" you are my profiterole "

---

i've been having crazy dreams for the past few days, all of which end up with a sense of immediacy. the one from last night involved crazy hieroglyphic indian blossoming elephant roses and other gothic blooming things.

i usually go to bed at around 3-4am in the morning, it's just how the night turns out. but ever since having these vivid dreams, i've been waking up at around 7-8am.

my brain hurts. my body is angry at me. my eyes hurt funny.

but my mind is racing.

somehow these dreams are telling me to engage the day and get to work. whether it's actual work work or photo work, or internet work is almost besides the point.

the point is to get up, get out into the world, and do your thing.

or you know, stay in bed and sleep the day away, blissfully unaware.

---

fevrier 18:


fevrier 19:


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" every day now, a new thing "

---

dear bay at 5:41pm,

things is getting rough now. the lack of money, the lack of a foreseeable innate employ, the lack of motivation, of hope, of love, of a great many things.

but the winter is nearing its end soon. and you will start a regimen to benefit yourself for your own good, won't you? it's not enough to sit at home and mope and worry without action. it's no good to wish and want, to believe and dream, without the steps to better yourself and your life.

i know you want to do your own work, to prosper in it. i know you want to travel, close and far, far and wide. i know you want a place to set free this bound collected love. to photograph and to create. i know you want to taste and feel and rant and run and fly and explore.

it's all within reach in every day.

and it's all up to you. no one can do it for you.

no one will do it for you.

resignedly yours,

yourself at 5:52pm this evening

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" what are you doing with your life? "

---

and the answer is, "i don't knoooooow!!"

god! i know all the advice is great, sound, good advice, but jimminy cricket, i don't know.

who does?

---

okay okay okay, i do know.

but isn't there a way that i can pursue a life of photography & art or something interesting, and balance it all out with a little commercialness on the side?

like in great expectations, but without the test of mettle as a youngster. i suppose since i didn't save a criminal or escapee, that road will never manifest.

but, if there are any kind-hearted ex-cons looking to fulfill the dreams of a creative someone, hit me up. there's beauty to be shared and seen.

---


---

" the golden hour "

---

shining sun.
profane ashamed earth.

met at the horizon this afternoon. had talks.
made cases, made arguments, made concessions, made treaties.

made up.
made out.

the sun and the earth, making out.
making love.

---


---

" i don't hallmark holiday "

---

my valentine's day isn't regulated by any saint. my heart remains a truthful organ to itself. no one should have to heed to the pressures of societal doctrines regarding when you can show or profess or prove or state your love.

in this manner, i defy the notion that i must chose simply one of the days out of the year to "have a valentine," to "be that special someone" for someone, or to love merely because of a federally-sanctioned holiday.

my love is constant and true. my love grows and flourishes beyond these bounds. my love duplicates and multiplies, and extends its wide embrace towards all who would encounter it, and yet, does it have a place to rest in this day?

we have had times, both delightful and horrendous, and we push through despite barriers of sadness and grief. the imminent death of my houseplants parallel the state of hope for one of my loves which remains at odds with itself; there is no one day for my love. and even though my love is at present a question mark with an indefinite destination, it remains aloft and ever-resilient.

tonight's homework:

make a little cake and share it with someone you care about. give someone a hug. tell someone they are your valentine or that you are theirs, not because of the day, but because you mean it.

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---

" a sheep in wolf's clothing "

---

lots of thoughts about the dual nature of things lately. the surface and the substance. the façade, and the interior.

how sometimes you happen to see things, objects and situations at their worst, when in reality, it could be that which you most desired all along. give it a chance, give them a chance. reciprocity and a shared moment.

rose-tinted spectacles and all that. it's the beauty beneath the surface of it all; the flickering and waning hope that you latch on to, in order to remain optimistic amidst all of the white noise.

---


---

" darwin's birthday and the fashion world "

----

it's darwin's birthday today, and no matter how you feel about that, you're probably not as fashionable as you thought you were. or maybe you were, and never saw the correlation between the theory of evolution and your personal style before.

tonight i remembered that in the eyes of the true fashion elite, i look like a caterer with a camera. i usually like to remain pseudo anonymous at my photo gigs. you know, to get nice shots of people in their element. candids, conversations as ease, laughter, interactivity in a "natural state of being."

now i wear black on black to most gigs, so as to not overpower the guests, and also to retain some semblance of formality. tonight at the museum, there was an opening party for and exhibit on the fashion design and pioneer known as Valentina. it is going to be a beautiful elegant scintillating exhibit replete with gorgeous dresses and beautiful designs as a start. and now you see how the very nature of the exhibit reflects on the sort of crown that was there tonight.

