" first nyc snows for me "

---

how can i not giggle as i walk and slip down the sidewalk?; the snow gently swirling and flitting about underneath the yellow lamppost lights.



it still is amazing to me after being in thailand for so long.



snow snow snow snow snow snow snowing.



now i really need to get me some winter gear instead of layering non-water/weather-resistant clothing, in the hopes that i can eke by.



i think my neighbor saw me taking pictures of the street from my window. maybe she thinks i am creepy. i hope not, because maybe she is creepy, or not.



but trust me, this snow doesn't taste like something fresh; it tastes like chloride and vinegar.

yay winter.

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" pretend that this is your everyday at work "

---




then tell me that it's all worth the money.

---

" of ice skating on your birthday and the day after "

---

i've turned 27 yesterday.

around midday in fact, give or take 10 minutes.

we went ice skating.



so how is that? 27 years-old doesn't really feel like such a super new thing, except that it's my 27 years old. and that's interesting and nice.

in the past 4 years, i've moved from albany to thailand and back to the states, only to find myself in nyc. aside from living abroad, this has been the longest i've lived not at my house.

and living here has been great.

i've had to sort of force myself to really think about what i treasure, about what i feel is important in work, in life, in interests, and in people, and then really strive to respect those ideals by setting out to succeed. and even though cold is upon us here in the northeast, the looming winter is welcomed.

it's all about the hustle here; how to be making money without selling out, selling out without feeling guilty. taking on jobs that pay no matter how low, setting aside pride and tiredness and having hope that your talents will help you pull through.

i've been an art hanger, a truck driver's helper mover guy of event materials, a hauler, a midnighted event photographer, a data entrant, a headshot photog, and on my off-time a film festival co-director. it's been an interesting almost six months so far.

and it's in this city like none other, where i start to see that there are so many opportunities intermingling with an overwhelming swell of potential failures. so i work that much harder to not just keep afloat, but to make sure i'm always grappling onto a buoy.

it's been a fun and exciting time. i hope that this year, just like every "new" year before it, will allow me the chance to inch slowly towards what it is i am here to do.

let's keep in touch this year.

---

" it's 2007 and why is it raining? "

---



my fingers are cold.

and it's raining?

and what's up with this sun setting at 4pm thing?

all of these true things inhabit my thoughts as the new year unfurls like an ice blossom unleashed on an overcast day which has fooled me into believing that morning has arrived.

it's a new day.

things always seem that they're likely to change on new year's; as if the day that is new year's creates a clean slate for our faults and strengths to dramatically shift and flex.

we want to be better people, better moneymakers, better lovers, more happy, more awesome, more everything to the Nth degree until there is no comparison between the us's of yesteryears. basically, the new year's allows us to become these new things anew, as if the earth didn't spin and everyday was not in of itself a new year's day.

---

i've made tea.

my hands ache with cold. i'm hungry and my stomach agrees with me.

and it's a new year.

---

tonight's homework:

make a list of things about the past year that you regret, and vow to never do them again. then make a list of things you wish you had done, and set out from this point forward to see them through. it's not enough to dream and wish and hope; you have to lunge out from the prairielands like a bloodthirsty animal and bite deeply into the jugular of deliberate actions bettering yourself...figuratively speaking. go get em tiger never sounded more attainable.



happy happy new year 2007.

---

" the last night and familiar strangers "

---

she was leaning up against and turned into the jagged brick walls of a school building, her face hidden by the slight cast of a shadow from a small elevated group of lamps. from down the street you could see her small frame enveloped by a worn leather jacket filled with some insulating material, most likely goose down or wool-lined.

she was at that angle that people fall into when they do not care who is passing by or where they are along a flat exposed wall. something was the matter.

as i got closer and passed by, i thought i heard a deep laugh. she was on a mobile phone, and i thought it common of people to be lifted away into their own little social bubbles when on the phone; the world around you dissipates and everything becomes less important than that connection.

