" sea-change "

---

as much as we'd like to think that we will age like a fine wine and get better over time, i bet that around 50% of us will just be who we are right now, for the rest of our lives.

this bodes well for those people who are nice, loving, caring individuals, with a flare for making others comfortable and altogether creative and willing to have a great time at all cost.

but for those people who are raging lunatic assholes with a penchant for being mean, rude, disrespectful and altogether horrible, it's a truly horrific thought that these people will reproduce with vapid like-minded equally-dishonorable counterparts.

and maybe again, it's not so black and white even. i'm sure we fluctuate all over the place throughout our lives, and if i said that we weren't able to over time shift focus and evolve our personalities, the world would be filled with a curious amount of really annoying people.

lately i've been thinking about what i really want in the current state of my life, and i find that the want and desire of those things that are seemingly unattainable, still do not deter me from holding those things, ideals, and states of being as an attainable goal.

i create, i torment, i lean, i dream, i do a number of things to forward myself. though, it is also astounding the amount of time i don't do anything at all. if i spent the same amount of time doing awesome things as i have spent zoning out and being slightly worried, i'd have a "career" by now, but perhaps not the most engaging and shining personality (sidenote: toot your own horn, because someone might not toot it for you [side-sidenote: get your head out of, or into, the gutter]).

it's cruel the flip of everything; the trade-offs and the sacrifices we make. and as this month of july comes to a close, i am looking forward to all of those chances to prove my metal. i am looking for the next mooring to make fast my anchor.

---

juillet 30:


juillet 31:



---

" fluctuations "

---

with applications done, momentary insanity rushes away like an ebb fleeting the shore.

now the long wait, and the biting of the nails.

drink to accomplishments, no matter how seemingly small.

if we can't celebrate our tiny advances, there'd be no need for handmade greeting cards in the world.

tonight's homework:

find a friend, then make each other laugh. extra points if they wee themselves.

---

juillet 27:


juillet 28:


---

" stromclods this way comes, then passes o'er "

---

empty hands, empty heart, emptiness. those open cavities and spaces where she used to reside.

a hollow exists therein, your guts clenched, the whole of your everything ill at ease while you stand on some corner of some street on another muggy night out of doors. out of chances.

fill it up with maker's mark to trick your brain and body into believing there is a warmth within. but there is no satisfaction in the 03:00 aftermath.

only the chance you took, only the woozy blur of 24 blocks home through the city, through the park, through your soul.

only you at night in your bed, the mind reeling with the endless possibility of the future.

---

juillet 25:


juillet 26:


---

" some fridays is rough "

---

i wish that i had more to share today; i have a lot in me. i have so much in me.

but, i just can't.

i just can't.

not today anyway.

---


---

" the short-long of wanting to be loved by your potential graduate admissions program "

---

there is within, a ferocity and a rage which sways back and forth, like a swelling tide welling up all around my chest. there is a hunger inside of me. it's feeding and leeching vital nutrients out from my body.

all of a sudden, i cannot sleep properly. it feels like my mind is reeling and racing; the thoughts coming into my conscious self all stuttered and a clutter.

there is the feeling of an immense weight upon the whole of my being. its dense volume immeasurable, and looms o'er with an unemotional consternation. it crushes me with a slow deft ever-encroaching blow.

there is nothing anyone can do to alleviate my stresses, as they are all self-inflicted. who can tell one person anything that will change these feelings?


it must be the proper words that could set loose any melancholy anchors. the proper whispers, and the proper touch.

i want to lash out, scream into the night until there is no voice left, shadowbox with unseen villains, claim a victory.

all of a sudden, i feel open and willing. navigation of this space is so unnerving, to have to put yourself out there for all to see and judge.

and yet it needs to be done. how will you ever know if you don't come out and speak your mind; if you don't speak your heart. all is never lost, even while time is fleeting.

i need a hug.

---


---

" inevitables "

---

whether you are joyous or sad,
whether you are fraught with worry,

or loneliness,
or pains,
or not,

i will be there for you.


whether you need me or you don't,
whether there are more chapters to us,

or just sentences,
or a simple
single word,

i will be there for you.


i will be there for you,
but,

will you be there
for me?

---


---

" all the rest, clenched fists and slumped shoulders "

---

and after so long a period of time, seeing her small hands resting calmly upon her thighs, with the flourishing flush within me wanting to reach out and hold them in mine. to clasp them in my own, give a gentle firm squeeze and never let go.

and after all this time, to know that i'll never reach out like that any more, and that i'll never hold them in that or in any other similar manner ever again; it devastates me.

the hands unheld, the heart most obviously not yet ready to move on.

tonight's homework:

if you are currently or soon to be in the presence of someone with which you hold dear to you and to your well-being, someone who has changed your life for the better, someone who inspires and reminds you of why you have faith in life and love and heart and it all, tell them.

tell them now before there are no more opportunities to tell. do it, you'll feel better that you did.

or not. but you'll have done it, and that's something.

