state"
Dayday1550: it was good, but i don't recommend it for anyone who might be sad or already trying to kill themselves
Dayday1550: i want to see that one too
weederman23: true on both those accounts
weederman23: so...
weederman23: i might be leaving the country
weederman23: for an undisclosed amount of time
Dayday1550: where the hell are you going?
weederman23: thailand, shanghai china, and back to thailand, then, who knows
weederman23: do some photo, some camera stuff, look for work
Dayday1550: WOW
Dayday1550: what brought this on?
weederman23: i still have to think about what it is i'm going to do
weederman23: i got a call from that woman i worked for in 2000, and she asked me if i could go help her out taking some photos and whatnot
weederman23: but she still hasn't called back telling me what specifically i'd be doing
weederman23: that, and also i have nothing really going on in the US
weederman23: or even locally in the bay area
Dayday1550: you are typing too fast
weederman23: no good job to holdme back and no one to stay for really
weederman23: sorry
weederman23: i get in "the zone" sometimes
weederman23: i'll stop
Dayday1550: ok
Dayday1550: i caught up
weederman23: so that's the line of thought i have,
weederman23: why not go" i ask myself
Dayday1550: you should go
weederman23: and so for the past few days i've been doing some heavy thought
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: half exciting half sad
Dayday1550: i wish i could go somewhere now and someone who looks like me could finish my quarter
weederman23: you start to realize that people you care about want you to go
weederman23: wait for the cloning machine to be mass marketed on the infomercials
---
Saturday, April 10, 2004
" i'm outta here....um, again "
---
soooooooooooo yeah,
i am going to china it seems. yes, it's true.
for a week.
to work with a crew doing still photo and DV camera work.
fun right?
i hope i don't get monkey pox or what not.
bye in may.
---
soooooooooooo yeah,
i am going to china it seems. yes, it's true.
for a week.
to work with a crew doing still photo and DV camera work.
fun right?
i hope i don't get monkey pox or what not.
bye in may.
---
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
" getting new connections are like getting new diapers... "
---
...because you never quite realized how much poo you were previously sitting in. i just hooked up the new computer plus a new super LAN connection. i used to be blind, and now i see. when you upgrade your computer, you not only become that much more of a nerd and introvert, you become a super nerd and a super power if not localized in your basement room. so watch out. this nerd's got diggity lan flavoured dsl! and i'm not afraid to use it.
can this get any more sad?
---
...because you never quite realized how much poo you were previously sitting in. i just hooked up the new computer plus a new super LAN connection. i used to be blind, and now i see. when you upgrade your computer, you not only become that much more of a nerd and introvert, you become a super nerd and a super power if not localized in your basement room. so watch out. this nerd's got diggity lan flavoured dsl! and i'm not afraid to use it.
can this get any more sad?
---
Monday, April 05, 2004
" sometimes you just want to believe "
---
self doubt is the killer of dreams
i can see that it's beginning to get serious. the game is no longer fun, the chase no longer interactive. i feel that that dream job is not coming to me. i must go to find it.
and just what the hell are "they" looking for anyways? passion? check. a bright and bedazzling sense of vision? um, check much? and what else? drive, panache, individualism, the ability to work with others and alone?
it's time i think to make a choice about whther i want to work in a coffee shop any longer, or if i want to make movies.
i think i'm starting to realize that i'd rather smell like movies rather than coffee grounds.
---
self doubt is the killer of dreams
i can see that it's beginning to get serious. the game is no longer fun, the chase no longer interactive. i feel that that dream job is not coming to me. i must go to find it.
and just what the hell are "they" looking for anyways? passion? check. a bright and bedazzling sense of vision? um, check much? and what else? drive, panache, individualism, the ability to work with others and alone?
it's time i think to make a choice about whther i want to work in a coffee shop any longer, or if i want to make movies.
i think i'm starting to realize that i'd rather smell like movies rather than coffee grounds.
---
Monday, March 29, 2004
" the end of my introduction to police quotas "
---
well it's done. i've done the time, and i've persevered. at least i think i have. it makes you wonder if you as the average person will ever win against fraudulent policemen. i was stopped for a dumb ass reason and i ended up paying the price; both financially as well as chronologically. so here is the end result of that part of my vehicular life thus far...and it only cost me an average amount of 220 dollars:
Congratulations! You have successfully passed the Final Exam.
Below is your confirmation information:
Name: C.bay Milin
Student ID: Cbay861031
License #: --------
Passed date: 2004-03-29
Jurisdiction: CA / Alameda / Berkeley-Albany Court
Docket#: ----------
You passed your Final Exam with score of 100 percent.
This e-mail message is your confirmation that you have
successfully completed the course. Please print or store this message for
your records.
Below is the information regarding your certificate processing.
Although not listed in this email, all express delivery requests
and other requested extra services will be properly noted and
carried out when we process your certificate. If you have not
requested an express delivery or any other extra service option
and you would like to do so now, please contact our office for
assistance.
Your certificate is free!
Your jurisdiction requires your signature on the original completion
certificate, therefore we will mail the original certificate to you via standard
U.S. Mail to your address. Your certificate will be mailed the same day if you
complete the course by 3pm PST / 6pm EST weekdays and 2pm PST / 5pm EST
Saturday, excluding holidays. Standard mail can take about 3 to 5 business days
on the West Coast and 5 to 7 business days on the East Coast. Express delivery
options are available.
Thank you for choosing our online traffic school course. We
wish you a future of safe driving!
Sincerely,
The Staff Of Traffic School Online
...
i don't know if the system works, but it's definitely doing something.
---
well it's done. i've done the time, and i've persevered. at least i think i have. it makes you wonder if you as the average person will ever win against fraudulent policemen. i was stopped for a dumb ass reason and i ended up paying the price; both financially as well as chronologically. so here is the end result of that part of my vehicular life thus far...and it only cost me an average amount of 220 dollars:
Congratulations! You have successfully passed the Final Exam.
Below is your confirmation information:
Name: C.bay Milin
Student ID: Cbay861031
License #: --------
Passed date: 2004-03-29
Jurisdiction: CA / Alameda / Berkeley-Albany Court
Docket#: ----------
You passed your Final Exam with score of 100 percent.
This e-mail message is your confirmation that you have
successfully completed the course. Please print or store this message for
your records.
Below is the information regarding your certificate processing.
Although not listed in this email, all express delivery requests
and other requested extra services will be properly noted and
carried out when we process your certificate. If you have not
requested an express delivery or any other extra service option
and you would like to do so now, please contact our office for
assistance.
Your certificate is free!
Your jurisdiction requires your signature on the original completion
certificate, therefore we will mail the original certificate to you via standard
U.S. Mail to your address. Your certificate will be mailed the same day if you
complete the course by 3pm PST / 6pm EST weekdays and 2pm PST / 5pm EST
Saturday, excluding holidays. Standard mail can take about 3 to 5 business days
on the West Coast and 5 to 7 business days on the East Coast. Express delivery
options are available.
Thank you for choosing our online traffic school course. We
wish you a future of safe driving!
Sincerely,
The Staff Of Traffic School Online
...
i don't know if the system works, but it's definitely doing something.
---
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
" martian shores "
---
we've found evidence of water
upon martian shores
so why can't we get me a better job?
---
we've found evidence of water
upon martian shores
so why can't we get me a better job?
---
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
" gee golly and diddly dang man "
---
so last night i decide to try my hand at selling crap on ebay. i chose a motor drive power winder that i have had sitting on my shelf for around two years or so. it doesn't even work with any of the cameras i have, so i said to myself what the hey.
then!
when i go to check the status in the morning, cambuff1 has already bought the thing!
now amid a flutter of cyber paperwork and merchant email invoice-type distributionaryness, i am sent spiraling into the nutty world of the ebay seller.
i've gotten the first taste, and there's no turning back.
i think.
---
so last night i decide to try my hand at selling crap on ebay. i chose a motor drive power winder that i have had sitting on my shelf for around two years or so. it doesn't even work with any of the cameras i have, so i said to myself what the hey.
then!
when i go to check the status in the morning, cambuff1 has already bought the thing!
now amid a flutter of cyber paperwork and merchant email invoice-type distributionaryness, i am sent spiraling into the nutty world of the ebay seller.
i've gotten the first taste, and there's no turning back.
i think.
---
Monday, March 22, 2004
" the aftermath of dogs "
---
okay, so i call the berkeley emergency pet care center, the place with the lockers...and i talk to this man who rushes through my questions and asks me only what color the dog is and what locker i placed him in.
he quickly replied to me the owner has him, then hung up on me.
curt, busy, and to the point i suppose. but the owner has the dog now, so i guess there's that...
---
okay, so i call the berkeley emergency pet care center, the place with the lockers...and i talk to this man who rushes through my questions and asks me only what color the dog is and what locker i placed him in.
he quickly replied to me the owner has him, then hung up on me.
curt, busy, and to the point i suppose. but the owner has the dog now, so i guess there's that...
---
" sweet sweet dog "
---
today while at work i found a dog wandering the streets and no one was around that looked like they owned this dog, so i whistled it over and he was this beautiful chocolate brown beige and white tinged dog. mid-sized and no barking-type.
i had no idea what to do, but felt that i couldn't leave him to roam the street all willy nilly, so i took him into my work and had him lie down near to me so i could keep an eye on him. i checked the tags while giving him some water and there was a name and number, so i called it.
no one picked, up and they had an emergency pet number to call, so i called them. they said to bring the dog by at 10th and university after i was done closing at work.
i took the dog there after work, and he was so trusting and sweet and sad. i wanted to find his owner so that he could go somewhere where he could be loved and get food and shelter...
when i got to the pet hospital i filled out some forms and answered some basic information questions, but when it came time to leave him there, they said that there was no room!
where is this sweet sweet doggie going to stay? i toyed around with the notion to take him home, but i found out that you could locker stays at the dog pet emergency center on 2nd at addison. so i drove there next.
the hardest part was putting him into the locker. i filled out the form and wrote notes to the place employees on how i found him, what i did while he was in my care, and how he ended up there. and then when it came time to place him into the locker, he didn't want to go in. i had to sit there and sing bob marley songs to him so that he knew that i had tried my best to do him right.
as i left the lockers area, i felt so bad that he had to stay there.
tomorrow i suppose i will find out what is going to happen to him, sweet sweet doggie.
with fingers crossed for good luck,
good night.
---
today while at work i found a dog wandering the streets and no one was around that looked like they owned this dog, so i whistled it over and he was this beautiful chocolate brown beige and white tinged dog. mid-sized and no barking-type.
i had no idea what to do, but felt that i couldn't leave him to roam the street all willy nilly, so i took him into my work and had him lie down near to me so i could keep an eye on him. i checked the tags while giving him some water and there was a name and number, so i called it.
no one picked, up and they had an emergency pet number to call, so i called them. they said to bring the dog by at 10th and university after i was done closing at work.
i took the dog there after work, and he was so trusting and sweet and sad. i wanted to find his owner so that he could go somewhere where he could be loved and get food and shelter...
when i got to the pet hospital i filled out some forms and answered some basic information questions, but when it came time to leave him there, they said that there was no room!
where is this sweet sweet doggie going to stay? i toyed around with the notion to take him home, but i found out that you could locker stays at the dog pet emergency center on 2nd at addison. so i drove there next.
the hardest part was putting him into the locker. i filled out the form and wrote notes to the place employees on how i found him, what i did while he was in my care, and how he ended up there. and then when it came time to place him into the locker, he didn't want to go in. i had to sit there and sing bob marley songs to him so that he knew that i had tried my best to do him right.
as i left the lockers area, i felt so bad that he had to stay there.
tomorrow i suppose i will find out what is going to happen to him, sweet sweet doggie.
with fingers crossed for good luck,
good night.
---
Thursday, March 18, 2004
" good-bye la-la land "
---
a good time had by all.
so good last night roscoes chicken and waffles #13 the carole c. special oh yeah!
good trip up today, left at 9.30, stopped twice, made it into albany by 3.30
dropped of banjo the dog at ******'s house
went out to dinner at Man Puku with ****
then shopping at ameoba and cody's and moe's
glad to be home
smoosh
---
a good time had by all.
so good last night roscoes chicken and waffles #13 the carole c. special oh yeah!
good trip up today, left at 9.30, stopped twice, made it into albany by 3.30
dropped of banjo the dog at ******'s house
went out to dinner at Man Puku with ****
then shopping at ameoba and cody's and moe's
glad to be home
smoosh
---
Monday, March 15, 2004
" almost there "
---
train departing, holding baggage in tightly clamped hand.
my shoulders ache and i am tired by this trip.
the girl on the train wears clothes that i have never seen her wearing before,
and i don't know how to feel.
she's holding a tiny purse with a silver clasp.
the loose strands in her hair sway in the breeze.
i can see that she's gone far and she doesn't look the same.
just in parts; her hands, her exposed feet, her frame.
it's time to leave this train at the station and head in another direction.
the sun is so hot as it bares it's solar teeth into the back of my neck;
it seems as if i have been standing there forever.
tired, spent, alone, and weary.
as i turn to leave the station,
i take the old memories of her and place them
within my bulging luggage.
even with my shoulders tight with a bright pain,
it seems that the trip home will be okay.
the train starts to lull forward and the girls fades away.
i smell faint wisps of her skin on the air, and
i can feel her eyes tuning and looking away.
it is a new day.
---
train departing, holding baggage in tightly clamped hand.
my shoulders ache and i am tired by this trip.
the girl on the train wears clothes that i have never seen her wearing before,
and i don't know how to feel.
she's holding a tiny purse with a silver clasp.
the loose strands in her hair sway in the breeze.
i can see that she's gone far and she doesn't look the same.
just in parts; her hands, her exposed feet, her frame.
it's time to leave this train at the station and head in another direction.
the sun is so hot as it bares it's solar teeth into the back of my neck;
it seems as if i have been standing there forever.
tired, spent, alone, and weary.
as i turn to leave the station,
i take the old memories of her and place them
within my bulging luggage.
even with my shoulders tight with a bright pain,
it seems that the trip home will be okay.
the train starts to lull forward and the girls fades away.
i smell faint wisps of her skin on the air, and
i can feel her eyes tuning and looking away.
it is a new day.
