---
what is this?
each other day i have a really optimistic seemingly great day, and the next day is a cold low-down booyah experience. i feel like i'm riding this tidal schedule that continues to wash over me and i have no control over them.
other than that, i'm good.
nothing like creating.
---
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Saturday, January 24, 2004
the death of helmut newton
---
at 83 yeards old, helmut newton died today after losing control of his car as it left the hotel chateau marmont in LA. as an aspiring photographer who often looked to his photographs as a guide and source of technique, this loss is a ripple that will sound throughout the photographic world and beyond.
a moment please.
---
at 83 yeards old, helmut newton died today after losing control of his car as it left the hotel chateau marmont in LA. as an aspiring photographer who often looked to his photographs as a guide and source of technique, this loss is a ripple that will sound throughout the photographic world and beyond.
a moment please.
---
Sunday, January 18, 2004
"the missed understanding"
---
loki331 (1:50:52 PM): we were in your cream?
weederman23 (1:50:56 PM): d
loki331 (1:51:00 PM): tjat
weederman23 (1:51:01 PM): dream
loki331 (1:51:04 PM): that's gross, dude
weederman23 (1:51:24 PM): well you had your clothes on
weederman23 (1:51:32 PM): pervert
loki331 (1:51:47 PM): that's good
loki331 (1:51:55 PM): i like your poem
loki331 (1:52:06 PM): wanna see today's shots?
weederman23 (1:52:26 PM): yes sir
---
loki331 (1:50:52 PM): we were in your cream?
weederman23 (1:50:56 PM): d
loki331 (1:51:00 PM): tjat
weederman23 (1:51:01 PM): dream
loki331 (1:51:04 PM): that's gross, dude
weederman23 (1:51:24 PM): well you had your clothes on
weederman23 (1:51:32 PM): pervert
loki331 (1:51:47 PM): that's good
loki331 (1:51:55 PM): i like your poem
loki331 (1:52:06 PM): wanna see today's shots?
weederman23 (1:52:26 PM): yes sir
---
: seasons of change :
---
sugar maple branches
swaying in the winters' waning sunlight;
sweet boughs
drooping and bare.
a skeleton of nature.
each slender joint harbouring
a bone-white shaft
of which remains alone,
and romantic;
dreaming of warmer days
while sleeping in the
heaving snow banks.
---
sugar maple branches
swaying in the winters' waning sunlight;
sweet boughs
drooping and bare.
a skeleton of nature.
each slender joint harbouring
a bone-white shaft
of which remains alone,
and romantic;
dreaming of warmer days
while sleeping in the
heaving snow banks.
---
Friday, January 09, 2004
" i met a real-life ballerina tonight, no really "
---
: an autumn in winter :
- and there she stood, before me with such a state
of grace and normalcy; a beauty in person as the
same as upon the stage.
- like discovering a red
and vibrant tulip among a sea of daffodils, she
was there thusly exposed.
- it was only a moment, but what a moment. there
was a moment of hesitation on my part, a calm before
this storm-of-sorts.
- and my ears burned, and i was not quite myself.
---
: an autumn in winter :
- and there she stood, before me with such a state
of grace and normalcy; a beauty in person as the
same as upon the stage.
- like discovering a red
and vibrant tulip among a sea of daffodils, she
was there thusly exposed.
- it was only a moment, but what a moment. there
was a moment of hesitation on my part, a calm before
this storm-of-sorts.
- and my ears burned, and i was not quite myself.
---
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
" well, it's happened...again "
---
there i go all turning a year older and such. i'm now a rambunctious 24 years old. how should i be feeling now? perhaps elated? maybe even a bit titilated. not even close, but i see your point.
i woke up this morning just around the actual time that i was born, so i guess you could also say that i was reborne into the world as my eyes open upon the anniversary of the same action. i guess too that was a special beginning. but instead of a beautifully adorable pink bundle of baby, there awoke a stout stubble-bearded groggy bewildering sack of flesh wearing pajamas and a beanie.
quite a different act of birthing indeed.
what to do what to do today...well i started by cleaning myself up, washing some clothes, cutting my hair by way of two mirrors, and tried to start fresh as it were. it seems to have given me a small semblance of inconsequential celebratory acts. which are fun in of themselves. cause you never know what life's gonna hold for you, is the exact reason why i'm choosing to be positive today.
let's see what happens when i exit the threshold of 23, and venture into the world of 24.
hip hip hooray...
---
there i go all turning a year older and such. i'm now a rambunctious 24 years old. how should i be feeling now? perhaps elated? maybe even a bit titilated. not even close, but i see your point.
i woke up this morning just around the actual time that i was born, so i guess you could also say that i was reborne into the world as my eyes open upon the anniversary of the same action. i guess too that was a special beginning. but instead of a beautifully adorable pink bundle of baby, there awoke a stout stubble-bearded groggy bewildering sack of flesh wearing pajamas and a beanie.
quite a different act of birthing indeed.
what to do what to do today...well i started by cleaning myself up, washing some clothes, cutting my hair by way of two mirrors, and tried to start fresh as it were. it seems to have given me a small semblance of inconsequential celebratory acts. which are fun in of themselves. cause you never know what life's gonna hold for you, is the exact reason why i'm choosing to be positive today.
let's see what happens when i exit the threshold of 23, and venture into the world of 24.
hip hip hooray...
