" of wrist, knee, and foot pain "

---
ouch winter, ouch.

helping a friend move in the wintertime. ouch wrist and un-gloved fingers left in the cold; exposed digits awaiting the warmth of a pocket or hand.

helping carry furnishings and boxes up the steps to the new spot. ouch knee, how you buckle under minimal weight; the cold icy touch of chilly gales seeps in through unseen entrances.

riding my bike home from not too far away. ouch foot, and the odd sensation of pain tingling within the tarsals and metatarsals curiously; with a charly horse in the calf withing sight, no distance between the start of that ride and home feels any more alleviating.

tonight's homework:

get a hot water bottle for your seat or back, and marinate at home or a friend's home while watching a guilty pleasure movie. it's cold outside.

---

janvier 28:

janvier 29:

janvier 30:

janvier 31:

fevrier 01:

---

" of salads and homework "

---

waking up in a haze of sleepyheadedness and one part curious knocking/hammering noises from outside the building. nothing really prepares you for an unsettling rousing.

got my pro account on flickr today after yeeeears of trying to select the best default 200 images available on the free account, and failing. hopefully i can get all the photos that i uploaded on FB on flickr now, where a lot more people could see them.

all of a sudden it was noon, and i settled my grumble-grumble of a stomach by making two tandem salads of butter leaf lettuce, red and yellow onions, smoked salmon, sun-dried tomatoes, a couple medium-softboiled eggs, and a balsamic vinaigrette with a little honey mustard innit.

after that, a flurry of homework, digital organization, lightroom catalog experiments, and research.

then i look out my window, and the sun has risen, peaked, and fallen. the last little hints of daylight scraping against the walls; leaning and disappearing like a drunk person falling asleep while standing, then giving in to the wonders of gravity.

as nighttime once again creeps up, the radiator spits and whistles, and i resolve to be a better photographer once again, even though i didn't shoot a frame today.

---

janvier 26:

















janvier 27:

---

" the storms of the banshees "

---

last night i had a long dream about this swap meet flea market sale that was taking place in a mansion in california. i remember that even though it was in an underground bunker basement-type place, it still felt immense and spacious, sort of like the snake pit scene in indiana jones; raiders of the lost ark, when he's trying to escape.

i remember a chocolate making machine, and how i dipped my thumb into a part of the machine where the chocolate was finished with all of the processing, and it was just mixing and churning in this small cauldron-shaped part, exposed and bubbling. i accidentally broke free a small domino-sized piece of ceramic material, and the owner of the machine/swap meet said that i owed him a million dollars cause i broke it, but i didn't and walked upstairs.

then i'm in the old albany pool building. it's dank and murky through the main offices, but i can see shafts of sunlight coming in through the tall mottled bottleglass thick windows of the mens changing room. through a small hole through the cashier's desk, i can see the gleaming blue-green waters of the pool sparkling and swaying.

and then i wake up, and i'm back here. back in the present with my body sore and the winds thrashing the windows and roof. is sounds like the storms of the banshees wailing and screeching above and all around me, and i'm not sure what i'm going to do at all today.

---

janvier 22:

janvier 23:

janvier 24:

janvier 25:

---

" going for a wander "

---

you're getting older now.

it takes more time to heal, and instead of having casual conversations with your body, you're beginning to really listen to it; your starting to hear it whisper and speak sentences.

your body always has something on its mind these days.

tonight's homework:

take a walk along a familiar path or route, then veer off to a (hopefully safe, be safe) side road, street or alley, and take the self-induced shortcut. this way through could actually end up much longer than expected, but i promise you, you'll see something that you've never seen before, and you'll forever be changed.

