" it's so heavy "

---

and all at once you realize that this is your life.

it's a couple hours until the first day of the last month of this decade. it's all gone by so fast. and even faster recently, on account of my schooling.

it's sort of interesting how your life comes and goes in shifts, in tides, in strides. somehow it all meshes together, like the waning clarity in the afternoon of a winter day as it turns to nighttime at 4:00pm.

focusing so much on the technical side of the craft, that you forget about honing the eye. focusing on the eye of the craft so much, that you forget about backing up data. focusing on researching on how best to backup the data so much, that you for get to eat.

it's full of crazy, and yet here i am. on the cusp of the beginning of the end of a beginning.

it's not enough to keep reading about it. it's not enough to keep mulling over the thought of it. it's not enough to ponder it, or doubt the process of it.

the eternal and inescapable quality of its potential to exist, is enough to meet it at the crossroads of the path, and see what it can teach you. you can trade your time or your soul for that sweet sweet image, and it'll forever haunt you, or take care of you.

how cryptic then, is this vocation? how can you choose to pursue these moments when they remain so elusive? and how can i not at least attempt to be truthful to the process, when i know there are so many riches therein?

who needs a drink?

tonight's homework:

look, look, look.
shoot, shoot, shoot.
backup, backup, backup.
edit, edit, edit.
archive, archive, archive.

eats something, drink something, then smile.

you're amazing.

---

novembre 22:

novembre 23:

novembre 24:

novembre 25:

novembre 26:

novembre 27:

novembre 28:

novembre 29:

novembre 30:

---

" time's is rough and tough like leather "

---

i cleaned my room today. you'd think that if you had just one room where most of your belongings were, that it'd be easier to keep the level of organization under control. but you'd be wrong.

it takes a significant amount of active daily organization tasks to upkeep a room.

where should i put the main elements of the room? bed, desk, shelves, clothing, camera equipment, books, magazines and newspapers? it can go from tidy to musseded up to damn near unlivable in a matter of days.

i almost had a stress attack updating my finances and paper receipts. where to placed the folded shirts, and in what order; frequency of wearing, or by color then frequency? i pretty much spent a few hours going through it all, and making slight changes here, and sweeping changes there.

and a new surge protector for all thing electrical, because it has started to look like snakes are having a battle underneath my desk area.

i suggest that if you have the time, health, and snacks in between, to make an attempt to pretty up your own personal space. it sort of totally makes a difference.

---

novembre 18:

novembre 19:

novembre 20:

novembre 21:

---

" huzzah "

---

the american justice system always seemed so enthralling to me. my mom was a court interpreter for many years in california. she would take me to with her to work when she couldn't find someone to take care of me for the afternoon, and even though it was a place of formality, i was nevertheless interested int he proceedings.

i would watch justice television programs with my mom on a fairly regular basis. l.a. law featured prominently in our viewing schedule, and because she loved the process of the justice system, i in turn loved it as well.

a few weeks ago, i got a summons to show in court for the crime/misdemeanor or being in prospect park after hours. i felt that i had filled a quota for the young patrol officers of the night, and went home filled with mixed emotions on the subject.

was i to be blanketed underneath the same laws as ruffians, park rapists, and characters with weapons? was it the mere presence in the park after hours that promts the police to hand out tickets? i mean, the answer is always yes, because the police have a job to do, but in that (one-way) interaction, i felt as if there was no leeway for understanding; there was no empathy.

did it matter then, that i was riding my bicycle in the park because the paths are relatively lit, there are no cars (hence less danger of getting hit), or that i was riding with a friend to double our chances of safety? did it matter that i was 3 minutes from home? did it matter that i had my safety lights on?

apparently it didn't matter, and i still got a summons.

but today, i went in for the summons, and received the following printout from the court after waiting for about 30 minutes for the proceedings to begin:

and what does this mean?

is it justice that i didn't get a fine? it seems, in all respect to the police enforcement and legal prosecution systems, that not only did i not get a fine (the language they used was that their records were defective, so the dismissed the case), but the officers neglected to even file the summons to their precinct.

i've learned my lesson, but what happened here? why was there no follow through on their part, after such a fuss over what i thought was nothing?

why stop us at all?

i should feel victorious over a misunderstanding of sorts, but am left sort of unconvinced about the validity of the entire matter.

