" analyze at least one thing each day, i say "

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when did i learn how to be self-consious? was it a natural occurance of my own accord? did it just "poof," there-it-is all of a sudden? i walk around everyday trying to be the most honest representation of "me" that i can be. and i figure, i only have XX amount of years on this planet, why am i so worried about what this guy wearing this hat is going to think of me? who cares if i trip on a crack and stumble in front of a miscellaneous girl?

don't i have bigger things to accomplish? rather that fret about how i look to others, i should be fearless and provocative; striving forth with an unabashed dilegence(sp.). and where did i "flip" then? at what age? at what moment did i first become aware that i could feel shame, fear, ill-comfort, or the pain of being laughed at?

life is such a strange little trip; i wish i knew what to expect...but then again how much fun would that me? most likey none, and sure it'd be easier if everyone would just come out and say they didn't like you to your face, sorry but you're not what i'm attracted to sexually, no that's not what does it for me thanks...or whatever. this would then, become too easy of an experience.

i still cannot figure out why i am not attracting anyone that has the gall to say something to me. do i say to them that i am interested in them, and risk leaving myself unexposed and vulnerable? do i keep quiet and rant and bitch about it only in the dark when it's safe? are we all going to keep our masks on and be civil and uninteractive; never saying how we feel and never passing that thin membrane between the friend zone and a chance at a relationship? and how thin that difference is; like alice and the looking glass thin.

i'm still mad about the fact that i can get embarasses though. it's something in the slow creeping heat that envelops ones body and the white hot coals in each of your pores physically pointing out the fact that you have drawn some univited attention to yourself. i hate feeling awkward, yet i find myself inhabiting that feeling a lot.

this year that is going to change.

i wish i could know just how that would happen, or just in what moment. and again, i think this might be too much to ask. onward then...to the path ahead

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