" the slience, the silence "

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now that i've gotten a little older, people have started to expect things of me. expect more from me. there is an idea of this ideal yet average person that just exists, with variations based on the various cultures of the world. but they all have one.

you're 30, and have a job, or at least a dream with part-time job, or going to grad school, or graduated from grad school and working on a phd. and wiser, funnier, more handsome now that there are single strands of gray and silver interlaced with your  more youthful-colored hair.

and am i any of these things? and i better for having hardships in my short and average life? have i made a lasting good impression on those that i love? have i made any difference for being in the world? will i pretend like i'm not affected by the things that hurt me, for fear of not being empathetic to real collective human pains?

and these attributes of the average man seems sullied by reality. it seems unattainable; just as unattainable as the ideal man - that glorious tall dark handsome virile successful bastard that gloats and preens and becomes a golden version of what a man is.

that lie. that false apparition. and is there any comfort in the fact that it is not you, and you are not it?

the silence in the air expands as she speaks, and then i can't feel anything anymore.

my artwork, by sorrows, my pains, my hungers, my aspirations, my good deeds, my heart, my everything. it goes dark.

they all grow dark for a moment, like an eclipse slowly caressing the light from out of your ability to see anything at all.

and now 30 seems too old to make something happen in your favor, and too young to give up. all of a sudden i want so much more, both from my self and the universe at large, and is there any harm in wanting more?

what does one do, when you're now the one that needs guidance?


tonight's homework:

do one good and real thing that will bring one person an overwhelming feeling of elation and joy. bring a light into the dark of someone who doesn't know they needed illumination.

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