" so there's this scot i met "

---

tonight while on a shoot for my job, i met this scotsman/bartender dude named andrew miller. we chatted it up and talked a little nit about scotland and all of the cool things there: Irn-Bru, the famed local sauce of choice for absolutely everything Brown Sauce, single-malt whiskey, the highlands, stirling and braveheart, and a sound decent pint of Guiness.

kinda sorta makes me want to go back just for a few weeks. he said that he'd hit me up if a friend of his came to visit, and maybe hook me up with a little Irn-Bruu (the local soda-like beverage that outsells coca-cola). so cheers andrew. you are in a foreign land, but you still have that old country charm.here's to edinburgh and the old firehouse.

to the king over the water.

---

" the hot cold of it "

---

so there's this seemingly insurmountable chasm, and your goals and dreams are on the other side. everyone you love is on the other side, and they all-at-once beckon to you in a sweetly siren-like manner to join them.

it's as if your heart is elated and breaking at the same time. you take a moment to look down at your mishapen mediocre form of a body, and think to yourself, "how will i ever get to the other side?"

the answer lies in the calming of the fears that you feel, and taking a step towards the edge of the cliffs. looking down you can see that below is one of the largest trampoline that you have ever seen in your lifetime, ever.

you realize that before you can fear something fully, you have to know what the score is; if you have no clue what's on the table, don't bother caring about those teary-eyed faced at the other side; they don't exist.

being here is like living a double life. and i have to ask myself daily, "who am i really?" it's a strange duality, being here, because it really does test what you think like, what you feel, your strength of character, and every bit of your personality and belief systems.

it's a very cleansing experience; your body feels as if it's freezing cold with anxiety and boiling hot from strength of will. with each day, i feel like i have the brave nature enough to leap down into the cloven canyon, because i know that by taking these risks, i am bound to end up on the other side. that and trampolines are cool.

homework:

tonight find someone that you love and punch thenm really hard in the shoulder (make it a friend and not a relative). then kiss them on the now bruised spot that you just hit, and ask them if that made it all better. who said love doesn't have to hurt?

it's either that, or get a slice of strawberry french cheesecake and a glass of fresh cold milk, and enjoy them together with a friend for me.

---

" and now it's time to think "

---

dear you (meaning me, meaning bay),

reality. here i am in what some experts call "the thick of it."

so, everyday i awake to find myself in thailand. the walls are small around me and there is a rotating fan panning back and forth; it's redirects air cooled by an overhead air-conditioning unit all along the length of my bed.

outside is the heat of a new day rising into the low nineties. i usually am awoken by either the sound of dogs fighting, motorcycles buzzing by, or the alarm from my cell phone. i make it a normal habit to set the alarm for 7:45am, so that i can lay in bed for at least another hour, without being late to go to work. it gives you that hour-long opportunity to ask yourself if you're really going to get up or not, and it feels nice to have options.

you start to think about what compromises the extent of your present life, and how you came to be here. what am i doing here? i think that this is better than finding a job in the field of my interest, but how can i even begin to compare? i haven't even gotten a third-party job within cinema at all since graduating.

it's like you have the magically dull piece of paper that states "you have a BA!! you are capable!!!" but no one wants to read it.

i feel like i put another part of my life on hold by coming here; the part of me that wants to do nothing but travel far and wide, shoot rolls and rolls of film, and just luxuriate in the path of my choice.

and to some extent, i am travelling and in some way i am taking pics...so. what am i really talking about?

somedays i just have no clue what i'm doing at all, but in light of that, i really have no choice but to do all i can in the now.

hmmm, after writing this all out, it seems that i have spent the last 10 mintes wasting my time writing myself into a circle, so i'm going to stop here.

sincerely you,

me

ps- there's a longer way to go yet,  suck it up.

