" come forward spring, you saucy harlot "

---

it smells like spring outside. i can smell it.

i always thought that perhaps i might purchase a pair of those seasonal affected disorder light-glasses, because the lack of warmth and sun over a long period of time was starting to get unbearable.

but lo and behold, the first scent-hint of a season shows its pair of legs, and i'm going to go out and greet them.

---

mars 27:


mars 28:


---

" i want to cook you a soup that warms your soul "

---

your phone rings loudly and you wake up in the afternoon in a jostle. when you go to answer it, the caller is already gone.

you hope for a nice sunny spring day, and you get a shifting constant dappled rainfall, which washes and swishes along the street as vehicles drive by.

hours of email, hours of staring at screens, hours of gameplay. when will any hint of a payoff come along if you're always sitting at home "working?" but it's wet out, and besides that, you don't have any cash for the subway fare.

even though your room seems to be piling up with clutter, papers and loose mail un-filed, random articles of clothing not quite ready for wash strategically sandwiched in the crevices next to the pile of bags and equipment, bowls unwashed, cups of water empty, deep sighs and electrons abound, you just can't muster up enough optimism and verve to clean today.

the bells from the church adjacent rings clear and loud over multiple municipal sirens and the rains and the winds. nothing is particularly wrong, but then again, nothing feels particularly super awesome.

another day at home, another bowl of soup, cold feet, cold fingers, warm heart.

another long slow journey from day into night.

---

mars 25:


mars 26:


---

" the grapes of wrath "

---

five things that happened today:

1) listened to WNYC and realized that the world is in turmoil at all times.

2) made a 3-egg omelet, some rice, and a pan of roasted vegetables with mozzarella cheese all over it.

3) made a decision that may send me to another country really really soon, or not.

4) went to a special event at the MOMA after hours, to check out the upcoming exhibit called "into the sunset." it was rad, but there sure were a lot of rich people just there to be fashionable and be seen and not actually check out the photos.

5) drank two johnny walker red label whiskey & cokes 45 minutes apart from each other. they were super strong, and even with the timed pause (to check out the photos), i was tipsy all the way home.

tonight's homework:

think about the past, live for today, plan for tomorrow.

---


---

" we're almost there "

---

three things unrelated:

1) got my flash back today form the repair facility. it took a total of 17 days from mailing it out for it to return to me. it works fine, but cost me more than half the cost of it to repair.


2) finally got a taste of a banh mi vietnamese sandwich from the new Hanco's, that a few sources have talked much about. my mini review goes like this:

- the cost is $6.50 for most of the sandwiches, which is almost 2X the cost of my banh mi anchor in chinatown. that sort of made me sigh.

- it took about 10 minutes to get the sandwich, but since this location is in park slope, in the old tea lounge spot, it still remained cozy and cushy, although the music was 'musak' and the lighting scheme was like it was closing down for the day.

- the size of it was comparable to other banh mi i've had; it was about 6 inches. coulda been bigger, or would be a little whet-your-appetite expensive (comparatively) treat.

- the pickled daikon & carrots, as well as the cilantro and peppers were fresh. the pickled veggies were thinner and sort of sweet.

- the baguette was warm and had good spongy give to it, which was nice, but wasn't as the french say "croustillant." so yeah...there was that.

- the pork was savory and had a good mouthfeel, but felt more like ground beef or a juicy less sloppy sloppy-joe.

my friend lauren dug it, but they managed to bewilder both of us by serving her thai ice tea that was brown, then said that it was thai ice tea. we were both confused. in the end, as patrick put it, "oh well...it'll do in a park slope pinch i guess." indeed.


3) it was an average of 43° today. now, at the very end of the day, it's a shivery 34° and i'm wearing a 700-fill north face jacket in my room. i can't feel my fingers or toes, and the winds are causing the windows to quiver and flex.

the daughter of the family that lives on the first level came up to tell me that tonight, there will be no heat due to a broken hot water boiler. "it'll be fixed by tomorrow," she said, but i'm not sure that it actually makes a difference, as i usually never feel the benefits of the radiators' heat, unless i'm up at 5am in a sweaty mess.

i'm just sort of indifferent i suppose, because it's not really the cold that bothered me, but the fact that there never is a 'happy-medium' temperature that exists in my room. either too hot or too cold is so normal, that just look to the oncoming spring to smooth out and reconcile these extremes.