---

juillet 16:


juillet 17:


juillet 18:


juillet 19:


juillet 20:


juillet 21:


---

" pocket full of fireworks! "

---

nothing like large blankets over soft(ish) grass in the park.

long meadow as a stage for open-air classical music bombardment.

friends all a-clutter; marionettes at rest amongst beer bottles and baguettes and exposed segments of brie.

hark, a glowing brilliant jewel of song reverberates and echoes throughout the shallow valley.

fireworks explode furiously overhead, and another warm summer night becomes a memory.

---


---

" sitting in a sarong "

---

usually i know it's time to get up and out of bed, because there a cacophony of children screaming noisily and excitedly across the street. it's the park slope day camp getting all the kids together in their respective groups before mounting modified school-buses with destinations fantastique.

this elevated noise level, almost always causes me to rise from a curious summer slumber at around 1pm, and i almost always am happy to realize that i've spent the better half of the day in dreamland.

the things that i've accomplished today are: sitting around in my sarong with nary a care, slicing and dicing up an entire seedless watermelon and placing the chunks into three large tupperware containers, almost finishing the writing portion of my artist's intent statement of why i want to go back to school, and watched the online video-stream of the first super-questioning session of judge sotomayor.

if i keep this up, i may even get something really awesome done by my bedtime tonight, which is usually around 3-4am.

tonight's homework:

whether you are spending your summer lounging/working from the comfort of home, or engaging the multiple universes out of doors, remember to take a five-minute break to breathe and remember why you're doing what you're doing, and how awesome it'll be once you can finish this task and move on to the next.

---


---

" my belly! "

---

i think that if i keep up eating the way i've been eating, pulled pork slop here, various fruity creamsicles there, delicious streetfoods, and all the indulgent snack in between, i may have to ramp up my bicycle-riding regimen.

---


---

" mouthfeel "

---

for the past few weeks, i've been eating the same dish for breakfast. a three-egg omelet with minced garlic, sliced red onions, yellow squash, and a fistful of chopped kale. spiced with cracked black peppercorns, paprika, and a dash of sea salt.

it's not made intentionally, but pretty much just because it's comprised of the items i usually have in my refrigerator.

it's solid and savory. it tastes really good; the kale steamed and intermingling with the eggs in a certain symbiotic manner. it incites watering to my mouth, and after i finish eating it, i am fairly satisfied.

i wish i had more creativity with my omelets these days, but if this is to be my current default, i'm glad that it just does it for me. what do you usually eat for your breakfast?

happy food, happy heart.

---

juillet 11:


juillet 12:


---

" thrills and frills "

---

feeling the heft of the body, and the balanced weight of the lens in my hands, i fingered for the various buttons and knobs, before depressing the shutter halfway to attain focus.

with my left eye wide open and attentive, i found the subject and remained calm. taking in a short and deep breath, the slight breeze shifted and the scene came into view.

'clack-clack clack,' went the mirror slapping against the inner-mechanisms of the interior. i lowered the camera with the knowledge that something unique was created in those few milliseconds.

i exhaled slow and sure; this was my something special and never repeated.

---


---

" gooooooosh! "

---

since when did getting a wild hair up your ass and trying to make a positive large step have to feel so daunting?

trying to gather all the right materials together, letters of reference, and a pocketful of get-to-it-ness attitude that'll propel me past this procrastination.

wish me luck.

---

juillet 07:


juilet 08:


juillet 09:


---

" chubby belly, stout legs, empty pockets, happy heart "

---

after the 50th consecutive game of bedazzled blitz on the ole fazeboo, i was rousted up from my slumbery early afternoon stupor by ben s.(roomie of the moment), and went on a bicycle adventure!!!!!

over to the brooklyn bridge, through lower manhattan to century 21 where they totally didn't have any useful pots that i could cook in. i bought a shower liner.

onward we went up to pearl river where i got some dish towels and bowls for cereal and food and basically everything. who doesn't love eating out of bowls!?!

then up to check out TOPMAN, where it was confirmed that i wasn't white, tall, skinny, or have any british fashion sensibilities. oddly enough, every single piece in there wasn't up to snuff, well, my snuff. i'm sure many other folks there were knee-deep in the snuff of their dreams.