it's hard to think of yourself as having a particular style next to people who live and are immersed within the fashion world. this "real world" that they inhabit looks down from mt. vesuvius, from mt. everest, from mt. olympus of fashion, and scoffs at the mere thought that you could have possibly put that or those on today. it's rather telling of how much you have nothing in common with the real world, but more importantly sort of solidifies that you have no style at all, merely a wisp of an inkling of how even to cloth yourself properly. it was a time.

as an example, i asked a woman if i could take her photograph for the museum, and she asked me who i was working for. i replied "i'm working for the museum. this museum. for the opening of this exhibit." she replied with a defiant humph and said,"HAH!" then she slowly like a regal peacock in no hurry, plumage aglow and shining her shiny sheen, walked away with no hint of regret or remorse. i was too fascinated and amused to follow.

and even though i know it's merely clothing, and not merely clothing, to know that it's just a little part of fashion, and the whole entirety of fashion, means that as down as i was about being just another black on black person there, at least i had the pleasure of photographing some of the night's most prime examples of a world that i may not inhabit now, but could always engage and encounter with.

so in closing, it's never enough to know the theory of evolution, if you're not going to be well dressed enough to encounter the outcome of it. or is it enough the just have recognized that the evolutin of a certain slice of society has reach such a high level, that it's not even a viable option to comment or criticize? perhaps it's so far beyond even, that i cannot rightly tell if it's silly or fashion forward. i know i can tell you though, that whatever it is, it's amazing to behold in person and up close.

it's not a closed house, if you can find your way through the back door. come find me in the garden, i'll let you in.

---


amazing and beautiful bonus shot:


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" 700th post. should i get a cake? "

---

today i ran some errands on my bike. of course that was after i realized that my front tire was flat...again! is it too much to ask that a bike just be functional when you need it to be?

i walked it over to the bike shop about 20 mins away, and it was fixed in another 20 mins. apparently my bike has all these unusual quirks that make it a spectacle for anyone working on it to behold.

maybe there's a magical unicorn lodged in the universal gear hub, and its causing all of these minor annoyances. but probably not.

in any case, i did realize one thing today: the human body is a fickle machine. try as you might, it's increasingly difficult to maintain not only a bicycle, but our own bodies. they're so soft and vulnerable, inside and out.

i barely rode to my next destination (the brooklyn central library to pick up tax forms), when i felt a pinch of a wheeze in my chest. then came the gradual i-didn't-stretch-out-my-calves-at-all dull pain on the way to get some recycling bags 99¢ store. then the full body sweat-and-hurty motions when i tried to deposit some fundage at the ole WAMU-just-kidding-we're-CHASE-now!

the good news is i finally got back on the bike, and with springtime preening it's proud head, it's only a matter of time before i'm slim, trim, and back in shape. or maybe just retain a shape. either way, it was 63 degrees out today. woot!

---

fevrier 10:


fevrier 11:


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" i miss you. it's sort of horrible. "

---

well this is it, isn't it? this is the test. of your mettle, of your worth, of your character.

it's the test of your perseverance, of your resolve, and of your passions. how much will you want it if it becomes the toughest thing you've ever had to endure? what do you got to give?

oh it is most certainly going to be a test. a test of everything inclusive of all your skills, all of your tenacity, and fervor, and of your heart.

all of it is in the pot, and now is the time to see just how much you are invested in this life, and how much further you are able to go before the end of all things.

tonight's homework:

think about all of those things you've planned out or had a passing thought about pursuing, all of those things that point you towards a direction back to the core of all of your desires.

now let nothing get in your way of accomplishing these things. if you let me in on some of your activities, i'll loudly sounds alarms, and them know that you're coming for them.

p.s. - i've updated many of the galleries on the images section of my personal website, so check it out, and if you like it, pass it on.

---


---

" dreams "

---

i'm standing in thailand and there are skytrains all around me. it's a surprisingly cool day in the bustling capitol of bangkok. i can smell delicious street foods on a wafting breeze, children's laughter mixes in with the barking of dogs, and the constant bleating of taxi cars double and triples in volume and i begin to drown underneath the cacophony of the mighty decibels.

it is quiet, and nighttime. there are three objects on a small nightstand in the corner near a window. under the soft amber glow of a lamp, there lies a bobby pin, a photograph, and a pad of paper. the darkness encroaches around the room and everything goes black.