i caught a glimpse of something sparkling in the shadow of her face out of the corner of my eye, as i walked past in a fashion that conveyed i had a destination close by. but, i was in no particular rush at all.

a few steps past her along the wall i head the same sound turning into a deep brassy jutting wail. she was crying, in tears, and unwell. her tiny head was shaking into the volumes of pony-tailed curly hair, as she wiped a defeated arm across her eyes; the watered stains steaming in the night air and the stifled gulps of air jutted into the world from an inner pain.

for some reason i felt a sadness inside of me; one of those emotions that is transferred just by empathy. i felt an intense rush of potential shame in myself if i didn't go to see if i could do something for her. it was the human and humanity factor that made me stop.

but what do you do? i mean, as a stranger. complete strangers on the street walking by do not have any reason to double check on anyone in apparent emotional distress...or do we have that responsibility? are we not all in this thing together? whatever "this" is, it is shared, and i had to do something. but what?

all i could think of in the moment that wouldn't be intrusive, or creepy, or scary, or disrespectful, or any of the other things that people think about their own actions when they interact with people that they don't know, was to see if i had any tissues for her.

i found them in my bag, and walked back to her at the wall. not knowing what the protocol was, i just gently tapped her on the arm. when she turned her head towards me, i placed two folded tissues into her free hand.

the image of her full face was almost too much to bear. one of the most strikingly real moments in a long time, she looked so deeply affected. sad, but in that way where you cannot control yourself. emotions a flutter. unsure where to place your words properly. unsure what is going on and what will happen.

is it horrible of me to think that this stranger crying in the night was a beautiful thing to look at? the raw state of being when you succumb to yourself in such a way is surely one of the most beautiful things to experience. and yet, i still felt bad about even being a witness to it. because even though it was something, she was still in pain, and it was not my place to anything more.

she said thank you to me in the most heart-breaking way. the words creaked out though a cragged guttered throaty suggestion of sounds, and she immediately wiped the tears from her puffed face, leaking nose, and wobbly lips.

i placed my hand on the side of her arm for a brief moment, because it was all i could do to convey that i hoped she got through the night okay. and i hope she did. she seemed strong, just in a moment of weakness, and i did what i could.

---

tonight's homework:

we have the power to say bold statements without speaking. if you see the opportunity to help someone out, do it. if you feel the need to be that person who can aide someone in making them feel better, do it. it is in each one of us; this responsibility to take care of each other. if you see someone in need, don't pass up the opportunity to do so.

---

" on the cusp of "

---

tomorrow could be the best day of your life. well, not real life, but at least a step towards what one might consider a career.

you'll wear the shirt and tie, you'll sit down in the chair and be the best "you" you can. it'll be a chance to reinvent yourself, and you're going to do great. they'll want to hear more from you, to take you onto the team. team awesome.

there's nothing better than that feeling that you are taking control of your destiny, no matter how far the leap or small the measured increment. it's always in those moments when you have to consider that what you are doing now, might not be the best thing for you.

you have to wonder what you could potentially do, potentially accomplish, given the right inputs.

so i step forward to the line and am casting myself forward, in the hope that tomorrow will be one of those days. the ones that take you closer to yourself.

it always seems that it's the greatest idea, and at this moment, it very well could be.

---

" the importance of music "

---

soft whispers echo between digital signals. the slight audio meanderings beckon deliciously in the hollow of my ears, resounding brightly, and filling my heart deeply and away from the green-cast lights of the multiple cubicles.

it's important to note how much music, and good music, is completely necessary in daily life. in all hours, in all those moments in which i can, i attempt to always be listening to something. a melody; some beautiful fragment of creation produced and arranged and endless.

affecting and transporting, songs carry me away from distraction and closer to the inner Self that can sit and retrospect, quietly entertaining all those possibilities that might make themselves manifest in experiencing them.

and in the absence of the person that makes being in the present so wonderful and meaningful, these are some of the things i am listening to:

- gillian welch

- petra haden

- regina spektor

- sia (this site is super silly right now...)