---
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
" analyze at least one thing each day, i say "
---
when did i learn how to be self-consious? was it a natural occurance of my own accord? did it just "poof," there-it-is all of a sudden? i walk around everyday trying to be the most honest representation of "me" that i can be. and i figure, i only have XX amount of years on this planet, why am i so worried about what this guy wearing this hat is going to think of me? who cares if i trip on a crack and stumble in front of a miscellaneous girl?
don't i have bigger things to accomplish? rather that fret about how i look to others, i should be fearless and provocative; striving forth with an unabashed dilegence(sp.). and where did i "flip" then? at what age? at what moment did i first become aware that i could feel shame, fear, ill-comfort, or the pain of being laughed at?
life is such a strange little trip; i wish i knew what to expect...but then again how much fun would that me? most likey none, and sure it'd be easier if everyone would just come out and say they didn't like you to your face, sorry but you're not what i'm attracted to sexually, no that's not what does it for me thanks...or whatever. this would then, become too easy of an experience.
i still cannot figure out why i am not attracting anyone that has the gall to say something to me. do i say to them that i am interested in them, and risk leaving myself unexposed and vulnerable? do i keep quiet and rant and bitch about it only in the dark when it's safe? are we all going to keep our masks on and be civil and uninteractive; never saying how we feel and never passing that thin membrane between the friend zone and a chance at a relationship? and how thin that difference is; like alice and the looking glass thin.
i'm still mad about the fact that i can get embarasses though. it's something in the slow creeping heat that envelops ones body and the white hot coals in each of your pores physically pointing out the fact that you have drawn some univited attention to yourself. i hate feeling awkward, yet i find myself inhabiting that feeling a lot.
this year that is going to change.
i wish i could know just how that would happen, or just in what moment. and again, i think this might be too much to ask. onward then...to the path ahead
---
when did i learn how to be self-consious? was it a natural occurance of my own accord? did it just "poof," there-it-is all of a sudden? i walk around everyday trying to be the most honest representation of "me" that i can be. and i figure, i only have XX amount of years on this planet, why am i so worried about what this guy wearing this hat is going to think of me? who cares if i trip on a crack and stumble in front of a miscellaneous girl?
don't i have bigger things to accomplish? rather that fret about how i look to others, i should be fearless and provocative; striving forth with an unabashed dilegence(sp.). and where did i "flip" then? at what age? at what moment did i first become aware that i could feel shame, fear, ill-comfort, or the pain of being laughed at?
life is such a strange little trip; i wish i knew what to expect...but then again how much fun would that me? most likey none, and sure it'd be easier if everyone would just come out and say they didn't like you to your face, sorry but you're not what i'm attracted to sexually, no that's not what does it for me thanks...or whatever. this would then, become too easy of an experience.
i still cannot figure out why i am not attracting anyone that has the gall to say something to me. do i say to them that i am interested in them, and risk leaving myself unexposed and vulnerable? do i keep quiet and rant and bitch about it only in the dark when it's safe? are we all going to keep our masks on and be civil and uninteractive; never saying how we feel and never passing that thin membrane between the friend zone and a chance at a relationship? and how thin that difference is; like alice and the looking glass thin.
i'm still mad about the fact that i can get embarasses though. it's something in the slow creeping heat that envelops ones body and the white hot coals in each of your pores physically pointing out the fact that you have drawn some univited attention to yourself. i hate feeling awkward, yet i find myself inhabiting that feeling a lot.
this year that is going to change.
i wish i could know just how that would happen, or just in what moment. and again, i think this might be too much to ask. onward then...to the path ahead
---
Saturday, January 03, 2004
"blaugher"
---
every moment of this day
so far
has been a scheduling disappointment
of which
i attribute to the cold.
---
every moment of this day
so far
has been a scheduling disappointment
of which
i attribute to the cold.
---
" and it begins "
---
so.
how has the past few been for you? i don't know that i felt any different; both about the "newness" of the year, or the optimism looming overhead and near. rather, i think that rain washes away all things in the bay area into my shoes, people are very busy and harder to find around this time, and body fat seems to be at a higher count.
thusly, is it enough that some time has passed and we are a bit older and fatter?
i just want this year to be a forwarding one...
on that note, i'll attach here a conversation, which i think helps to demystify the onward road...or not:
weederman23: well, how are you doing?
weederman23: like personally
weederman23: okay?
weederman23: happy?
TaurusKAT: but...i think that when i am the most sad... the most down...it is when i am the most concsious of my self....i focus too much on what i don't have, on who i'm not instead of just being and doing the things that i love to do the things that inspire me, etc
TaurusKAT: not at all cohesive but whatevr.
TaurusKAT: i'm okay.... the holidays are bittersweet
weederman23: yes
weederman23: and how
TaurusKAT: is that a question or a statement?