 ---

novembre 15:

novembre 16:

novembre 17:

---

" i'm close to being "

---

wake up at 6:ooam to the intense unregulated heat from the radiator spitting and hissing below. attempt to go back to sleep after removing the covers a little bit.

wake up at once again at 8:00am to my alarm. do a little stretching. climb down ladder of my bed to the floor, which is cold to the touch even through thin woven rugs.

check and double-check camera equipment and accessories for shoot.

body and lenses? check.
batteries charged? check.
shotlist? check.
tripod, lightstand, lightstand? check x 3.
optimism? checkity check.

dress, close the doors, get down to the street and realize/remember that the trains is messed uuuup (again).

buy an everything bagel with lox cream cheese.

take the F-train "shuttle bus" from bartel-pritchard square to jay street, 30 minutes.

take the A from jay to hoyt-schemerhorn.

take the G from hoyt-schemerhorn to nostrand.

take second G to metropolitan ave.

walk to subject 2's house. meet up with subject two.

meet up with subject 1 at subject 2's house.

start cleaning and setting up.

shoot subject one, which goes awesomely.

subject 1 leaves.

a little break to download files to computer.

shoot subject 2, which also goes well.

breakdown setup while downloading second set.

eat dinner at wild ginger with subject 2.

take the L-train to metropolitan.

take the G to nostrand.

take the A to jay.

take the F-train shuttle bus back home.

marinate in all of the menial tasks left to do tonight.

blog, and post.

i'm very close to completion.

---

novembre 11:

novembre 12:

novembre 13:

novembre 14:

---

" the cutest baby ever smiled at me "

----

i was walking around the 20's off of 6th ave today, swimming in my thoughts. my body veered and swerved through the crowded sidewalks like so much wind through the forest.

my eyes looked onward and past all of the blurred heavy-coated shapes, and only the destination was forefront.

then i turned a corner, and there was a woman, most obviously a caregiver, carting around two young children in a double stroller. these children sat side-by-side and were engaged in the sort of sharing conversation toddlers might do.

right when i reached them and our paths met, this tiny curly-haired beautiful rosy-cheeked fresh little bubbly baby girl looked up at me. she saw right through me, and smiled the sort of smile that you wish to receive in every moment, in every reaction, always.

we locked eyes and her tiny head swiveled, tilted, and panned around to meet my momentary gaze for as long as we could hold contact. and when both of us were out of range, she slowly repositioned, as if she knew that she had made my entire day.

she looked right through me, and smiled a beaming, glowing, wondrous smile which extended my elation and happiness well and beyond our brief moment.

---

novembre 06:

novembre 07:

novembre 08:

novembre 09:

novembre 10:

---

" a piece of yourself "

---

goodbye old friend. we shall never meet again.

the old photograph of half-smile; the original photo. you turned 16 in that picture, and your hair was crooked.

after so many years together, who have we become? does it show that we are different people? are we better people now than we were then?

have we loved to the best of our ability? have we engaged, worked hard, treated others kindly? are we happier now?

your weight is not 152 lbs. anymore. your eyes are less powerful. your face less smooth and youthful.

but you're still important to me, and i will miss you.

take care.

---

---

" a blustery boo "

---

it's 5:06pm.
it's dark outside already.
it's 48°F.

boo.

