Tuesday, May 31, 2005

" life is a zoo at times "


hey zoos of the world. yeah, can you do me a favor and take care of your animals? they look so sad, so not well taken care of, and just tired.

small pens with no shade and little pools of water are no way to showcase the worlds' most curious creatures. case and point: the chiang mai zoo. this dazzling example needs a little love.

sure the panda exhibit is top of the pops, with their temperature-controlled environment and soundstage, but for jeebus's sake, help out the tapirs. they need more clean and level grounds.

the giraffes might not like sharing their "african savannah" with the zebras, sickly ostriches, and sulky peacocks. and mr. elephant might enjoy something more than the provided mud puddle for him and his special friend. maybe something to play with other than his wily one-tusk? hmm? i dunno, that could be just me.

so for future reference, if you love animals, go to your local zoo, and make sure to utilize your suggestion box, cause if not, you might end up seeing the worst zoo ever. children will cry, and the "caretakers" will just keep raking in the trickling money.

roar i say, roar.


Monday, May 30, 2005

" through a northernly route "


rising up to the north,
along the upward path,

i find myself surrounded by the
most curious vegetation,

as if i've never experienced this much nature before.

the clouds pass over the expanse of the land.
i am nestled within the
cloven groove of the moutain ranges;

jungles are abound and filled with the
baited breath.

cool breezes lift up with the
downpour of collecting monsoon rains;
the sky splits open,

fresh, heavy, and raw.


Sunday, May 29, 2005

" backpacker shmackpacker "


dear neo-traveler-enthusiast hippies that refuse to wear deodorant because you and your partner thinks it kills baby seals somehow,

sometimes i think that the priority focus on tourism within the past 8 years since the economic crippling of south east asia, has had a terrible socio-cultural repercussions:

the tourism-crutch and rampant backpacker couture.

now, this of course is not to say that there weren't smelly, hippie-leaning, super non-showering, couples with dreaded-when-under-no-circumstances-their-hair-should-be-dreaded-at-all-ever hair styles, sorts of people passing through this part of asiabefore that period of time, but it all just seems so beside the point. am i wrong?

first of all, should the fact that it is a humid-tropical-weather-system-sort-of-geodynamic country give you a clue that you should at least consider a shower if not three a day? i think that it should, and that you should shower. FACT!

i believe that the drastic temperature and climate change should be a blatant clue, if not a prime reason for such personal grooming methods to shift as well.

secondly, i know i know i know that they love their newly purchased for a dollar/euro flowy pants, stringy open-buttoned hemp shirts with those easy-to-use-but-don't-for-some-dumb-ass-reason clasps, and those hill-tribe side bags that have elephants on it, but come on. fo'reals yo! the fashion itself should not be an all-encompassing uniform among the travelers of the world.

better yet, just come at the heat as would any normal person. thin cotton tops and pants that are not heat-creating. the point being: just because you see all of the other traveler's exhibiting their fine buying skills, does not mean that you automatically have to follow suit. and don't wear next to nothing at the temples, you just look disrespectful and stupid. like, really stupid. FACT!

lastly, for the purpose of this rant. wash your hair man! dreads, while holding certain theological and cultural meanings in some of the worlds major religions, does not really make sense in this country. sure hip hop has hit the streets of thailand, but these kids haven't done their history! don't encourage them, it's gross and uneccessary.

they don't even know what the hell dreads are beyond an expensive (or in the backpacker-hell tourist hot-spots, affordable) fashiony style-statement. it just ain't right, and is not really that conducive to your personal hygiene and/or your satisfaction as a "true traveler" through these parts. really, it's not chic, it's smelly. FACT!

i along with many people have noses, it's true. we just don't want to make you cry in front of your partner. or get punched in the face for speaking truths.

so, for the love of whatever you hold sacred: shower, be true to your own expression, and don't dread your hair, unless you mean it beyond the moment of hey-that-sounds-like-a-good-idea. it makes you one of "them," the many who are just shunned and spoken of behind your back.

sure we thai people are smiling at you, but unless you've done some of the required cultural research beyond your lonely planet/fromer's/travel guidebook, you're just not really learning anything. that and you look silly. unless that's how you look when you're at home...which you might, but still.

yours truly,

the ashamed for you thai guy

ps- just because you can get drunk and act like slovenly assholes and make out in public or purchase a girl of the night, doesn't mean that you should. just a clue. thanks for taking the time, even though you'll probably never change.


Saturday, May 28, 2005

" i kill the pretty boy "


he's in my mind, this demon, of all of which i am not.

i take him and all of his inherent flaws out behind the dumpsters and clock the shit out of him.

"you think that you're better than me? fuck you!"

the non-existent phantom of a weak person residing in a non-existent reality shudders and shrinks away; his ghostly hands quivering in the shadows.

i bend down to his head and whisper into his ear; a fresh cut wound drips little deltas of blood from his bruised crown down and into his left eye.

