last night's larf

- i had dreampt that ------ had gone on vacation with me. as purely friends.
all night long i couldn't get to REM properly; literally "tossing and turning."
we talked a lot last night, before she came back to my house to watch the film i made, and nothing else.

we went to Au Cocolait, and i drank an amaretto steamer.

she talked of her past relationships; the ones after me of course.
she talked of pain, rejection, the nature of being alone, depression, and a sense of revenge.

i wanted to grab her by the shoulders and scream in her ears, "see! this is exactly how you make/made me feel! and the sade thing is that even though it's your turn now, you don't even see this!"...

to not be able to recognize this delicious sense of karmatic irony.

but as a friend and someone that cares about her, i do not revel or enjoy these shared thoughts. they are normal and sharply and invadingly personal. as much as i wanted to tell her those thoughts of mine harshly, i wanted to once again pull her near to me. and to know that i don't have that access anymore is pain...but what are you to do?

and yet i could not get to sleep


is there just one day...can i have just one fucking day where she can be ugly at all?


we talked of "editing a relationship" and how when you're attracted to someone, or trying to win their favor, you tend to not see certain "truths" about someone...because it might be too painful

in my case, my "edit" was her pain and capacity to hurt me

in hers, it was going out with a coke-head.


life is messed up sometimes, usually when love is involved