---

janvier 20:

janvier 21:

---

" the quiet times in between "

---

transitions are hard.

california to new york. warm temperate weather to cold. relatively allergenic state of being to sick sick sick...and then having to head to school.

it's been a rough coming back to the east coast from the west, but i have seen a light through the trees. there are many things to be done here. there's nothing like familiar faces in familiar places to comfort your doubts.

opportunities abound for work, ice cream adventures, city street meandering, public park appreciation, pastry store searching, et al.

it's been rough, these times in the in-between. the quiet times which allow us the pause to notice it all. and all of a sudden, i have a great desire to encounter it.

p.s. - i miss you california. stay awesome for me.

tonight's homework:

stay warm, find a friend, tuck in, watch a movie, flourish.

---

janvier 12:

janvier 13:

janvier 14:

janvier 15:

janvier 16:

janvier 17:

janvier 18:

janvier 19:

---

" the sun is setting in the atmosphere "

---

so here i am again. on a plane at 38,000 ft. free wi-fi is still rad.

the sun is setting behind me, and there are soft golden shafts of light dappling the rippled mountains below; their long elegant shadows dipping and swerving into the creases.

as always, the trip feels too short. time never ends up feeling like you think it will feel. i think other than the wonderful friends and new people i met, i'll miss the sir the most.

clean, fresh, beautiful, lovely air of northern california. the long draw into the lungs of the saltwater spray of the pacific ocean, a hint of port of oakland lingering, and the aftertaste of the nearby eucalyptus trees.

parents were rad. shooting a lot of awesome participants for my theis project was rad. the food was fresh and delicious. so many wondrous newly-made memories swimming and swirling inside of me, and so many things waiting for me in nyc upon arrival.

i leave my twenties behind, and head with a full force into the present. i hope that everyone has a hope that their dreams, whether old or new, will find it's place this year.

see you all when i land.

---

janvier 08:

 janvier 09:

janvier 10:

 
janvier 11:

---

" congratulations, you are now 30 years old "

---

on this day, my thirtieth birthday, i just wanted to share something with you three readers.

before i went to go work and live in thailand in 2003, i had a short-run self-published zine. i made it myself by hand, some additional articles and writing from friends, an awesome 50's-era cursive typewriter (i borrowed from my brother), and the help of copy machines at my old job.

the basic tenet was to have an outlet for expression and art that i could edit and self-publish (curiously enough, i started my blog in 2003). i believe that if i had stayed in the bay area, i would have continued crafting together the zine, and i think about doing just that off an on, in the years that have passed since then.

in any case, i wrote a list in the second issue. one that i would like to share with you all, as my reverse birthday present from me to you...and then back to myself.

it's interesting what we think of our future selves; who we are at the time...in the present, and how we think we will evolve and hopefully flourish.

i'd like to say that i've proudly accomplished most of these items, and some are yet to become. i liked rediscovering it, and i hope that it inspires you to perhaps create one of your own.

thank you to all of the people that have made these first thirty years on this planet absolutely wondrous, and here's to the next thirty.

---

- from the self-pulished zine "and each wound has the shape of your mouth," © c. bay milin, august 2003
(presented as printed/published without further editing)


a list of things i'd like to do before age 30:

- publish a photo collection in book form
- travel to iceland and stand atop a glacier
- film footage of family members in Songkhla, TH
- take a yearly portrait of people i know
- finish a feature-length cinematic work
- find out about my true origins and family past
- fall in love
- learn to shoot medium format, 4x5, and large
- shake hands with an inspiring person/celeb
- inspire someone and create the change i wish to see in this world
- make tees, buttons, stickers, and zines
- lay entangled in the arms of a lover all day long, then photograph moments
- find a job or course of work that will allow me to do what i wish creatively, and love it
- move out of my childhood home
- live for at least six months on a foreign continent, within a culture not my own
- be drunk enough to know better
- drive across the united states
- be a father
- invent something to benefit humankind
- learn what it means to be happy, then share it
- be able to allow failure to occur
- become a monk
- get tattooed
- still be able to say that it's cool to be a nerd at age 30, and believe it

---

---

" hitting your stride "