- cat power

- M.I.A.

- rodrigo y gabriela

- britta persson

- sade

- kt tunstall

tonight's homework:

you don't have to heed my taste of the moment. you don't have to like the sort of music i like. like the music you like. play it soft, play it loud, dance in your room, in the street. run around and exist happily and sound.

rather than follow my nouveau lady artist playlist, either check out these people's work, or list out your own daily soundtrack and then bliss out and share.

---

" corporate interlude "

---

brent: I'm eating a glowing green muffin right now, by the way
me: jeebus, don't eat that
brent: it's pisachio
me: oh
brent: however you spell it. it's really, really good.
me: yum. well enjoy it because pistachios are fattening...fatty
brent: every once in a while my whole "I'll order the weirdest thing on the menu" strategy pays off
me: hah. you gotta play the game in order to win
brent: word
me: i feel fat. and squishy
brent: me too. another reason i quit drinking. I feel better when i'm in better shape
me: mm
brent: on the real. this is like the best muffin I've ever had in my life.
me: you should write a song for it. a ditty, because you love your muffin
brent: Muffin' Lovin'?
me: love muffin
brent: It could be called, "I'm Lovin' Your Muffin"
me: muffin lover
brent: and it starts out all innuendo-ie,
me: the ballad of the muffin lover
brent: but then I talk about how it's green and it tastes like pistachios. heheheheh
me: or like "pistachio muffin love on my mind."yeah...we need hobbies
brent: we have good ideas
me: let's start an ad company
brent: and when are we going to shoot my 13 second music video!?
me: soon
brent: real soon

---

" tempjobbery "

---

i'm a good little worker bee



so organized and diligent



pat my head
pat my back



a feeling so free



processing stack to stack to stack,

---

" the elements of the office " or " work? "

---

monotonous and slight, caught on the air of my hearing,

the low whispers gather in the cubicles.


they speak of odd things and odd tasks,

laden with forced laughter and jargon.


smiling without meaning,

talking without sense,

breathing yet not living.


these are the elements of the office space,

where again this morning i find myself.

---

" fall sucks "

---

now heading into the second week of fall, i realize that all of this chilly brisk weather is not at all worth the three dollars i had to pay for that coat check the other night.

in any case, coat checks should be free, because i could just as easily sit on it all night you know?

p.s.-screw snooty doormen too. in fact what do they do really? stand around looking all tough and hard, maybe "treat" a special lady to enter the place? it's a sham, and the psychological game is hardly worth the outcome.

he should hold my coat i think.

this is all. oh yeah, it's cold.

---

" witness the cooking majesty "

---

with respect to my friend adam's love of cooking and documenting, here are the latest pics of my attempt at the spanish omelette, or spanish tortilla as some call it. he also takes photos of other things, but the food ones make me hungry. hopefully mine do the same.











the answer to your question is yes, i will make this for you if you visit me.

nosh!

---

" wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee " or " the give-in "

---

okay okay okay. i know i talked a lot of digi-sass, and lookit me now.

new purchases always come with buyers regret, but here i go headlong into the fray:





i promise to be true to my other lovlies, but to make some $$$, sometimes you gotta give-in.

---

" the inevitable snapshot(s) "

---

in your photographic life, you have two options. the path of the photographer and the path of the photographed.

the balance at times has been fairly inexchangable until the advent of more digital immage capturing devices, like the one integrated into you mobile phone, webcam, coolpix, elph, blackberry, toaster, asparagus, donkey, and other readily available items as well.

in light of such seemingly unlimited access, here are some of my examples:

the "whimsical ye olde out of business novelty store" snaps -











the rabid pernicious squirrelfriend -











and for a bonus questionmark, what the hell does this mean?



tonight's homework:

take you device, whenther it be digital or otherwise, and start making some astute observations about the world around you. the reuslt can prove to be astoundingly mundane, or tediously superrifical!

