Tuesday, December 30, 2003

happy new what exactly?

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new years

a new year...the next year, possible fresh starts, and only inconstrast to the once fresh, do our faces and hopes light up so joyfully. but what the hell are we celebrating? is it the one time a year where we can claim a sense of social and personal amnesia, while making lists for change, that most will never follow. humans are creatures of convention and are almost always predictable. i mean, we sometimes surprise ourselves and each other with brash movements, bold statements, behavior, costumes, ecetera. but in all truth, what stops us from making a present change every day? every moment?

i thought that at least this year i might find some semblence of a relationship, but no. i thought that i'd find a job that i don't hate, but nope. i thought that perhaps i might be one of those persons that becomes the sought after party in a romantic summer entanglement, but no sir. and that's fine. do we create our own destiny, or is it charted out that for the number of people who are happy and showing it, there are also an equal number of depressed people and hiding it? but who can complain about reality existing how it does become true?

this new years' i plan to just try and exist in a manner more condusive to a personal happiness and the happiness of others. but is it this upcoming changeover where these once spoiled thoughts of old will now become more powerful and full of an unseen strength? one would hope so right?

up until two hours shy of the west coast midnght reverie, i will be at my work, perhaps slinging coffee to those few people who find it necessary to caffinate themselves, rather than be surrounded by friends and loved ones. i'll be somewhere inbetween. so where ever you are in the world, have a happy new years. welcome to tomorrow. what will you do this year?

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Saturday, December 27, 2003

"sooooo cold"

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- sitting herein my sub terranean room, it seems as if i should have some heating apparatus of some sort, but no. so cold. it's like being encased in a freezer. there was frost on the rims of my windows this morning, and this is the east bay area! what the hell is going on?

global warming? sure.

freak winter coldness and rainstorms? sure.

or, is it an intergalactic elemental attack by the xan-poriah ixtar system of planets, coming to over throw the earth's population and accomplish it both subtley(sp.) and patiently.

oh yes, they're all waiting just beyond the borders of the asteroid belt, biding their time so that they will not arouse suspiscion or prematurely make themselves known to the three underground shadow governments who control the earths' affairs.

is this a reality? or do i really really need a heater?

tune in, next time, same cold time, same freezing your buttocks off channel.

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"well that, my friend, was interesting"

- last night i went to the Mallard, a local brasserie of sorts, and i saw there almost all of albany's past classes, ranging from it's most recently 21-year olds, to the class of 1996, and perhaps earlier than that also. needless to say there were many a person there that were of a surprise to mine eyes, thusly i had a fine time and an emotionally confusing one as well. how was i to feel? was i getting drunk enough to care? what does this all mean? maybe nothing, maybe everything. all in all, a sound xmas i suppose, although i mistook a lump of coal for a diamond.

the end.

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Monday, December 22, 2003

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: christmas present :

walking around my living room at night, it seems that nothing is present. meaning nothing seems like it should. the lights are on the plastic tree, the room is bare and void of any christmas decorations, and yet hasn't it always been this way?

i remember when i was six or so, i tried to wait for santa clause to appear. i slept that night on the couch and just stared at the tree's softly glowing lights dim and reappear. there was a sort of lulling confort in that midnight hour that carries with it a memory.

even though the years my continue to add up, there's still that echo of that excitement in every christmas since. wherever you are or whatever your traditions, have a good one.

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Saturday, December 20, 2003

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"and you have to ask yourself if tomorrow will be any different."

the friend zone is getting really lonely. i mean, initiative aside, what the hell is going on here? do i have this big blinking neon sign on my heart that says "able to both be truthfully sincere, and completely unattractive(except when trying to describe a non-relationship sort of male friend)?"

if funny. i forget how i ever had girlfriends in the past. there seems to be this indescribable something that all of the women i am attracted to are seeking, and i have no clue at all what that is.

and in my 23rd year, it's seeming more and more apparent that nothing is changing any time soon, right? or is it? will it?

the year is drawing to another shifting, and i told myself that this year will have been my best year. even with all of the things i have done and the places i have visited, and all of the photographs i have taken, where is my chance at that elusive ism known as "some?"

maybe next year i will find that someone who thinks that i am worthy enough to take a chance on...

jeez what a sad sack of b.s. i am

i'm stopping before i get even more depressed with myself

good night all

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Thursday, December 18, 2003

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everyone's coming home for the holidays, just to turn around and leave again. what does this mean? should i get my hopes up? what do the holidays really mean then? an excuse to make short appearences in poeples' lives and then dink out to wherever else....

i suppose i only notice this phenomenae because i'm not going anywhere for the holidays and after they pass, i'll still be here.

i'm secretly planning to escape this pattern and exist somewhere else for the next 50 years. see if you can guess where, and you get a golden star.

(boof*)

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Monday, December 15, 2003

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how's this for a first line of a book?:

and since it was my every intention to someday kiss a famous person, you could imagine my surprise when i ended up being the famous one, for my photographs, and she ended up a superhero with uncharted powers of her own.