---

dear yourself

you're doing great. i know it's the in between times, and it seems at times that you're walking down the wrong path.

but i just wanted to let you know that your ideas are valid. people believe in you, and that trust and support bring you more strength and a sense of confidence that will propel you so far in this life.

so whenever you need a little boost in your everything, just remember this: you're riding the lightening of a new day, and it's not burning you. this is the time to crate that arc, and steer it to a destination of choice.

as always,

you from ten minutes ago

---

janvier 3:

janvier 4:

janvier 5:

janvier 6:

---

" a satsuma for your soul "

---

miraculous things are about to happen.

i'm shooting someone for my project every day this week, except of course on my upcoming birthday. it's sort of amazing.

for the past few years i've been really trying hard to create my own personal version of a day job. one part serious photographer creating images, one part freelance binessman, one part making it in the big city.

there's not a day that goes by where i don't thank my lucky stars that i've been able to exist in nyc for as long as i have. but at the same time, something had to give. what i feel i can deal with and put up with now, i don't believe i want to be the day-to-day in the next ten years.

so i've been slowly getting closer and closer to creating my own job. and for perhaps the first time, and through the growing success of my project (albeit in the shooting stage still), i can see that i can motivate interested parties to participate and collab with me on my interests.

it's a blessing to be trusted by someone enough that they will allow you into their world, sometimes for a day, sometimes for your entire lifetime. and i've been counting my blessings.

in one week and a day, i'll be back in nyc dreaming of cali, with many new participants shot and ready for processing. amazing things will happen if you start to be proactive and turn the dreams into action.

so like i said before, miraculous things are about to happen.

tonight's homework:

think of one solid gold reason not to pursue your dreams starting right now. oh, don't have one? good, now you're ready to kick 2010 in the shins and run towards your bright bright future.

---

---

" i remain resolute "

---

this is the year where there are immense joys.
this is the year of great smiling moments, and raucous laughter,

and beaming bright sweetness.

keep me in line, and let me know if i begin to sway or become aloof.
this is the year in which we grow as people, and move forward together.

this year i will listen to you. i will be there for you.
this is the year i will remove the sorrow from your heart.

---

---

" auld lang syne for the decade "

---

there will always be someone stronger than me.
there will always be someone smarter than me,
and brighter,
and more fit.

there will always be someone taller than me.
there will always be someone sexier than me,
and more handsome,
and more proud.

but there will never be anyone that loves you more than i do.
there will never be anyone who is more faithful,
and helpful,
and supportive.

there will never be anyone more amazing than me.
there will never be anyone that could hold you like i do,
and kiss your lips like i do,
and hold hands like i do.

there will never be another like me.
i've been alive for almost three decades now, and i'm one in a million.

catch me if you can.

happy new year/decade to us all.

---

decembre 29:

decembre 30:

decembre 31:

---

" someone to believe in "

---

there's nothing quite as empowering as someone believing in you. believing in your everything; your ability, your sense of grace, your heart.

that belief helps to set aside fears, and gives you the courage to push forward through unfathomable obstacles.

the sense of strength which envelops your soul, the brief moments of feeling whole, and cared for, and then being able to care for someone else, all stems from those same instances.

if you believe in someone, tell them. it will make them stronger and better human beings, and it will help them to be bold and courageous.

we all need someone to believe in, and for someone to believe in us.

---

decembre 25:

decembre 26:

decembre 27:

decembre 28:

---

" merry little xmas "

---

it's xmas eve, and all through the city,

all creatures are stirring, and everyone is busy.

not a stocking hung, no fireplace, no care,

but the happiness of being home,

is everywhere.