---

" a tale of peach cobbler coffee crumb cake "

---

i am the master baker.







---

" i'm getting my bizake on " or " manbakeryonics "

---

there's nothing like coming home after a long arduous day of tempjobbery and post 9-5er shopping excursions at trader joe's (aka the crazy new yorker mish mash of people who don't know how to shop ever ever), and relaxing by baking.

oh yes, baking. that elegant tradition of getting flour everywhere, and toiling over a hot oven is back, and it's more super cool than ever.

in the oven right now is my first attempt at a peach cobbler coffee crumb cake. it's tough though when you have no inherent base skills in the area of baking.

i like to follow directions. i like to see the ingredients changing forms; the chemistry of it all is fascinating on those smaller levels. like fat babies giggling or loud horribly dressed couples fighting in public. the little moments of magic that make it all worth it.

...okay. just check on it.

click to see me checking in on it.

it's not done yet.

the hard thing too, is how strictly do you stick to the recipe. is it a good recipe? the best recipe? did i put too much baking power in it or not enough baking soda? when you half the amounts but forget to half the eggs, will the textural changes be that much more drastic?

these are the silent worries which flock around in my head when i'm waiting to see what delicious confectionous surprises await me.

i'm going to check on it again.

ooooh, i think it's done. it smells lovely. the peaches on top look a little dried out, but i'm sure the hidden inner peaches are still moist and sweet.the crumbs came out okay, even-sized, and have nicely browned.

i think it's a success.

---

" it feels new "

---

sometimes it feels new.

the thoughts permeate your waking hours,

like a dream memory clouding your vision.


it has the texture of summer on its feet

as the suns' bright body wanes,

as the shadows lengthen,

as spring rounds the corner

and meets you in front of the 99 cent store.


sometimes it feels new;

the echo of its meeting trails.

as you hold it tightly to your body

as you go to sleep.

---

" sweet jeebus, it's sweet home alabama "

---

i've never been to alabama, or to the southern parts of america long enough to actually get a good grasp on the vibrant cultural affectations that emanate from the southern cultural isms. so today was literally an adventure.

it's amazing what a telephone can do. you can call strangers all over the country and ask them premeditated things and they either choose to talk to you, or opt to not spend their time meandering through an almost-too-polite telephonic repartee.

i had to make calls today. many calls to alabama. many chances to let my ear-bones flutter in the sway of the southern morning corporate drawl. and why are they 99% women who are 72% sassy?

there's something about the upkeep of such things, like verifying information for records, or trying to talk your way into the confirmation of information. it's very much akin to trying to talk your way into an ice cream cone bite with a person who in all seriousness, wouldn't give anyone a bite of their ice cream cone.

it's not even a matter of flavor, and although mine is usually strawberry, you know, the kind with those ginormous hunks of strawberry that you can bite into and then your teeth get all cold and it's so delicious and when the ice cream is all creamy and non-gelatinous it's so much better, then you feel all satisfied and glad you love ice cream because i do so much, yum!

it's a matter of being able to use the "office/phone" voice to sly your way into some stranger's confidence in you. it felt weird to be able to do it so well at times.

i guess the main point is people in alabama speak in a way that makes it hard to see past the drawl of the interaction. in my head i was picturing all of these ladies in their office pant-suits with too much make up on looking to go on their 15-minute break the second they placed the hands-free mic-phone apparatus on their head but just carefully enough to not muss up their annoyingly salon-ed hairdo.

i maybe just don't have a solid frame of reference, so everything is interesting and surprising all at the same time. nothing is really boring, if you're paying attention to what the inputs are. there's too much to notice, it's a wonder i can get lost in the exercise of "work" at all.

but, i don't think that i'm cut out for an office gig in the long term. i suppose while i'm getting through it, i find that it's actually quite interesting. this is what some people are doing with their lives?

how curious.

how curious indeed.

