" the disconnect of being somewhere else "

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you take a look around. everything is familiar. everything is recognizable in that vague sense of hey-i-know-that-shape.

you can remember smells, faces, lengths of road, and the things in your life which repeat and resonate. as of late, i have been really missing everything that has to do with home home. it's beginning to wear on my present sense of stability.

a passion for photography and writing/reading is sadly not doing it for me. i've gotten so used to hosting people here and having guests, that now that the last person has returned to their life life, i am just all of a sudden devoid of inspiration. in that evolving thought, i realize that i need someone to spoil.

let's say for a second that i am magically back home next week. what the hell would i do? i'd sleep in my bed for one. i'd hang out with everyone i know that's in the area for a few weeks before they get used to the fact that "bay's back," then don't offer to buy me guiness anymore.

i'd miss thailand. i'd miss everything that i don't have. and feel like that now, so what's the right thing to do?

or is there a right thing to do? is it rather that both here and there exist and it is all about desire and focus? or is it that through letting go of everything i desire, i will come to the point where i desire nothing and everything is creamery? would then i really still be desiring to not desire anything?

life, at times, is very confusing.

and what is it that i really miss? if i could even entertain listing the things i could list here, this ramble would just be a digital listing thousands of strokes long, filled to beyond the brim with content regardless of font size or spacing.

it's not enough to merely say you're doing something; you gotta be out there doing it. i wish that i didn't feel so scatterbrained though. this momentary bout of self-doubt and uncertainty, about everything, is really depressing.

i should just go home soon, is the thought that keeps revolving in my noggin. no matter what your personal history is, there's always time to adjust yourself to gain an advantage on the outcome of the future.

i need a drink. anyone got me?

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