---

decembre 20:

decembre 21:

decembre 22:

decembre 23:

decembre 24:

---

" california smells terrific! "

---

all i'm saying is that i woke up to a sunny morning, i had a breakfast of fresh fruits and juices, then ran some errands with my moms...and i can totally see why one would move back to california.

the air smells right; slightly pacific ocean salt-laden with a hint of port of oakland lingering soon thereafter. BART trains sound right. food here tastes fresher. people are so so so nice, aaand genuinely so.

i talked with my dad about photography for a while this afternoon (after he cooked me up some bangin' pad thai that tasted correct!!), and then we sort of collaborated on an experimental HDR panorama, which turned out amazing! not perfect, but i think it's a great starting point. we sorta make the best team when we're on point. to be explored...

can the hometown do no wrong? perhaps one night and one day into this vacay is too early to tell, but so far, i'm riding.

---

 
---

" sort of amazing "

---

if you were sitting next to me right now, you'd either be a fellow passenger on a flight, or a really cold and deathproof bird above indiana.

in short, free wi-fi on a plane is nothing short of a curious and confusingly amazing service, now being provided for free from google, on virgin america flights, through january 15th.

i guess that it's indicative of how short-lived amazing things are in our tech-obcessed fast-paced society, that mere moments after writing that last sentence, i've already shifted from wide-eyed and elated, to unimpressed and uninterested.

but okay, now im actually registering that i'm sitting in the atmosphere, and i'm sort of reeling with the feeling don't stop, continue.

---

i'm on a flight back home to california for the holidays. like normal people do. haha.

it's the first time home in over a year, and a trip which i've made only a few times since moving back to the states, then moving to new york.

the first semester of my graduate program at SVA is over, and last night, my fellow classmates and colleagues tied one on at Old Town, because the heartland brewery was being a discriminating biatch to our merry group of international U.N.-like photographers.

so headed home for a bit. to rest, to sleep, perchance to shoot some more. not really sure of the ultimate goal of the trip is, but to pause and reflect.

tonight's homework:

take a few minutes to write down a list in two columns. on the first list, write all the ways you are a good person. on the other list, write those attributes that you could work on...your failings...your weaknesses. when you have about ten on either list, make a decision to try to change yourself for the better, and get all of the second lists items eliminated, while simultaneously adding ten more to the first list.

you're doing great, and i believe in you.

---

decembre 15:

decembre 16:

decembre 17:

decembre 18:

---

" cold hands, warm heart "

---

i remember a time when i would sleep a lot. over 8 hours here, perhaps an 11-hour dream took me away there. the sumptuousness of imagery flexing and breathing within my head, beckoning me to stay with fluttered eyelashes.

as of late, i've been slowly feeling my body getting weaker and weaker as my enjoyed hours of sleep continue to ebb and decrease. i feel my musculature begin to ache and grow stiffer in the thin icy air of my bedroom in the mornings. there's too much work, too many moments filled with tasks, too much, too much.

but what quality of work, and what amazing opportunities i seem to have set out before me. it's so curious that the activities you love to do, could be directly contributing to the deterioration of your body.

there is rarely a respite from the encroaching sleepiness and the feeling that my health is waning. but in the reclaiming of a good night's sleep, there's hope.

upon the edges of sunsets and mid twilight times, i start to feel a surge of energy that i will get all the tasks done, and have a deep and amazing sleep.

the pixie-dust will put me down and under their spells. the synapses will fire and slowly through a blurred darkness, flashes of color and light will manifest, creating that beautiful escape.

tonight's homework:

drink a lovely cup of hot tea with honey and ginger. take a few moments to think about what you really love, and what you love to do. think about the people in your life that you love, and that love you. think about all of these things and people while you brush your teeth.

right before you swish and spit, but before you turn out the bathroom light, make yourself a promise to remain true to these things, and to these people with a full strength. solidify to yourself to be respectful, honest and open.

by the time you are slipping from this waking world to the dreamworld, know that you're doing great, and when you wake up, the world will have changed for the better.