"nobody really wants to be you, or be with you. you do not exist to me. sometimes, even the best of us fall."

he whimpers and yelps as i kick his teeth out.

i leave him, this apparition of everything i am not, out behind the dumpster in my mind. along with a moment of confusion, everything disappears, and although i still am where i am, in everything, i feel a lot better.


Friday, May 27, 2005

" flicker "


it's in waking up every morning,
and realizing that in some way,
all of us are alone.

it's in going to bed every night,
and realizing that in some way,
all of us are in it together.


Thursday, May 26, 2005

" the disconnect of being somewhere else "


you take a look around. everything is familiar. everything is recognizable in that vague sense of hey-i-know-that-shape.

you can remember smells, faces, lengths of road, and the things in your life which repeat and resonate. as of late, i have been really missing everything that has to do with home home. it's beginning to wear on my present sense of stability.

a passion for photography and writing/reading is sadly not doing it for me. i've gotten so used to hosting people here and having guests, that now that the last person has returned to their life life, i am just all of a sudden devoid of inspiration. in that evolving thought, i realize that i need someone to spoil.

let's say for a second that i am magically back home next week. what the hell would i do? i'd sleep in my bed for one. i'd hang out with everyone i know that's in the area for a few weeks before they get used to the fact that "bay's back," then don't offer to buy me guiness anymore.

i'd miss thailand. i'd miss everything that i don't have. and feel like that now, so what's the right thing to do?

or is there a right thing to do? is it rather that both here and there exist and it is all about desire and focus? or is it that through letting go of everything i desire, i will come to the point where i desire nothing and everything is creamery? would then i really still be desiring to not desire anything?

life, at times, is very confusing.

and what is it that i really miss? if i could even entertain listing the things i could list here, this ramble would just be a digital listing thousands of strokes long, filled to beyond the brim with content regardless of font size or spacing.

it's not enough to merely say you're doing something; you gotta be out there doing it. i wish that i didn't feel so scatterbrained though. this momentary bout of self-doubt and uncertainty, about everything, is really depressing.

i should just go home soon, is the thought that keeps revolving in my noggin. no matter what your personal history is, there's always time to adjust yourself to gain an advantage on the outcome of the future.

i need a drink. anyone got me?


Wednesday, May 25, 2005

" all-natural "


it's only natural. i mean, if one thing is possible, then that means that inevitably, the other is true.

take the most recently watched twice for a total cost of 4 bucks in bangkok "star wars - episode III: revenge of the sith." saying that we can all agree that the first two prequels had more wood than the entire lumbar industry in lower oregon would sort of have to be a given.

but, this also has to both mean that in episode III, there would have to not only contain much wooden performances, but also be the greatest of the three prequels. aaand it is! i mean, only george lucas could ever make darth vader rad and completely camp/frankenstein in the same flick!

you gotta respect the kachunk, okay my left hand is free, then, kersnap, my right hand is free, followed by the inevitable 'i can walk dad' first steps thing, then the crappy realization dialogue then the best of all, the cool and completely laughable "noooooooooooooooooooooooo."

brilliant comes to mind. oh yeah, and funny. too bad there are no real die-hard star wars geek/nerds in bangkok all dressing up and fighting with lightsabres and sleeping out in front of the cinemegaplexes. i suppose that that niche was already taken by americans and some sad sad chubby euros.

hey, i woulda camped out in front of the Scala theatre, except that it's thailand! it;s hot here man!! and monsoon? didja remember that aspect of our geographical location? i bet you didn't. also there was absolutely no fights to get a ticket! you can even pick where you like to sit. how's that for awesome?

i mean sure, there's the whole it's-a-blockbuster-and-since-it's-big-in-america-this-means-that-we-can-market-it aspect to it all, but really, you gotta be here to believe it. the crowd, if you could call it that one, was only a few couples and some singles strong, and their reaction was akin to that of a kitten falling over. and they always turn off the credit sequence a quarter of the way through, because no one here has that amount of patience. so fun, am i right?

i guess i expected as much though. since all of the nerd mania is happening all over the other hotspots on the globe, i suppose that here in thailand, there's got to be the absolutely opposite in terms of a premiere. it's only natural.

oh yeah, and in case you forgot or cared, i sat in the 4th row because the screen is always mathematically equal to your peripheral vision from every 4th row in any theatre thoughout the entire world. don't ask me how i know, but i do.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

" time-travel versus reality, books and film, and other recorded facets of (un)attainable love "


do you ever notice how when you are reading a book, or really into something, that everything starts to remind you of it? my version as of late has been the deconstruction of time as a variable (non)linear structure, and how our relationships are fashioned within that structure.