---

" now i'm a temp? "

---

too true, too true.

it really does come down to money doesn't it? i mean, you can try to stick to your guns but in the end, it'll come back to haunt you for ever believing that you could live on your talents for long (meaning w/out proper contacts, exposure, a "name" that carries upon the winds, a solid gold resume, and experience in the specific area that you wish to pursue).

it's a rough gig.

so now i'm temping. i am a temporary human database-entrant. i am the guy in the office that asks all of the questions at different intervals throughout the day which seem annoying because i don't know what's going on at all...yet.

i am the person with the great shoes that i bought a) because i had to get nice dress/work shoes for my dress-up days/work days, and b) because you can never look less awesome with superfresh shoes.

i am the guy who didn't make a peep to anyone the first day all day long so that i could self-teach myself the extremely-complex-at-first-but-gradually-and-oddly-intuitive software program in a matter of 20 minutes.

i am the worker bee that didn't ask for a lunch break, or where the bathroom was, if there was a policy on anything at all, or even when i should go home. yes. i am that temp that didn't leave until an hour and a half after everyone and their mom left the entire floor empty, save the cleaning staff which of course had to be non-white in total.

it's the second day, and as much as i super-enjoy looking at neon pink sheets of paper and neon orange starburst post-it's all day long in a just-too-cold-to-not-wear-a-jacket office, i have to remind myself why i'm doing it.

1) because i need to dream.

2) because to fulfill some dreams you need to have cash money.

3) because sometimes a hope and fairy dust wishes are not things that help you get money.

3.5) because angel dust is not actually fairy dust.

and

4) because although i hate money, i hate not having it when i need to get equipment and film and cameras and a monitor and all of the food that i didn't eat on my lunch break which i took at 3pm.

it's a tough gig, but i'm hunkering down people. wish me luck.

---

tonight's homework:

sleep. sleep as much as you can, for as long as you can so you can shower, brush your teeth, get some breakfast, do your face things, get dressed, get on the train, get to your "job" on time, and when you sit down in front of the computer screen you're going to make visual love to all day, you won't go crazy.

ps-eye drops save you from having a contact lens pop-out. also, remember to blink.

---

" the importance of halitosis "

---



camping is a great way to see how you would do in the real world. not the real world like we don't already exist in a certain veiled sort of reality. but the one i'm talking about is the fabrication that we sort of cumudgeonly fabricate around ourselves in our perceived day-to-day everythings.



camping then becomes to us, the 80% citified dwellers/20% other, a way to experience what would happen if all of our daily conveniences were suddenly removed.

the need to build a fire, food and how to prepare it, how to take a shit in the woods.

these are interesting and important things.



this past weekend, i went camping with a few friends of mine, upstate to the taconic national park area. granted, we were not nearly in the wilds of the forest or in a cut-throat do-or-die situation, but it was raining and who wants to get wetter than need be? not i.



we camped, we tented, we cooked food and slapped sandwiches together, we hiked, brent swam in a waterfall, we made snide comments about the other campers with their stupid ass-musical choices and their dry tarp-covered frat/sorority-based boozery outbursts, we photographed, we stood near the canopy of a tree while eating breakfast in the cold morning with out makeshift dry-warm clothing wrapped tight, we slept in close quarters, we cleaned up, we stopped for snackies and silently battled with the crazy-bored teenage staff at the grand station grocery store, and we drove on home.

it was nice.



p.s.- upstate ny is kind of scary, a little eerie, sort of country, a tad boondocksilated, and completely and captivatingly charming.



tonight's homework:

get the F out of the city if you can. go! go now to the woods, to the jungle, to the badlands. go out there into the farther reaches of the farmlands and beyond the grid of the cities. it's time. free yourself and enjoy taking back the simpler pleasures in life. when you get out there, don't forget the T.P.

---