" humdingers a-plenty "

---

these are three books that are on my list of book yet to read. i am usually more of a commuter-set-aside-some-time-on-the-afternoon-or-maybe-late-at-night-when-everything-is-still sort of reader.

i miss leafing through a thick story laden with great writing, and at this point i'm yearning to languish in a good read. for some reason that sounded really nerdy. surprise surprise.

i'm always in between four books at the same time, and since i've been i bangkok, i have only read 'alice in wonderland,' 'through the looking glass,' and most recently 'the color purple.' which is almost fine.

there's something about the ready availability of literary consumption that i miss; something to do with the access to materials and the engrained knowledge of local bookstore locations.

i believe i have already hinted to a few close friends about sending me some copies of these books along with a photographic care-package, but there's no pressure. somehow, just reading the reviews, blurbs and friends' word-of-mouthness is enough for the moment.

plus, it's always a big added bonus when the design job is just superb; the cover layout and photography, the weight of the paperbacks, the serrated leafy pages, the smell of paper, the binding, the hand-made grocery brown bag cover with slim cardboarding for support. it's all gravy.

tonight's homework:

curl up with a good one tonight be it fact, fiction, or just a solid graphic novel(which totally count). if you need help picking something out, i'm sure i could suggest something.

special thanks to laurel, mira, kasia, and all of my fellow bookworms.

---

men of tomorrow

the curious incident of the dog in the night-time

the time traveler's wife

- (c) baystar 2005 -

---

" i punch you in my mind "

---

go unforgivably lacking young new englander americans in thailand!

hey, you fleeting sense of decency. i've just known about your existence not 10 minutes, and already i'm ready to lacerate your throat open and tear your innards out through your exposed windpipe.

shut up, just shut the fuck up. don't you realize all of the things that are coming out of you sounds like audio garbage? your brain patterns are just a flat line.

the scrabble pieces are spilling out of your open mouth, and form nothing but a pile of wooden blocks; senseless and meaningless.

maybe it's in the fact that you have no clue what an ass you are. maybe it's the fact that you bring that american sensibility with you wherever you go; devoid of calm, devoid of quiet and respect.

you lack all that is necessary to actually let your Self go and actually begin to learn, absorb, understand, and communicate with the wide world surrounding your tiny bubble of a reality.

i should pity you, but the fact that with each growing second you commit your own character assassination does the universe justice, and there is balance if not only until you utter your next attempted sentence.

---

" miff "

---

today i did absolutely nothing, of which i attribute to the heat.

---

" misconception interception "

---

1:20am, and all's strange in bangkok.

so yeah, i have no clue what just happened, but it was interesting...at least, i think it was:

