jeezus how much more blood can i lose through my left nostril?

three days of bloody nose spurts.

i wonder how long this is going to last...



i just want someone to take care of me even though i fully capable.


sigh

***

it's funny.

nipples right?

just the name.

nipples

nip-ples

they sound so naughty.

no really.

it's kinda wierd though right?

...

or how male nipples are "whatever" and female nipples are "hello, how are YOU today?"

or how in the US, the nipple makes a female breast...

like you can show every square inch of breast flesh except the nipple.

oh no, a nipple, heavens no, surely not, i am so appaled and disgusted!

not me.

i like em personally.

and.......

scene.

still sick...

thursday: got bit on the face again by mosquitos, bit on the lower lip by a spider....yeah, i don't know how either. sipped hot tea allllllllll day at work. work! work?! yeah...

got a bloody nose at work too. i looked like i got punched by a bear.

my body aches.


screw customer service.

today: still sick, bloody nose, worked alll day, short breath, grossness consumes all chances of happiness.

don't read this if you can't handle it:

i apologize ahead of time:

i'm sick

my throat is sore, a raw wasteland, thirsty and is like a heat cauldron capable of only phlegmming up gobs of acrid yellow and orange snot lobules.

my eyes are watery and constantly sagging and tearing.

my breath is short loud shallow and painful.

my nose is raw and the skin is torn and sensitive from constant blowing with multiple sheets of nasal tissues.

a mosquito bit my face below my left eye, and it looks a stupid as it hurts, and it pains!

my body is in a constant ache which lulls throughout my frame. at night i sweat, alone and miserable, unable to reach REm until i am to wake up.

i am tired and i had to go to work today, and i have to work tomorrow, and the day after that.

what i wouldn't give for a hot bath; a soothing primordial ooze to take all these pains away.

with my body ina constant sense of misery and cold-like pains, goodnight

gub-

hot today

cold tomorrow

drink the water

hug a friend

this is the end

this is the end

this is the end

-----------

so what'd you accomplish today?

ever have those moments where you realize that you are a construct of your personal personification of what constitutes the "you" you would like to see?

it's pretty trippy.

_____________

woke up at noon again today

called brent up

he was on the road

29 miles from denver

he pulled over and pissed on the side of the highway

he talked to me on the phone the whole time

he had to stop and pretend he wasn't peeing when cars went by

he's probably there now

i'm tired

------

- an interesting observation that i have noticed recently, is the exponential increase of alcoholic consumption, post BA-graduation. not that this is necessarily a bad thing. it is maybe a sign of release, celebration with friends, a symbol of the numerous parties you are now free and privvy to attend, and yes, even perhaps you are more popular now that you don't always have an excuse to not hang out.

- the reality of this may be though, that it is not a sign of these things. perhaps it is a warning sign. the slow and sure self-severences from rational thought, maintaining equillibrium, and the harsh maintenence of bodily homeostasis. it is a crazy world out there and everything in moderation, you know?

- so if it is a celebration, then how long can this party last? it's been about 3 months since i walked the stage, and i have steadily increased the consumption of alcohol, fom sometimes to near once a day. while i see this as a pattern developing, it is also interesting to note the combination of that activity with bicycle riding, walking alot, heavy lifting, and general romping; as if these things found a balance at all. rather, i guess i will try and see where this path takes me and see when the celebration has lasted too long.

- life is funny, so laugh it up focker.

seeking, fluttering there
stable, sole beacon light crack
motion sensor me if you can.

lick skin salt deltas
falling tears on vast sheets
flowing in the dark
as a nocturnal gale upon
the dim of memories

and there we are
together

seeking eachother amidst
the dark of nights'
safe arm lengths

because neither one of us, wants to be the first to say goodbye.


single. pshaww. who gives a flying funk eh? like it's a god damn curse or something like that. please. i could care less really.

the fact that there are so many people out there in the world who are looking, should mean that in all probablility, i should have had a partner by now. but those are all of the ugly people. there, i said it. ugly. there are a million ladies and gentlemen out there, and about 87% of them are ugly.

it's not that they're physically ugly, although that could be it too, but they are emotionally tainted, crass, over-expectant, and anal-retentively selective. it;s those kinds of traits that push and smell and fester and cause disdain.

so screw that.

i enjoy having time to myself, watching old audrey hepburn movies, sitting in my room and doing nothing, talking to my shoes, painting small porcelin chickens, and buttering my shirts.

that's happiness.

what is satire and what is truth?

just saw "dirty pretty things" directed by stephen frears.