TaurusKAT: ; )
weederman23: statement
TaurusKAT: i think the best quality a person can have is the capacity for change
TaurusKAT: that's what i strive for this year
weederman23: it's true
TaurusKAT: not that i wanna change.
weederman23: i want to focus more too, on my pluses or positives
weederman23: well, i thing not "change"
TaurusKAT: i just want to avoid being set in my ways
weederman23: but evolve ones "self"
weederman23: yes
TaurusKAT: yep
weederman23: i miss talking to you in person
TaurusKAT: how are you going to focus on your pluses/positives?
weederman23: not that we haven't seen eachother in this past week or nothing, but i always remember talking to you being very calming and forwarding
weederman23: focus....let's see
TaurusKAT: gee thanks
weederman23: just trying to take command of the things that i love to do and trying to push myself further, to take those risks that are there, whether artistic or cinematic or social or anything that might've been a hinderence previous to this time
weederman23: something like that
TaurusKAT: sounds like a great leap
TaurusKAT: it's scary
weederman23: yeah
TaurusKAT: and sometimes a painful process
weederman23: the future can be really scary if not for that semblance of destiny manifest
weederman23: i agree
TaurusKAT: but in the end you'll be happier for it
weederman23: painful
weederman23: painful is how i could describe my personal life of last years
TaurusKAT: yeah...
weederman23: it's horrifying to realize that
weederman23: i'm scared right now
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: we are too often in search of instant gratification....a passing moment that in the long run leaves no profound impact on our lives
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: a very human constant
TaurusKAT: the key to making it --(to happiness perhaps?) is enjoying the journey to that somewhere wherever it may be
weederman23: yex
weederman23: yes
weederman23: i think that's where i'm going to try and meander alongside of this time around
weederman23: to not stray into profound disappointments
TaurusKAT: maybe not enjoying per se but embracing the ups as well as the downs
TaurusKAT: totally
weederman23: and try and work on things and situations that can bring about a "something"
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: riding out the bumps
weederman23: we should write a book
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: yeah! a self help book....we'd make millions
weederman23: so millions
---
so.
how has the past few been for you? i don't know that i felt any different; both about the "newness" of the year, or the optimism looming overhead and near. rather, i think that rain washes away all things in the bay area into my shoes, people are very busy and harder to find around this time, and body fat seems to be at a higher count.
thusly, is it enough that some time has passed and we are a bit older and fatter?
i just want this year to be a forwarding one...
on that note, i'll attach here a conversation, which i think helps to demystify the onward road...or not:
weederman23: well, how are you doing?
weederman23: like personally
weederman23: okay?
weederman23: happy?
TaurusKAT: but...i think that when i am the most sad... the most down...it is when i am the most concsious of my self....i focus too much on what i don't have, on who i'm not instead of just being and doing the things that i love to do the things that inspire me, etc
TaurusKAT: not at all cohesive but whatevr.
TaurusKAT: i'm okay.... the holidays are bittersweet
weederman23: yes
weederman23: and how
TaurusKAT: is that a question or a statement?
TaurusKAT: ; )
weederman23: statement
TaurusKAT: i think the best quality a person can have is the capacity for change
TaurusKAT: that's what i strive for this year
weederman23: it's true
TaurusKAT: not that i wanna change.
weederman23: i want to focus more too, on my pluses or positives
weederman23: well, i thing not "change"
TaurusKAT: i just want to avoid being set in my ways
weederman23: but evolve ones "self"
weederman23: yes
TaurusKAT: yep
weederman23: i miss talking to you in person
TaurusKAT: how are you going to focus on your pluses/positives?
weederman23: not that we haven't seen eachother in this past week or nothing, but i always remember talking to you being very calming and forwarding
weederman23: focus....let's see
TaurusKAT: gee thanks
weederman23: just trying to take command of the things that i love to do and trying to push myself further, to take those risks that are there, whether artistic or cinematic or social or anything that might've been a hinderence previous to this time
weederman23: something like that
TaurusKAT: sounds like a great leap
TaurusKAT: it's scary
weederman23: yeah
TaurusKAT: and sometimes a painful process
weederman23: the future can be really scary if not for that semblance of destiny manifest
weederman23: i agree
TaurusKAT: but in the end you'll be happier for it
weederman23: painful
weederman23: painful is how i could describe my personal life of last years
TaurusKAT: yeah...
weederman23: it's horrifying to realize that
weederman23: i'm scared right now
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: we are too often in search of instant gratification....a passing moment that in the long run leaves no profound impact on our lives
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: a very human constant
TaurusKAT: the key to making it --(to happiness perhaps?) is enjoying the journey to that somewhere wherever it may be
weederman23: yex
weederman23: yes
weederman23: i think that's where i'm going to try and meander alongside of this time around
weederman23: to not stray into profound disappointments
TaurusKAT: maybe not enjoying per se but embracing the ups as well as the downs
TaurusKAT: totally
weederman23: and try and work on things and situations that can bring about a "something"
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: riding out the bumps
weederman23: we should write a book
weederman23: lol
TaurusKAT: yeah! a self help book....we'd make millions
weederman23: so millions
---
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