---


---

" nothing wrong with adventure "

---

the outside world is still fascinating. there are still places to go to, to look at, to see things there. go go go.

isn't it funny how you always want more. more around the corner, more scoops of free mac & cheese, more tipple, more and more and more until there's nothing left.

ride your bike, ride the train, ride your shoes with your feet in them to someplace new.

no time like the present, until you find out that the present is moving away from you, and you're still standing there like a goob. click them heels and get to it; there's still time yet.

---

mars 21:


mars 22:


---

" night & day, day & night "

---

i could never use a sketch book as a kid. i would draw on desks with pencils, the sidewalk with chalks, in newspapers and books with crayons and pens, and on woodscraps with paints.

whenever trying to focus all of that creative energy on a blank page in a sketch book or a pad of paper, i'd always get a blank. my perfection-prone style wanting to start in blue pencil instead of pen as per usual.

not oddly enough, i'd never draw anything of (self-imposed)worth inside of any of these books, and everything of substance and satisfaction could be found on scraps of paper and masterful strokes in my doodles on lined papers.

it's the lack of that permanence that freed me from the pressures of creationing. so now i'm surrounded by envelopes of doodles and scraps, teeming with beautiful and creative pieces, and a multitude of sketch books that only have a few pages half-done in tedious implementation.

i'm going to try to remove the sketchbook mentality from my life, and strive to doodle my way though these times. you can take my timid blue pencils, i'm working with broad brushes and black inks.

---

mars 19:


mars 20:


---

" 58° for my soul "

---

man oh man oh man,

come bright sun, come overcast hazy clouds,
come birds, come park lawns,
come rain showers, come walking out of doors.

spring is finally putting on some shoes and taking a walk.

---


---

" hits & misses "

---

the things that happened today:

- woke up from a dream to a phone call from my mom at 11:34am

- got two emails that set the tone; one telling me that my federal tax refund was directly deposited into my account, and one telling me that i had not won or placed in another photography competition. it was a strange sucker-punch.

- followed the iphone OS 3.0 liveblog like a nerd.

- ate two slices of pizza for brunch at 3-ish pm.

- watched about 13 trailers online.

- moved into the living room cause it was too cold to sit and be in my room.

- drew a bunch of drawings just to draw.

- watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and loved remembering what makes love so worth it.

- realized that as soon as i get going, day is already turning into night, slow and lovely.

---


---

" look to me there "

---

when will i see you there,
at that junction?

how will i ever know?
how will i ever know?

there's no need for a set time.
just an intent.

or finding the proper sutures to
sew all of the splices up.

or finding the path to walk down,
while stopping often for an
intermittent pause.

---


---

" and look what all happened to you "

---

lulling along a sunday afternoon.
one phone call taken, one call missed.
nothing's the same, and nothing's changed.

soon to be a monday morning.
the heart remembers, the body laments.
no one's home, and no one's here.

minutes to go before the night shifts into day.
one decision made, one thought set aside.
no need to panic, no need for alarm.

---

mars 13:


mars 14:


mars 15:


---

" when do you fathom becoming a coat checker? "

---

it's getting brutal out there.

remember when we all said that when the new year comes, things'll be different. when it's a fresh start, a wide open path of opportunities, of pathways unexplored, and of new beginnings?

i'm not sure if i'm doing the very best i can, but apparently i'm overqualified to be a data entrant. DATA ENTRY! is this the universe telling me that i'm destined for bigger better things, or that i am not fit to enter data?

i may be looking into being a coat checker for the museum where i'm a photographer on a freelance basis, and is that okay? just to get some money coming in?

temp agencies, unpaid internships, dead end shitty jobs that you don't want to do.

is it better to fight for these jobs now, just because that's what in the air, or should i just sit at home and continue to photo edit my dream into reality?

lots of sighs today.