---

" take charge of your life "

---

when the time was right today, i got dropped off by friend at the BTS skytrain station at Mo Chit. then i bought a ticket, and headed to Siam. Both of those places are stations for the Bankok Skytrain, the most recent public transportation method which is an above-ground train system which also has an even more recent underground counterpart.

i was on a mission to find apple.

all the information i had was the name of some place where her store was at, and the rest i had to find. how do you find one person in a city totaling 2.5 million? lemme tell you, it's not luck; it's some sense of adventure and timing. all timing.

i disembarked at Siam station and asked someone where "bonanza shopping centre" is, and then i walked walked walked. today was really the first time i had to fend for myself, and it was great to feel in control of my own daily program at least if not just for a tic.

i searched every floor of the shopping floors, and eventually saw her there before me. instead of yelling out her name, i just observed her, relievedly, and let her discover me.  we met eyes and she smiled that sort of sweet genuine smile that is like an irreplacable memory. genuine, and gleaming.

sometimes when you take the most chances in a short amount of time, the payoff is that much larger. tonight i proved to myself that i can figure out how to get there and back, with a little time and motivation, and that aint bad y'all. so here's to worries turning into positive optimisitc adventurism.

yay for me.

---

" sometimes i really hate putting myself out there "

---

and so i am waiting.

again!
how is it i always seem to get up in this place?

no matter how good you think you are doing, there will always be something to prove you wrong, send you off your tipping point, and make your innards implode dissolve twist fail.

all i want to know is that she's okay and that the words she spoke have

weight to them.

it's three days later, and i feel like i am in a relationship with a voice on a phone; an audible ghost who has no corporeal being, just sweet electronically-filtered sweetnesses.
so i wait.

 
the silence of not hearing her voice
is the loudest sound of all.

---

" returning to here "

---

the air is changed.

the ground is wet, and the skies are cleared
a deep and voluptuous blue hue.

i see the footprints of days gone
fleeting towards memory,
and catch a glimpse of
things to come.

eyes wide,
body strong,

and heart open,
i step into the wind.

---

" there and back again, a hobbit's tale...i mean, my first long trip in thailand "

---

(the following are some pieces that i wrote, while on the road to the northern part of thailand; chiang mai, prae, tak, kampamgpet, and loei)
 
---
 
" within "
 
you are the dream
that i want to keep on dreaming
 
sleeping with one eye open,
so as to spy upon your dreams
and guard my secrets
 
and in the sweet darkness,
i am the poet,
and she is my poetry.
 
07.15.04
 
---
 
" meandery ways "
 
we've been walking
on these separate paths
for all of our lives,
 
and now have met at this fork in the road.
 
to sojourn together thusly,
your hand safely cupped in mine,
i feel as if i can walk on this road a bit longer yet;
 
to wherever you wish to go,
into whatever may come,
to destinations unknown,
 
if you will have my company.
 
07.05.04
 
---

 

" thoughts upon a distant lover "

 

(written in the morning, kampangpet province)

 
her eyes,
two of the clearest
black opals i've ever seen.
 
it's as if i'm laying beneath
the cool currents of a meandering twilight river,
 
looking up at the skies
as stars invade my view.
 
she is a slender brown reed;
her lines are long
and she sways gracefully in the breeze.
 
how can one not but fall thusly?
 
one look and i'm on the ground.
one touch and i'm sinking into the earth.
 
a brief kiss,
and i'm residing in the molten core of the world,
never to leave, never to breathe again, never to regret.
 
07.23.04
 
---
 
" random much? "
 
there's nothing like eating dried strawberries and sitting out the window of a janky minibus, while seeing the nocturnal migration of bats as they come out of their cave dwelling in the north of thailand.
 
07.24.04
 
---
 
" o-tohn "
 
she is waiting for me beside the river,
my citified lotus-flower girl,
and i feel the weight of this
passage of time upon my body,
as if i am completely beneath the water's surface.
 
to feel lost thus,
and unsure of when you will
come up for air,
is like waiting for monsoon rains to stop,
glaciers to move distant mountains,
and winter trees to come
into fruition.
 
but she waits
patiently;
without scorn
or any sense of
common regret.
 
so eventhough these days are long,
the nights lonely and without,
i know that soon
i will hold her in my arms,
 
and taste the fruit
of her awaited mouth.
 