---

decembre 12:

decembre 13:

decembre 14:

---

" dear nyc, i flip you the bird and still want a hug "

---

eleven days into december, and still no snow.

windy ole wind and the cold sans fluff is very boring. aand it's just crummy and miserable.

so dear new york,

i'm leaving your good wintry graces for the holidays, and i shall see you in the new year. so i'll be back. don't worry.

i'll be back, and a year older. we can frolic and i'll go ice skating. i'll make spicy spiked hot cocoa and walk though your windy ways.

i'll eat doughnut plant & sugar sweet sunshine bakery in your lower east side. it'll happen. soon and soon enough.

see you tomorrow, and don't disappoint.

yours truly through and through,

bay

---

decembre 01:

decembre 02:

decembre 03:

decembre 04:

decembre 05:

decembre 06:

decembre 07:

decembre 08:

decembre 09:

decembre 10:

decembre 11:

 ---

" it's so heavy "

---

and all at once you realize that this is your life.

it's a couple hours until the first day of the last month of this decade. it's all gone by so fast. and even faster recently, on account of my schooling.

it's sort of interesting how your life comes and goes in shifts, in tides, in strides. somehow it all meshes together, like the waning clarity in the afternoon of a winter day as it turns to nighttime at 4:00pm.

focusing so much on the technical side of the craft, that you forget about honing the eye. focusing on the eye of the craft so much, that you forget about backing up data. focusing on researching on how best to backup the data so much, that you for get to eat.

it's full of crazy, and yet here i am. on the cusp of the beginning of the end of a beginning.

it's not enough to keep reading about it. it's not enough to keep mulling over the thought of it. it's not enough to ponder it, or doubt the process of it.

the eternal and inescapable quality of its potential to exist, is enough to meet it at the crossroads of the path, and see what it can teach you. you can trade your time or your soul for that sweet sweet image, and it'll forever haunt you, or take care of you.

how cryptic then, is this vocation? how can you choose to pursue these moments when they remain so elusive? and how can i not at least attempt to be truthful to the process, when i know there are so many riches therein?

who needs a drink?

tonight's homework:

look, look, look.
shoot, shoot, shoot.
backup, backup, backup.
edit, edit, edit.
archive, archive, archive.

eats something, drink something, then smile.

you're amazing.

---

novembre 22:

novembre 23:

novembre 24:

novembre 25:

novembre 26:

novembre 27:

novembre 28:

novembre 29:

novembre 30:

---

" time's is rough and tough like leather "

---

i cleaned my room today. you'd think that if you had just one room where most of your belongings were, that it'd be easier to keep the level of organization under control. but you'd be wrong.

it takes a significant amount of active daily organization tasks to upkeep a room.

where should i put the main elements of the room? bed, desk, shelves, clothing, camera equipment, books, magazines and newspapers? it can go from tidy to musseded up to damn near unlivable in a matter of days.

i almost had a stress attack updating my finances and paper receipts. where to placed the folded shirts, and in what order; frequency of wearing, or by color then frequency? i pretty much spent a few hours going through it all, and making slight changes here, and sweeping changes there.

and a new surge protector for all thing electrical, because it has started to look like snakes are having a battle underneath my desk area.

i suggest that if you have the time, health, and snacks in between, to make an attempt to pretty up your own personal space. it sort of totally makes a difference.

---

novembre 18:

novembre 19:

novembre 20:

novembre 21:

---

" huzzah "

---

the american justice system always seemed so enthralling to me. my mom was a court interpreter for many years in california. she would take me to with her to work when she couldn't find someone to take care of me for the afternoon, and even though it was a place of formality, i was nevertheless interested int he proceedings.

i would watch justice television programs with my mom on a fairly regular basis. l.a. law featured prominently in our viewing schedule, and because she loved the process of the justice system, i in turn loved it as well.

a few weeks ago, i got a summons to show in court for the crime/misdemeanor or being in prospect park after hours. i felt that i had filled a quota for the young patrol officers of the night, and went home filled with mixed emotions on the subject.