---

AngelsChild132: hey its Carissa... have fun at lunch!!! lol
weederman23: huh?
weederman23: lunch?
weederman23: carissa?
AngelsChild132: i thought u were eating with Ashley
weederman23: i have no cluewho ashley is
weederman23: but that's nice of you
AngelsChild132: what are u doing?
weederman23: working
weederman23: i don't think i am who you think i am
AngelsChild132: i dont think so either
weederman23: hmmm
weederman23: this is awkward and interesting at the same time
AngelsChild132: what??
weederman23: well, should i know you?
AngelsChild132: who is this?
weederman23: my name's bay
weederman23: i'm guessing you're carissa?
weederman23: ...hi?
AngelsChild132: hi? is this Mike Weeders Screen name??
weederman23: mike weeders...
weederman23: mmm, no
AngelsChild132: come on yes it is...
weederman23: i really wish it were, because i don't have a clue what to say to you
weederman23: although i'm sure you think it's mike
weederman23: but it's not
weederman23: sorry
AngelsChild132: he just gave it to me
weederman23: he gave you this screen name?
AngelsChild132: yeah
weederman23: yeah, i don't know what to tell you
AngelsChild132: oh im sorry...
weederman23: i just don't know if i know you enough to mislead you
weederman23: no no
weederman23: it's no one's fault
weederman23: just funny is all
AngelsChild132: yeah it is bc ur name is one number off of his
AngelsChild132: i am so sorry!
weederman23: no need
AngelsChild132: how old are you?
weederman23: i am 25
weederman23: i'm guessing also that you are not from california
AngelsChild132: nope
AngelsChild132: Im from Ohio
weederman23: yeah, you see, this is getting interesting
AngelsChild132: lol
weederman23: do you know of gillian welch?
AngelsChild132: no
weederman23: she has a great song called "miss ohio"
weederman23: you should check it out. beautifull stuff
AngelsChild132: oh ok
weederman23: i mean in general. as a suggestion
AngelsChild132: yeah i will
weederman23: you might as well get something for this conversation of sorts
AngelsChild132: hehe i am so sorry
weederman23: do you dig on bluegrass?
AngelsChild132: depends
weederman23: well, more modern bluegrass, maybe
weederman23: of the "o'brother" variety?
weederman23: and then again more like mountain music
AngelsChild132: not too familiar with it
weederman23 (1:15:49): well gillian welch is really good
weederman23 (1:16:00): not a bad place to just see if you do like it
weederman23 (1:16:34): although she's not really traditional beyond the arrangements and such, but without knowing you at all, i would recommend it
AngelsChild132 (1:16:46): thanks!
weederman23 (1:16:53): anytime
weederman23 (1:17:04): well, this time, guessing there's no next time
AngelsChild132 (1:17:51): i dont know... but I have to go... I am sorry about the confusion! I will talk to you later
AngelsChild132 (1:17:55): bye!
weederman23 (1:17:56): okay
weederman23 (1:18:01): have a good lunch
AngelsChild132 (1:18:07): i will!!
weederman23 (1:18:11): hope you find your intended friend
AngelsChild132 (1:18:11): lol
AngelsChild132 (1:18:15): thanks I did
weederman23 (1:18:22): nice, and nice to sort of meet you
weederman23 (1:18:24): bye
AngelsChild132 (1:18:26): bye

---

thanks for the departure form my version of reality today carissa, i hope you find your friend mike.

here's her website:

http://www.xanga.com/AngelsChile132

---

" my head is all fuzzy in more than one way"

---

three things not in anyways connected, other than the fact that it's me:

1) i got a weird haircut last night.

2) i just have a vivid dream not 30 seconds ago

3) in my spare time i'm reading the novel "the color purple" by alice walker.

now, there's something about getting a haircut: like samson, perhaps i not only lost some of my earthly powers, but also some of my status. and lo and behold, today i am unusually spent and my brain has been on a lunch-break since yesterday.

the cut is self-described as a modern take on the 80's skater-cut, but with less hanging locks and more short shaved sides with a fade. it looks silly, but then again, have i ever had a 'normal' haircut since i was 12? i think not. ask anyone that's known me for that long. it's just a long string of off-kilter cuts, for the most part self-administered.

i have no regrets.

ok the dream: i was going to a movie theatre that i have been to many times in my dreams. although this time, they moved this massive cineplex/stadium to bangkok, and not only that, but it now is in the slimmest alleyway ever. very strange. how do they ever get the doors open, if they only open out, and the alleyway is so constricted?

stranger things have happened in my dreams. in any case, i was going into the movie, following a very very lucid re-encounter with the real-life memory of an afternoon i had with my ex...which is odd in of itself.

i was rushing into the dimmed theater, and the curtains were billowing and red. the usher said hi to me, and as i turned, i noticed that it was a friend of mine. i wanted to ask him so many questions, but couldn't get it out because the movie was beginning. with all of these questions on my mind, i entered the theater confused and displaced, then woke up.

the burning sensation on the heel of my left foot signified that indeed i had received a mosquito bit. so now, not only am i all confused in my waked state, i also can't forget the dream and the fact that there's a mosquito bit on my heel. when looking at the time passed, i was asleep for about two minutes.

finally: the 'color purple' is a very very engaging book published in 1982. i have a xeroxed copy of the book from Thammasat University in bangkok, and have been reading a few letters a day for the past months or so. if you haven't read this book, get up on that.

written entirely in letters-written-to-god form, we are left to experience every since happening through the descriptions of a woman who's life is hard, sad, and completely absorbing. the bulk of the passages speak to the feelings of being contained, owned, misused, maltreated, and demeaned.

there are however, moments of true and blissful freedom scattered throughout, and those usually come in the form of simple discoveries and thoughts. they are the most powerful things about reading this book.

thus, below i am ending today's odd-duck post with a particularly touching passage (located on page 68-70 of the 2001 edition published and bound in great britain by cox & wyman ltd, reading, berkshire), which speaks louder than all of the other painful passages, in that there seems to be an open door for every thousand closed, and that her happiness is perpetually short-lived.