---

mars 11:


mars 12:


---

" shoulder weight "

---

took the day yesterday to do my taxes. there's nothing like the feeling of your taxes being done. nothing.

okay, a great many things feel like that sort of relief, but this time, yesterday, it was a great weight off of my shoulders.

now what other great weights can i cast off my shoulders? let's see what i could do:

work search/find? check.

stock photo upload? check.

website cleaving and redesign? check.

bike riding until i'm not 182 lbs. anymore? so check.

check check check check check.

after breakfast today though, i still feel pudgy. but i'm reeling with at least the fact that my taxes are (pending any other issues) done.

tonight's homework:

check some ole things to do off of your checklist!

---

mars 9:


mars 10:


---

" tease me, tease me "

---

damn you spring. are you trying to make me crazy?

slinking in and around the corners and in the shadows. way to pop out for the last few days and make my knees feel all old and creaky. i really enjoyed that.

maybe what you could do is just be present. stand up, stand out. don't worry, no one is going to be mad at you. maybe just a little perturbed that you took so long playing hide and seek with our hearts.

i'm sort of over wearing four layers and gloves and boots. i'm not going to turn into that spring flip-flopper like i saw on the subway yesterday. i just want to ride my bike without a scarf, go on a walk without three pairs of socks on, and perhaps hang out on the roof?

could you put in a word with old man winter and see if he's ready to take a breather in the seasonal lodge rocking chair? i'll send him some beef jerky if he's less crotchety next year.

so come on out spring; we're ready to play.

---

mars 6:


mars 7:


mars 8:


---

" yo, milk is messed up! "

---

so i lived in thailand for a couple years and some a few years ago. in that time, i began a switch from cow's milk to soy milk. it was fresher and available in the morning, hot and cheap. when i did drink milk milk, it was not bad, just i had to go into a supermarket to purchase the cartons, rather than in a bag on the street in between points A & B.

since i've been back in the states, i've continued to drink soy milk, then rice dream, then as of late, the Trader Joe's version, known to all as "rice drink." while silly, it tastes delicious and does a good job of remaining a pseudo-creamy silky texture, without purporting to actually be a textural replacement for milk milk.

now, for the past couple days, i've found myself doubled over with pain from stomach gurgles that pack a punch to the gut. i bought a gallon of non-fat milk from key foods, and have been trying to drink a cup a day.

ouch ouch ouch it's not working. or is it? the first cup a couple days ago made my stomach so angry that i was in the restroom for the longest tiiiiiime. not quite poetic, but you realize just how fragile not only the outside of humans are, but the inside as well.

yesterday i drank a glass of milk; about 12 oz. the flavor was fresh and a little sweet. well, sweet in that way that milk is without being actually sweetened. nothing happened intro-gastronomically until 4 hours later. the same deal, but with more confidence that tonight's glass of milk may be absorbed and processed a little easier.

i don't want to be another one of those asian kids that can't drink milk milk. i mean, what is ice cream? i ate a fair amount of that when i was fiscally viable. so damn milk milk's hold on my guts' sadness. i'm goin' for it, and there's nothing that's stopping me.

(if you don't hear from me soonly, call me and make sure i'm not in a milk-induced coma. thanks)

---

mars 4:


mars 5:


---

" muddled clarity "

---

you see how everyone is a familiar stranger. we smile and preen, shine and delve. say our hellos and are on our way. family, friends, and others. in the end we're all just as alone as we are together. and how to feel, act, or react to such a thought.

it's as if there are two trees representative of my strength, grounded, solid, and stretching out into the universe. it's as if there is a vast open sky with numerous possibilities. and it's as if my branches will never reach that vast sky.

amidst cosmic radiation and intergalactic clutter, there appears a lone line which cleaves the sky of possibilities in two, bringing down to earth some wisps of hope yet.

and to see what is possible, really possible, means to ride this line from the base of those trunks through those outstretched branches and into the ether. how can something so clear at all times, be so hard to grasp?

...and another day is over.