---


---

" shifts in the weather shift your soul "

---

it was almost 58 degrees out in the world today at the peak of daylight. there was a rushed breeze which blew fallen leaves and trash down the street, skirting the passing cars and coming to rest in scattered piles.

i didn't have to wear my scarf, heavy hoodie, or even my wool gloves. the sky was clear, and as the sun set into the horizon, i could smell a certain waft of sweetness in the air; the coming of some subtle shift to take all of this cold away to scatter around somewhere else.

---


---

" the duality of pancakes "

---

nothing like a pancake? more like nothing like a doubled over bellyache.

can't breathe, tummy full of ten of the most filling little pancakes ever from IHOP. can you believe the evil sneakiness of a $6.49 two-egg, two bacon, unlimited pancake breakfast?

it's like being punched in the gut with a good deal turned into a four-part harmony of maple syrup insanity, all located in your lack of better judgment.

but it was a time shared by four other friends, and it was pretty delicious until the bus ride/walk home. then i felt heavy and depressed.

tonight's homework:

think about what you had for breakfast and how you felt about it afterward, then try to detail out what you're going to eat for breakfast tomorrow so that you can feel happy, and not husky...i should've made what i had yesterday. i gotta go lie down.

---


---

" the good breakfast "

---

an asiago/mushroom sausage and browned garlic two-egg scramble, served over saffron-infused hom mali jasmine rice.

a "sorrento" mixed greens salad with a homemade lemon pepper/honey mustard balsamic vinaigrette, with halved clementine slices on top.

now go get em tiger. your morning awaits.

---


---

" you can never tell what day you're going to have when you filter the sunlight through a clementine "

---

i was on my way back home from braving the short trek from home to trader joe's to home in a 14 degree chill-factor, when i saw them.

the coolest little group of park slope kids ever. cool hairstyles in a natural mini-afro and taut loose voluminous ponytail, cool backpacks with autumn colors and sketches and straps, cool pants which were all tight without looking whorey, and cool sweet ole rockin' kicks. they were so cool that it made me feel like a slovenly gross pile of disorganization.

how come the youth got it all right in the winter, and i'm carrying all my groceries in my bag and tote on a train like an ole normal? when will i be extra-ordinary without any effort?

i guess, shine on little girls; you totally made my day.

---


* not one of them, but you already made a mind-image for yourself didn't you?

---

" thank you miss wesley "

---

have to thanks miss wesley for letting me tag along on her trip to visit her parents and brother in maine. you never think that you're going to keep in contact with people who swore and screamed in your direction, when you met for the first time.

i suppose you can never judge how anyone you meet will ever turn out. perhaps they'll be your good friend. perhaps an enemy. perhaps something in between.

but she's one of the gems that remains invariably herself over all of the years that i've known her. and it's nice to count on someone to be an anchor of sorts.

tonight's homework:

call up one of your anchors and tell them what they mean to you. they may live near or far, but i'm sure they'd love to hear your voice tonight.

---


---

" the lines between the lines are illegable "

---

the world outside your door is an amazing place filled with softly billowing wafts of gently falling snow.

it is beautiful to observe from indoors, and this is perhaps why you will not leave the apartment today.

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janvier 30:


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janvier 31:


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fevrier 1:


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fevrier 2:


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fevrier 3:


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" out of town, out of sight, but not out of heart. "

---

and off he went, into the great wide wilderness of portland, maine. nothing but the snow-bound stained city behind him; weeping friends and silent bars now shut down, he left in a wisp and a hand which waved a wave of sober-glee and somberness.

no one knew when he would return, but all clutched their chests to subdue the pain of his departure. the traveler had moved on.

(i'm actually going to be back monday, so yeah...don't worry. new photos to come soonly enough for the two of you who still read this sizzling blog of intrigue.)

---


---

" simple simple "

---

i'm thinking about the things that i want to do today. it dawns on me that i am too hungry to think. i'm warming up some leftover lasagna in the microwave oven. it is tangy and meaty with the textures still firm, and pliant in all of the right places. it sets my stomach at ease, and my mind at rest.

i'm returning to my room, not hungry anymore. i'm realizing that my feet and hands are too cold to think. for the rest of today, i believe i will sit here and have cold appendages while dreaming of future meals.

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janvier 27:


janvier 28:


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" i maaaaaade it (in one sense)!!! "

---

bay pwns gothamist, but not really, but SO really!

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" alone times in the city are more apparent when you're underground "

---

i wake up to empty wide tunnels underground. there are curious echoes all around which resound like far off metallic roars. after a while, when it becomes more silent, i can hear my feet shuffling along the platform as i walk back and forth.

i wonder to myself, how many more cumulative hours in my life i will spend on platforms like this, waiting for trains to arrive.