was i to be blanketed underneath the same laws as ruffians, park rapists, and characters with weapons? was it the mere presence in the park after hours that promts the police to hand out tickets? i mean, the answer is always yes, because the police have a job to do, but in that (one-way) interaction, i felt as if there was no leeway for understanding; there was no empathy.

did it matter then, that i was riding my bicycle in the park because the paths are relatively lit, there are no cars (hence less danger of getting hit), or that i was riding with a friend to double our chances of safety? did it matter that i was 3 minutes from home? did it matter that i had my safety lights on?

apparently it didn't matter, and i still got a summons.

but today, i went in for the summons, and received the following printout from the court after waiting for about 30 minutes for the proceedings to begin:

and what does this mean?

is it justice that i didn't get a fine? it seems, in all respect to the police enforcement and legal prosecution systems, that not only did i not get a fine (the language they used was that their records were defective, so the dismissed the case), but the officers neglected to even file the summons to their precinct.

i've learned my lesson, but what happened here? why was there no follow through on their part, after such a fuss over what i thought was nothing?

why stop us at all?

i should feel victorious over a misunderstanding of sorts, but am left sort of unconvinced about the validity of the entire matter.

 ---

novembre 15:

novembre 16:

novembre 17:

---

" i'm close to being "

---

wake up at 6:ooam to the intense unregulated heat from the radiator spitting and hissing below. attempt to go back to sleep after removing the covers a little bit.

wake up at once again at 8:00am to my alarm. do a little stretching. climb down ladder of my bed to the floor, which is cold to the touch even through thin woven rugs.

check and double-check camera equipment and accessories for shoot.

body and lenses? check.
batteries charged? check.
shotlist? check.
tripod, lightstand, lightstand? check x 3.
optimism? checkity check.

dress, close the doors, get down to the street and realize/remember that the trains is messed uuuup (again).

buy an everything bagel with lox cream cheese.

take the F-train "shuttle bus" from bartel-pritchard square to jay street, 30 minutes.

take the A from jay to hoyt-schemerhorn.

take the G from hoyt-schemerhorn to nostrand.

take second G to metropolitan ave.

walk to subject 2's house. meet up with subject two.

meet up with subject 1 at subject 2's house.

start cleaning and setting up.

shoot subject one, which goes awesomely.

subject 1 leaves.

a little break to download files to computer.

shoot subject 2, which also goes well.

breakdown setup while downloading second set.

eat dinner at wild ginger with subject 2.

take the L-train to metropolitan.

take the G to nostrand.

take the A to jay.

take the F-train shuttle bus back home.

marinate in all of the menial tasks left to do tonight.

blog, and post.

i'm very close to completion.

---

novembre 11:

novembre 12:

novembre 13:

novembre 14:

---

" the cutest baby ever smiled at me "

----

i was walking around the 20's off of 6th ave today, swimming in my thoughts. my body veered and swerved through the crowded sidewalks like so much wind through the forest.

my eyes looked onward and past all of the blurred heavy-coated shapes, and only the destination was forefront.

then i turned a corner, and there was a woman, most obviously a caregiver, carting around two young children in a double stroller. these children sat side-by-side and were engaged in the sort of sharing conversation toddlers might do.

right when i reached them and our paths met, this tiny curly-haired beautiful rosy-cheeked fresh little bubbly baby girl looked up at me. she saw right through me, and smiled the sort of smile that you wish to receive in every moment, in every reaction, always.

we locked eyes and her tiny head swiveled, tilted, and panned around to meet my momentary gaze for as long as we could hold contact. and when both of us were out of range, she slowly repositioned, as if she knew that she had made my entire day.

she looked right through me, and smiled a beaming, glowing, wondrous smile which extended my elation and happiness well and beyond our brief moment.