---
Saturday, March 13, 2004
" caught off gaurd "
---
you start to think about the things that really meant something in your life; those moments which define who you are, what you like, what you decide is just, and true, and fair. and you begin every day to better become the person you are.
the constant questioning of the Self, and self worth, and impact in others that you have, and the way people that you care about reflect all of those things back to you start to become so important, that you almost have lost yourself in the journey of it all.
trying to be true to my heart and physical being is always thus the same daily concern then. when am i being true to myself? when am i being all that i want to be, and am i being fair to myself? can i be selfish and introverted at will, or do i filter who i am, in the light of other?
to always be droll and malcontent in my search for a love that will define all of my as of yet non fulfilled hearts yearnings, then become an anchor and a hinderence. how can ittract anyone, especially someone that i might be good with and alongside of, if i cannot get past the biggest of barriers, which is my lack to see with open eyes? and it seems that i have been searching ever long. and when it becomes a daily thought and ritual to deconstruct one's self, that can feel like the anchor will never rise to the surface.
i suppose then, that i am being true, and i am being just me, and this becomes slowly real and honest. if i am hurt it will be seen and heard; if i am happy you will see my smile and laugh, and all of that brightness returns.
and with that last beautiful thought, i am going to stop writing and think not on the laments of ghost-happenings of the past, and start to move beyond my comfort zones; to break through again to the other side, and see who i'll evolve into next.
to discover another love in any other way would be default.
---
you start to think about the things that really meant something in your life; those moments which define who you are, what you like, what you decide is just, and true, and fair. and you begin every day to better become the person you are.
the constant questioning of the Self, and self worth, and impact in others that you have, and the way people that you care about reflect all of those things back to you start to become so important, that you almost have lost yourself in the journey of it all.
trying to be true to my heart and physical being is always thus the same daily concern then. when am i being true to myself? when am i being all that i want to be, and am i being fair to myself? can i be selfish and introverted at will, or do i filter who i am, in the light of other?
to always be droll and malcontent in my search for a love that will define all of my as of yet non fulfilled hearts yearnings, then become an anchor and a hinderence. how can ittract anyone, especially someone that i might be good with and alongside of, if i cannot get past the biggest of barriers, which is my lack to see with open eyes? and it seems that i have been searching ever long. and when it becomes a daily thought and ritual to deconstruct one's self, that can feel like the anchor will never rise to the surface.
i suppose then, that i am being true, and i am being just me, and this becomes slowly real and honest. if i am hurt it will be seen and heard; if i am happy you will see my smile and laugh, and all of that brightness returns.
and with that last beautiful thought, i am going to stop writing and think not on the laments of ghost-happenings of the past, and start to move beyond my comfort zones; to break through again to the other side, and see who i'll evolve into next.
to discover another love in any other way would be default.
---
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
" huh? where? how? "
---
1) take the 80 to the ____ to the 5
2) 5 to the 134, get off at hollywood way
3) left at hollywood way, right on Magnolia, left at n. cordova that WAMU is on the corner
1) take the 134W towards pasadena
2) exit at figeroa, continue past columbia and york
3) left at ave. 60
4) right at collis, left at pullman, left at dead end
1) take 134E to the 101N
2) merge onto the 405S
3) exit at wilshire, follow until you see a tiny three-story on the left
1) right on magnolia
2) left at hollywood way
3) right on olive
4) follow olive until it becomes barham
5) take barham to a dead end, turn left
6) follow alongside the 101 until coming alongside Highland
7) take highland all the way down past sunset, santa monica, and hollywood blvd
8) make a right on melrose, left two blocks after fairfax, immediate right into alley way, two stores down
8a) make a right on melrose, left on martel, right on rosewood, park
8b) make a right on olympic, follow olympic for 3-4 miles, call for help
are we there yet?
---
1) take the 80 to the ____ to the 5
2) 5 to the 134, get off at hollywood way
3) left at hollywood way, right on Magnolia, left at n. cordova that WAMU is on the corner
1) take the 134W towards pasadena
2) exit at figeroa, continue past columbia and york
3) left at ave. 60
4) right at collis, left at pullman, left at dead end
1) take 134E to the 101N
2) merge onto the 405S
3) exit at wilshire, follow until you see a tiny three-story on the left
1) right on magnolia
2) left at hollywood way
3) right on olive
4) follow olive until it becomes barham
5) take barham to a dead end, turn left
6) follow alongside the 101 until coming alongside Highland
7) take highland all the way down past sunset, santa monica, and hollywood blvd
8) make a right on melrose, left two blocks after fairfax, immediate right into alley way, two stores down
8a) make a right on melrose, left on martel, right on rosewood, park
8b) make a right on olympic, follow olympic for 3-4 miles, call for help
are we there yet?
---
" convincing yourself... "
---
it's fine. suprisingly good as well. when you pent up so much anger and time into disliking a place, it can get fairly exhaustive. like trying to find out the name of that band who sang that song? you know it, it's right there, and yet, it gets so frustrating; trying to remember what it all was, as if you never knew them at all.
so i might be wrong about la-la land. it's been good to me this time, and i wanted to out that aspect of this trip to myself. last night i spent some time with patrick and his g/f jen. we played a kick-ass game of super scrabble and just had fun. i went to in-and-out with patrick and we were talking about how it was rad that two friends that know eachother fairly well, can still co-exist in an environment roughly 400 some miles away from their home and initial comfort zone; another shining example of humans innate ability to conform to the rapidly changing environmental elements, whether structural or seasonal.
i am about to go down to the costa mesa/irvine region of california tomorrow and hope to have a good time there as well. the sun is shining above, bright and hot. all of my "tasks" are finished, and it feels as if everything is going to be okay. it's sort of scary.
---
it's fine. suprisingly good as well. when you pent up so much anger and time into disliking a place, it can get fairly exhaustive. like trying to find out the name of that band who sang that song? you know it, it's right there, and yet, it gets so frustrating; trying to remember what it all was, as if you never knew them at all.
so i might be wrong about la-la land. it's been good to me this time, and i wanted to out that aspect of this trip to myself. last night i spent some time with patrick and his g/f jen. we played a kick-ass game of super scrabble and just had fun. i went to in-and-out with patrick and we were talking about how it was rad that two friends that know eachother fairly well, can still co-exist in an environment roughly 400 some miles away from their home and initial comfort zone; another shining example of humans innate ability to conform to the rapidly changing environmental elements, whether structural or seasonal.
i am about to go down to the costa mesa/irvine region of california tomorrow and hope to have a good time there as well. the sun is shining above, bright and hot. all of my "tasks" are finished, and it feels as if everything is going to be okay. it's sort of scary.
---
Saturday, March 06, 2004
" L.A. shows "
---
soooooooooooo, i went to this rad show last night; it was geld at the "Henry Ford Music Box Theatre," in Hollywood. i loved it. in fact i almost couldn't remember what a big booming rockin' ass show felt like. iwhen we got there (i went with a friend of mine's vanessa yanez), there was this rip-roaring band called The Peak Show on stage tearing the shit out of everything. the lead singer, a flapper dressed super diva extending her larynx and diaphram to the limits, and dancing up a storm alongside her fellow musically hard as fudge cohorts. i was peeing, literally peeing my pants...okay not literally, but i almost felt a trickle of happiness somewhere.
they sang a number of tunes all in a joyuously positively radiant manner; heavy on drums, steady rock, deep deep thrusts of bass, and melodically hued vocal tones; the highlight of their slate being an homage to rage against the machine intro to one of their somgs....there's just something about a lady rocker belting out rage, that touches me deep inside where i am soft like a woman.
then Go Betty Go mounted the stage after a while and ruled in the girl band super kick ass high volume and high energy way. if i wasn't a fan before, i was up on their van wagon and riding alongside the demon. the drummer was so phatty; i almost wanted to sit nestled inside her bass drum and cuddle with her snare, it was so fuckin' awsome. tearing the shit out of her kit like newly formed waves upon ancient shores. and the bassist although petite in stature kept it all together with the timely exacting finger plucks that won you over.
the headliner was a smiths cover band that ruled in the most awkward way. like, i knew the words, but everyone was a tad too excited; how do you love a cover band so much? is it that they evoke memories or experiences of the original band so much? is it that they are the closest that you'll ever get to the "real thing?" truly a sight to see,; men and women alike nearly to tears scrambling together closely knit and as tight as cranny, waiting for the blessed moment that flowers would be lovingly tossed into the crowd. i think at those moments, i was so outside of what i consider my "comfort zone" that i had to move a coupla steps back...but it was fun to witness over all.
all of the guys in the crowd were so varied, it's hard to believe that such a motley crue was seen together; rockers with tats, cholo looking dudes, tiny kids with big hair, fat old men with no hair, dorks, hipsters, braided natives-looking pierced and bespectacled tranny, and others as well. all of the ladies either were dressed in everyday garb, or as i called them, clad to the nines in something i like to call, "starlet harlott" costume; sort of a modern pseudo hipster-glam-punky interpretation of a darker fifties suzy baker's daughter on the weekends making out with bobby whittaker in the back of a caddy look. it's pretty hot.
so yay L.A. damn you! i had fun.
what ever will i do?!
---
soooooooooooo, i went to this rad show last night; it was geld at the "Henry Ford Music Box Theatre," in Hollywood. i loved it. in fact i almost couldn't remember what a big booming rockin' ass show felt like. iwhen we got there (i went with a friend of mine's vanessa yanez), there was this rip-roaring band called The Peak Show on stage tearing the shit out of everything. the lead singer, a flapper dressed super diva extending her larynx and diaphram to the limits, and dancing up a storm alongside her fellow musically hard as fudge cohorts. i was peeing, literally peeing my pants...okay not literally, but i almost felt a trickle of happiness somewhere.
they sang a number of tunes all in a joyuously positively radiant manner; heavy on drums, steady rock, deep deep thrusts of bass, and melodically hued vocal tones; the highlight of their slate being an homage to rage against the machine intro to one of their somgs....there's just something about a lady rocker belting out rage, that touches me deep inside where i am soft like a woman.
then Go Betty Go mounted the stage after a while and ruled in the girl band super kick ass high volume and high energy way. if i wasn't a fan before, i was up on their van wagon and riding alongside the demon. the drummer was so phatty; i almost wanted to sit nestled inside her bass drum and cuddle with her snare, it was so fuckin' awsome. tearing the shit out of her kit like newly formed waves upon ancient shores. and the bassist although petite in stature kept it all together with the timely exacting finger plucks that won you over.
the headliner was a smiths cover band that ruled in the most awkward way. like, i knew the words, but everyone was a tad too excited; how do you love a cover band so much? is it that they evoke memories or experiences of the original band so much? is it that they are the closest that you'll ever get to the "real thing?" truly a sight to see,; men and women alike nearly to tears scrambling together closely knit and as tight as cranny, waiting for the blessed moment that flowers would be lovingly tossed into the crowd. i think at those moments, i was so outside of what i consider my "comfort zone" that i had to move a coupla steps back...but it was fun to witness over all.
all of the guys in the crowd were so varied, it's hard to believe that such a motley crue was seen together; rockers with tats, cholo looking dudes, tiny kids with big hair, fat old men with no hair, dorks, hipsters, braided natives-looking pierced and bespectacled tranny, and others as well. all of the ladies either were dressed in everyday garb, or as i called them, clad to the nines in something i like to call, "starlet harlott" costume; sort of a modern pseudo hipster-glam-punky interpretation of a darker fifties suzy baker's daughter on the weekends making out with bobby whittaker in the back of a caddy look. it's pretty hot.
so yay L.A. damn you! i had fun.
what ever will i do?!
---
" photographic mishaps..."
---
weederman23: here i am
loki331: dude!
loki331: i'm watching ali g
weederman23: finally right?
weederman23: hells yeah
loki331: yeah, where are you?
weederman23: loooord mercy
weederman23: at my uncles' abode
weederman23: i got the photos from iceland back
weederman23: and man
weederman23: i fucked up bigtime
loki331: whaaaat!?
weederman23: remember around akeureyri
weederman23: i was tripping about the exposure index compensation thingie?
loki331: before or after?
loki331: dude, ali g is sooo fucking retarded
weederman23: i mean that potion in lieu of already pushing the film 2 stops
weederman23: so tard
weederman23: during shooting
weederman23: and i would already have the 100 speed @ 400, then on top of that add compensation
weederman23: yeah, well, now i know not to ever do that ever
weederman23: ever
weederman23: i got maybe 10 percent of photos to come out properly exposed
weederman23: the bulk of the rest lie somewhere inbetween "almost good" purgatory, and underexposed hell
weederman23: so a boo on me thus
loki331: well, that's not all of them tho, right?
weederman23: yeah
loki331: sorry, i was trying to think in my head what you meant
loki331: lol
weederman23: but most of the cool ones i thought i made, turned out to be so internally disappointing
loki331: aww, dude, i'm sorry to hear that
weederman23: and photographically laughable, considering my experience
weederman23: some really cool shots turned out so dark
loki331: how many stops did you push in developing?
weederman23: and almost okay, but not really
weederman23: 2.5
weederman23: just to get the most out of both over and under compensation from the initial push
weederman23: i'll scan the cool ones
loki331: yeah, dude, of course
loki331: i'm sure there's some salvageable stuff
loki331: especially with the computer
weederman23: suprisingly however, the nightscapes, almost all of them in fact, turned out superb and right on the mark
weederman23: i just feel bad, because if i go over to show your parents, i'll feel less-than
weederman23: like they'll say, "hey bay...so this is what you think of iceland"
weederman23: :-(
loki331: bah, whatever, i know there's plenty of good stuff
loki331: you can't always get everything you want out of it
loki331: i suppose you really hate me and my digital right now, eh?
loki331: :-weederman23: not really
weederman23: because even though my stuff flubbed photgraphically, it's a good reference digitally
weederman23: damn upsides!
loki331: no, no, yay upsides!
- you are right petur, you damn lucky right guy.
---
weederman23: here i am
loki331: dude!
loki331: i'm watching ali g
weederman23: finally right?
weederman23: hells yeah
loki331: yeah, where are you?
weederman23: loooord mercy
weederman23: at my uncles' abode
weederman23: i got the photos from iceland back
weederman23: and man
weederman23: i fucked up bigtime
loki331: whaaaat!?
weederman23: remember around akeureyri
weederman23: i was tripping about the exposure index compensation thingie?
loki331: before or after?
loki331: dude, ali g is sooo fucking retarded
weederman23: i mean that potion in lieu of already pushing the film 2 stops
weederman23: so tard
weederman23: during shooting
weederman23: and i would already have the 100 speed @ 400, then on top of that add compensation
weederman23: yeah, well, now i know not to ever do that ever
weederman23: ever
weederman23: i got maybe 10 percent of photos to come out properly exposed
weederman23: the bulk of the rest lie somewhere inbetween "almost good" purgatory, and underexposed hell
weederman23: so a boo on me thus
loki331: well, that's not all of them tho, right?
weederman23: yeah
loki331: sorry, i was trying to think in my head what you meant
loki331: lol
weederman23: but most of the cool ones i thought i made, turned out to be so internally disappointing
loki331: aww, dude, i'm sorry to hear that
weederman23: and photographically laughable, considering my experience
weederman23: some really cool shots turned out so dark
loki331: how many stops did you push in developing?
weederman23: and almost okay, but not really
weederman23: 2.5
weederman23: just to get the most out of both over and under compensation from the initial push
weederman23: i'll scan the cool ones
loki331: yeah, dude, of course
loki331: i'm sure there's some salvageable stuff
loki331: especially with the computer
weederman23: suprisingly however, the nightscapes, almost all of them in fact, turned out superb and right on the mark
weederman23: i just feel bad, because if i go over to show your parents, i'll feel less-than
weederman23: like they'll say, "hey bay...so this is what you think of iceland"
weederman23: :-(
loki331: bah, whatever, i know there's plenty of good stuff
loki331: you can't always get everything you want out of it
loki331: i suppose you really hate me and my digital right now, eh?
loki331: :-weederman23: not really
weederman23: because even though my stuff flubbed photgraphically, it's a good reference digitally
weederman23: damn upsides!
loki331: no, no, yay upsides!