---


---

" this night has been one long journey into day "

---

the city the city, resplendent beauty. take me into your wide open arms, and deliver me into the cold cold night.

this street curb, this broken public payphone. this homeless man with his stringed-cup necklace. the poetry of dusk turns into early morning reverie.

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janvier 23:


janvier 24:


janvier 25:


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" gobleted maker's makes a mark "

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---

" interior of the exterior "

---

she plied open my fist with her slender fingers and brushed her fingertips in my exposed palm.

tiny sensations shot like electricity through my wrist, down the length of my forearm, up through the meat of my biceps and shoulders, and from there, spread like a slow-burning wildfire throughout my entire body.

---


---

" she loves him so much "

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happy obama day!

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" last light of the day & various sealed meats "

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the last time i saw the sun, it was gleaming off the window on the school building across the street from my apartment building.

it held a gentle dusky glow and maintained its reflection enough to shine a true and deep blood-orange, before succumbing to the blue of night.

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janvier 18:


janvier 19:


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" winter for the birds, and the light fantastic "

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it was 12 degrees outside my window on friday. the streets were not filled with snow, but the remnants of a salt-chemistry, which left a barren expanse of corrosives everywhere.

the sky was clear and the sun shone brightly as it blazed defiant. i could not feel my feet below me as they rested on the cold floors of my room. each one of my toes became a distant memory of physical sensation, and for a time it felt as if i had no feet at all.

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janvier 16:


janvier 17:


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" finding your way through all of the muck "

---

worked yesterday and then basically went out all night to various bars and restaurants, getting in at just around 4am, so you know. no time to post.

but in light of the minuscule lull, enjoy these two shots:

janvier 14:


janvier 15th:


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" through the looking glass, i saw nothing there "

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---

" a bright future for some "

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---

" sunset from the other side of the heez "

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---

" today the sun set at 4pm, while the moon crept up from behind "

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---

" when you're 29, you have to shave off silly facial hair, i think...well in any case, i did"

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---

" wellsir, that happened "

---

---

it's my birthday today. i'm 29 years old and i am trying to figure out if i'm doing any better than at this point last year.

i'm not sure if it's something that should be thought of in terms of either/or, but as we do tend to complicate most things by creating two categories of yes or no, black or white, better or worse, who can say?

i have a whole slew of pluses and minuses really; it's just what happens when time rolls along. i do want to say that i feel older, wiser, better at my craft, and in the least more content. and if you were to ask, i'm not sure how i'd answer. it'd probably rely on the amount of beer i've just consimed or the people i'm hanging out with at the moment.

my heart hurts, my body is less than ideal, i have messed up TMJ afflictions, and i am really, really, really unsure of a great many things.

how depressing is that?

---

today is my birthday. i'm 29 years old today, and i'm doing fantastic! i have been able to support myself through my photography for the past year and a half. i'm continuously making new contacts and friends, and i feel like breakthroughs are endlessly coming into focus.

i like to cook all the time. delicious, healthy meals which are sumptuous on small levels and warm the soul. nyc is a great place to be making your visions manifest; the rewards being the sweet recognition at the end of a long arduous path of hard work and determination.

last year was super rad, and this year is just another swath of time that will reaffirm my every hope and desire. this is the year, as all new years are "the year." the year of positive change, of optimism, or strength, or wisdom, of everything you wish it to be and more.

how awesome is that?

---

today is my birthday. i'm 29 years old today, and it's going to be fine despite everything. i think that it lies somewhere in between, as it always does.

as it always has been.

---

tonight's homework:

make a checklist of immediate and attainable goals, and then go down the list and check the shit out of those tiny little boxes. we're going to do great things this year, and there's never a horrible time to begin.

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" as the snow started to fall today, i saw a pretty thing "

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" made in the light "

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" even when you wake up hungover at 7am, there's beauty in the world "

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" well, shoot... "

---

...there goes that new year's resolution.

i was going to transition into this haphazardly updated blog thing, a sort of photo-a-day, so i could feel like i was actually putting my eye to work.

and by the looks of this, the third day of the new year, there are no photos to be uploaded. so i guess instead of feeling remorse over another conceptual glass of spilled milk, i'll try my darnedest to follow through with at least the proper number, if not the proper chronology of photos.

so here we go (even though the new internets always gots the faceboo)!

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janvier 1:

janvier 2:

janvier 3:

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