beautiful, gripping and above all played honestly. the story revolves around an african doctor turned overworked illegal immigrant insomniac and his friend/love who is an illegal turkish maid/factory worker. the pace and tone of the piece is beautifully and thoughtfully laid out and over the course of the film, we get a sense of realism that is lacking in a lot of popular films. there is a sincerity and a respect to the story which causes you as the viewer to not only sympathize with the characters, but also allow yourself to question for yourself, the nature of humanity, survival, love, and personal mores.

a high high recommendation for anyone who seeks those types of films where patience and hope hold special places in your viewing experiences.

i love this movie

last night i went to see old friends and ended up doing kegstands.

hung over alllll day long

sulfur leak at the chevron refinery near richmond...and they still will deny it?

going to be now

bleugh

what will you do today?

will you make a difference for yourself today? for others?

what can you do to change the world today?

will you change someone's life for the better?

what will you suffer if you don't?

what does asking questions do, if the actions implied behind them are not done.


today i intend to make at least one change.


what will you do?

i love her so much
this is true

genuine, delightful, enchanting, luminous

she is not corporeal anymore
she is dead and gone

lithe, beautiful, graceful, forever

i love her so much

there is only one audrey hepburn

only one, and never again

this is the love that will always exist for me

whenever i need it, whenever i need her

always and ever

the answer is tomorrow

yay

mike'll help me

itll cost a load

i'm thinking about 150 copies

yah
that

'll be saucy

night

...

so, what's the big deal with the zine???

the zine???

when's it coming out, where'll it be, when's the next one out, where, when, how, who, why?

the answers are:

soon, anyandeverywhere, soon, all ova, soon, copymatting, others and i, and because.


are you sassified?

word...

i'm growing a beard

it wouldn't be so awkward, except for the fact that i haven't seen many asian men with beards
it's not busy, or svelt, or streamlined

it is coarse, itchy, and multi-faceted in its color schema

it's also noteworthy to point out that the growth pattern is sporatic at best, which is why it's fun to watch evolve

i suppose i grow because i have no one to answer to about it,
and it gives me a chance to stroke something other than the obvious

ah well, hair, as well as nails grow without provocation from the mind

so i guess that in the end, i'll shave it sometime and it'll continue to be a part of me

that is, the hairy, coarse, itchy part of me on my face.

better there than an ass beard, cause that would suck.

yay 2:22am

night

it's really not worth it to beat myself up is it?

no, not at all

i had a long conversation with micatron last night.
it was very .....normal and deconstructive of a lot of things:
relationships, problems, social isms, and what-not.

sometimes i tend to lean strategically
what i'm actually leaning on or towards to accomplish what, i have no clue

thus begins another deconstruction of the Self

my Self

mine

all me

me


...

: the moment :

i have no one

all alone

en seul

personne

without

hollow

comforted by mermory

empty

vast

open

constant

-----------

last night's larf

- i had dreampt that ------ had gone on vacation with me. as purely friends.
all night long i couldn't get to REM properly; literally "tossing and turning."
we talked a lot last night, before she came back to my house to watch the film i made, and nothing else.

we went to Au Cocolait, and i drank an amaretto steamer.

she talked of her past relationships; the ones after me of course.
she talked of pain, rejection, the nature of being alone, depression, and a sense of revenge.

i wanted to grab her by the shoulders and scream in her ears, "see! this is exactly how you make/made me feel! and the sade thing is that even though it's your turn now, you don't even see this!"...

to not be able to recognize this delicious sense of karmatic irony.

but as a friend and someone that cares about her, i do not revel or enjoy these shared thoughts. they are normal and sharply and invadingly personal. as much as i wanted to tell her those thoughts of mine harshly, i wanted to once again pull her near to me. and to know that i don't have that access anymore is pain...but what are you to do?

and yet i could not get to sleep


is there just one day...can i have just one fucking day where she can be ugly at all?


we talked of "editing a relationship" and how when you're attracted to someone, or trying to win their favor, you tend to not see certain "truths" about someone...because it might be too painful

in my case, my "edit" was her pain and capacity to hurt me

in hers, it was going out with a coke-head.


life is messed up sometimes, usually when love is involved

apologies for descriptions
____________________

arms ache
legs ache
that special burn

oxygen lack infuse endocrine system
in effect a boom for real
of physicality

the wheels spin
the sweat slips down

gravity is funny
buses like to hit me

feet slip
crotch grab save me from

ow, ow, ow
that's fine
home soon

through the street-shaver paved hot tar slick gravel

ache and sweat and hot shower
shampoo my escape from scent

and i'm home

-reflections of freestyle bike-ride home-