"

Dear God,

Now we all know she going sometime soon, they sleep together at night. Not every night, from Friday to Monday.

He go down to Harpo's to watch her sing. And just to look at her. Then way late they come home. hey giggle and they talk and they rassle until morning. Then go to bed until it time for her to get ready to go back to work.

First time it happen, it was an accident. Feeling just carried them away. That what Shug say. He don't say nothing.

She ast me, Tell me the truth, she say, do you mind if Albert sleep with me?

I think, I don't care who Albert sleep with. But I don't say that.

I say, You might git big again.
She say, Naw, not with my sponge and all.
You still love him, I ast.
She say, I got what you call a passion for him. If I was ever going to have a husband he'd a been it. But he weak, she say. Can't make up his mind what he want. And from what you tell me he a bully. Some things I love about him though, she say. He smell right to me. He so little, He make me laugh.

You like to sleep with him? I ast.
Yeah, Celie, she say, I have to confess, I just love it. Don't you?

Naw, I say. Mr. ____ can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain't there. He never know the difference. Never ast me how I feel, nothing. Just do his business, get off, go to sleep.

She start to laugh. Do his business, she say. Do his business. Why you, Miss Celie. You make it sound like he going to the toilet on you.

That what it feel like. I say.
She stop laughing.
You never enjoy it at all? she ast, puzzle. Not even with your children daddy?
Never, I say.
Why Miss Celie, she say, you still a virgin.
What? I ast.

Listen, she say, right down there in your pussy is a little button that gits real hot when you do you know what with somebody. It gits hotter and hotter and then it melt. That the good part. But other parts good too, she say. Lot of sucking go on, here and there, she say. Lot of finger and tongue work.

Button? Finger and tongue? My face hot enough to melt itself.

She say, Here, take this mirror and go look at yourself down there, I bet you never seen it have you?

Naw.
And I bet Albert never been down there either.
I felt him, I say.
I stand there with the mirror.

She say, What, too shame even to go off and look at yourself? And you look so cute too, she say, laughing. All dressed up for Harpo's, smelling good and everything, but scared to look at your own pussy.

You come with me while I look, I say.
And us run off to my room like two little prankish girls.
You guard the door, I say.
She giggle. Okay, she say. Nobody coming. Coast clear.

I lie back on the bed and haul up my dress. Yank down my bloomers. Stick the looking glass tween my legs. Ugh. All that hair. Then my pussy lips be balck. Then inside look like a wet rose.

It a lot prettier than you thought, ain't it? she say from the door.

It mine, I say. Where the button?
Right near the top, she say. The part that stick out a little.

I look at her and touch it with my finger. A little shiver go through me. Nothing much. But just enough to tell me this the right button to mash. Maybe.

She say, While you looking, look at your titties too. I haul up my dress and look at my titties. Think bout my babies sucking them. Remember the little shiver I felt then too. Sometimes a big Shiver. Best part about having babies was the feeding 'em.

Albert and Harpo coming, she say. And I yank up my drawers and yank down my dress. I feel like us been doing something wrong.

I don't care if you sleep with him, I say.
And she take me at my word.
I take me at my word too.

But when I hear them together all I can do is pull the quilt over my head and finger my little button and titties and cry.

"

---

" alright, if you say so "

---

the reality of a new haircut, is that if you get a short haircut, it doesn't make your head look 'slimmer.' in fact it does the complete opposite 47% of the time i fathom.

your neck will seem more layered, the skin on your face a bit thicker. no amount of trying to position your head at any number of angles, or suck in the sides of your cheekfat in that subtle fishface style will come close to creating the illusion that your body has indeed gained mass.

with that said, my haircut once again is short and strange; a rare mix between a businessman and gary oldman's zorg character from the fifth element. it's perplexing to why i try at all to cut it properly.

that and i guess i'm fat-ter, because the lady that cut my hair felt the need to mention it. so there's that.

---

" you have no clue who i am, except that you might...maybe "

---

exerpts in the vein of passing through the looking glass; you always think that you know yourself best, and for the most part i would say that's true, but what happens when someone you know totally deconstructs the crap outta you, and you feel as if the little man behind the green cutain is not wearing his pants? it's sort of strange is all.