---

---

" of speedos and waterslide parks "

---

had a very strange dream where i was taking a bunch of kids to a waterslide park. i was there to make sure they were safe and having fun. the rides looked great; roller coastery rides with cascading waterfalls, the boat ride thing that can fit 50 people and then it spins around and around and upside down, and an all encompassing shallow play area with fountains and inflatable flotation devices.

throughout the whole dream it was turning sunset. the sky was a deep amber and hints of pinks and purples were just visible along the edges of some clouds, just as if they were cotton candy stretched out and dipped in some sugary concoction.

old friends that recognized me came up to greet me, say hello and oh how long has it been that's great well see you later, but i didn't recognize them. a friend of mine that just got married sidled up to me on the path i was walking on, and was smiling a smile of recognition.

i had to yell to a kid not to splash water on the other kids or tease them, and i believe he understood me. my friend told me how he was really happy that i attended his wedding and that it had meant a lot to him. i told him that of course i was happy to come; that's what you do right?

the dream meandered on and through the park, and around that time that you can feel a dream beginning to wind down, i realized that i was wearing my speedos from when i was a kid. the ones that were an even but slightly faded navy blue, with the albany blue dolphins logo screen printed in white on the left hip. the crackling in the white suggesting that i had been swimming for so long.

i realized i had my mirrored goggles with me and that i had spent so much time talking to people, and looking after the safety of the kids, that i hadn't even had the chance to swim at all.

i went up to someone who was guarding the pool area, and he recognized me. i told him i didn't have a chance to swim, and he said that it was okay. i was there to do something, and i did it. there would be plenty of times to swim, but at least i did what i told everyone i would do.

still really wanting to at least get into the water, i thanked him and moved forward towards the edges of the pool. i could hear the water lapping against the shallowed gutters which ran along the circumference of the park.

and then i woke up.

and then my alarm clock went off.

and i was awake again, filled completely with the desire to swim.

---

---

" cooking to cope "

---

gaaah technology!

i stayed up late to perfect my midterm for class. like you do when you have a lot of time to do projects, but life and other schoolwork get in the way and you get overwhelmed, then put things off intermittantly until the proverbial last minute.

i went to bed around 4am thinking that a large zip file i was FTPing to the school server would make it the second half on it's own. with 2.8 hours to go on the upload, i decided that i had waited the initial 2.3 hours already, and everything would work out.

but no. i woke up after a night filled with anxiety dreams and climbed down my ladder to find...that not only did the upload fail, but that it had failed with around a hour left to go.

boo technology, boo.

so how to you recover? try sending it again in the hopes that it'll be speedier this time (which is isn't. in fact it's slower!), and that it'll get "in" on time. i'mma head into the city in a couple just to see if i can beat the internet by uploading more direct to the server.

so to regain control of my feelings of doubt and chaos, i made the breakfast that oddly enough, i've made almost every day for the past week or so:

1. hot cup of yogi chai rooibus tea with honey.

2. salad of fresh butter lettuce, green beans, sliced red onions, and tunafish with a DIY vinaigrette involving olive oil, apple cider vinegar, salt, black pepper, and honey mustard.

3. a two-egg omelet with sauteed garlic, onions, and mushrooms with garam masala, cumin, and some ole bragg's for umami, all over a bed of steamed jasmine hom mali rice.

as i sit here and start on the salad, watching feverishly as the water of this digital trickling water boils, i can see that my day has been slightly, ever so slightly reclaimed.

---

---

" daylight savings and other things at 3/2am "

---

- homework and midterms for miles and miles.
- the testing, the looking.
- how my eyes are getting stronger or weaker.
- what time is it, and will i be late for anything?

- my hair is really soft right now.
- there are a lot of papers on my desk.
- there are a lot of wires and glowing blue lights on my desk.
- there are tiny dustballs and napkins and other things on my desk.
- my desk is a large wooden behemoth.

- a hug would be nice.
- the bbc-world service is sorta rad...or is it the accents?
- my feet are cold.
- i ate a lot of salmon today, and i'm still hungry.
- i make a mean PB&J.

- this is my 801st blog post.
- maybe i should celebrate with a slice of cake.
- and many miles to go before i sleep.

---

octobre 27:

octobre 28:

octobre 29:

octobre 30:

octobre 31:

novembre 01:

---