---


---

" twelve inches of snow in my heart. "

---

baystar:
it straight snowed inside of my room last night
like snowed through the screen
haha
it was weird

brose:
Your window being open made my room the world's coldest place this morning
and caused some weird, constant door-rattling action all night

baystar:
yeah?
well...sorry
that's what ------ said too

brose:
storms

baystar:
yeah
in the room
haha

brose:
So much snow

baystar:
it was so lovely though
before having to deal with it
soft fluttery billowing
beautiful

---

mars 1:


mars 2:


---

" made up moments, but moments nonetheless "

---

tiny whispered tunes echo in my ears as you strum your mandolin. a lullaby.

standing alone in the shower thinking of you; the tiny waterdropfalls follow a southern route off of the crown of my hair and down to my feet. i can hear sneaking in. you're smiling through the curtains.

holding my arms to my face as you yell and yell, arms flailing, and everyone is watching you as you curse at me over and over again.

holding you by the waist in the kitchen. warm sunlight pours in through tall windows. the light reflecting off of the stovetop hits a glass of cranberry juice with ice cubes and your eyes sparkle. we're baking.

resting my head on your lap and feeling your hand stroke the back of my neck. it's nearly time to go, but here we are.

watching you sit at the edge of the stairs. your eyes wandering past the walls. we're silent together for a long time. there are broken dishes on the floor.

riding the bus together to undiscovered places. the outside world is moving by is a soft lush blur. i'm holding your hand in mine. you're sleeping and i'm still falling.

---


---

" there's always a chance of rain innit? "

---

it was 58˚ out today. the skies were overcast with a broad blanket of clouds which when looked at the right angle, resembled the underside of great gray sheets being padded down and smoothed by enormous gloved hands.

i spent another interesting day in of doors, and working on "projects." well, "project." the only one that is a paying one for that matter. too busy to go on a walk. too busy to smell the damp air, to bicycle, to explore, to expand outdoors.

and just like that, the day is over and the streets are wet with the released rains this morning promised by the NPR meteorologists. they also said there are chances of snowfall from now though sunday. who knew that the weather could be so bipolar this close to spring?

time for another cup of good earth, and another night looking out at those wet streets below. tomorrow, no matter the state of weather, i have a plan to venture outside.

---


---

" fat tuesday, wednesday, and thursday "

---

your bones are weak.

your body is pudgy.

your legs are sore.

and your lungs are burning.


but,


your heart is strong.

your will is mighty.

and most of all,

your love is always true.


so what are you really worried about?


tonight's homework:

help yourself just a little bit before you help someone else.
what good are you if you're not tip top?

---

fevrier 24:


fevrier 25:


fevrier 26:


---

" i'm up, i'm up...jeez "

---

but am i really?

the weekend came and went with a full force. no time to do nothin.

today began at the stroke of 2:30, the time i awoke to a clatter outside my window.

it was the school buses come, not to drop children off, but to take them back home.

such is the deepness of dreams, to capture your body and mind in the thick of slumber.

---

fevrier 20:


fevrier 21:


fevrier 22:


fevrier 23:


---

" you are my profiterole "

---

i've been having crazy dreams for the past few days, all of which end up with a sense of immediacy. the one from last night involved crazy hieroglyphic indian blossoming elephant roses and other gothic blooming things.

i usually go to bed at around 3-4am in the morning, it's just how the night turns out. but ever since having these vivid dreams, i've been waking up at around 7-8am.

my brain hurts. my body is angry at me. my eyes hurt funny.

but my mind is racing.

somehow these dreams are telling me to engage the day and get to work. whether it's actual work work or photo work, or internet work is almost besides the point.

the point is to get up, get out into the world, and do your thing.

or you know, stay in bed and sleep the day away, blissfully unaware.

---

fevrier 18:


fevrier 19:


---

" every day now, a new thing "

---

dear bay at 5:41pm,

things is getting rough now. the lack of money, the lack of a foreseeable innate employ, the lack of motivation, of hope, of love, of a great many things.

but the winter is nearing its end soon. and you will start a regimen to benefit yourself for your own good, won't you? it's not enough to sit at home and mope and worry without action. it's no good to wish and want, to believe and dream, without the steps to better yourself and your life.

i know you want to do your own work, to prosper in it. i know you want to travel, close and far, far and wide. i know you want a place to set free this bound collected love. to photograph and to create. i know you want to taste and feel and rant and run and fly and explore.

it's all within reach in every day.

and it's all up to you. no one can do it for you.

no one will do it for you.

resignedly yours,

yourself at 5:52pm this evening

---


---

" what are you doing with your life? "

---

and the answer is, "i don't knoooooow!!"

god! i know all the advice is great, sound, good advice, but jimminy cricket, i don't know.

who does?