[disclaimer: all of these things were said, but who knows how much of it i actually edited out. meaning, in light of the truthful nature of the chat posted below, just know that we are actually friends, and not some weird people who wandered into an online chatroom or something equally boring.]

---

weederman23 (11:25:13): i think that in a past life i met you picking berries in the woods, but you ran away, because i was dragging a stump tied with a cord

Daffie26 (11:25:29): this is rue.
Daffie26 (11:25:44): true. because....I'M DAPHNE THE WILD UNATTAINABLE NYMPH

weederman23 (11:26:02): that's okay, as long as i can take your picture every once in a while
weederman23 (11:26:20): cause i don't want to have you, i just want to be able to sit next to you at moments
weederman23 (11:26:22): is all

Daffie26 (11:27:02): that's a warm thought.

weederman23 (11:27:14): and true

Daffie26 (11:27:33): thank you for sharing it

weederman23 (11:27:43): sure, it's yours to have

Daffie26 (11:27:46): you are sitting in a rollley chair BACKWARDS

weederman23 (11:27:49): you can put it in your pocket
weederman23 (11:27:56): so rollypoly
weederman23 (11:28:00): i am
weederman23 (11:28:18): like a bad kid in an 80's brat-pack flick

Daffie26 (11:28:23): I GOTTA SNEEZE

weederman23 (11:28:25): bless you
weederman23 (11:28:33): it looked good though

Daffie26 (11:28:45): THE SNEEZE?

weederman23 (11:28:56): yes
weederman23 (11:29:03): you're yelling at me and it's okay

Daffie26 (11:29:07): thanks
Daffie26 (11:29:27): i always yell. because i can't help but use CAPS

weederman23 (11:29:40): caps
weederman23 (11:29:41): yes
weederman23 (11:29:45): i understand

Daffie26 (11:30:13): well.
Daffie26 (11:30:18): i think it's getting to be that time.

weederman23 (11:30:21): i think that i am about to be in trouble too
weederman23 (11:30:23): so yes

Daffie26 (11:30:29): be good.
Daffie26 (11:30:31): and hi

weederman23 (11:30:31): but i am on MSN chatty chat thing
weederman23 (11:30:35): hi
weederman23 (11:30:47): now that i;ve seen your face, how can i work?

Daffie26 (11:31:08): I DON'T KNOW.

weederman23 (11:31:19): well, i'll just have to deal i suppose

Daffie26 (11:31:36): i suppose
Daffie26 (11:31:55): bye Mr. Laurel

weederman23 (11:32:04): byebye
weederman23 (11:32:26): oh god don't play with your hair
weederman23 (11:32:40): do you want me not to do any work today at all?
weederman23 (11:32:51): it's too much and not enough at all

affie26 (11:33:11): oh bay. you love the idea of being teased

weederman23 (11:33:40): this is very not new news
weederman23 (11:33:41): but yes
weederman23 (11:34:00): and i'm not a complete asshole about it, because there's no goal in it
weederman23 (11:34:03): it's true
weederman23 (11:34:32): it makes me somewhat boring i suspect

Daffie26 (11:34:41): boring?

weederman23 (11:34:51): because i'm so content in just studying someone

Daffie26 (11:35:13): this is true of you and many of your subjects
Daffie26 (11:35:21): you know what I FIGURED YOU OUT!
Daffie26 (11:35:31): ready?

weederman23 (11:35:33): you did?
weederman23 (11:35:36): oh do tell

Daffie26 (11:35:46): think about the art you do
Daffie26 (11:35:46): but think about what you want

weederman23 (11:36:04): want through art or in general
weederman23 (11:36:06): ?

Daffie26 (11:36:27): what you secretly want is someone to study you!? no. that doesn't sound right.
Daffie26 (11:36:55): photography and film is capture the experience
Daffie26 (11:37:00): or creating an experience..

weederman23 (11:37:07): mmhmm

Daffie26 (11:37:14): okay.

weederman23 (11:37:30): oh...
weederman23 (11:37:33): is there more?
weederman23 (11:37:34): ?