- you are right petur, you damn lucky right guy.
---
Friday, March 05, 2004
" the news from the east cometh "
---
weederman23: and just as soon as she clicked online, there he was
weederman23: like a dark night looming
Daffie26: like magic
weederman23: or a whisper in ears unprepared
Daffie26: goodness
weederman23: goodness?
weederman23: did i upset you?
Daffie26: certainly not
weederman23: phew
weederman23: (wipes cybernetic brow thusly)
---
weederman23: and just as soon as she clicked online, there he was
weederman23: like a dark night looming
Daffie26: like magic
weederman23: or a whisper in ears unprepared
Daffie26: goodness
weederman23: goodness?
weederman23: did i upset you?
Daffie26: certainly not
weederman23: phew
weederman23: (wipes cybernetic brow thusly)
---
" p.s. to wednesday"
---
thanks for hanging out with me today nicole. you are rad. falafel, MOCA, punch drunk love, melrose shoppin', and jewish bakery adventures ensue. go banana!
---
thanks for hanging out with me today nicole. you are rad. falafel, MOCA, punch drunk love, melrose shoppin', and jewish bakery adventures ensue. go banana!
---
" snikkt! "
---
L.a, L.A. it's a hell of a town.
so, so far i have gotten my thesi film back from fotokem, went to a community protest with my good friend alana, her sister vanessa, and her mom elva, set up a telecine at magic film and video works, met up with my friend of recent old nicole, and contacted everyone else that i plan to see this week.
all in all thus far, i feel really good about the trip. oddly aldult. i want to create something now. a job, a piece, a photographic something; as in the film almost famous, it feels as if " it's all happening." the smog is not as thick, the purple sunsets not as menacingly there, and everyone seems less irate and more at ease.
i hate to say it, but i could see myself growing to like the darn place. jeez, there must be something in the water. in spite of the intense plasticine gloss over the shite of the area, it's slowly growing on me in a wierd way. until i find something really wrong with LA, i'm doing good. keep that head up yo, the silver lining is gleaming across the skies above.
booyah
---
L.a, L.A. it's a hell of a town.
so, so far i have gotten my thesi film back from fotokem, went to a community protest with my good friend alana, her sister vanessa, and her mom elva, set up a telecine at magic film and video works, met up with my friend of recent old nicole, and contacted everyone else that i plan to see this week.
all in all thus far, i feel really good about the trip. oddly aldult. i want to create something now. a job, a piece, a photographic something; as in the film almost famous, it feels as if " it's all happening." the smog is not as thick, the purple sunsets not as menacingly there, and everyone seems less irate and more at ease.
i hate to say it, but i could see myself growing to like the darn place. jeez, there must be something in the water. in spite of the intense plasticine gloss over the shite of the area, it's slowly growing on me in a wierd way. until i find something really wrong with LA, i'm doing good. keep that head up yo, the silver lining is gleaming across the skies above.
booyah
---
Saturday, February 28, 2004
" on the road again "
---
okay.
i know that everytime i get the travel itch, i most likely go to LA. just to spend a few days in that crazy city is almost worth the drive down. i enjoy looking at all of the acres of california produce whirring by in a comorful and bountiful blur. the trees plump with figs and nuts and oranges and all sorts of consumables. it's almost a shame that also along this lazy strip of highway there also is the smelliest passage before the grapevine, the methane cows of I-5.
aaaaaand, i know that i always say i hate LA, but then why do i go there? i can tel you it's not foe the city's excellent fresh air, its world-class public transportation, or its purple sunsets...no. it is the fact that there lives there people that i care about, and i'd rather tolerate the nuttiness of hell-A, rather than sit in my dank pit of a room and fester.
so, i;m off on monday, i'll probably post, and hopefully too, i will have a great time.
here's to travel.
---
okay.
i know that everytime i get the travel itch, i most likely go to LA. just to spend a few days in that crazy city is almost worth the drive down. i enjoy looking at all of the acres of california produce whirring by in a comorful and bountiful blur. the trees plump with figs and nuts and oranges and all sorts of consumables. it's almost a shame that also along this lazy strip of highway there also is the smelliest passage before the grapevine, the methane cows of I-5.
aaaaaand, i know that i always say i hate LA, but then why do i go there? i can tel you it's not foe the city's excellent fresh air, its world-class public transportation, or its purple sunsets...no. it is the fact that there lives there people that i care about, and i'd rather tolerate the nuttiness of hell-A, rather than sit in my dank pit of a room and fester.
so, i;m off on monday, i'll probably post, and hopefully too, i will have a great time.
here's to travel.
---
Monday, February 23, 2004
" sleepy peepy "
---
woke up this morning at 2:45pm. i had a fairly okay night full of cleaning up homeless man excrement at work and looking through about the whole lentgh of my life through photograh up until 3am.
right now i am eating for breakfast a bowl of blueberries, some brie and crackers.
aaaaaaand the world is now a better place.
---
woke up this morning at 2:45pm. i had a fairly okay night full of cleaning up homeless man excrement at work and looking through about the whole lentgh of my life through photograh up until 3am.
right now i am eating for breakfast a bowl of blueberries, some brie and crackers.
aaaaaaand the world is now a better place.
---
Thursday, February 19, 2004
" mommy, what's wrong with me? "
---
below is what is to be the last of the festival rejection (oops, i mean "non-inclusion") emails/notices i am to recieve for the first try at submitting to festivals. i tried, local, coastal, inland, and international festivals, and it seems unanimous, my work is not good enough.
i suppose i cannot help but feel bad for my work, but it helps stave off the pangs of multiple rejection. some questions come to mind:
what could i have done better?
was it really that bad?
was it so good, it would've overthrown the rest of submissions?
what did they really think of it?
and then i notice a blazing similarity in these questions of film festivals, and relationships at the end of their life.
but whateve, i cannot stop being a filmmaker, so onward ho!
or something optimistic like that.
---
195 Chrystie St. #503, New York, NY. 10002 ph: 212 614 2775 / fax: 212 614 2776
Dear filmmaker,
We sincerely apologize for these delayed notices, and thank you for submitting your work to the 11th Annual NY Underground Film Festival.
Unfortunately, the NY Underground Film Festival will not be able to accommodate a screening for you in 2004. Our Festival Selection Committee viewed close to 1400 film and video entries, decisions were extremely difficult, and many examples of excellent work did not make the final cut.
Thank you for considering the NY Underground Film Festival, and we sincerely look forward to seeing work from you in the future.
Sincerely,
Kendra Gaeta
Festival Director
Ed Halter
Executive Producer
below is what is to be the last of the festival rejection (oops, i mean "non-inclusion") emails/notices i am to recieve for the first try at submitting to festivals. i tried, local, coastal, inland, and international festivals, and it seems unanimous, my work is not good enough.
i suppose i cannot help but feel bad for my work, but it helps stave off the pangs of multiple rejection. some questions come to mind:
what could i have done better?
was it really that bad?
was it so good, it would've overthrown the rest of submissions?
what did they really think of it?
and then i notice a blazing similarity in these questions of film festivals, and relationships at the end of their life.
but whateve, i cannot stop being a filmmaker, so onward ho!
or something optimistic like that.
---
195 Chrystie St. #503, New York, NY. 10002 ph: 212 614 2775 / fax: 212 614 2776
Dear filmmaker,
We sincerely apologize for these delayed notices, and thank you for submitting your work to the 11th Annual NY Underground Film Festival.
Unfortunately, the NY Underground Film Festival will not be able to accommodate a screening for you in 2004. Our Festival Selection Committee viewed close to 1400 film and video entries, decisions were extremely difficult, and many examples of excellent work did not make the final cut.
Thank you for considering the NY Underground Film Festival, and we sincerely look forward to seeing work from you in the future.
Sincerely,
Kendra Gaeta
Festival Director
Ed Halter
Executive Producer
Sunday, February 15, 2004
" V.D. "
---
and so another one passes, uneventful. i had planned maybe to attend a live reading by a cuppa tea-friend, but sadly it didn't happen. rather, i woke up early and went to looking glass to print for 4 orso hours. it's so immensely theraputic to create and produce, that i nearly forgot the hallmarknessy tinge to the day's tone. alas, as i exited the darkroom and into the light, all i could find on my visual radar was roses, couples fondling each other, kisses, candy ads, bouquets, pink, red and any other representation of love, passion, blood, and sensuality.
but meh. i'm over it as soon at it started and evolved thusly.
i ended the day by visiting my uncles' restaurant to eat brelundinner and then to celedon to sip tea for 3 hours while sketching quietly. and now home at last, it was a beautiful day in spite of the socially encouraged status quo.
i hope you got some some.
---
and so another one passes, uneventful. i had planned maybe to attend a live reading by a cuppa tea-friend, but sadly it didn't happen. rather, i woke up early and went to looking glass to print for 4 orso hours. it's so immensely theraputic to create and produce, that i nearly forgot the hallmarknessy tinge to the day's tone. alas, as i exited the darkroom and into the light, all i could find on my visual radar was roses, couples fondling each other, kisses, candy ads, bouquets, pink, red and any other representation of love, passion, blood, and sensuality.
but meh. i'm over it as soon at it started and evolved thusly.
i ended the day by visiting my uncles' restaurant to eat brelundinner and then to celedon to sip tea for 3 hours while sketching quietly. and now home at last, it was a beautiful day in spite of the socially encouraged status quo.
i hope you got some some.
---
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
" what've you got to give? "
---
what am i doing??!?
in terms of artist, i believe i have a plethora of talents. with such a confidence on such elusively concrete terms, i have to be sure to give them my all, my everything. i have no choice, says most artits; true artists have no choice but to creat. call it a drive, call it a lust, call it embodiment of a spirit, it exists, and i am taken by it.
art and exression feuls my every day, and haunts me in my sleep. it softens lifes' blows, eases physical ails, and provides me with those silent multiples of voices and observences that never get audibly shared.
i am a filmmaker, poet, photographer, painter, writer, and more.
i want to do more, see more, experience more. i want to feed on the worlds foods, engorge my whims with ideologies and stories, ride languages like a stream of consiousness, and be able to also inhabit the subtle, the quiet moments, and the tame
it's a tough gig, this life, but every day it seems that i have no choice nut to exist honestly within it, so that's what i am going to do.
---
what am i doing??!?
in terms of artist, i believe i have a plethora of talents. with such a confidence on such elusively concrete terms, i have to be sure to give them my all, my everything. i have no choice, says most artits; true artists have no choice but to creat. call it a drive, call it a lust, call it embodiment of a spirit, it exists, and i am taken by it.
art and exression feuls my every day, and haunts me in my sleep. it softens lifes' blows, eases physical ails, and provides me with those silent multiples of voices and observences that never get audibly shared.
i am a filmmaker, poet, photographer, painter, writer, and more.
i want to do more, see more, experience more. i want to feed on the worlds foods, engorge my whims with ideologies and stories, ride languages like a stream of consiousness, and be able to also inhabit the subtle, the quiet moments, and the tame
it's a tough gig, this life, but every day it seems that i have no choice nut to exist honestly within it, so that's what i am going to do.
---
Monday, February 09, 2004
" america's test kitchen "
---
so every day goes like this:
- dream a crazy dream
- wake up around noon to 1 p.m.
- eat tins of soup or something equally bad for you
- surf the net for nothing
- think about my validity as an artist
- watch a dvd
- wait until night falls
- go to work at 6 p.m.
- go home at 10 p.m.
- surf the net/eat/watch crap t.v. till 2/3 a.m.
- go to sleep
- have weird dreams
- repeat with a slight variation
blaugh!
---
so every day goes like this:
- dream a crazy dream
- wake up around noon to 1 p.m.
- eat tins of soup or something equally bad for you
- surf the net for nothing
- think about my validity as an artist
- watch a dvd
- wait until night falls
- go to work at 6 p.m.
- go home at 10 p.m.
- surf the net/eat/watch crap t.v. till 2/3 a.m.
- go to sleep
- have weird dreams
- repeat with a slight variation
blaugh!
---
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
" whooogie boogity "
---
i purchased a new planner today, and suddenly everythig seems to be falling into place; i'm clearing the clutter that is my room, the clouds are dispersing, and it really feels like the "true" start of this new year.
i almost don't remember that i don't want to be 24 years old at all.
hopefully, this newly-turned leaf can give new vigor to the plant that is my life.
oh yeah, two more things:
1) go to your local comic bookery and pick up Adrian Tomine's Ootic Nerve #9...now.
and
2) i didn't watch or see it, but did janet jacksons breast really flash on teevee in a sundial formation? that is messed the f-up. and funny.
---
i purchased a new planner today, and suddenly everythig seems to be falling into place; i'm clearing the clutter that is my room, the clouds are dispersing, and it really feels like the "true" start of this new year.
i almost don't remember that i don't want to be 24 years old at all.
hopefully, this newly-turned leaf can give new vigor to the plant that is my life.
oh yeah, two more things:
1) go to your local comic bookery and pick up Adrian Tomine's Ootic Nerve #9...now.
and
2) i didn't watch or see it, but did janet jacksons breast really flash on teevee in a sundial formation? that is messed the f-up. and funny.
---
Monday, February 02, 2004
" do, do do, do do... "
---
oh what oh what
am i going to do?
now that the pages of
my day planner are through.
there's no more december,
october or may
how will i ever
plan out my days?
---
oh what oh what
am i going to do?
now that the pages of
my day planner are through.
there's no more december,
october or may
how will i ever
plan out my days?
---
Saturday, January 31, 2004
" ups and downs "
---
what is this?
each other day i have a really optimistic seemingly great day, and the next day is a cold low-down booyah experience. i feel like i'm riding this tidal schedule that continues to wash over me and i have no control over them.
other than that, i'm good.
nothing like creating.