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Friday, December 12, 2003

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sometimes,

after a long sleep,

and i've layed with my arm underneath the weight of my body all night,

before the blood brings sensation back to the tips of my fingers,

i run them over my face and chest,

to remember what another persons touch

felt like.

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being sick gives you wierd dreams.

- i met greg in the parking lot of a building that changes geographical location...at one time, it was in cali, another, it was in NYC. i had to get back home so we went past this area of the building that used to be an art gallery, but now it was a hockey rink, and now we were playing ice hockey and one of these little kids scored. i traded cars with his, but his was in the dirt mounds. lickily it worked and i was on my way out of town and into a bart tunnel bridge time vortex where i ended up at SF state with becca silvers and we were going to go to her experimental art class with this proffessor that i had never talked to but i thought she taught statistics. we went up to her lockers and she had these 4 pans of various substances ranging from powders to liquids. i accidentally spilt some of this brown liquid into a pan of milk and her teacher said bravo (in the congratulatory way), because today we wee going to start to experiment with "monograms," or was it "monochromes?" in any case she started to describe to me that a monochrome was a substance that had one unique coloring quality, like coca cola or dyes or some sort of dark amber syrup. i told the profesor that was cool, but i had to go.

then i awoke from the dream and i was still sick.

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Thursday, December 11, 2003

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it's in the way your body cold sweats, and fevers, and finds a new level of ache and pain.

when you awake twenty minutes before the sun and your nose is running away from you, while your throat is winning a dryness contest with the kalahari.

when your head feels like you're drunk and all of your body's energy is focused on your internal organs.

it begins your day very craptacularly, and then the sun comes over the horizon, only to be overwhelmed by the pouring rain...

and the sad song rolls on to the rythym of the beating drops.

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Wednesday, December 10, 2003

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it starts with a dry mouth,

parched lips,

crackle crackle wake up...


you notice your throats dry and sore,

the nasal passages raw and congested,

your body aches and you cannot quite pinpoint the way your body hurts.


it might be flu,

it might be a cold,

and all you can think is dammit,

why do i have to get out of bed at all today?


where's the meds?

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Friday, December 05, 2003

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i just came home from ushering a production of "babes in toyland," at the Richmond Civic Centre. the company was six people strong, putting on an hour-long show, and coming from philly. richmond, ca tries to put on at least 3-5 free shows of a varying artistic nature, so that the people of the community have the opportunity to have a wide range of the arts on display or experienced, that they might not usually have the chance to view. there's something very important going on, and here's an example of how slowly, change is inevitable.

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you focus all of your pains

into one single moment

the tears well up in your eyes

you begin to cry and cry and cry

till there is nothing but an emptiness inside

you sigh and your eyes and face stay wet

and you walk about and never let them dry.

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Thursday, December 04, 2003

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weederman23 (10:30:37 AM): hi hi
Daffie26 (10:30:47 AM): hello hello hello
weederman23 (10:31:09 AM): howreyou?
Daffie26 (10:31:46 AM): good.
Daffie26 (10:31:49 AM): working and working
Daffie26 (10:31:56 AM): both in the homework way and in the office kind of way
Daffie26 (10:31:59 AM): how areyou?

weederman23 (10:32:27 AM): tired
Daffie26 (10:32:33 AM): why sir
weederman23 (10:32:47 AM): lrgistics
weederman23 (10:32:53 AM): legistics
Daffie26 (10:33:26 AM): logistics
Daffie26 (10:33:34 AM): ?
weederman23 (10:33:47 AM): log cabin maple syrup
weederman23 (10:34:18 AM): i don't know
Daffie26 (10:34:22 AM): what are these words you are telling me?

weederman23 (10:34:27 AM): it's the morning
weederman23 (10:34:28 AM): lol
weederman23 (10:34:32 AM): i apologize
Daffie26 (10:34:35 AM): :-)
weederman23 (10:34:43 AM): with silver dollar pannnekkokur
Daffie26 (10:34:49 AM): actually it's 1:34 in the PM. I have been up since 8am.
weederman23 (10:34:50 AM): that's pankakes in icelandic
weederman23 (10:34:54 AM): oh man
Daffie26 (10:34:54 AM): wow
Daffie26 (10:35:14 AM): so are you eating pancakes?

weederman23 (10:35:19 AM): golly i wish
Daffie26 (10:35:42 AM): so why are you telling me about pancakes?
Daffie26 (10:35:44 AM): do you want some?

weederman23 (10:35:49 AM): yes please
weederman23 (10:36:01 AM): but i think that you being in the nyc is a hard sell
Daffie26 (10:36:04 AM): i'm sure you can find some on eBay
Daffie26 (10:36:14 AM): a hard sell?
weederman23 (10:36:17 AM): or ebreakfast
Daffie26 (10:36:23 AM): YEAH!
Daffie26 (10:36:31 AM): what are you doing today?
weederman23 (10:36:34 AM): like how could you possibly promise me some pankakes over the net
weederman23 (10:36:38 AM): it's just plain wrong
weederman23 (10:36:52 AM): i am going to meet a woman in the haight district and purchase some paper
weederman23 (10:36:54 AM): photo paper
weederman23 (10:37:04 AM): i answered an ad on craigslist
Daffie26 (10:37:20 AM): a 'woman' huh?
Daffie26 (10:37:23 AM): or a WOMAN?
Daffie26 (10:37:33 AM): what does she really want from you?'
Daffie26 (10:37:39 AM): or what do you really want from her?

