---

and you begin to realize that nearing to the end of the night, you've had a great day.

you get stuff done, things have been accomplished and you've had good times with your friends. there's something about just having a succession of beautiful moments with people you care about, or touching base with folks you might've not seen in a few years, that puts your life in a sort of micro-perspective.

whatever happened to you last night, i hope you ended up in your bed safely and happily.

poofy*

---

: ancient lovers on the coasts:


a raging swell which

above all is intimacy

sets me adrift beyond the borders of

all of the world

of which I know.


a deep opening that

comes manifest among

those who would hold such a jewel

close to their bodies

which lay agape

and diagonal.

-

- c. bay milin –
- 11.26.03 –

---

BESHY: everything ok
BESHY: ?
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: did you read my blog?
weederman23: i had kinda of a c- day
BESHY: not today
BESHY: but you sound like you did
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: i want so much to have good days and be positive and confident and express those feelings out into my reality
weederman23: but i regress usually to what i have not as the dominant thoughts, rather than the what-haves
weederman23: it's a frustratingly dismal process; this getting towards bliss
BESHY: hmmm
weederman23: yes.
weederman23: hmmm indeed
weederman23: i find myself thinking that i might be more fun in general to work with or alongside of, than to be with or around
weederman23: and sometimes i forget how unapealing that is to other people

---

---

:a little each day:

grin and bare it
you can take it

it cuts, twists, wrenches, binds suffocates
the inward glances
the formation of reality within unreal personal desires

i am lost
and where i am i do not know
where the exit is

there is no green sign
showing me the way out
of this theatre

and i'm all out of jujubees.

c. bay milin

---

i like feet. i won't lie. there's something about those little piglets, when all cleaned and pampered. so what if they're a tad crooked or the second toe is a smidge longer than the big toe...it's a preference, not a perversion. i like smooth, tanned, healthy feet. i like uma thurman's chubby left ring toe; i like feet walking on my back, and i love the sound of feet intermingling under sheets.

this is fact and whatever you may think, feet are hot.

this is of course discounting corns, bunions, and fools that just don't wash. cause that be nathsty yeahh.

whatever...

bay

---

---

i went to the war memorial opera house tonight; a sort of re-introduction if you will, to the hoity toity SF opera community. the production was of Don Carlos, by Verdi, the less popularly staged frech-language version.

and then there she was; the embodiment of exactly the sort of lady that just does it for me. she was but 10 feet away from me and i couldn't move or do anything or say a word. those are the moments that define my life. will you take that risk?

in fact, she looked too much like every girl that has hurt me before, and yet i ligered in the doorway and looked on. and then it became too late; the bells rang throughout the lobby, the house lights dimmed, and the moment had passed.

---

---

"nope, no clue..."

sometimes i have no clue at all

i sit and think like a stumped stump, sitting in a forest
i walk on empty paths
i run in vast expanses of nothing

and still i find no way out

still hurts? why not?

where's the manuals, where are these rules, where are these multitudes of
ladies in waiting,
waiting for a boy like me, waiting for what i have to offer, waiting
always waiting in silence?

sometimes i have no clue at all

and how just one word could change melancholy
into a bright star glowing ever.

-c. bay milin-

---

---

and all at once you find yourself wholey optimisitic. as if a bright and encompassingly overwhelming rush of gleaming light surrounds your body and exhumes all fear and frustration. it's a soul cleansing flip-of-the-switch that illuminates.

for some reason i have as of the past couple years, plagued with bouts of inner-termoil and outward false happiness. today i actually feel the same on the inside as i present on the outside. it's no change to everyone else, but the inexplicable differences are euphoric and intense.

what the hell is going on? is this what other people are feeling all the time? it's time to look ahead and do it...

bay

ps-to all the couples who make out in airport telephone stalls, get a god damn room for real!

---

---

you come home and your life starts to take on a new shape; it's reeling and readjusting to the familiar and the slight changes around.

i went back to my crap job yesterday at A CUPPA TEA, and the place was the same; the same it has and had always been, but it looked bigger. the lights were fixed, the customers different, the food still scary and the work the exact same. it is now i, who am different amongst the settings that were so normalized.

and of course this is the nature of returning back to a place where you have spent so much time; the nature of returning, the nature of coming back to and what not. so how fantastic is it to think that in light of a life-shifting journey, you could indeed make drastic positive and sweeping changes to your own existance?

i'm going to work on it, and get back to you later...

----

---

so here i am, the third leg today.

i'm waiting for my flight out of boston mass @ logan airport. this morning i got up at gentry's dad's house in oceanside, long island, NY. then caught the LIRR (long island rail road) to Penn Station, caught a cab to the budjet 10 dollar bus from chinatown NYC to chinatown BOS. then caught the orangeline from there to the blue line. since i was 4 hours before schedule...i took a leisurely train ride to Wonderland, the end-of-the-line stop on the outbound blue T. i sat there for about an hour and just luxuriated in the sun, beachside, and concluded my trip.

so here i am thus come to the airport then thusly. big up to my east coast peeps: newly moved-in petur and kali, becca my true anchor, kasia's parents the saviors in beverly mass., corrie the boston brawler ballerina, and gentry the bi-coastal theater sage ingenue. what a crazy adventure i've had. home to dallas to iceland to boston to beverly to the NYC to long island to boston to home soon...i hope everyone is doing well and i miss e'yone soooo much. anyone who can, meet me at the 'tross and i'll gang you on a game of diggity darts. peas from the east.

boom bap boom boom bap bay

----

my legs hurt something fierce; as to a sledgehammer upon the legs...

----

so yeah,

i am in th N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and
thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown
a coupla days ago. everything is so
urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.

the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a
vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people
here. i could see how daunting having a life here would
be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies
swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is
always "on."

there is something going on everywhere, and that
alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without
getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a
sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look
at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.

it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing
through your soul...

...i almost forgot what that felt like.

----

so yeah,

i am in the N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown a coupla days ago. everything is so urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.

the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people here. i could see how daunting having a life here would be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is always "on."

there is something going on everywhere, and that alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.

it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing through your soul...

...i almost forgot what that felt like.

----

----

so yeah,

i am in th N-Y-C. i love it here. i could live here and thrive. i almost had a photogasm walking in chinatown a coupla days ago. everything is so urbandecayrawcitified here and i almost am out of film.

the weather is still shify here, but the tone is filled with a vibrant frequency, and there are so many more people here. i could see how daunting having a life here would be; the rush of workers and the yellow sea of cabbies swerving and intersecting. yet at the same time it is always "on."

there is something going on everywhere, and that alone is very inspiring. i cannot walk two inches without getting that 6-year old giddy rush in my body. it's a sensation that i have searched far to pinpoint, and look at what happened when i just shift myself a tad.

it's nice to feel the poetry of every moment passing through your soul...

...i almost forgot what that felt like.

----

: i am here, here i am...:

well, i'm back. yes i am. i am here in boston, mass. it's funny you know? the way your environment shifts all of the time; the way that people look at you on the street changes with that shift; the smells, the colors, the landscapes and the textures of places.

you should see the foliage here in beverly (16 miles from boston), it's glorious unbridled, lustlfully lush, swaying in a fall dreamery spectrum afternoon, new england clear skies blissful warm comforting oceanside mellow calm.

i almost forgot where i was. being here from being there, it hits me almost three or four times a second," i am not there anymore and i can feel it." it runs through my bones and passes through my porous skin. i am here. i exist. but to a dreamed state...this is real, and i have arrived yet again at a place unfamiliar, but as real as any place. this sense of wonder is the result of a good travel.

get on your horses, we're riding.

-------