07.25.04
 
(o-tohn, means patience in thai)
 
---

" to the north i go, where i'll be nobody knows...i mean someone knows...but, well, nevermind "

---

heading up to the northern part of thailand with my fellow cohorts. the production team is primed and we're ready to be gone for 2 weeks in the cooler part of the country. the north enjoys a break in the heat of thailand, due to it's greater number of vegetation and natural resources.

even though this job is allowing me to see the country in a way that i have never seen it before, and that's cool, all i am thinking about is how i am going to miss out on seeing the loverly miss apple for those two weeks.

why is this so hard. can't i just please get out of this twilight zone for like a month or so? is this too much to ask? i've already gone through this hello-i'm-in-high-school-can-i-please-be-sequestered-to-my-room-so-i-don't-ever-meet-any-girls-cause-i-might-make-a-baby phase? all i want to do is learn about her more, hang out, get something to eat. and all of the normal things people do when they're diggin each other. sigh*

i talked to her last night about the importance of trust and patience. it's really really really frustrating when you feel that someone is fighting to be with you, and you are helpless to the whims of work-world reality.

so now i'm in a fight with father time; that wooley old man with cane-staff and lamp. you know what i'm going to do the next time i see that skeletal apparition?
stick my leg out to trip up father time and his scheming ways...that timey handling old man with his time beard and wonder staff

(insert shaking fist in the air, in a comical manner, here)

so tonight call up someone you love, and tell them you're coming over to share the next two hours with them, talking about the things that they want to talk about.

see you all in two weeks time.

"ooooooooh child things are going to get easier, ooooooh child things'll get brighter."

---

" one morning you fell out of bed, and into the arms of the future "

---

one day you look around and nothing is the same.

your clothes are different, the skies seem a different hue, and your hands are a different shade of color. your shallow palms show an oddly changed pattern; the lines and creases enlongating all deep and crooked, like that of deeply cloven forges.

your vision is more blurry, or at least more blurred that you remember it being, and you smell of sleep. what happened? what the hey are you doing with your life, that the changes are so noticable.

one day you reach for your shoes, and find out that somehow you don't wear velcro sneakers anymore. you don't tie laces anymore, because all of your shoes have shiny buckles on them; each pair glistens in the radiant sheen of pearl-black lustre.

then, you hear the ringing coos of a lulling voice eminating like a melodic phantom, out from the restroom. it's like a mythical songbird has flown into your home on gilded wings, and rested in the body of some ethereal being.

she calls your name, and you begin to wonder where your comic books went. somewhere someone is whispering secrets into the ears of their lover. somewhere someone is smiling and eating freshly-squeezed guava juice. somewhere you exist in the memories of anothers' experiences.

welcome to tomorrow; the day is new and the sunshine is bright and solar-yellow.

one day you realize you have made it into the future, and it looks like everything is going to be alright.

---

" and you have to know what's it all worth "

---

i held her hands loosely
with a gentle grasp
in the nights' humid dark.

she doesn'speak
out loud
but i know she's asking herself,

"how long will i stay?"


there in the distance,
i can see the hurdles
set before me.

it seems as if
all of these "things;"
ideas, people, traffic, time, distance, language...
are in the way all the time
and there's no way around them.


if i were her,
and i could see that
there were all of these things inbetween
me and a new relationship,
i would have to know

what's it all worth.


and she stays with me
in spite of these
occurences and obstacles.

you have to give people credit
when credit is due;
at least that's what i hear.

she held my hands loosely
with a gentle grasp
in the nights' humid dark.

---

" waiting, and then more waiting, and then you're late "

---

you know when your watch is working correctly, and yet you still check it every fourty seconds? what's that all about?

the human response is one to look out for. it's like we know when certain things are going to happen; even having a sixth sense about some of them.

but what about all the times when human error or a car crash, or a flash flood gets in the way? what then? it's like there is no real need for a watch, or time, or any form of cataloging of periods of time passing.

because if there exists things beyond our timely control that affect these schedules and such, then why need a watch? life would certainly be less stressful, or more stressful.

all of these random words brought to you by me, who today forgot my watch when i went out.