---
what is this?
each other day i have a really optimistic seemingly great day, and the next day is a cold low-down booyah experience. i feel like i'm riding this tidal schedule that continues to wash over me and i have no control over them.
other than that, i'm good.
nothing like creating.
---
Saturday, January 24, 2004
the death of helmut newton
---
at 83 yeards old, helmut newton died today after losing control of his car as it left the hotel chateau marmont in LA. as an aspiring photographer who often looked to his photographs as a guide and source of technique, this loss is a ripple that will sound throughout the photographic world and beyond.
a moment please.
---
at 83 yeards old, helmut newton died today after losing control of his car as it left the hotel chateau marmont in LA. as an aspiring photographer who often looked to his photographs as a guide and source of technique, this loss is a ripple that will sound throughout the photographic world and beyond.
a moment please.
---
Sunday, January 18, 2004
"the missed understanding"
---
loki331 (1:50:52 PM): we were in your cream?
weederman23 (1:50:56 PM): d
loki331 (1:51:00 PM): tjat
weederman23 (1:51:01 PM): dream
loki331 (1:51:04 PM): that's gross, dude
weederman23 (1:51:24 PM): well you had your clothes on
weederman23 (1:51:32 PM): pervert
loki331 (1:51:47 PM): that's good
loki331 (1:51:55 PM): i like your poem
loki331 (1:52:06 PM): wanna see today's shots?
weederman23 (1:52:26 PM): yes sir
---
loki331 (1:50:52 PM): we were in your cream?
weederman23 (1:50:56 PM): d
loki331 (1:51:00 PM): tjat
weederman23 (1:51:01 PM): dream
loki331 (1:51:04 PM): that's gross, dude
weederman23 (1:51:24 PM): well you had your clothes on
weederman23 (1:51:32 PM): pervert
loki331 (1:51:47 PM): that's good
loki331 (1:51:55 PM): i like your poem
loki331 (1:52:06 PM): wanna see today's shots?
weederman23 (1:52:26 PM): yes sir
---
: seasons of change :
---
sugar maple branches
swaying in the winters' waning sunlight;
sweet boughs
drooping and bare.
a skeleton of nature.
each slender joint harbouring
a bone-white shaft
of which remains alone,
and romantic;
dreaming of warmer days
while sleeping in the
heaving snow banks.
---
sugar maple branches
swaying in the winters' waning sunlight;
sweet boughs
drooping and bare.
a skeleton of nature.
each slender joint harbouring
a bone-white shaft
of which remains alone,
and romantic;
dreaming of warmer days
while sleeping in the
heaving snow banks.
---
Friday, January 09, 2004
" i met a real-life ballerina tonight, no really "
---
: an autumn in winter :
- and there she stood, before me with such a state
of grace and normalcy; a beauty in person as the
same as upon the stage.
- like discovering a red
and vibrant tulip among a sea of daffodils, she
was there thusly exposed.
- it was only a moment, but what a moment. there
was a moment of hesitation on my part, a calm before
this storm-of-sorts.
- and my ears burned, and i was not quite myself.
---
: an autumn in winter :
- and there she stood, before me with such a state
of grace and normalcy; a beauty in person as the
same as upon the stage.
- like discovering a red
and vibrant tulip among a sea of daffodils, she
was there thusly exposed.
- it was only a moment, but what a moment. there
was a moment of hesitation on my part, a calm before
this storm-of-sorts.
- and my ears burned, and i was not quite myself.
---
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
" well, it's happened...again "
---
there i go all turning a year older and such. i'm now a rambunctious 24 years old. how should i be feeling now? perhaps elated? maybe even a bit titilated. not even close, but i see your point.
i woke up this morning just around the actual time that i was born, so i guess you could also say that i was reborne into the world as my eyes open upon the anniversary of the same action. i guess too that was a special beginning. but instead of a beautifully adorable pink bundle of baby, there awoke a stout stubble-bearded groggy bewildering sack of flesh wearing pajamas and a beanie.
quite a different act of birthing indeed.
what to do what to do today...well i started by cleaning myself up, washing some clothes, cutting my hair by way of two mirrors, and tried to start fresh as it were. it seems to have given me a small semblance of inconsequential celebratory acts. which are fun in of themselves. cause you never know what life's gonna hold for you, is the exact reason why i'm choosing to be positive today.
let's see what happens when i exit the threshold of 23, and venture into the world of 24.
hip hip hooray...
---
there i go all turning a year older and such. i'm now a rambunctious 24 years old. how should i be feeling now? perhaps elated? maybe even a bit titilated. not even close, but i see your point.
i woke up this morning just around the actual time that i was born, so i guess you could also say that i was reborne into the world as my eyes open upon the anniversary of the same action. i guess too that was a special beginning. but instead of a beautifully adorable pink bundle of baby, there awoke a stout stubble-bearded groggy bewildering sack of flesh wearing pajamas and a beanie.
quite a different act of birthing indeed.
what to do what to do today...well i started by cleaning myself up, washing some clothes, cutting my hair by way of two mirrors, and tried to start fresh as it were. it seems to have given me a small semblance of inconsequential celebratory acts. which are fun in of themselves. cause you never know what life's gonna hold for you, is the exact reason why i'm choosing to be positive today.
let's see what happens when i exit the threshold of 23, and venture into the world of 24.
hip hip hooray...
---
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
" analyze at least one thing each day, i say "
---
when did i learn how to be self-consious? was it a natural occurance of my own accord? did it just "poof," there-it-is all of a sudden? i walk around everyday trying to be the most honest representation of "me" that i can be. and i figure, i only have XX amount of years on this planet, why am i so worried about what this guy wearing this hat is going to think of me? who cares if i trip on a crack and stumble in front of a miscellaneous girl?
don't i have bigger things to accomplish? rather that fret about how i look to others, i should be fearless and provocative; striving forth with an unabashed dilegence(sp.). and where did i "flip" then? at what age? at what moment did i first become aware that i could feel shame, fear, ill-comfort, or the pain of being laughed at?
life is such a strange little trip; i wish i knew what to expect...but then again how much fun would that me? most likey none, and sure it'd be easier if everyone would just come out and say they didn't like you to your face, sorry but you're not what i'm attracted to sexually, no that's not what does it for me thanks...or whatever. this would then, become too easy of an experience.
i still cannot figure out why i am not attracting anyone that has the gall to say something to me. do i say to them that i am interested in them, and risk leaving myself unexposed and vulnerable? do i keep quiet and rant and bitch about it only in the dark when it's safe? are we all going to keep our masks on and be civil and uninteractive; never saying how we feel and never passing that thin membrane between the friend zone and a chance at a relationship? and how thin that difference is; like alice and the looking glass thin.
i'm still mad about the fact that i can get embarasses though. it's something in the slow creeping heat that envelops ones body and the white hot coals in each of your pores physically pointing out the fact that you have drawn some univited attention to yourself. i hate feeling awkward, yet i find myself inhabiting that feeling a lot.
this year that is going to change.
i wish i could know just how that would happen, or just in what moment. and again, i think this might be too much to ask. onward then...to the path ahead
---
when did i learn how to be self-consious? was it a natural occurance of my own accord? did it just "poof," there-it-is all of a sudden? i walk around everyday trying to be the most honest representation of "me" that i can be. and i figure, i only have XX amount of years on this planet, why am i so worried about what this guy wearing this hat is going to think of me? who cares if i trip on a crack and stumble in front of a miscellaneous girl?
don't i have bigger things to accomplish? rather that fret about how i look to others, i should be fearless and provocative; striving forth with an unabashed dilegence(sp.). and where did i "flip" then? at what age? at what moment did i first become aware that i could feel shame, fear, ill-comfort, or the pain of being laughed at?
life is such a strange little trip; i wish i knew what to expect...but then again how much fun would that me? most likey none, and sure it'd be easier if everyone would just come out and say they didn't like you to your face, sorry but you're not what i'm attracted to sexually, no that's not what does it for me thanks...or whatever. this would then, become too easy of an experience.
i still cannot figure out why i am not attracting anyone that has the gall to say something to me. do i say to them that i am interested in them, and risk leaving myself unexposed and vulnerable? do i keep quiet and rant and bitch about it only in the dark when it's safe? are we all going to keep our masks on and be civil and uninteractive; never saying how we feel and never passing that thin membrane between the friend zone and a chance at a relationship? and how thin that difference is; like alice and the looking glass thin.
i'm still mad about the fact that i can get embarasses though. it's something in the slow creeping heat that envelops ones body and the white hot coals in each of your pores physically pointing out the fact that you have drawn some univited attention to yourself. i hate feeling awkward, yet i find myself inhabiting that feeling a lot.
this year that is going to change.
i wish i could know just how that would happen, or just in what moment. and again, i think this might be too much to ask. onward then...to the path ahead
---
Saturday, January 03, 2004
"blaugher"
---
every moment of this day
so far
has been a scheduling disappointment
of which
i attribute to the cold.
---
every moment of this day
so far
has been a scheduling disappointment
of which
i attribute to the cold.
---
" and it begins "
---
so.
how has the past few been for you? i don't know that i felt any different; both about the "newness" of the year, or the optimism looming overhead and near. rather, i think that rain washes away all things in the bay area into my shoes, people are very busy and harder to find around this time, and body fat seems to be at a higher count.
thusly, is it enough that some time has passed and we are a bit older and fatter?
i just want this year to be a forwarding one...
on that note, i'll attach here a conversation, which i think helps to demystify the onward road...or not:
weederman23: well, how are you doing?
weederman23: like personally
weederman23: okay?
weederman23: happy?
TaurusKAT: but...i think that when i am the most sad... the most down...it is when i am the most concsious of my self....i focus too much on what i don't have, on who i'm not instead of just being and doing the things that i love to do the things that inspire me, etc
TaurusKAT: not at all cohesive but whatevr.
TaurusKAT: i'm okay.... the holidays are bittersweet
weederman23: yes
weederman23: and how
TaurusKAT: is that a question or a statement?
TaurusKAT: ; )
weederman23: statement
TaurusKAT: i think the best quality a person can have is the capacity for change
TaurusKAT: that's what i strive for this year
weederman23: it's true
TaurusKAT: not that i wanna change.
weederman23: i want to focus more too, on my pluses or positives
weederman23: well, i thing not "change"
TaurusKAT: i just want to avoid being set in my ways
weederman23: but evolve ones "self"
weederman23: yes
TaurusKAT: yep
weederman23: i miss talking to you in person
TaurusKAT: how are you going to focus on your pluses/positives?
weederman23: not that we haven't seen eachother in this past week or nothing, but i always remember talking to you being very calming and forwarding
weederman23: focus....let's see
TaurusKAT: gee thanks
weederman23: just trying to take command of the things that i love to do and trying to push myself further, to take those risks that are there, whether artistic or cinematic or social or anything that might've been a hinderence previous to this time
weederman23: something like that
TaurusKAT: sounds like a great leap
TaurusKAT: it's scary
weederman23: yeah
TaurusKAT: and sometimes a painful process
weederman23: the future can be really scary if not for that semblance of destiny manifest
weederman23: i agree
TaurusKAT: but in the end you'll be happier for it
weederman23: painful
weederman23: painful is how i could describe my personal life of last years
TaurusKAT: yeah...
weederman23: it's horrifying to realize that
weederman23: i'm scared right now
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: we are too often in search of instant gratification....a passing moment that in the long run leaves no profound impact on our lives
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: a very human constant
TaurusKAT: the key to making it --(to happiness perhaps?) is enjoying the journey to that somewhere wherever it may be
weederman23: yex
weederman23: yes
weederman23: i think that's where i'm going to try and meander alongside of this time around
weederman23: to not stray into profound disappointments
TaurusKAT: maybe not enjoying per se but embracing the ups as well as the downs
TaurusKAT: totally
weederman23: and try and work on things and situations that can bring about a "something"
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: riding out the bumps
weederman23: we should write a book
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: yeah! a self help book....we'd make millions
weederman23: so millions
---
so.
how has the past few been for you? i don't know that i felt any different; both about the "newness" of the year, or the optimism looming overhead and near. rather, i think that rain washes away all things in the bay area into my shoes, people are very busy and harder to find around this time, and body fat seems to be at a higher count.
thusly, is it enough that some time has passed and we are a bit older and fatter?
i just want this year to be a forwarding one...
on that note, i'll attach here a conversation, which i think helps to demystify the onward road...or not:
weederman23: well, how are you doing?
weederman23: like personally
weederman23: okay?
weederman23: happy?
TaurusKAT: but...i think that when i am the most sad... the most down...it is when i am the most concsious of my self....i focus too much on what i don't have, on who i'm not instead of just being and doing the things that i love to do the things that inspire me, etc
TaurusKAT: not at all cohesive but whatevr.
TaurusKAT: i'm okay.... the holidays are bittersweet
weederman23: yes
weederman23: and how
TaurusKAT: is that a question or a statement?
TaurusKAT: ; )
weederman23: statement
TaurusKAT: i think the best quality a person can have is the capacity for change
TaurusKAT: that's what i strive for this year
weederman23: it's true
TaurusKAT: not that i wanna change.
weederman23: i want to focus more too, on my pluses or positives
weederman23: well, i thing not "change"
TaurusKAT: i just want to avoid being set in my ways
weederman23: but evolve ones "self"
weederman23: yes
TaurusKAT: yep
weederman23: i miss talking to you in person
TaurusKAT: how are you going to focus on your pluses/positives?
weederman23: not that we haven't seen eachother in this past week or nothing, but i always remember talking to you being very calming and forwarding
weederman23: focus....let's see
TaurusKAT: gee thanks
weederman23: just trying to take command of the things that i love to do and trying to push myself further, to take those risks that are there, whether artistic or cinematic or social or anything that might've been a hinderence previous to this time
weederman23: something like that
TaurusKAT: sounds like a great leap
TaurusKAT: it's scary
weederman23: yeah
TaurusKAT: and sometimes a painful process
weederman23: the future can be really scary if not for that semblance of destiny manifest
weederman23: i agree
TaurusKAT: but in the end you'll be happier for it
weederman23: painful
weederman23: painful is how i could describe my personal life of last years
TaurusKAT: yeah...
weederman23: it's horrifying to realize that
weederman23: i'm scared right now
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: we are too often in search of instant gratification....a passing moment that in the long run leaves no profound impact on our lives
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: a very human constant
TaurusKAT: the key to making it --(to happiness perhaps?) is enjoying the journey to that somewhere wherever it may be
weederman23: yex
weederman23: yes
weederman23: i think that's where i'm going to try and meander alongside of this time around
weederman23: to not stray into profound disappointments
TaurusKAT: maybe not enjoying per se but embracing the ups as well as the downs
TaurusKAT: totally
weederman23: and try and work on things and situations that can bring about a "something"
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: riding out the bumps
weederman23: we should write a book
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: yeah! a self help book....we'd make millions
weederman23: so millions
---
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
happy new what exactly?