---

okay okay okay, i do know.

but isn't there a way that i can pursue a life of photography & art or something interesting, and balance it all out with a little commercialness on the side?

like in great expectations, but without the test of mettle as a youngster. i suppose since i didn't save a criminal or escapee, that road will never manifest.

but, if there are any kind-hearted ex-cons looking to fulfill the dreams of a creative someone, hit me up. there's beauty to be shared and seen.

---


---

" the golden hour "

---

shining sun.
profane ashamed earth.

met at the horizon this afternoon. had talks.
made cases, made arguments, made concessions, made treaties.

made up.
made out.

the sun and the earth, making out.
making love.

---


---

" i don't hallmark holiday "

---

my valentine's day isn't regulated by any saint. my heart remains a truthful organ to itself. no one should have to heed to the pressures of societal doctrines regarding when you can show or profess or prove or state your love.

in this manner, i defy the notion that i must chose simply one of the days out of the year to "have a valentine," to "be that special someone" for someone, or to love merely because of a federally-sanctioned holiday.

my love is constant and true. my love grows and flourishes beyond these bounds. my love duplicates and multiplies, and extends its wide embrace towards all who would encounter it, and yet, does it have a place to rest in this day?

we have had times, both delightful and horrendous, and we push through despite barriers of sadness and grief. the imminent death of my houseplants parallel the state of hope for one of my loves which remains at odds with itself; there is no one day for my love. and even though my love is at present a question mark with an indefinite destination, it remains aloft and ever-resilient.

tonight's homework:

make a little cake and share it with someone you care about. give someone a hug. tell someone they are your valentine or that you are theirs, not because of the day, but because you mean it.

---


---

" a sheep in wolf's clothing "

---

lots of thoughts about the dual nature of things lately. the surface and the substance. the façade, and the interior.

how sometimes you happen to see things, objects and situations at their worst, when in reality, it could be that which you most desired all along. give it a chance, give them a chance. reciprocity and a shared moment.

rose-tinted spectacles and all that. it's the beauty beneath the surface of it all; the flickering and waning hope that you latch on to, in order to remain optimistic amidst all of the white noise.

---


---

" darwin's birthday and the fashion world "

----

it's darwin's birthday today, and no matter how you feel about that, you're probably not as fashionable as you thought you were. or maybe you were, and never saw the correlation between the theory of evolution and your personal style before.

tonight i remembered that in the eyes of the true fashion elite, i look like a caterer with a camera. i usually like to remain pseudo anonymous at my photo gigs. you know, to get nice shots of people in their element. candids, conversations as ease, laughter, interactivity in a "natural state of being."

now i wear black on black to most gigs, so as to not overpower the guests, and also to retain some semblance of formality. tonight at the museum, there was an opening party for and exhibit on the fashion design and pioneer known as Valentina. it is going to be a beautiful elegant scintillating exhibit replete with gorgeous dresses and beautiful designs as a start. and now you see how the very nature of the exhibit reflects on the sort of crown that was there tonight.

it's hard to think of yourself as having a particular style next to people who live and are immersed within the fashion world. this "real world" that they inhabit looks down from mt. vesuvius, from mt. everest, from mt. olympus of fashion, and scoffs at the mere thought that you could have possibly put that or those on today. it's rather telling of how much you have nothing in common with the real world, but more importantly sort of solidifies that you have no style at all, merely a wisp of an inkling of how even to cloth yourself properly. it was a time.

as an example, i asked a woman if i could take her photograph for the museum, and she asked me who i was working for. i replied "i'm working for the museum. this museum. for the opening of this exhibit." she replied with a defiant humph and said,"HAH!" then she slowly like a regal peacock in no hurry, plumage aglow and shining her shiny sheen, walked away with no hint of regret or remorse. i was too fascinated and amused to follow.