weederman23 (10:38:05 AM): yes, i hope so, my money, photo paper
Daffie26 (10:38:17 AM): interesting
weederman23 (10:38:17 AM): in that order per your questioning
weederman23 (10:38:19 AM): lol
Daffie26 (10:38:23 AM): very interesting
Daffie26 (10:38:35 AM): what was the last thing you ate?
weederman23 (10:39:58 AM): japanese rice, some thai style beef jerky, homemade miso soup, two bananas, a glass of n/f milk, some rice krispy treats, two twix bars, and two newcastle beers
weederman23 (10:40:04 AM): nothing this morning
weederman23 (10:40:05 AM): yet
Daffie26 (10:40:19 AM): sounds spectacular
Daffie26 (10:40:23 AM): what will you be eating today?
weederman23 (10:40:29 AM): it was in small portions
weederman23 (10:40:31 AM): hmmm
weederman23 (10:41:23 AM): i'm hoping to recreate the rice/beef dish for breakfast, but if not, i plan to put together a toasted butter croissant/cream cheese/smoked salmon combo-type breakfast sandwich
weederman23 (10:41:36 AM): that or nothing, which is becoming the norm for me
Daffie26 (10:41:37 AM): WOW
weederman23 (10:41:45 AM): wow?
Daffie26 (10:41:46 AM): i hardly ever eat breakfast
weederman23 (10:41:52 AM): me neither
Daffie26 (10:42:01 AM): it just sounds complex
weederman23 (10:42:06 AM): it's a rare dish, if you will
Daffie26 (10:42:21 AM): no, you are a rare dress! i mean dish.
weederman23 (10:42:26 AM): complex in the preparation of it, but the meal is small and inconsequential
weederman23 (10:42:31 AM): i'm a rare dress?
Daffie26 (10:42:58 AM): yes. you are burgundy.
weederman23 (10:43:02 AM): hmmm
weederman23 (10:43:06 AM): i can see that
Daffie26 (10:43:10 AM): certainly not your ordinary black dress.
weederman23 (10:43:27 AM): understood
Daffie26 (10:44:08 AM): anything exciting coming up for you?
weederman23 (10:44:25 AM): like in what way?
Daffie26 (10:44:36 AM): like
Daffie26 (10:44:44 AM): what are you looking forward to right NOW?
weederman23 (10:46:37 AM): well, getting this paper, then trying to print something fantabulous on it, seeking a different job opportunity(whether in photo or film, preferably film production of some sort though not in LA just yet), focusing on my creative abilities and coming up with a "package" or "press kit" i fyou will, of my strengths as an artist and a maker, finding work based on that, and then sucess in whatever form that deems fit
weederman23 (10:46:53 AM): that's pretty much what my mind is on right now
Daffie26 (10:47:21 AM): neat
Daffie26 (10:49:34 AM): go for the gold baybay!
Daffie26 (10:49:42 AM): get it? baby=baybay
Daffie26 (10:49:44 AM): HAHA
Daffie26 (10:49:47 AM): erm.
weederman23 (10:49:50 AM): i understand
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:49:58 AM).
weederman23 cancels request; no connection was made (10:50:03 AM).
weederman23 (10:50:21 AM): i just remembered that we had some difficulty sending eachother pics
weederman23 (10:50:24 AM): or did we?
Daffie26 (10:50:30 AM): are you doing anything exciting this winter?
Daffie26 (10:50:41 AM): i'm at work, so I'd have to demand you filter what you send me
weederman23 (10:50:51 AM): nothing exciting
weederman23 (10:51:01 AM): trying to round up people to take photos of
weederman23 (10:51:08 AM): everyone seems to be busy though
weederman23 (10:51:15 AM): it's a tough gig
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:51:16 AM).
Daffie26 ignores request; no connection was made (10:51:17 AM).
weederman23 wants to directly connect (10:51:20 AM).
Daffie26 is now directly connected (10:51:26 AM).

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Wednesday, December 03, 2003

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"the converse"

and you begin to realize that nearing to the end of the night, you've had a shit day.

you wake up too early, moments before ther alarm buzzes. you go to work late because of rain and traffic and lazy musculature. there are crazy people who demand unruly things from you and walk into the kitchen asking if you're going to come out soon. what the hell are you doing here??? there are moments when you realize that the sun is setting in the sky, and you've seen it rising. there's something about seeing both the sun rise and set that just doesn't do it for me.

whatever happened to you today, i hope that you ate something and did at least one thing that was bebeficial to maintaining your sanity.

blatz*

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