" f[r]iction and [sur]reality "

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i could see them. there, sitting in the park; the sun was shining high and to the left. birds sand sweet tunes and children flew kites in straight lines which giggled brightly. and i wanted to smother them all; equal the balance between how i feel inside and the way the world is so sickeningly optimistic outside. it's summer.

you get to a point where you have to leave your home base, go out into the world, and attempt to push yourself to be a better person. up until last year, this is what i have been doing. i work very hard and succeed at a shit job that i hate. i eat relatively mediocre, and i am completely....

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in the middle of this post, i am going to stop and tell all 3 of you readers something. it's not that the post was going somewhere not good, it's just amongst the negative-sounding tone, i remember that there are more important things to be shared and said:

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today, one of my friends that lives in the south, told me that her father had died. just a few months ago, she moved down from bangkok just to be nearer to him.

it is the same friend as a post late last month. (http://baystar.blogspot.com/2004/11/story-4-sometimes-there-are-no-words.html)

she told me of how he just faded away. through tears and short breaths, she said that if i could, that i should visit her in the south, because now she has no one.

so that is how today went.

i already don't really care about the fanfare of christmas, but that someone who by all ancestral histories, never even needs to wish such a thing upon another...it is a rare gift.

i told her that when i could i would go visit, and that i was sorry and that it's not fair, and all of the things that come out of your mouth when you don't have the words to speak proper.

i mean, what else does an average person do?

i sat in the bathroom for ten minutes and cried; my chest locked up with that pain that you get right before you just let all the pain seethe through your being in the physical reaction to the unfairness in the universe.

i felt and feel horrible, oddly guilty for being far from the danger, and useless. on the inside, i feel like everything is collapsing in small increments all around me. all around me there are hints of christmasness, and someone i care about is a long distance away, alone, and hurting.

so hey, fat and jolly. if you got some real useful helpful items in that magic bag, hook me up.

...

she called to wish me a merry christmas.

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