---
new years
a new year...the next year, possible fresh starts, and only inconstrast to the once fresh, do our faces and hopes light up so joyfully. but what the hell are we celebrating? is it the one time a year where we can claim a sense of social and personal amnesia, while making lists for change, that most will never follow. humans are creatures of convention and are almost always predictable. i mean, we sometimes surprise ourselves and each other with brash movements, bold statements, behavior, costumes, ecetera. but in all truth, what stops us from making a present change every day? every moment?
i thought that at least this year i might find some semblence of a relationship, but no. i thought that i'd find a job that i don't hate, but nope. i thought that perhaps i might be one of those persons that becomes the sought after party in a romantic summer entanglement, but no sir. and that's fine. do we create our own destiny, or is it charted out that for the number of people who are happy and showing it, there are also an equal number of depressed people and hiding it? but who can complain about reality existing how it does become true?
this new years' i plan to just try and exist in a manner more condusive to a personal happiness and the happiness of others. but is it this upcoming changeover where these once spoiled thoughts of old will now become more powerful and full of an unseen strength? one would hope so right?
up until two hours shy of the west coast midnght reverie, i will be at my work, perhaps slinging coffee to those few people who find it necessary to caffinate themselves, rather than be surrounded by friends and loved ones. i'll be somewhere inbetween. so where ever you are in the world, have a happy new years. welcome to tomorrow. what will you do this year?
---
new years
a new year...the next year, possible fresh starts, and only inconstrast to the once fresh, do our faces and hopes light up so joyfully. but what the hell are we celebrating? is it the one time a year where we can claim a sense of social and personal amnesia, while making lists for change, that most will never follow. humans are creatures of convention and are almost always predictable. i mean, we sometimes surprise ourselves and each other with brash movements, bold statements, behavior, costumes, ecetera. but in all truth, what stops us from making a present change every day? every moment?
i thought that at least this year i might find some semblence of a relationship, but no. i thought that i'd find a job that i don't hate, but nope. i thought that perhaps i might be one of those persons that becomes the sought after party in a romantic summer entanglement, but no sir. and that's fine. do we create our own destiny, or is it charted out that for the number of people who are happy and showing it, there are also an equal number of depressed people and hiding it? but who can complain about reality existing how it does become true?
this new years' i plan to just try and exist in a manner more condusive to a personal happiness and the happiness of others. but is it this upcoming changeover where these once spoiled thoughts of old will now become more powerful and full of an unseen strength? one would hope so right?
up until two hours shy of the west coast midnght reverie, i will be at my work, perhaps slinging coffee to those few people who find it necessary to caffinate themselves, rather than be surrounded by friends and loved ones. i'll be somewhere inbetween. so where ever you are in the world, have a happy new years. welcome to tomorrow. what will you do this year?
---
Saturday, December 27, 2003
"sooooo cold"
---
- sitting herein my sub terranean room, it seems as if i should have some heating apparatus of some sort, but no. so cold. it's like being encased in a freezer. there was frost on the rims of my windows this morning, and this is the east bay area! what the hell is going on?
global warming? sure.
freak winter coldness and rainstorms? sure.
or, is it an intergalactic elemental attack by the xan-poriah ixtar system of planets, coming to over throw the earth's population and accomplish it both subtley(sp.) and patiently.
oh yes, they're all waiting just beyond the borders of the asteroid belt, biding their time so that they will not arouse suspiscion or prematurely make themselves known to the three underground shadow governments who control the earths' affairs.
is this a reality? or do i really really need a heater?
tune in, next time, same cold time, same freezing your buttocks off channel.
---
- sitting herein my sub terranean room, it seems as if i should have some heating apparatus of some sort, but no. so cold. it's like being encased in a freezer. there was frost on the rims of my windows this morning, and this is the east bay area! what the hell is going on?
global warming? sure.
freak winter coldness and rainstorms? sure.
or, is it an intergalactic elemental attack by the xan-poriah ixtar system of planets, coming to over throw the earth's population and accomplish it both subtley(sp.) and patiently.
oh yes, they're all waiting just beyond the borders of the asteroid belt, biding their time so that they will not arouse suspiscion or prematurely make themselves known to the three underground shadow governments who control the earths' affairs.
is this a reality? or do i really really need a heater?
tune in, next time, same cold time, same freezing your buttocks off channel.
---
---
"well that, my friend, was interesting"
- last night i went to the Mallard, a local brasserie of sorts, and i saw there almost all of albany's past classes, ranging from it's most recently 21-year olds, to the class of 1996, and perhaps earlier than that also. needless to say there were many a person there that were of a surprise to mine eyes, thusly i had a fine time and an emotionally confusing one as well. how was i to feel? was i getting drunk enough to care? what does this all mean? maybe nothing, maybe everything. all in all, a sound xmas i suppose, although i mistook a lump of coal for a diamond.
the end.
---
"well that, my friend, was interesting"
- last night i went to the Mallard, a local brasserie of sorts, and i saw there almost all of albany's past classes, ranging from it's most recently 21-year olds, to the class of 1996, and perhaps earlier than that also. needless to say there were many a person there that were of a surprise to mine eyes, thusly i had a fine time and an emotionally confusing one as well. how was i to feel? was i getting drunk enough to care? what does this all mean? maybe nothing, maybe everything. all in all, a sound xmas i suppose, although i mistook a lump of coal for a diamond.
the end.
---
Monday, December 22, 2003
---
: christmas present :
walking around my living room at night, it seems that nothing is present. meaning nothing seems like it should. the lights are on the plastic tree, the room is bare and void of any christmas decorations, and yet hasn't it always been this way?
i remember when i was six or so, i tried to wait for santa clause to appear. i slept that night on the couch and just stared at the tree's softly glowing lights dim and reappear. there was a sort of lulling confort in that midnight hour that carries with it a memory.
even though the years my continue to add up, there's still that echo of that excitement in every christmas since. wherever you are or whatever your traditions, have a good one.
---
: christmas present :
walking around my living room at night, it seems that nothing is present. meaning nothing seems like it should. the lights are on the plastic tree, the room is bare and void of any christmas decorations, and yet hasn't it always been this way?
i remember when i was six or so, i tried to wait for santa clause to appear. i slept that night on the couch and just stared at the tree's softly glowing lights dim and reappear. there was a sort of lulling confort in that midnight hour that carries with it a memory.
even though the years my continue to add up, there's still that echo of that excitement in every christmas since. wherever you are or whatever your traditions, have a good one.
---
Saturday, December 20, 2003
---
"and you have to ask yourself if tomorrow will be any different."
the friend zone is getting really lonely. i mean, initiative aside, what the hell is going on here? do i have this big blinking neon sign on my heart that says "able to both be truthfully sincere, and completely unattractive(except when trying to describe a non-relationship sort of male friend)?"
if funny. i forget how i ever had girlfriends in the past. there seems to be this indescribable something that all of the women i am attracted to are seeking, and i have no clue at all what that is.
and in my 23rd year, it's seeming more and more apparent that nothing is changing any time soon, right? or is it? will it?
the year is drawing to another shifting, and i told myself that this year will have been my best year. even with all of the things i have done and the places i have visited, and all of the photographs i have taken, where is my chance at that elusive ism known as "some?"
maybe next year i will find that someone who thinks that i am worthy enough to take a chance on...
jeez what a sad sack of b.s. i am
i'm stopping before i get even more depressed with myself
good night all
---
"and you have to ask yourself if tomorrow will be any different."
the friend zone is getting really lonely. i mean, initiative aside, what the hell is going on here? do i have this big blinking neon sign on my heart that says "able to both be truthfully sincere, and completely unattractive(except when trying to describe a non-relationship sort of male friend)?"
if funny. i forget how i ever had girlfriends in the past. there seems to be this indescribable something that all of the women i am attracted to are seeking, and i have no clue at all what that is.
and in my 23rd year, it's seeming more and more apparent that nothing is changing any time soon, right? or is it? will it?
the year is drawing to another shifting, and i told myself that this year will have been my best year. even with all of the things i have done and the places i have visited, and all of the photographs i have taken, where is my chance at that elusive ism known as "some?"
maybe next year i will find that someone who thinks that i am worthy enough to take a chance on...
jeez what a sad sack of b.s. i am
i'm stopping before i get even more depressed with myself
good night all
---
Thursday, December 18, 2003
---
everyone's coming home for the holidays, just to turn around and leave again. what does this mean? should i get my hopes up? what do the holidays really mean then? an excuse to make short appearences in poeples' lives and then dink out to wherever else....
i suppose i only notice this phenomenae because i'm not going anywhere for the holidays and after they pass, i'll still be here.
i'm secretly planning to escape this pattern and exist somewhere else for the next 50 years. see if you can guess where, and you get a golden star.
(boof*)
----
everyone's coming home for the holidays, just to turn around and leave again. what does this mean? should i get my hopes up? what do the holidays really mean then? an excuse to make short appearences in poeples' lives and then dink out to wherever else....
i suppose i only notice this phenomenae because i'm not going anywhere for the holidays and after they pass, i'll still be here.
i'm secretly planning to escape this pattern and exist somewhere else for the next 50 years. see if you can guess where, and you get a golden star.
(boof*)
----
Monday, December 15, 2003
Friday, December 12, 2003
---
being sick gives you wierd dreams.
- i met greg in the parking lot of a building that changes geographical location...at one time, it was in cali, another, it was in NYC. i had to get back home so we went past this area of the building that used to be an art gallery, but now it was a hockey rink, and now we were playing ice hockey and one of these little kids scored. i traded cars with his, but his was in the dirt mounds. lickily it worked and i was on my way out of town and into a bart tunnel bridge time vortex where i ended up at SF state with becca silvers and we were going to go to her experimental art class with this proffessor that i had never talked to but i thought she taught statistics. we went up to her lockers and she had these 4 pans of various substances ranging from powders to liquids. i accidentally spilt some of this brown liquid into a pan of milk and her teacher said bravo (in the congratulatory way), because today we wee going to start to experiment with "monograms," or was it "monochromes?" in any case she started to describe to me that a monochrome was a substance that had one unique coloring quality, like coca cola or dyes or some sort of dark amber syrup. i told the profesor that was cool, but i had to go.
then i awoke from the dream and i was still sick.
---
being sick gives you wierd dreams.
- i met greg in the parking lot of a building that changes geographical location...at one time, it was in cali, another, it was in NYC. i had to get back home so we went past this area of the building that used to be an art gallery, but now it was a hockey rink, and now we were playing ice hockey and one of these little kids scored. i traded cars with his, but his was in the dirt mounds. lickily it worked and i was on my way out of town and into a bart tunnel bridge time vortex where i ended up at SF state with becca silvers and we were going to go to her experimental art class with this proffessor that i had never talked to but i thought she taught statistics. we went up to her lockers and she had these 4 pans of various substances ranging from powders to liquids. i accidentally spilt some of this brown liquid into a pan of milk and her teacher said bravo (in the congratulatory way), because today we wee going to start to experiment with "monograms," or was it "monochromes?" in any case she started to describe to me that a monochrome was a substance that had one unique coloring quality, like coca cola or dyes or some sort of dark amber syrup. i told the profesor that was cool, but i had to go.
then i awoke from the dream and i was still sick.
---
Thursday, December 11, 2003
---
it's in the way your body cold sweats, and fevers, and finds a new level of ache and pain.
when you awake twenty minutes before the sun and your nose is running away from you, while your throat is winning a dryness contest with the kalahari.
when your head feels like you're drunk and all of your body's energy is focused on your internal organs.
it begins your day very craptacularly, and then the sun comes over the horizon, only to be overwhelmed by the pouring rain...
and the sad song rolls on to the rythym of the beating drops.
---
it's in the way your body cold sweats, and fevers, and finds a new level of ache and pain.
when you awake twenty minutes before the sun and your nose is running away from you, while your throat is winning a dryness contest with the kalahari.
when your head feels like you're drunk and all of your body's energy is focused on your internal organs.
it begins your day very craptacularly, and then the sun comes over the horizon, only to be overwhelmed by the pouring rain...
and the sad song rolls on to the rythym of the beating drops.
---
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
---
it starts with a dry mouth,
parched lips,
crackle crackle wake up...
you notice your throats dry and sore,
the nasal passages raw and congested,
your body aches and you cannot quite pinpoint the way your body hurts.
it might be flu,
it might be a cold,
and all you can think is dammit,
why do i have to get out of bed at all today?
where's the meds?
---
it starts with a dry mouth,
parched lips,
crackle crackle wake up...
you notice your throats dry and sore,
the nasal passages raw and congested,
your body aches and you cannot quite pinpoint the way your body hurts.
it might be flu,
it might be a cold,
and all you can think is dammit,
why do i have to get out of bed at all today?
where's the meds?
---
Friday, December 05, 2003
---
i just came home from ushering a production of "babes in toyland," at the Richmond Civic Centre. the company was six people strong, putting on an hour-long show, and coming from philly. richmond, ca tries to put on at least 3-5 free shows of a varying artistic nature, so that the people of the community have the opportunity to have a wide range of the arts on display or experienced, that they might not usually have the chance to view. there's something very important going on, and here's an example of how slowly, change is inevitable.
---
i just came home from ushering a production of "babes in toyland," at the Richmond Civic Centre. the company was six people strong, putting on an hour-long show, and coming from philly. richmond, ca tries to put on at least 3-5 free shows of a varying artistic nature, so that the people of the community have the opportunity to have a wide range of the arts on display or experienced, that they might not usually have the chance to view. there's something very important going on, and here's an example of how slowly, change is inevitable.
---
Thursday, December 04, 2003
---
weederman23 (10:30:37 AM): hi hi
Daffie26 (10:30:47 AM): hello hello hello
weederman23 (10:31:09 AM): howreyou?
Daffie26 (10:31:46 AM): good.
Daffie26 (10:31:49 AM): working and working
Daffie26 (10:31:56 AM): both in the homework way and in the office kind of way
Daffie26 (10:31:59 AM): how areyou?
weederman23 (10:32:27 AM): tired
Daffie26 (10:32:33 AM): why sir
weederman23 (10:32:47 AM): lrgistics
weederman23 (10:32:53 AM): legistics
Daffie26 (10:33:26 AM): logistics
Daffie26 (10:33:34 AM): ?
weederman23 (10:33:47 AM): log cabin maple syrup
weederman23 (10:34:18 AM): i don't know
Daffie26 (10:34:22 AM): what are these words you are telling me?
weederman23 (10:34:27 AM): it's the morning
weederman23 (10:34:28 AM): lol
weederman23 (10:34:32 AM): i apologize
Daffie26 (10:34:35 AM): :-)
weederman23 (10:34:43 AM): with silver dollar pannnekkokur
Daffie26 (10:34:49 AM): actually it's 1:34 in the PM. I have been up since 8am.
weederman23 (10:34:50 AM): that's pankakes in icelandic
weederman23 (10:34:54 AM): oh man
Daffie26 (10:34:54 AM): wow
Daffie26 (10:35:14 AM): so are you eating pancakes?
weederman23 (10:35:19 AM): golly i wish
Daffie26 (10:35:42 AM): so why are you telling me about pancakes?