since i needed cheapo-ish boxers due to the launderette being closed for the holidays...we slipped into UNIQLO where it took me sooooo too long to choose a total of four pairs of them.

you'd be surprised how off-putting the wrong combination of plaid is when you envision it on your body. the bag it came in was so cool, i decided to take it even though i usually put all things in my big-ole-chrome-bag; i think i'll make it into a super book cover for some dreamy tome.

not to neglect the stomach, we went southernly to the saigon bakery where DAMN! i completely forgot that it's closed on mondays. nooooooo! with a moment of gripe inside, i remained resolute to purchase a two-fer of garlic (two meshpacks of 5 heads for $1), which kicks ass, because now i can cook a boatload of garlic for my belly tomorrow.

deciding to just make a jolly go of the rest of the afternoon into the night, we ventured uptown to bryant park to scope out the situation with the free movie night; they screened "dog day afternoon." right as we got to the park, ben blew the back inner-tube of his slick purple fixie; a byproduct of having to backbrake so often.

it took us sooooo long to find and walk to the metro bicycles semi-nearby, but they were cool there, and after a quick swipe of the plastic, we were back off to the park. he broke out his tools and bikenerded his ride back into working order. no time for a movie! no space anyhow! off to get some chickenwings!!!

if you're in and around 19th st in between 6th & 7th ave.'s, leaning towards the 7th end...hit the F up out of Tebaya. glorious glorious terryaki chicken wings on a bed of rice that make your mouth suckerpunch your tastebuds with savory deliciousness. we rode, we noshed, we were sated.

the last leg of the ride-all-afternoon-ride, came in the form of a meandering cross-city jaunt to the east parkway, down to chinatown, across the manhattan bridge, and back through the dark city of downtown brooklyn until finally, eventually, we made it back home.

beautiful ride, beautiful day. with body flexed and released, with mind engaged and focused, with bike used and shoes abused, the ride came to a wondrous finale in glass after glass of clear fresh cool water.

---


---

" in all your pursuits of awesome "

---

never stop believing, never stop hoping.
never stop exploring, never stop experiencing.

never stop flying, never stop being grounded.
never stop photographing, never stop editing.

never stop loving, never stop living.
never stop tasting, never stop listening.

never stop holding, never stop letting it go.
never stop feeling, never stop letting me know.

---

juillet 04:


juillet 05:


---

" and empty room brings "

---

a glimpse of the endless possibility, reflected in it a physical space which is paralleled in both the outside world as well as in your life.

---


---

" jimminy! "

---

diclaimer: pretty ill bloody dream below

i had this really restless night's sleep last night. i'm not sure of what i dreampt of, but towards the end of my sleeping times, i remember very vividly murdering two individuals with a short hunting knife.

they were harassing a friend of mine at this ramen noodle counter somewhere, and making her feel uncomfortable to the point of public shame and ridicule. it was excruciating to witness.

i told another friend of mine to give me his bowie knife, which he produced. i walked right up to the two men who saw me approaching, and told them to leave my friend alone.

they spit on my and laughed like evil toads. for some reason, all of that ill treatment solidified what i had to do.

i went for the closer of the men first. he had a stout face which was shadowed by his frame. i straight prison-shanked him with the knife, deep into his chest. i felt no remorse, and was pretty calculated. his chest became a deep red pool, and i stabbed him a few more times.

after i saw the fear and shock on his face, i knew that he knew he had done wrong, and that he was going to die because of his actions. (pretty effin'rough!) i grabbed a clump of his thick brushy hair, and bent his head back leaving his neck exposed. in one powerful slicing stroke, i cut open his throat and tore it from his torso.

his fellow cohort stumbled towards me with rage and fervor. i grabbed his left arm at the wrist, pulled him towards me, and let his forward momentum guide the knife into his heart. he too had the same look of shock as his compatriot.

with deft blows to his chest, he fell to the floor and the dream ended with me standing there proudly with blood all over my everything.

i've never had such confidence wielding any sort of weapon in real life, and most definitely never had an inclination to do anything mildly close to these actions towards anyone. but, it was a little eerie finding myself awake in my bed this morning, my fists clenched and heart racing.

---


---

" ends of eras "

---

no more glares when i yell her name into the apartment.
no more raucous laughter piercing through the hallways.

no more musical melodies.
no more lilting lullabies.

no more click-clacking of heels upon the floors.
no more opinions-needed of various outfits.

no more tavis smiley afternoons.
no more saturday WNET 13 movie night.

onward and forward we eventually go,
into the familiar unknown.

time for a new nest to be built,
this bird has flown.

---


- good luck out there jaygee, make me proud -

---