" auld lang syne for the decade "

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there will always be someone stronger than me.
there will always be someone smarter than me,
and brighter,
and more fit.

there will always be someone taller than me.
there will always be someone sexier than me,
and more handsome,
and more proud.

but there will never be anyone that loves you more than i do.
there will never be anyone who is more faithful,
and helpful,
and supportive.

there will never be anyone more amazing than me.
there will never be anyone that could hold you like i do,
and kiss your lips like i do,
and hold hands like i do.

there will never be another like me.
i've been alive for almost three decades now, and i'm one in a million.

catch me if you can.

happy new year/decade to us all.

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decembre 29:

decembre 30:

decembre 31:

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" someone to believe in "

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there's nothing quite as empowering as someone believing in you. believing in your everything; your ability, your sense of grace, your heart.

that belief helps to set aside fears, and gives you the courage to push forward through unfathomable obstacles.

the sense of strength which envelops your soul, the brief moments of feeling whole, and cared for, and then being able to care for someone else, all stems from those same instances.

if you believe in someone, tell them. it will make them stronger and better human beings, and it will help them to be bold and courageous.

we all need someone to believe in, and for someone to believe in us.

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decembre 25:

decembre 26:

decembre 27:

decembre 28:

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" merry little xmas "

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it's xmas eve, and all through the city,

all creatures are stirring, and everyone is busy.

not a stocking hung, no fireplace, no care,

but the happiness of being home,

is everywhere.

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decembre 20:

decembre 21:

decembre 22:

decembre 23:

decembre 24:

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" california smells terrific! "

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all i'm saying is that i woke up to a sunny morning, i had a breakfast of fresh fruits and juices, then ran some errands with my moms...and i can totally see why one would move back to california.

the air smells right; slightly pacific ocean salt-laden with a hint of port of oakland lingering soon thereafter. BART trains sound right. food here tastes fresher. people are so so so nice, aaand genuinely so.

i talked with my dad about photography for a while this afternoon (after he cooked me up some bangin' pad thai that tasted correct!!), and then we sort of collaborated on an experimental HDR panorama, which turned out amazing! not perfect, but i think it's a great starting point. we sorta make the best team when we're on point. to be explored...

can the hometown do no wrong? perhaps one night and one day into this vacay is too early to tell, but so far, i'm riding.

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" sort of amazing "

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if you were sitting next to me right now, you'd either be a fellow passenger on a flight, or a really cold and deathproof bird above indiana.

in short, free wi-fi on a plane is nothing short of a curious and confusingly amazing service, now being provided for free from google, on virgin america flights, through january 15th.

i guess that it's indicative of how short-lived amazing things are in our tech-obcessed fast-paced society, that mere moments after writing that last sentence, i've already shifted from wide-eyed and elated, to unimpressed and uninterested.

but okay, now im actually registering that i'm sitting in the atmosphere, and i'm sort of reeling with the feeling don't stop, continue.

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i'm on a flight back home to california for the holidays. like normal people do. haha.

it's the first time home in over a year, and a trip which i've made only a few times since moving back to the states, then moving to new york.

the first semester of my graduate program at SVA is over, and last night, my fellow classmates and colleagues tied one on at Old Town, because the heartland brewery was being a discriminating biatch to our merry group of international U.N.-like photographers.

so headed home for a bit. to rest, to sleep, perchance to shoot some more. not really sure of the ultimate goal of the trip is, but to pause and reflect.

tonight's homework:

take a few minutes to write down a list in two columns. on the first list, write all the ways you are a good person. on the other list, write those attributes that you could work on...your failings...your weaknesses. when you have about ten on either list, make a decision to try to change yourself for the better, and get all of the second lists items eliminated, while simultaneously adding ten more to the first list.

you're doing great, and i believe in you.