Daffie26 (10:35:44 AM): do you want some?
weederman23 (10:35:49 AM): yes please
weederman23 (10:36:01 AM): but i think that you being in the nyc is a hard sell
Daffie26 (10:36:04 AM): i'm sure you can find some on eBay
Daffie26 (10:36:14 AM): a hard sell?
weederman23 (10:36:17 AM): or ebreakfast
Daffie26 (10:36:23 AM): YEAH!
Daffie26 (10:36:31 AM): what are you doing today?
weederman23 (10:36:34 AM): like how could you possibly promise me some pankakes over the net
weederman23 (10:36:38 AM): it's just plain wrong
weederman23 (10:36:52 AM): i am going to meet a woman in the haight district and purchase some paper
weederman23 (10:36:54 AM): photo paper
weederman23 (10:37:04 AM): i answered an ad on craigslist
Daffie26 (10:37:20 AM): a 'woman' huh?
Daffie26 (10:37:23 AM): or a WOMAN?
Daffie26 (10:37:33 AM): what does she really want from you?'
Daffie26 (10:37:39 AM): or what do you really want from her?
weederman23 (10:38:05 AM): yes, i hope so, my money, photo paper
Daffie26 (10:38:17 AM): interesting
weederman23 (10:38:17 AM): in that order per your questioning
weederman23 (10:38:19 AM): lol
Daffie26 (10:38:23 AM): very interesting
Daffie26 (10:38:35 AM): what was the last thing you ate?
weederman23 (10:39:58 AM): japanese rice, some thai style beef jerky, homemade miso soup, two bananas, a glass of n/f milk, some rice krispy treats, two twix bars, and two newcastle beers
weederman23 (10:40:04 AM): nothing this morning
weederman23 (10:40:05 AM): yet
Daffie26 (10:40:19 AM): sounds spectacular
Daffie26 (10:40:23 AM): what will you be eating today?
weederman23 (10:40:29 AM): it was in small portions
weederman23 (10:40:31 AM): hmmm
weederman23 (10:41:23 AM): i'm hoping to recreate the rice/beef dish for breakfast, but if not, i plan to put together a toasted butter croissant/cream cheese/smoked salmon combo-type breakfast sandwich
weederman23 (10:41:36 AM): that or nothing, which is becoming the norm for me
Daffie26 (10:41:37 AM): WOW
weederman23 (10:41:45 AM): wow?
Daffie26 (10:41:46 AM): i hardly ever eat breakfast
weederman23 (10:41:52 AM): me neither
Daffie26 (10:42:01 AM): it just sounds complex
weederman23 (10:42:06 AM): it's a rare dish, if you will
Daffie26 (10:42:21 AM): no, you are a rare dress! i mean dish.
weederman23 (10:42:26 AM): complex in the preparation of it, but the meal is small and inconsequential
weederman23 (10:42:31 AM): i'm a rare dress?
Daffie26 (10:42:58 AM): yes. you are burgundy.
weederman23 (10:43:02 AM): hmmm
weederman23 (10:43:06 AM): i can see that
Daffie26 (10:43:10 AM): certainly not your ordinary black dress.
weederman23 (10:43:27 AM): understood
Daffie26 (10:44:08 AM): anything exciting coming up for you?
weederman23 (10:44:25 AM): like in what way?
Daffie26 (10:44:36 AM): like
Daffie26 (10:44:44 AM): what are you looking forward to right NOW?
weederman23 (10:46:37 AM): well, getting this paper, then trying to print something fantabulous on it, seeking a different job opportunity(whether in photo or film, preferably film production of some sort though not in LA just yet), focusing on my creative abilities and coming up with a "package" or "press kit" i fyou will, of my strengths as an artist and a maker, finding work based on that, and then sucess in whatever form that deems fit
weederman23 (10:46:53 AM): that's pretty much what my mind is on right now
Daffie26 (10:47:21 AM): neat
Daffie26 (10:49:34 AM): go for the gold baybay!
Daffie26 (10:49:42 AM): get it? baby=baybay
Daffie26 (10:49:44 AM): HAHA
Daffie26 (10:49:47 AM): erm.
weederman23 (10:49:50 AM): i understand
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:49:58 AM).
weederman23 cancels request; no connection was made (10:50:03 AM).
weederman23 (10:50:21 AM): i just remembered that we had some difficulty sending eachother pics
weederman23 (10:50:24 AM): or did we?
Daffie26 (10:50:30 AM): are you doing anything exciting this winter?
Daffie26 (10:50:41 AM): i'm at work, so I'd have to demand you filter what you send me
weederman23 (10:50:51 AM): nothing exciting
weederman23 (10:51:01 AM): trying to round up people to take photos of
weederman23 (10:51:08 AM): everyone seems to be busy though
weederman23 (10:51:15 AM): it's a tough gig
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:51:16 AM).
Daffie26 ignores request; no connection was made (10:51:17 AM).
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:51:20 AM).
Daffie26 is now directly connected (10:51:26 AM).
---
weederman23 (10:30:37 AM): hi hi
Daffie26 (10:30:47 AM): hello hello hello
weederman23 (10:31:09 AM): howreyou?
Daffie26 (10:31:46 AM): good.
Daffie26 (10:31:49 AM): working and working
Daffie26 (10:31:56 AM): both in the homework way and in the office kind of way
Daffie26 (10:31:59 AM): how areyou?
weederman23 (10:32:27 AM): tired
Daffie26 (10:32:33 AM): why sir
weederman23 (10:32:47 AM): lrgistics
weederman23 (10:32:53 AM): legistics
Daffie26 (10:33:26 AM): logistics
Daffie26 (10:33:34 AM): ?
weederman23 (10:33:47 AM): log cabin maple syrup
weederman23 (10:34:18 AM): i don't know
Daffie26 (10:34:22 AM): what are these words you are telling me?
weederman23 (10:34:27 AM): it's the morning
weederman23 (10:34:28 AM): lol
weederman23 (10:34:32 AM): i apologize
Daffie26 (10:34:35 AM): :-)
weederman23 (10:34:43 AM): with silver dollar pannnekkokur
Daffie26 (10:34:49 AM): actually it's 1:34 in the PM. I have been up since 8am.
weederman23 (10:34:50 AM): that's pankakes in icelandic
weederman23 (10:34:54 AM): oh man
Daffie26 (10:34:54 AM): wow
Daffie26 (10:35:14 AM): so are you eating pancakes?
weederman23 (10:35:19 AM): golly i wish
Daffie26 (10:35:42 AM): so why are you telling me about pancakes?
Daffie26 (10:35:44 AM): do you want some?
weederman23 (10:35:49 AM): yes please
weederman23 (10:36:01 AM): but i think that you being in the nyc is a hard sell
Daffie26 (10:36:04 AM): i'm sure you can find some on eBay
Daffie26 (10:36:14 AM): a hard sell?
weederman23 (10:36:17 AM): or ebreakfast
Daffie26 (10:36:23 AM): YEAH!
Daffie26 (10:36:31 AM): what are you doing today?
weederman23 (10:36:34 AM): like how could you possibly promise me some pankakes over the net
weederman23 (10:36:38 AM): it's just plain wrong
weederman23 (10:36:52 AM): i am going to meet a woman in the haight district and purchase some paper
weederman23 (10:36:54 AM): photo paper
weederman23 (10:37:04 AM): i answered an ad on craigslist
Daffie26 (10:37:20 AM): a 'woman' huh?
Daffie26 (10:37:23 AM): or a WOMAN?
Daffie26 (10:37:33 AM): what does she really want from you?'
Daffie26 (10:37:39 AM): or what do you really want from her?
weederman23 (10:38:05 AM): yes, i hope so, my money, photo paper
Daffie26 (10:38:17 AM): interesting
weederman23 (10:38:17 AM): in that order per your questioning
weederman23 (10:38:19 AM): lol
Daffie26 (10:38:23 AM): very interesting
Daffie26 (10:38:35 AM): what was the last thing you ate?
weederman23 (10:39:58 AM): japanese rice, some thai style beef jerky, homemade miso soup, two bananas, a glass of n/f milk, some rice krispy treats, two twix bars, and two newcastle beers
weederman23 (10:40:04 AM): nothing this morning
weederman23 (10:40:05 AM): yet
Daffie26 (10:40:19 AM): sounds spectacular
Daffie26 (10:40:23 AM): what will you be eating today?
weederman23 (10:40:29 AM): it was in small portions
weederman23 (10:40:31 AM): hmmm
weederman23 (10:41:23 AM): i'm hoping to recreate the rice/beef dish for breakfast, but if not, i plan to put together a toasted butter croissant/cream cheese/smoked salmon combo-type breakfast sandwich
weederman23 (10:41:36 AM): that or nothing, which is becoming the norm for me
Daffie26 (10:41:37 AM): WOW
weederman23 (10:41:45 AM): wow?
Daffie26 (10:41:46 AM): i hardly ever eat breakfast
weederman23 (10:41:52 AM): me neither
Daffie26 (10:42:01 AM): it just sounds complex
weederman23 (10:42:06 AM): it's a rare dish, if you will
Daffie26 (10:42:21 AM): no, you are a rare dress! i mean dish.
weederman23 (10:42:26 AM): complex in the preparation of it, but the meal is small and inconsequential
weederman23 (10:42:31 AM): i'm a rare dress?
Daffie26 (10:42:58 AM): yes. you are burgundy.
weederman23 (10:43:02 AM): hmmm
weederman23 (10:43:06 AM): i can see that
Daffie26 (10:43:10 AM): certainly not your ordinary black dress.
weederman23 (10:43:27 AM): understood
Daffie26 (10:44:08 AM): anything exciting coming up for you?
weederman23 (10:44:25 AM): like in what way?
Daffie26 (10:44:36 AM): like
Daffie26 (10:44:44 AM): what are you looking forward to right NOW?
weederman23 (10:46:37 AM): well, getting this paper, then trying to print something fantabulous on it, seeking a different job opportunity(whether in photo or film, preferably film production of some sort though not in LA just yet), focusing on my creative abilities and coming up with a "package" or "press kit" i fyou will, of my strengths as an artist and a maker, finding work based on that, and then sucess in whatever form that deems fit
weederman23 (10:46:53 AM): that's pretty much what my mind is on right now
Daffie26 (10:47:21 AM): neat
Daffie26 (10:49:34 AM): go for the gold baybay!
Daffie26 (10:49:42 AM): get it? baby=baybay
Daffie26 (10:49:44 AM): HAHA
Daffie26 (10:49:47 AM): erm.
weederman23 (10:49:50 AM): i understand
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:49:58 AM).
weederman23 cancels request; no connection was made (10:50:03 AM).
weederman23 (10:50:21 AM): i just remembered that we had some difficulty sending eachother pics
weederman23 (10:50:24 AM): or did we?
Daffie26 (10:50:30 AM): are you doing anything exciting this winter?
Daffie26 (10:50:41 AM): i'm at work, so I'd have to demand you filter what you send me
weederman23 (10:50:51 AM): nothing exciting
weederman23 (10:51:01 AM): trying to round up people to take photos of
weederman23 (10:51:08 AM): everyone seems to be busy though
weederman23 (10:51:15 AM): it's a tough gig
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:51:16 AM).
Daffie26 ignores request; no connection was made (10:51:17 AM).
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:51:20 AM).
Daffie26 is now directly connected (10:51:26 AM).
---
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
---
"the converse"
and you begin to realize that nearing to the end of the night, you've had a shit day.
you wake up too early, moments before ther alarm buzzes. you go to work late because of rain and traffic and lazy musculature. there are crazy people who demand unruly things from you and walk into the kitchen asking if you're going to come out soon. what the hell are you doing here??? there are moments when you realize that the sun is setting in the sky, and you've seen it rising. there's something about seeing both the sun rise and set that just doesn't do it for me.
whatever happened to you today, i hope that you ate something and did at least one thing that was bebeficial to maintaining your sanity.
blatz*
---
"the converse"
and you begin to realize that nearing to the end of the night, you've had a shit day.
you wake up too early, moments before ther alarm buzzes. you go to work late because of rain and traffic and lazy musculature. there are crazy people who demand unruly things from you and walk into the kitchen asking if you're going to come out soon. what the hell are you doing here??? there are moments when you realize that the sun is setting in the sky, and you've seen it rising. there's something about seeing both the sun rise and set that just doesn't do it for me.
whatever happened to you today, i hope that you ate something and did at least one thing that was bebeficial to maintaining your sanity.
blatz*
---
Sunday, November 30, 2003
---
and you begin to realize that nearing to the end of the night, you've had a great day.
you get stuff done, things have been accomplished and you've had good times with your friends. there's something about just having a succession of beautiful moments with people you care about, or touching base with folks you might've not seen in a few years, that puts your life in a sort of micro-perspective.
whatever happened to you last night, i hope you ended up in your bed safely and happily.
poofy*
---
and you begin to realize that nearing to the end of the night, you've had a great day.
you get stuff done, things have been accomplished and you've had good times with your friends. there's something about just having a succession of beautiful moments with people you care about, or touching base with folks you might've not seen in a few years, that puts your life in a sort of micro-perspective.
whatever happened to you last night, i hope you ended up in your bed safely and happily.
poofy*
---
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
: ancient lovers on the coasts:
a raging swell which
above all is intimacy
sets me adrift beyond the borders of
all of the world
of which I know.
a deep opening that
comes manifest among
those who would hold such a jewel
close to their bodies
which lay agape
and diagonal.
-
- c. bay milin –
- 11.26.03 –
a raging swell which
above all is intimacy
sets me adrift beyond the borders of
all of the world
of which I know.
a deep opening that
comes manifest among
those who would hold such a jewel
close to their bodies
which lay agape
and diagonal.
-
- c. bay milin –
- 11.26.03 –
---
BESHY: everything ok
BESHY: ?
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: did you read my blog?
weederman23: i had kinda of a c- day
BESHY: not today
BESHY: but you sound like you did
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: i want so much to have good days and be positive and confident and express those feelings out into my reality
weederman23: but i regress usually to what i have not as the dominant thoughts, rather than the what-haves
weederman23: it's a frustratingly dismal process; this getting towards bliss
BESHY: hmmm
weederman23: yes.
weederman23: hmmm indeed
weederman23: i find myself thinking that i might be more fun in general to work with or alongside of, than to be with or around
weederman23: and sometimes i forget how unapealing that is to other people
---
BESHY: everything ok
BESHY: ?