---

" chun ja bpai Pattaya, bpai tum mai, kor mai roo "

---

the sounds of near shores gently
lick the insides of my ears.

the looming night envelops the fleeting day, and the rain falls lovingly onto the earth below.

a far off digitally filtered siren
coos into my welcoming ears,

but instead of hearing her
in her true nature,
she's being filtered through a cellular phone.

the voice on the other end
beckons me to come out to the beach,
to swim, to be with her.

and what can i do,
but tell her that i miss her, and there's a 23% chance i can see her tomorrow?

life is funny that way.

---

" yay for tonight"

---

it's just past midnight, and i've had a normal day. there are two men in the streets fighting outside the office and it's raining hard.

now one of them is sleeping or passed out in the road, and one other one is mumbling while sitting and moving back and forth. it's quite the fearsome sight.

i think i'll just leave that alone and go to sleep.

everyday if you don't learn or see something that forwards your experience here, it just hasn't been a complete day has it?

---

" gimme a K to the C y'all "

---

you start to learn about beauty in the moment; the lights will dim to a warm red, and the people will be smiling all around you.

“real life” they will call it, and you might believe them. but you cannot.

the smell of cinders and cinammon will entice surely, but it’s not your turn yet.

you will start to walk away from them, the others, and begin on a path that leads to multiple unknowns. there will be special things to see on this path, and the road may be long.

you will be tested before many days have passed. tested on your wisdom, your ability to judge situations with clarity, and also on your strength of character.

all of the days before this one, has been a version of these truer tests awaiting you. and can you really be ready for whatever is to be? i say rather than worry or fret thus, remember who you were, be content with who you are now, and just allow the “you to be” to arrive at the due time.

but,

I see in you the old soul of the world; it beams through you with an everlasting warmth.

I know that you’ll be fine, and though the rest of your life will be filled with all sorts of experiences, loves, losses, and random activities,

the days will wane in the echoing wake of your engaging steps.

---

" what do you do when the inequalities of the entire universe finds themselves sitting squarely upon your shoulders? "

---

your boss is yelling at you; it sounds like a mother scolding you as a six year-old.

you start to realize that your heart is racing.

the blood is rushing to your face and you feel like your brain is going to explode; soon enough there is going to be a considerably odd popping noise, and your friends will find you lying on the floor peaceful as a baby lamb.

all of your muscles flex with a taut tension(much like that of a father finding you underneath his daughter's bed in nothing but a stuffed animal to cover yourself...for shame...that kind of tension) and you can feel your moral sense of social awareness crossing the threshold.

what do you do then really?

take a breather? run around in a circle until nothing matters? yell at everyone until you pass out? climb up a tree and freefall the 12 feet to the ground?

or do you sit quietly at take this verbal punishment, and nod and say nothing at all, and resume the status quo?

or do you do the work, tune out, and ask questions at random? i do.

like this:

if someone invented a machine or device, or has a magic stone which has within its powers, the ability to stop time...when you have stopped time and everything in the known univers ceases to a halt; nothing breathes, moves, grows, dies, sleeps, thinks, and everything else you need the concept of passing time to accomplish, what is the weather going to be like?

i mean, there is nothing moving. and if nothing is moving, how does the air go into your lungs? and what about this magical something allows you to exist out of this stopped time moment? who said you are exempt from being a part of this frozen moment?

being frustrated and mad is really bad for the emotional part of your body, but it's for some reason really good for daydreaming and question-asking.

to state an old saying: "don't worry, cry yourself and your big head to sleep."

---

" fried eggs and... "

---

so there's something nice about being able to buy breafast, lunch, and dinner for one dollar and fifty cents.

you get really fat.

meaning, when you have that sort of access to foods this good, it's only natural that your waistline will expand.

your belly will increase and your arms will gain some girth. you'll find it hard to breathe properly and your face will be noticably sweatier. smell eminating from your body will instill inquiries from your fellow peers. you will fel tired after 3 steps, and the doorways in your life will seemingly decrease in size, and your clothes magically grow to mumu-proportions. and although you'll feel sort of bad, and maybe a little guilty, it's okay, because everyone loves a jolly man.

but you'll be happy, because you bought your breakfast lunch and dinner for a buck fifty.