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decembre 15:

decembre 16:

decembre 17:

decembre 18:

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" cold hands, warm heart "

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i remember a time when i would sleep a lot. over 8 hours here, perhaps an 11-hour dream took me away there. the sumptuousness of imagery flexing and breathing within my head, beckoning me to stay with fluttered eyelashes.

as of late, i've been slowly feeling my body getting weaker and weaker as my enjoyed hours of sleep continue to ebb and decrease. i feel my musculature begin to ache and grow stiffer in the thin icy air of my bedroom in the mornings. there's too much work, too many moments filled with tasks, too much, too much.

but what quality of work, and what amazing opportunities i seem to have set out before me. it's so curious that the activities you love to do, could be directly contributing to the deterioration of your body.

there is rarely a respite from the encroaching sleepiness and the feeling that my health is waning. but in the reclaiming of a good night's sleep, there's hope.

upon the edges of sunsets and mid twilight times, i start to feel a surge of energy that i will get all the tasks done, and have a deep and amazing sleep.

the pixie-dust will put me down and under their spells. the synapses will fire and slowly through a blurred darkness, flashes of color and light will manifest, creating that beautiful escape.

tonight's homework:

drink a lovely cup of hot tea with honey and ginger. take a few moments to think about what you really love, and what you love to do. think about the people in your life that you love, and that love you. think about all of these things and people while you brush your teeth.

right before you swish and spit, but before you turn out the bathroom light, make yourself a promise to remain true to these things, and to these people with a full strength. solidify to yourself to be respectful, honest and open.

by the time you are slipping from this waking world to the dreamworld, know that you're doing great, and when you wake up, the world will have changed for the better.

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decembre 12:

decembre 13:

decembre 14:

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" dear nyc, i flip you the bird and still want a hug "

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eleven days into december, and still no snow.

windy ole wind and the cold sans fluff is very boring. aand it's just crummy and miserable.

so dear new york,

i'm leaving your good wintry graces for the holidays, and i shall see you in the new year. so i'll be back. don't worry.

i'll be back, and a year older. we can frolic and i'll go ice skating. i'll make spicy spiked hot cocoa and walk though your windy ways.

i'll eat doughnut plant & sugar sweet sunshine bakery in your lower east side. it'll happen. soon and soon enough.

see you tomorrow, and don't disappoint.

yours truly through and through,

bay

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decembre 01:

decembre 02:

decembre 03:

decembre 04:

decembre 05:

decembre 06:

decembre 07:

decembre 08:

decembre 09:

decembre 10:

decembre 11:

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" it's so heavy "

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and all at once you realize that this is your life.

it's a couple hours until the first day of the last month of this decade. it's all gone by so fast. and even faster recently, on account of my schooling.

it's sort of interesting how your life comes and goes in shifts, in tides, in strides. somehow it all meshes together, like the waning clarity in the afternoon of a winter day as it turns to nighttime at 4:00pm.

focusing so much on the technical side of the craft, that you forget about honing the eye. focusing on the eye of the craft so much, that you forget about backing up data. focusing on researching on how best to backup the data so much, that you for get to eat.

it's full of crazy, and yet here i am. on the cusp of the beginning of the end of a beginning.

it's not enough to keep reading about it. it's not enough to keep mulling over the thought of it. it's not enough to ponder it, or doubt the process of it.

the eternal and inescapable quality of its potential to exist, is enough to meet it at the crossroads of the path, and see what it can teach you. you can trade your time or your soul for that sweet sweet image, and it'll forever haunt you, or take care of you.

how cryptic then, is this vocation? how can you choose to pursue these moments when they remain so elusive? and how can i not at least attempt to be truthful to the process, when i know there are so many riches therein?

who needs a drink?

tonight's homework:

look, look, look.
shoot, shoot, shoot.
backup, backup, backup.
edit, edit, edit.
archive, archive, archive.

eats something, drink something, then smile.

you're amazing.