---

novembre 06:

novembre 07:

novembre 08:

novembre 09:

novembre 10:

---

" a piece of yourself "

---

goodbye old friend. we shall never meet again.

the old photograph of half-smile; the original photo. you turned 16 in that picture, and your hair was crooked.

after so many years together, who have we become? does it show that we are different people? are we better people now than we were then?

have we loved to the best of our ability? have we engaged, worked hard, treated others kindly? are we happier now?

your weight is not 152 lbs. anymore. your eyes are less powerful. your face less smooth and youthful.

but you're still important to me, and i will miss you.

take care.

---

---

" a blustery boo "

---

it's 5:06pm.
it's dark outside already.
it's 48°F.

boo.

---

---

" of speedos and waterslide parks "

---

had a very strange dream where i was taking a bunch of kids to a waterslide park. i was there to make sure they were safe and having fun. the rides looked great; roller coastery rides with cascading waterfalls, the boat ride thing that can fit 50 people and then it spins around and around and upside down, and an all encompassing shallow play area with fountains and inflatable flotation devices.

throughout the whole dream it was turning sunset. the sky was a deep amber and hints of pinks and purples were just visible along the edges of some clouds, just as if they were cotton candy stretched out and dipped in some sugary concoction.

old friends that recognized me came up to greet me, say hello and oh how long has it been that's great well see you later, but i didn't recognize them. a friend of mine that just got married sidled up to me on the path i was walking on, and was smiling a smile of recognition.

i had to yell to a kid not to splash water on the other kids or tease them, and i believe he understood me. my friend told me how he was really happy that i attended his wedding and that it had meant a lot to him. i told him that of course i was happy to come; that's what you do right?

the dream meandered on and through the park, and around that time that you can feel a dream beginning to wind down, i realized that i was wearing my speedos from when i was a kid. the ones that were an even but slightly faded navy blue, with the albany blue dolphins logo screen printed in white on the left hip. the crackling in the white suggesting that i had been swimming for so long.

i realized i had my mirrored goggles with me and that i had spent so much time talking to people, and looking after the safety of the kids, that i hadn't even had the chance to swim at all.

i went up to someone who was guarding the pool area, and he recognized me. i told him i didn't have a chance to swim, and he said that it was okay. i was there to do something, and i did it. there would be plenty of times to swim, but at least i did what i told everyone i would do.

still really wanting to at least get into the water, i thanked him and moved forward towards the edges of the pool. i could hear the water lapping against the shallowed gutters which ran along the circumference of the park.

and then i woke up.

and then my alarm clock went off.

and i was awake again, filled completely with the desire to swim.

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" cooking to cope "

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gaaah technology!

i stayed up late to perfect my midterm for class. like you do when you have a lot of time to do projects, but life and other schoolwork get in the way and you get overwhelmed, then put things off intermittantly until the proverbial last minute.

i went to bed around 4am thinking that a large zip file i was FTPing to the school server would make it the second half on it's own. with 2.8 hours to go on the upload, i decided that i had waited the initial 2.3 hours already, and everything would work out.

but no. i woke up after a night filled with anxiety dreams and climbed down my ladder to find...that not only did the upload fail, but that it had failed with around a hour left to go.

boo technology, boo.

so how to you recover? try sending it again in the hopes that it'll be speedier this time (which is isn't. in fact it's slower!), and that it'll get "in" on time. i'mma head into the city in a couple just to see if i can beat the internet by uploading more direct to the server.

so to regain control of my feelings of doubt and chaos, i made the breakfast that oddly enough, i've made almost every day for the past week or so:

1. hot cup of yogi chai rooibus tea with honey.

2. salad of fresh butter lettuce, green beans, sliced red onions, and tunafish with a DIY vinaigrette involving olive oil, apple cider vinegar, salt, black pepper, and honey mustard.

3. a two-egg omelet with sauteed garlic, onions, and mushrooms with garam masala, cumin, and some ole bragg's for umami, all over a bed of steamed jasmine hom mali rice.

as i sit here and start on the salad, watching feverishly as the water of this digital trickling water boils, i can see that my day has been slightly, ever so slightly reclaimed.