and even though i know it's merely clothing, and not merely clothing, to know that it's just a little part of fashion, and the whole entirety of fashion, means that as down as i was about being just another black on black person there, at least i had the pleasure of photographing some of the night's most prime examples of a world that i may not inhabit now, but could always engage and encounter with.

so in closing, it's never enough to know the theory of evolution, if you're not going to be well dressed enough to encounter the outcome of it. or is it enough the just have recognized that the evolutin of a certain slice of society has reach such a high level, that it's not even a viable option to comment or criticize? perhaps it's so far beyond even, that i cannot rightly tell if it's silly or fashion forward. i know i can tell you though, that whatever it is, it's amazing to behold in person and up close.

it's not a closed house, if you can find your way through the back door. come find me in the garden, i'll let you in.

---


amazing and beautiful bonus shot:


---

" 700th post. should i get a cake? "

---

today i ran some errands on my bike. of course that was after i realized that my front tire was flat...again! is it too much to ask that a bike just be functional when you need it to be?

i walked it over to the bike shop about 20 mins away, and it was fixed in another 20 mins. apparently my bike has all these unusual quirks that make it a spectacle for anyone working on it to behold.

maybe there's a magical unicorn lodged in the universal gear hub, and its causing all of these minor annoyances. but probably not.

in any case, i did realize one thing today: the human body is a fickle machine. try as you might, it's increasingly difficult to maintain not only a bicycle, but our own bodies. they're so soft and vulnerable, inside and out.

i barely rode to my next destination (the brooklyn central library to pick up tax forms), when i felt a pinch of a wheeze in my chest. then came the gradual i-didn't-stretch-out-my-calves-at-all dull pain on the way to get some recycling bags 99¢ store. then the full body sweat-and-hurty motions when i tried to deposit some fundage at the ole WAMU-just-kidding-we're-CHASE-now!

the good news is i finally got back on the bike, and with springtime preening it's proud head, it's only a matter of time before i'm slim, trim, and back in shape. or maybe just retain a shape. either way, it was 63 degrees out today. woot!

---

fevrier 10:


fevrier 11:


---

" i miss you. it's sort of horrible. "

---

well this is it, isn't it? this is the test. of your mettle, of your worth, of your character.

it's the test of your perseverance, of your resolve, and of your passions. how much will you want it if it becomes the toughest thing you've ever had to endure? what do you got to give?

oh it is most certainly going to be a test. a test of everything inclusive of all your skills, all of your tenacity, and fervor, and of your heart.

all of it is in the pot, and now is the time to see just how much you are invested in this life, and how much further you are able to go before the end of all things.

tonight's homework:

think about all of those things you've planned out or had a passing thought about pursuing, all of those things that point you towards a direction back to the core of all of your desires.

now let nothing get in your way of accomplishing these things. if you let me in on some of your activities, i'll loudly sounds alarms, and them know that you're coming for them.

p.s. - i've updated many of the galleries on the images section of my personal website, so check it out, and if you like it, pass it on.

---


---

" dreams "

---

i'm standing in thailand and there are skytrains all around me. it's a surprisingly cool day in the bustling capitol of bangkok. i can smell delicious street foods on a wafting breeze, children's laughter mixes in with the barking of dogs, and the constant bleating of taxi cars double and triples in volume and i begin to drown underneath the cacophony of the mighty decibels.

it is quiet, and nighttime. there are three objects on a small nightstand in the corner near a window. under the soft amber glow of a lamp, there lies a bobby pin, a photograph, and a pad of paper. the darkness encroaches around the room and everything goes black.

---


---

" shifts in the weather shift your soul "

---

it was almost 58 degrees out in the world today at the peak of daylight. there was a rushed breeze which blew fallen leaves and trash down the street, skirting the passing cars and coming to rest in scattered piles.

i didn't have to wear my scarf, heavy hoodie, or even my wool gloves. the sky was clear, and as the sun set into the horizon, i could smell a certain waft of sweetness in the air; the coming of some subtle shift to take all of this cold away to scatter around somewhere else.

---


---