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novembre 22:

novembre 23:

novembre 24:

novembre 25:

novembre 26:

novembre 27:

novembre 28:

novembre 29:

novembre 30:

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" time's is rough and tough like leather "

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i cleaned my room today. you'd think that if you had just one room where most of your belongings were, that it'd be easier to keep the level of organization under control. but you'd be wrong.

it takes a significant amount of active daily organization tasks to upkeep a room.

where should i put the main elements of the room? bed, desk, shelves, clothing, camera equipment, books, magazines and newspapers? it can go from tidy to musseded up to damn near unlivable in a matter of days.

i almost had a stress attack updating my finances and paper receipts. where to placed the folded shirts, and in what order; frequency of wearing, or by color then frequency? i pretty much spent a few hours going through it all, and making slight changes here, and sweeping changes there.

and a new surge protector for all thing electrical, because it has started to look like snakes are having a battle underneath my desk area.

i suggest that if you have the time, health, and snacks in between, to make an attempt to pretty up your own personal space. it sort of totally makes a difference.

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novembre 18:

novembre 19:

novembre 20:

novembre 21:

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" huzzah "

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the american justice system always seemed so enthralling to me. my mom was a court interpreter for many years in california. she would take me to with her to work when she couldn't find someone to take care of me for the afternoon, and even though it was a place of formality, i was nevertheless interested int he proceedings.

i would watch justice television programs with my mom on a fairly regular basis. l.a. law featured prominently in our viewing schedule, and because she loved the process of the justice system, i in turn loved it as well.

a few weeks ago, i got a summons to show in court for the crime/misdemeanor or being in prospect park after hours. i felt that i had filled a quota for the young patrol officers of the night, and went home filled with mixed emotions on the subject.

was i to be blanketed underneath the same laws as ruffians, park rapists, and characters with weapons? was it the mere presence in the park after hours that promts the police to hand out tickets? i mean, the answer is always yes, because the police have a job to do, but in that (one-way) interaction, i felt as if there was no leeway for understanding; there was no empathy.

did it matter then, that i was riding my bicycle in the park because the paths are relatively lit, there are no cars (hence less danger of getting hit), or that i was riding with a friend to double our chances of safety? did it matter that i was 3 minutes from home? did it matter that i had my safety lights on?

apparently it didn't matter, and i still got a summons.

but today, i went in for the summons, and received the following printout from the court after waiting for about 30 minutes for the proceedings to begin:

and what does this mean?

is it justice that i didn't get a fine? it seems, in all respect to the police enforcement and legal prosecution systems, that not only did i not get a fine (the language they used was that their records were defective, so the dismissed the case), but the officers neglected to even file the summons to their precinct.

i've learned my lesson, but what happened here? why was there no follow through on their part, after such a fuss over what i thought was nothing?

why stop us at all?

i should feel victorious over a misunderstanding of sorts, but am left sort of unconvinced about the validity of the entire matter.

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novembre 15:

novembre 16:

novembre 17:

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" i'm close to being "

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wake up at 6:ooam to the intense unregulated heat from the radiator spitting and hissing below. attempt to go back to sleep after removing the covers a little bit.

wake up at once again at 8:00am to my alarm. do a little stretching. climb down ladder of my bed to the floor, which is cold to the touch even through thin woven rugs.

check and double-check camera equipment and accessories for shoot.

body and lenses? check.
batteries charged? check.
shotlist? check.
tripod, lightstand, lightstand? check x 3.
optimism? checkity check.

dress, close the doors, get down to the street and realize/remember that the trains is messed uuuup (again).

buy an everything bagel with lox cream cheese.

take the F-train "shuttle bus" from bartel-pritchard square to jay street, 30 minutes.

take the A from jay to hoyt-schemerhorn.

take the G from hoyt-schemerhorn to nostrand.

take second G to metropolitan ave.

walk to subject 2's house. meet up with subject two.

meet up with subject 1 at subject 2's house.

start cleaning and setting up.

shoot subject one, which goes awesomely.

subject 1 leaves.

a little break to download files to computer.

shoot subject 2, which also goes well.

breakdown setup while downloading second set.

eat dinner at wild ginger with subject 2.

take the L-train to metropolitan.

take the G to nostrand.

take the A to jay.

take the F-train shuttle bus back home.

marinate in all of the menial tasks left to do tonight.

blog, and post.

i'm very close to completion.

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novembre 11:

novembre 12:

novembre 13:

novembre 14:

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