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: did you read my blog?
weederman23: i had kinda of a c- day
BESHY: not today
BESHY: but you sound like you did
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: i want so much to have good days and be positive and confident and express those feelings out into my reality
weederman23: but i regress usually to what i have not as the dominant thoughts, rather than the what-haves
weederman23: it's a frustratingly dismal process; this getting towards bliss
BESHY: hmmm
weederman23: yes.
weederman23: hmmm indeed
weederman23: i find myself thinking that i might be more fun in general to work with or alongside of, than to be with or around
weederman23: and sometimes i forget how unapealing that is to other people
---
---
:a little each day:
grin and bare it
you can take it
it cuts, twists, wrenches, binds suffocates
the inward glances
the formation of reality within unreal personal desires
i am lost
and where i am i do not know
where the exit is
there is no green sign
showing me the way out
of this theatre
and i'm all out of jujubees.
c. bay milin
:a little each day:
grin and bare it
you can take it
it cuts, twists, wrenches, binds suffocates
the inward glances
the formation of reality within unreal personal desires
i am lost
and where i am i do not know
where the exit is
there is no green sign
showing me the way out
of this theatre
and i'm all out of jujubees.
c. bay milin
Monday, November 24, 2003
---
i like feet. i won't lie. there's something about those little piglets, when all cleaned and pampered. so what if they're a tad crooked or the second toe is a smidge longer than the big toe...it's a preference, not a perversion. i like smooth, tanned, healthy feet. i like uma thurman's chubby left ring toe; i like feet walking on my back, and i love the sound of feet intermingling under sheets.
this is fact and whatever you may think, feet are hot.
this is of course discounting corns, bunions, and fools that just don't wash. cause that be nathsty yeahh.
whatever...
bay
---
i like feet. i won't lie. there's something about those little piglets, when all cleaned and pampered. so what if they're a tad crooked or the second toe is a smidge longer than the big toe...it's a preference, not a perversion. i like smooth, tanned, healthy feet. i like uma thurman's chubby left ring toe; i like feet walking on my back, and i love the sound of feet intermingling under sheets.
this is fact and whatever you may think, feet are hot.
this is of course discounting corns, bunions, and fools that just don't wash. cause that be nathsty yeahh.
whatever...
bay
---
Thursday, November 20, 2003
---
i went to the war memorial opera house tonight; a sort of re-introduction if you will, to the hoity toity SF opera community. the production was of Don Carlos, by Verdi, the less popularly staged frech-language version.
and then there she was; the embodiment of exactly the sort of lady that just does it for me. she was but 10 feet away from me and i couldn't move or do anything or say a word. those are the moments that define my life. will you take that risk?
in fact, she looked too much like every girl that has hurt me before, and yet i ligered in the doorway and looked on. and then it became too late; the bells rang throughout the lobby, the house lights dimmed, and the moment had passed.
---
i went to the war memorial opera house tonight; a sort of re-introduction if you will, to the hoity toity SF opera community. the production was of Don Carlos, by Verdi, the less popularly staged frech-language version.
and then there she was; the embodiment of exactly the sort of lady that just does it for me. she was but 10 feet away from me and i couldn't move or do anything or say a word. those are the moments that define my life. will you take that risk?
in fact, she looked too much like every girl that has hurt me before, and yet i ligered in the doorway and looked on. and then it became too late; the bells rang throughout the lobby, the house lights dimmed, and the moment had passed.
---
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
---
"nope, no clue..."
sometimes i have no clue at all
i sit and think like a stumped stump, sitting in a forest
i walk on empty paths
i run in vast expanses of nothing
and still i find no way out
still hurts? why not?
where's the manuals, where are these rules, where are these multitudes of
ladies in waiting,
waiting for a boy like me, waiting for what i have to offer, waiting
always waiting in silence?
sometimes i have no clue at all
and how just one word could change melancholy
into a bright star glowing ever.
-c. bay milin-
---
"nope, no clue..."
sometimes i have no clue at all
i sit and think like a stumped stump, sitting in a forest
i walk on empty paths
i run in vast expanses of nothing
and still i find no way out
still hurts? why not?
where's the manuals, where are these rules, where are these multitudes of
ladies in waiting,
waiting for a boy like me, waiting for what i have to offer, waiting
always waiting in silence?
sometimes i have no clue at all
and how just one word could change melancholy
into a bright star glowing ever.
-c. bay milin-
---
Sunday, November 16, 2003
---
and all at once you find yourself wholey optimisitic. as if a bright and encompassingly overwhelming rush of gleaming light surrounds your body and exhumes all fear and frustration. it's a soul cleansing flip-of-the-switch that illuminates.
for some reason i have as of the past couple years, plagued with bouts of inner-termoil and outward false happiness. today i actually feel the same on the inside as i present on the outside. it's no change to everyone else, but the inexplicable differences are euphoric and intense.
what the hell is going on? is this what other people are feeling all the time? it's time to look ahead and do it...
bay
ps-to all the couples who make out in airport telephone stalls, get a god damn room for real!
---
and all at once you find yourself wholey optimisitic. as if a bright and encompassingly overwhelming rush of gleaming light surrounds your body and exhumes all fear and frustration. it's a soul cleansing flip-of-the-switch that illuminates.
for some reason i have as of the past couple years, plagued with bouts of inner-termoil and outward false happiness. today i actually feel the same on the inside as i present on the outside. it's no change to everyone else, but the inexplicable differences are euphoric and intense.
what the hell is going on? is this what other people are feeling all the time? it's time to look ahead and do it...
bay
ps-to all the couples who make out in airport telephone stalls, get a god damn room for real!
---
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
---
you come home and your life starts to take on a new shape; it's reeling and readjusting to the familiar and the slight changes around.
i went back to my crap job yesterday at A CUPPA TEA, and the place was the same; the same it has and had always been, but it looked bigger. the lights were fixed, the customers different, the food still scary and the work the exact same. it is now i, who am different amongst the settings that were so normalized.
and of course this is the nature of returning back to a place where you have spent so much time; the nature of returning, the nature of coming back to and what not. so how fantastic is it to think that in light of a life-shifting journey, you could indeed make drastic positive and sweeping changes to your own existance?
i'm going to work on it, and get back to you later...
----
you come home and your life starts to take on a new shape; it's reeling and readjusting to the familiar and the slight changes around.
i went back to my crap job yesterday at A CUPPA TEA, and the place was the same; the same it has and had always been, but it looked bigger. the lights were fixed, the customers different, the food still scary and the work the exact same. it is now i, who am different amongst the settings that were so normalized.
and of course this is the nature of returning back to a place where you have spent so much time; the nature of returning, the nature of coming back to and what not. so how fantastic is it to think that in light of a life-shifting journey, you could indeed make drastic positive and sweeping changes to your own existance?
i'm going to work on it, and get back to you later...
----
Sunday, November 09, 2003
---
so here i am, the third leg today.
i'm waiting for my flight out of boston mass @ logan airport. this morning i got up at gentry's dad's house in oceanside, long island, NY. then caught the LIRR (long island rail road) to Penn Station, caught a cab to the budjet 10 dollar bus from chinatown NYC to chinatown BOS. then caught the orangeline from there to the blue line. since i was 4 hours before schedule...i took a leisurely train ride to Wonderland, the end-of-the-line stop on the outbound blue T. i sat there for about an hour and just luxuriated in the sun, beachside, and concluded my trip.
so here i am thus come to the airport then thusly. big up to my east coast peeps: newly moved-in petur and kali, becca my true anchor, kasia's parents the saviors in beverly mass., corrie the boston brawler ballerina, and gentry the bi-coastal theater sage ingenue. what a crazy adventure i've had. home to dallas to iceland to boston to beverly to the NYC to long island to boston to home soon...i hope everyone is doing well and i miss e'yone soooo much. anyone who can, meet me at the 'tross and i'll gang you on a game of diggity darts. peas from the east.
boom bap boom boom bap bay
----
so here i am, the third leg today.
i'm waiting for my flight out of boston mass @ logan airport. this morning i got up at gentry's dad's house in oceanside, long island, NY. then caught the LIRR (long island rail road) to Penn Station, caught a cab to the budjet 10 dollar bus from chinatown NYC to chinatown BOS. then caught the orangeline from there to the blue line. since i was 4 hours before schedule...i took a leisurely train ride to Wonderland, the end-of-the-line stop on the outbound blue T. i sat there for about an hour and just luxuriated in the sun, beachside, and concluded my trip.
so here i am thus come to the airport then thusly. big up to my east coast peeps: newly moved-in petur and kali, becca my true anchor, kasia's parents the saviors in beverly mass., corrie the boston brawler ballerina, and gentry the bi-coastal theater sage ingenue. what a crazy adventure i've had. home to dallas to iceland to boston to beverly to the NYC to long island to boston to home soon...i hope everyone is doing well and i miss e'yone soooo much. anyone who can, meet me at the 'tross and i'll gang you on a game of diggity darts. peas from the east.
boom bap boom boom bap bay
----
Thursday, November 06, 2003
my legs hurt something fierce; as to a sledgehammer upon the legs...
----
so yeah,
i am in th N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and
thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown
a coupla days ago. everything is so
urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.
the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a
vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people
here. i could see how daunting having a life here would
be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies
swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is
always "on."
there is something going on everywhere, and that
alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without
getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a
sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look
at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.
it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing
through your soul...
...i almost forgot what that felt like.
----
so yeah,
i am in th N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and
thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown
a coupla days ago. everything is so
urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.
the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a
vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people
here. i could see how daunting having a life here would
be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies
swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is
always "on."
there is something going on everywhere, and that
alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without
getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a
sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look
at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.
it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing
through your soul...
...i almost forgot what that felt like.
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
----
so yeah,
i am in the N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown a coupla days ago. everything is so urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.
the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people here. i could see how daunting having a life here would be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is always "on."
there is something going on everywhere, and that alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.
it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing through your soul...
...i almost forgot what that felt like.
----
so yeah,
i am in the N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown a coupla days ago. everything is so urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.
the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people here. i could see how daunting having a life here would be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is always "on."
there is something going on everywhere, and that alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.
it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing through your soul...
...i almost forgot what that felt like.
----
----
so yeah,
i am in th N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown a coupla days ago. everything is so urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.
the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people here. i could see how daunting having a life here would be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is always "on."
there is something going on everywhere, and that alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.
it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing through your soul...
...i almost forgot what that felt like.
----
so yeah,
i am in th N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown a coupla days ago. everything is so urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.
the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people here. i could see how daunting having a life here would be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is always "on."
there is something going on everywhere, and that alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.
it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing through your soul...
...i almost forgot what that felt like.
----
Saturday, November 01, 2003
: i am here, here i am...:
well, i'm back. yes i am. i am here in boston, mass. it's funny you know? the way your environment shifts all of the time; the way that people look at you on the street changes with that shift; the smells, the colors, the landscapes and the textures of places.
you should see the foliage here in beverly (16 miles from boston), it's glorious unbridled, lustlfully lush, swaying in a fall dreamery spectrum afternoon, new england clear skies blissful warm comforting oceanside mellow calm.
i almost forgot where i was. being here from being there, it hits me almost three or four times a second," i am not there anymore and i can feel it." it runs through my bones and passes through my porous skin. i am here. i exist. but to a dreamed state...this is real, and i have arrived yet again at a place unfamiliar, but as real as any place. this sense of wonder is the result of a good travel.
get on your horses, we're riding.
-------
well, i'm back. yes i am. i am here in boston, mass. it's funny you know? the way your environment shifts all of the time; the way that people look at you on the street changes with that shift; the smells, the colors, the landscapes and the textures of places.
you should see the foliage here in beverly (16 miles from boston), it's glorious unbridled, lustlfully lush, swaying in a fall dreamery spectrum afternoon, new england clear skies blissful warm comforting oceanside mellow calm.
i almost forgot where i was. being here from being there, it hits me almost three or four times a second," i am not there anymore and i can feel it." it runs through my bones and passes through my porous skin. i am here. i exist. but to a dreamed state...this is real, and i have arrived yet again at a place unfamiliar, but as real as any place. this sense of wonder is the result of a good travel.
get on your horses, we're riding.
-------
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
on my way back...
the question being thus:
can i return home ? will i be the same and will my life be the same? do i want it to be like it was before? with all that i´ve seen and shared and learned and smelled and eaten and loved.
going home then, will be an excercise in that activity of readjusting to the excess and banality of the american consumer culture. true that it is also very consumeristic and expensive to exist here iniceland, but there is a sense of non-class-ness, health awareness, energy conservation, and family ties that rise above positively hovering over any of the more noticable negative aspects.
i want to stay. i want to leave. i want to travel. i want to go home. i never want to return home ever again.
life is a series of events that seem to get more and more complex as the days pass through me. i hope that i can stay aware and adrift, because it´s too fun to be sleeping the days away. gotta get moving....
bay
big ups to my man petur for putting up with all my manias. good luck in the NYC.
the question being thus:
can i return home ? will i be the same and will my life be the same? do i want it to be like it was before? with all that i´ve seen and shared and learned and smelled and eaten and loved.
going home then, will be an excercise in that activity of readjusting to the excess and banality of the american consumer culture. true that it is also very consumeristic and expensive to exist here iniceland, but there is a sense of non-class-ness, health awareness, energy conservation, and family ties that rise above positively hovering over any of the more noticable negative aspects.
i want to stay. i want to leave. i want to travel. i want to go home. i never want to return home ever again.
life is a series of events that seem to get more and more complex as the days pass through me. i hope that i can stay aware and adrift, because it´s too fun to be sleeping the days away. gotta get moving....
bay
big ups to my man petur for putting up with all my manias. good luck in the NYC.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
you know that there is a higher power working in all things, when you are in iceland and you have really nothing to do at 10:40pm and the matrix decides to meander onto icelandic television. they don´t cut the movie at all, they don´t bleep out or re-record over the swears. there is nothing better than a basic television station playing a kickass flick in its entirety, and being able to not have to break the flow of it with commercials selling crap that i won´t buy anyways.
i love iceland
ÖÖÖÖÖÖ
i love iceland
ÖÖÖÖÖÖ
Friday, October 24, 2003
my back hurts. in fact it hurts all day everyday. it must be the sleeping position i´ve chosen, the softness or the hardness of my bed of choice, or the way that my spine is in constant grapples with gravity and its forever pull towards the center of the earth. in any case, however, my back has seen better mornings, afternoons, siestas, and nights.
where is the relief? where are all of the answers? how does one better him or herself, if there is no other viable savior other than the internet? is this the way life is evoving towards? who is to say that it will replace the simple replies of people, face-to-face?
to my back, as i am in an icelandic school internet facility, there are two women talking in spanish. i love the fact that one is spanish speaking and the other is icelandic. this simple exchange gives me hope for the future and reaffirms how less i think of america at times. travelling is fun.
maybe tonight i´ll sleep on the floor.