at the moment i am reading a novel named "the time traveler's wife," by audrey niffenegger, and it is fucking awesome. the story of a couple making their relationship work across the vast endless bounds of time and time travel. it is a searingly beautifully written read, as engaging as any deeply romantic fiction, and satisfying to no ends.

in short, i am in love with the idea of being in love, across the vast endless bounds of time and perhaps time travel. if this novel weren't already optioned, i would feel a great and deep desire to be someone who brings this lovely story to the screen.

i suppose all i need now is a pocket-wormhole, but then everything is not as it is in fiction...which is the reason it is so good.

also, i have just gotten out of the theatre after seeing "the jacket." um, i have a question? can i stop crying at the movies alone? just for one day?

can i not be effected and heart-broken after seeing someone onscreen, doing anything and everything just so that a life, a love, can survive? i mean ba-jeezy von creezy is all i'm saying. you come out of something like that, and everything seems possible when it's not...or is it?

and that's my point-at-times: you have all of these people telling you that you can and will find that someone sometime. but what if you are ready now? what if you are ready now?

the piece was also sort of about time travel and love, and the things we try to do to help nurture that love across the seemingly insurmountable expanse of the (un)known universe. it's a beautiful thought, this ability to steer our lives towards an inexplicable inevitable. if only reality worked in such fantastical manners.

so life, love, the idea of a known existing love, or time, that correct time existing somewhere there, out there. it's makes for an elating world of possibility.

now get the hell out there and start to look for the signs, because love in a linear universe is just half of the picture.


Monday, May 23, 2005

" crying is for men "


you're sitting in the men's restroom and the world around your tiny cubicle of momentary comfort is full of men who are urinating, washing, grooming, coughing, and preening.

of course you have to be trying to hide your muffled whimpering; the tears streaming down your flushed cheeks. that tightness in your neck contracting uncontrollably, giving away to deep throaty inhuman, and altogether animalistic soundscapes.

it's nothing new, so why burst into tears now?

all of your pain inexplicably making an appearance at this moment? and so all-of-a-sudden.

naturally it would have to be when surrounded by strangers in a public lavatory, and of course in a location where you cannot hide this man-child sense of bawling by pretending to be having a violent bout of recurring lower intestinal disorders of the worse kind.

no, you are crying in the men's restroom and everyone knows it. how does it feel?

love never felt so far away from you at this moment. nothing was lost but unnecessary hopes. nothing was gained but apparent truths. it's no wonder the world is closing in on you.

you will feel like letting loose and screaming at the top of your lungs to be fair to your natural instincts, but realize that airport security might come to investigate why a bathroom stall is in such an emotionally unstable state.

buck up guy. you'll get through it soon, and when you do, i promise you'll be even more confused than when you entered.

promise. welcome back to reality.


Sunday, May 22, 2005

" see you soon "


dear e-----,

right now you are 3 hours from heading home. i wish you well, and hope that you had a great and fulfilling trip. please try to do the best you can with everything back home, and i'm sure that happinesses are all abound and waiting for you to claim. thank you for being there for me.

see you soon,




" home home "


there are moments that you will notice, which tend to define your entire existence. these are the ones to remember.

these are the ones that we clutch onto with all of our might and want; the fingernails scratching into the meat of it all.

you gotta find these and have the ability to recognize them as they manifest, or else how can you ever move on. move forward. move at all?

it has come to my attention in the past week that path are not so easily explainable, or safe, or simplistic in any way. this complexity we define as out lives becomes that much more curiouser and interesting as each second passes.

it is not enough to know that it was real, but to see that it is happening right now. so step up and see what you can do with the time you have left.

tonight's homework:

think of all the times you may have hurt someone that you love and call them up. apologize sincerely and do it now; there is no time to waste on grudges, uncertainty, or ill feelings. the time has come to own up and be true to the world around you.


Thursday, May 19, 2005

" i am alive, it's true "


5 things to know:

1. i am alive and i miss you

2. emilie is here and soon to go home, but is having fun although monsoons during temple watching makes for strange photo ops

3. bangkok is dirty and rainy and i love it

4. email me for my new addy to send me things

5. i am going to be here until september, then home to the bay area for 3 months, then back here, then going to work for a year, then apply to grad school, and rock the crap outta the NYC making movies/photos/life happen

6. i've thought about it, and counting is for pussies, but listing is suprisingly still in


Friday, May 13, 2005

" times change, mad things rearrange "


going back to thailand tonight.

love to everyone. thanks for the beer and company.

big up to the east bay, sf, dc, and nyc peeps.

big up albany and randomness. big up lucky pennies, street conversations, half-price books, and photography.

i'mma miss you all, so get ready for some more bay action come september when i make a reprise for the year 2005 in california.

wish me luck,