--

" poppin' fresh y'all "

---

and you start to think to yourself, "this girl is just swell."

i don't know that i have anything to give, but my word. when your word becomes your most tangible quality, you have to start to ask yourself if you are a strong enough person to be 'that' for her.

gotta be strong, patient, and a person who can be trusted.

all of these things bring into the realm of the real, a sort of daily test of what sort of person you are. it's great to think that someone can believe in you so much.

it's like i have found an anchor at last.

i have no clue what to do though, except be myself, and hope that is enough. she is so rad, and i think that this could be...something. we talk every day, and she speaks sweetly to me telephonically; the sound of her voice is enough to soothe any frustrations i've had in my day of work.

but, at the same time i am fairly realistic about this relationship, and its strange and beloved as of now attributes.

it knocks me off of my feet every day, and i beam from the inside out.

so whatever this may or may not be, it seems to be going oddly okay for now, and that's just dandy.

---

" traveling with no maps at all "

---

there are a total of 76 provinces in thailand. i intend to see everyone of them. this year i am going to be working with this contest (via the show i wotrk with), and it's their intention to travel to each of the provinces in all of the country.

that's sort of rad.

now instead of going crazy in the office every day, i'll be outside, in the world, interacting with literally every sort of people in thailand. what a crazy opportunity.

life is now about these changes and shifts, and how one can learn to predict these minor sways, and ride them through. it's about the transfer of responsibility, the need to be silent at times, and the need to communicate ideologies to others.

last night i sat out on my balcony for a long time overlooking the local bankokian skyline; the nights' black-blue musty humidity was light up fantastically by the illuminating shards of lightning which crackled in an elegant naturalistic craculature. it was a moving experience i a very real way.

how long am i really going to be here for? what about apple? what'll happen when i want to leave this job? where will i go?

and even though these questions hold water, nevertheless i try not to live for the future; i need to live for the moment, or else there will be no future for me here.

you're looking down the path, and you can see if filled with obstacles (sound familiar?). you see these things on the path which will test the strength of your character, and the quality of your being. you are walking down this path which never ends, and you are ready to encounter anything that comes your way. and even though your eyes might be unsure at times, your heart is attentive and open.

---

" a short path to happines "

---

Dayday1550: i saw, faren 9/11, nopolean dynamite, coffee and cigaretts
Dayday1550: me too
Dayday1550: kill bill 2
weederman23: damn, like all the ones i want to see!
weederman23: go see "the saddest music in the world" and "the five obstructions"
Dayday1550: napolean dynamite was off the chain
weederman23: those are supposed to be rad
weederman23: i heard it was crazy
Dayday1550: ROBOT STORIES
weederman23: ooooooh
Dayday1550: best movie of the year
weederman23: i wanted to see that hella bad
Dayday1550: so good
Dayday1550: you would LOVE it
weederman23: the US version of that is going to be the crappy remake of the stepford wives
Dayday1550: there are so many asian people in it
weederman23: i love robots and robot stories
weederman23: i love me some asian people

it's true...it's all true..

---

" a stranger to thyself "

---

ever feel yourself blending in with your surroundings?

a sweet silence echos throughout your body,
and all of a sudden you are gone.

as if you never existed there;
as if all the things that you interacted with,
just fell to the wayside,

and forgot about you

ever speaking a word.

you become a ghostly emination of a person that once was;

a phantom.
a memory.

a forgotten phrase
on the lips of the people
who once loved you.


the sense of quietly lingering in a moment

manifests itself before you,
and you’re not quite sure

how to feel,
or how to react,

or what will happen next.


but then again, what is it all worth,

this time,
your life,

if not for taking a few quiet moments of reflection

and just become a momentary stranger
with yourself
where you are right now?

what have you got to give?

---

" and all at once, you realize what the score is "

---

these sumptuous things

we call the morsels

of our so-called

love lives

provide such a rich delectable
spread of emotional consumption.

affection, questioning, trust

love, contentment, happiness

raging jealousies, silent midnighted blisses

and whichever of these feelings you happen to tap into, it can change in a split second.

it can consume your whole day.

it can render you powerless and empty,

or gently rock you to sleep in it's periwinkle arms.


it's funny how one word can change your whole day around, and how one whisper can knock you off your feet. i just think that's swell.

---