------
where is the relief? where are all of the answers? how does one better him or herself, if there is no other viable savior other than the internet? is this the way life is evoving towards? who is to say that it will replace the simple replies of people, face-to-face?
to my back, as i am in an icelandic school internet facility, there are two women talking in spanish. i love the fact that one is spanish speaking and the other is icelandic. this simple exchange gives me hope for the future and reaffirms how less i think of america at times. travelling is fun.
maybe tonight i´ll sleep on the floor.
------
Monday, October 20, 2003
icelandic tripitty triznip:
if ever the chance arises, i greatly support a six-day road trip around the island/country of iceland. bring a friend, a reliable car with all terrain wheels, a crapload of film, food that won't spoil, and a ton of expectations.
petur and i just returned from our trip and are back in reykjavik. isn´t it crazy to think that you exist where you are all the time. there is no escape. no matter where you are, there you are. i found myself so humbled by the temporary aspect of my lifespan on this trip within a trip. the breathtaking views, the glaciers, the icelandic horses roaming free in the countryside, and all of the natural oddities and unique formations that color and augment the vast elemental beauty of the island.
i had a great time, and hope that everyone, sometime in the span of their existence on this rock, get the chance to do this...it´s so worth it......especially if you have a friend who can speak icelandic.
biggity baynard to the boogity bee
ps yáll, if you happen to sleep in your car at an esso gas station in the outer countryside, be weary of drunken young girls roaming for a party...they also usually come in twos.
keep them eyes open.
peas
------
if ever the chance arises, i greatly support a six-day road trip around the island/country of iceland. bring a friend, a reliable car with all terrain wheels, a crapload of film, food that won't spoil, and a ton of expectations.
petur and i just returned from our trip and are back in reykjavik. isn´t it crazy to think that you exist where you are all the time. there is no escape. no matter where you are, there you are. i found myself so humbled by the temporary aspect of my lifespan on this trip within a trip. the breathtaking views, the glaciers, the icelandic horses roaming free in the countryside, and all of the natural oddities and unique formations that color and augment the vast elemental beauty of the island.
i had a great time, and hope that everyone, sometime in the span of their existence on this rock, get the chance to do this...it´s so worth it......especially if you have a friend who can speak icelandic.
biggity baynard to the boogity bee
ps yáll, if you happen to sleep in your car at an esso gas station in the outer countryside, be weary of drunken young girls roaming for a party...they also usually come in twos.
keep them eyes open.
peas
------
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Sunday, October 05, 2003
well here i am. the name might seem like it´s just a geographically and purposefully misnamed island, but is it cold as ice? the answer is yes.
after being here for a week, i can tell you that there is a comforting silence at night, a calm surge of life and activities during the day, and if there are bar fights, then the fireworks come out. icelanders are hospitable and keen on logic. the other side to most of the clubbers and nightlifers is that they party hearty. very hearty. if iceland was a soup it would be sheep-cheeks stew gombo. or something like that.
in other words, it´s not america and that´s good enough for now.
yipperdoo
takk.
after being here for a week, i can tell you that there is a comforting silence at night, a calm surge of life and activities during the day, and if there are bar fights, then the fireworks come out. icelanders are hospitable and keen on logic. the other side to most of the clubbers and nightlifers is that they party hearty. very hearty. if iceland was a soup it would be sheep-cheeks stew gombo. or something like that.
in other words, it´s not america and that´s good enough for now.
yipperdoo
takk.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
Monday, September 22, 2003
and all at once
she becomes
real
a fairy tale
a vapor
a daydream manifesting
born out from a lick of silver
she slowly walked towards me
took my hand in hers
an led me away
her tawny limbs swaying
the light of the sun beaming through the strands of her hair
then in that bright moment
it all disappears
my fingers pass through her
nothing is left but dim memories and sadness
and all at once
She becomes real
...
she becomes
real
a fairy tale
a vapor
a daydream manifesting
born out from a lick of silver
she slowly walked towards me
took my hand in hers
an led me away
her tawny limbs swaying
the light of the sun beaming through the strands of her hair
then in that bright moment
it all disappears
my fingers pass through her
nothing is left but dim memories and sadness
and all at once
She becomes real
...
okay okay okay
another nonsensical rant:
NALGENE
everyone's got one. where's yours?? it's the colest piece of poly-urethyne plastic container ever. it's a water bottle. a water bottle! that's it.
but, everyone has to have one. wheter gray with a blue top, pink with a red top, or cobalt with a gray top, everyone's gotta have their nalgene botttle, can't go anywhere without my nalgene bottle.
oh my god where's your nalgene bottle?
my nalgene bottle?
yes your nalgene bottle...everyone's got one.
hmmm, i don't have one.
well, now you're out of the club.
in all due respect to water drinkers of the hipster persuasion...
...it's just a water bottle. the fact that you can put hot water in it without it melting is just a yipperdoo. just because everyone has a hip item, doesn't make it less unique.
this is all.
bay
ps-i used to have one of these things too, but back then it was just called a water bottle for camping. so yeah...
another nonsensical rant:
NALGENE
everyone's got one. where's yours?? it's the colest piece of poly-urethyne plastic container ever. it's a water bottle. a water bottle! that's it.
but, everyone has to have one. wheter gray with a blue top, pink with a red top, or cobalt with a gray top, everyone's gotta have their nalgene botttle, can't go anywhere without my nalgene bottle.
oh my god where's your nalgene bottle?
my nalgene bottle?
yes your nalgene bottle...everyone's got one.
hmmm, i don't have one.
well, now you're out of the club.
in all due respect to water drinkers of the hipster persuasion...
...it's just a water bottle. the fact that you can put hot water in it without it melting is just a yipperdoo. just because everyone has a hip item, doesn't make it less unique.
this is all.
bay
ps-i used to have one of these things too, but back then it was just called a water bottle for camping. so yeah...
Sunday, September 21, 2003
weederman23 (10:55:05 PM): i think miss hawaii is going to win miss america
weederman23 (10:55:11 PM): i am so excited i can't wait
weederman23 (10:55:22 PM): there's only her and miss florida left
weederman23 (10:55:27 PM): who'll it me
weederman23 (10:55:35 PM): i saw hawaii
weederman23 (10:55:38 PM): it is.......
weederman23 (10:55:50 PM): miss florida
weederman23 (10:55:52 PM): boo
weederman23 (10:55:59 PM): i wanted it to be miss hawaii
weederman23 (10:56:07 PM): this is silly
weederman23 (10:56:15 PM): mow i am dumber
weederman23 (10:55:11 PM): i am so excited i can't wait
weederman23 (10:55:22 PM): there's only her and miss florida left
weederman23 (10:55:27 PM): who'll it me
weederman23 (10:55:35 PM): i saw hawaii
weederman23 (10:55:38 PM): it is.......
weederman23 (10:55:50 PM): miss florida
weederman23 (10:55:52 PM): boo
weederman23 (10:55:59 PM): i wanted it to be miss hawaii
weederman23 (10:56:07 PM): this is silly
weederman23 (10:56:15 PM): mow i am dumber
Saturday, September 20, 2003
lost in translation:
whatever you may think about it being bad, you're wrong.
well even if you're not wrong, it a fantabulous film. a quiet at times beautiful romantic story about two souls in a state of reassessment. bill murray is so damn brilliant as he plays this over-the-hump dishevelled actor in japan shooting a whiskey commercial. scarlett johansson is a perfect counterpoise to him ans she plays a girl-of-access just beginning her life, and trying to find out what it is she'll do with it. aside from the humanistic asspects of desire and lonliness, tokyo is a perfect setting in playing a subtle third character. it is both loud and sparkly at the same time alienating and brash.
i am not too good at reviews as i am out of practice and what not, but believe this:
lost in translation is damn good.
i think that's it for today.
-----
whatever you may think about it being bad, you're wrong.
well even if you're not wrong, it a fantabulous film. a quiet at times beautiful romantic story about two souls in a state of reassessment. bill murray is so damn brilliant as he plays this over-the-hump dishevelled actor in japan shooting a whiskey commercial. scarlett johansson is a perfect counterpoise to him ans she plays a girl-of-access just beginning her life, and trying to find out what it is she'll do with it. aside from the humanistic asspects of desire and lonliness, tokyo is a perfect setting in playing a subtle third character. it is both loud and sparkly at the same time alienating and brash.
i am not too good at reviews as i am out of practice and what not, but believe this:
lost in translation is damn good.
i think that's it for today.
-----
Friday, September 19, 2003
if you're going to eat crappy, don't eat this crappy:
breakfast:
1/4th digiorno slice supreme spicy chicken pizza
orangina
lunch:
everything bagel with butter/jam
two bottles of water
calistoga
dinner:
sunkist soda
1/2 bowl of pad thai
egg sandwich
i feel like crapping and hurling at the same time.
---
breakfast:
1/4th digiorno slice supreme spicy chicken pizza
orangina
lunch:
everything bagel with butter/jam
two bottles of water
calistoga
dinner:
sunkist soda
1/2 bowl of pad thai
egg sandwich
i feel like crapping and hurling at the same time.
---
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
there's something about the berkeley/oakland white hipster. usually sruffy or fashionably unique. there are girls with striped armbands and cords walking dogs with pink bows, or boys with black dickies just tight enough to counterpoise their newly aquired print vintage shirt. you see the activist nature granola honeycombscrub mielsoap wielding honeysuckle branch wax shoe doc marten rockstar i give a fuck demeanor. the white-dreadlocked neo-rastafarian macheavellian. ladies in paisley spaghetti-strapped summer frocks with pattern skirts flowwing in the afternoon breezes whilst riding on bicycles barely pieced together, but ultimately hip and user-friendly.
yes, there's no gettingaround or though them, because odds are you might be one.
yes, there's no gettingaround or though them, because odds are you might be one.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Thursday, September 11, 2003
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
not to be a subversive or nothing, but chiggity check this newest revelation of governmental excrement soon to be in a wallet near you!!
http://www.msnbc.com/news/963635.asp#BODY
hey america! no matter how much color you add to bits of paper, you suck ass. i'm sorry, it's too late to play catch up with all of the other nations with a soul...boo hoo to you too.
...that is all...
baystar one
http://www.msnbc.com/news/963635.asp#BODY
hey america! no matter how much color you add to bits of paper, you suck ass. i'm sorry, it's too late to play catch up with all of the other nations with a soul...boo hoo to you too.
...that is all...
baystar one
Saturday, September 06, 2003
weederman23 says:
http://comingsoon.net/news.php?id=1365
Brent Rosenbaum says:
TIIIIIIIGHT
Brent Rosenbaum says:
I will be all over that
weederman23 says:
yeah
weederman23 says:
but c'mon
weederman23 says:
how many times can hamlet be reinterpreted?
weederman23 says:
really
Brent Rosenbaum says:
not hamlet. it's macbeth
weederman23 says:
but c'mon
weederman23 says:
how many times can macbeth be reinterpreted?
weederman23 says:
really
Brent Rosenbaum says:
as long as it's hoffman and not hawke, i'll be there.
weederman23 says:
aw shappapa your moutha
weederman23 says:
yeah, i'll be there too
weederman23 says:
focker
Brent Rosenbaum says:
You just don't get it. You don't seeee plays... snob.
Brent Rosenbaum says:
i think i'm gonna change my phone number today
weederman23 says:
huh?
weederman23 says:
not like anyone has called you
Brent Rosenbaum says:
time for me to move on to the 303 area code
Brent Rosenbaum says:
i know, huh?
weederman23 says:
whatever
weederman23 says:
303 is for suckers who suck
Brent Rosenbaum says:
fine... FUCK 510 then
weederman23 says:
five-one-oh!
weederman23 says:
my beard itches
Brent Rosenbaum says:
fleas?
weederman23 says:
no asshole, coarseness
weederman23 says:
dick
Brent Rosenbaum says:
coarse-dick-fleas
weederman23 says:
hmmm, i'm done
http://comingsoon.net/news.php?id=1365
Brent Rosenbaum says:
TIIIIIIIGHT
Brent Rosenbaum says:
I will be all over that
weederman23 says:
yeah
weederman23 says:
but c'mon
weederman23 says:
how many times can hamlet be reinterpreted?
weederman23 says:
really
Brent Rosenbaum says:
not hamlet. it's macbeth
weederman23 says:
but c'mon
weederman23 says:
how many times can macbeth be reinterpreted?
weederman23 says:
really
Brent Rosenbaum says:
as long as it's hoffman and not hawke, i'll be there.
weederman23 says:
aw shappapa your moutha
weederman23 says:
yeah, i'll be there too
weederman23 says:
focker
Brent Rosenbaum says:
You just don't get it. You don't seeee plays... snob.
Brent Rosenbaum says:
i think i'm gonna change my phone number today
weederman23 says:
huh?
weederman23 says:
not like anyone has called you
Brent Rosenbaum says:
time for me to move on to the 303 area code
Brent Rosenbaum says:
i know, huh?
weederman23 says:
whatever
weederman23 says:
303 is for suckers who suck
Brent Rosenbaum says:
fine... FUCK 510 then
weederman23 says:
five-one-oh!
weederman23 says:
my beard itches
Brent Rosenbaum says:
fleas?
weederman23 says:
no asshole, coarseness
weederman23 says:
dick
Brent Rosenbaum says:
coarse-dick-fleas
weederman23 says:
hmmm, i'm done
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
september already? what the hell is going on.
or
how much of our lives is left to a sense of "fate" and how much is pro-activity?
screw fate, create your own manifest destiny.
the days are too short, i wake up too late, stay up just as long, see less of the sun, see less of my friends, see less money, stay indoors a lot, watch a lot of movies describing unhappy people in unhappy situations finding life and love and having change happen unto then and creating change, taking charge of manifest destiny.
so stop staying the same.
evolve as the minutes do, everything changes, everything in transition...
...be in transition too.
---
or
how much of our lives is left to a sense of "fate" and how much is pro-activity?
screw fate, create your own manifest destiny.
the days are too short, i wake up too late, stay up just as long, see less of the sun, see less of my friends, see less money, stay indoors a lot, watch a lot of movies describing unhappy people in unhappy situations finding life and love and having change happen unto then and creating change, taking charge of manifest destiny.
so stop staying the same.
evolve as the minutes do, everything changes, everything in transition...
...be in transition too.
---
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)