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" daylight savings and other things at 3/2am "

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- homework and midterms for miles and miles.
- the testing, the looking.
- how my eyes are getting stronger or weaker.
- what time is it, and will i be late for anything?

- my hair is really soft right now.
- there are a lot of papers on my desk.
- there are a lot of wires and glowing blue lights on my desk.
- there are tiny dustballs and napkins and other things on my desk.
- my desk is a large wooden behemoth.

- a hug would be nice.
- the bbc-world service is sorta rad...or is it the accents?
- my feet are cold.
- i ate a lot of salmon today, and i'm still hungry.
- i make a mean PB&J.

- this is my 801st blog post.
- maybe i should celebrate with a slice of cake.
- and many miles to go before i sleep.

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octobre 27:

octobre 28:

octobre 29:

octobre 30:

octobre 31:

novembre 01:

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" of ebb and flow "

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the mother of a childhood friend has passed away.

how many times had their lives crossed my mind in the years since we moved apart from one another? how many past moments did we share together? did we laugh together, cry together; how many times did we hug or hold each other?

i'm reaching an age where the convergence of the idyllic dreams of adolescence, and the very real-world realities of ever-present adulthood are most definitely meshing. there are times when i feel that my life is passing me by, and i only at certain times access it fully.

most times, i feel as if i do know what i want of my own life, but then realize that it's such a multi-platformed climb up through the obstacles of how everything seems to manifest.

there are no magic powders. there are no small doors leading to a world of mystery. there are no more conversations left between certain people, no more words, and no matter how hard we love them, none of them will stay forever.

so then, being honest with this time we do have left is a thought. using every moment we have before us, to create a sense of wonder, a sense of the infinite, is always a vibrant reminder. if this time is to be of a finite manner, then i choose to make the most of it.

to my old friends and their mother, i hope that they knew that even though we were so far apart, they did pass through my my heart's mind often, and that they were and still are loved.

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" bay gets a summons for riding his bike in the park after dark "

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sorta b.s. and they know it.

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" photo expo aftermath "

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every year since i've lived in new york, i've tried to make myself available to attend PDN's photoplus expo. given the proper heads-up, you can register for attending the expo's main floor for free. it's probably one of the most fun expo's to attend, if you dig photography.

i love the toys aspect of it, the software and hardware presence, the free rolls of film from kodak, the free sheets of paper for epson, the pens, the magazines and gear guides, the other photonerds that also believe that they're the only one that understands what is going on.

even though it was rainy and crummy outside, the interior of the main floorspace glistened with shiny camera bodies of all sorts, and the layout of booths were all enticing in their own ways. and as always, there are too many dudes taking pics of the models at the nikon booth, too many young girls with goth-attitudes and severe stares, and too many baseball cap/photo-vest combinations.

this year, it was a special treat that i got to actually attend with a few of my fellow classmates. a couple seminars and a couple hours of roaming around with someone, really brings it home that you have similar interests with people who care about their craft.

and all at once, you have a moment where you find that you  feel as if you are heading in a direction, along a path which you've been searching for, for so long. there it is ahead of you, and it sort of beckons to you to have the courage to walk it.

click click, snap snap, ker-chick, whirrrrrr.

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octobre 22:

octobre 23:

octobre 24:

octobre 25:

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" so many things "

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so many things going on in class. so many terms and charts. so much noise deconstruction, so many discussions on chromatic aberration.

so many pages to read. so many flashing of my student ID card to get into buildings across the street from each other. so many printer, camera, and color profiles. so many nights thinking about the digital nature of color.

so many pieces of software and hardware. so many driver issues. so many bits of information floating around looking for a landing. so many opportunities to learn and be creative.

so many moments that are wonderful.

so many things.

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octobre 14:

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octobre 21:

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