" caught off gaurd "

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you start to think about the things that really meant something in your life; those moments which define who you are, what you like, what you decide is just, and true, and fair. and you begin every day to better become the person you are.

the constant questioning of the Self, and self worth, and impact in others that you have, and the way people that you care about reflect all of those things back to you start to become so important, that you almost have lost yourself in the journey of it all.

trying to be true to my heart and physical being is always thus the same daily concern then. when am i being true to myself? when am i being all that i want to be, and am i being fair to myself? can i be selfish and introverted at will, or do i filter who i am, in the light of other?

to always be droll and malcontent in my search for a love that will define all of my as of yet non fulfilled hearts yearnings, then become an anchor and a hinderence. how can ittract anyone, especially someone that i might be good with and alongside of, if i cannot get past the biggest of barriers, which is my lack to see with open eyes? and it seems that i have been searching ever long. and when it becomes a daily thought and ritual to deconstruct one's self, that can feel like the anchor will never rise to the surface.

i suppose then, that i am being true, and i am being just me, and this becomes slowly real and honest. if i am hurt it will be seen and heard; if i am happy you will see my smile and laugh, and all of that brightness returns.

and with that last beautiful thought, i am going to stop writing and think not on the laments of ghost-happenings of the past, and start to move beyond my comfort zones; to break through again to the other side, and see who i'll evolve into next.

to discover another love in any other way would be default.

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