Daffie26 (11:37:43): you as a person must be able to step back and look at the big picture while simultaneously zooming in at the details
Daffie26 (11:37:53): you are keeping yourself out of your own life frame!!!!
Daffie26 (11:38:21): this is why you are an artist

weederman23 (11:38:24): i will not deny that some of what you portend to state about me may or may not be true

Daffie26 (11:38:28): and this is why your art is so GOOD.
Daffie26 (11:38:32): hahaha

weederman23 (11:38:36): i
weederman23 (11:38:50): i enjoy allowing people to be themselves in front of me

Daffie26 (11:39:19): but you don't let yourself in the frame. this is why your art is not pretentious because it's real art. you are keeping yourself outside.

weederman23 (11:39:26): and in that way my work is a celebration of that quality in my subjects
weederman23 (11:40:03): there has to be a physical distance, but the intimacy goes deeper and well beyond everything that everyone thinks of me or my work

Daffie26 (11:40:19): but a part of you, the part that wants "more" wants the subjects to celebrate you

weederman23 (11:40:37): mmmm
weederman23 (11:40:43): i suppose maybe

Daffie26 (11:40:48): love for you might be someone who wants to frame you artistically and study you, the way you eat, and laugh and sleep

weederman23 (11:40:59): it's more of a recognition thing for me ingeneral
weederman23 (11:41:09): i love the small details
weederman23 (11:41:40): just to know that someone understands my intent perhaps is enough for the work environment

Daffie26 (11:41:48): this is true
Daffie26 (11:42:09): but I'm talking about your approach to love is similar perhaps to your approach to art

weederman23 (11:42:14): and it's that it usually extends beyond that session for me, where i have a hard time dealing with 'reality' in all of it's blazing glory

Daffie26 (11:42:19): and that my friend is over-analyzing

weederman23 (11:42:26): yeah

Daffie26 (11:42:27): (me not you)

weederman23 (11:42:31): oh
weederman23 (11:42:33): no
weederman23 (11:42:35): it's valid
weederman23 (11:42:49): i love to be deconstructed, because i put myself through it every other thought
weederman23 (11:42:51): it's fine
weederman23 (11:43:10): and if anyone, at least someone i know who knows something about me

Daffie26 (11:43:32): no i think I just simplified something very complex to very simplistic forms that are unfair to the complete person you are.

weederman23 (11:44:27): well, for the sake of our communique, i believe that you are riding a wide line, and that ain't all bad
weederman23 (11:44:44): makes the turning easier

Daffie26 (11:44:52): riding a wide line...i'm not familiar with that expression

weederman23 (11:44:55): no need to regret statements made
weederman23 (11:45:22): well if you're in trouble or "out of line" you're "riding a thin line" or "skating on thin ice"

Daffie26 (11:45:27): okay. i just did not want to devalue your art or your love. i just think there may be a connection
Daffie26 (11:45:30): got it!

weederman23 (11:45:38): so i just reclaimed that and yeah..you have
weederman23 (11:45:51): oh i definitely know the connection

Daffie26 (11:45:51): Bay.
Daffie26 (11:46:02): you are a marvelous human being.

weederman23 (11:46:05): maybe i haven't really written it out in so many words before
weederman23 (11:46:09): a-thank you

Daffie26 (11:46:19): be good to yourself in that pink shirt and baseball cap
Daffie26 (11:46:33): cha cha cha

weederman23 (11:46:35): and you are one of the lovliest unattainable subject friend wood nymphs that i know
weederman23 (11:46:43): i will
weederman23 (11:46:53): i'll be online if you get sick of homework
weederman23 (11:46:56): hah

Daffie26 (11:46:57): great.
Daffie26 (11:46:58): thanks
Daffie26 (11:47:01): bye Bay

weederman23 (11:47:04): yup
weederman23 (11:47:05): peas

Daffie26 is away at 11:47:24.

---

" happy trails "

---

it's 1:11am. i took a shower outside like a camper or a vagrant last night. the bkk international film festival ended officially today. cinematic withdrawl ensues. life is bob-bob-bobbing along.

tomorrow morning, in five or so hours, dylan is going back home. it's true. his (first[?]) pan-asian adventure is coming to a head. so it begs the question:

what the hell am i going to do now?

before he got here, it was all struggles with mental blocks, language barrierness, and the daily frustration with having to interact with co-workers and people who are good people, but who do not know you inside and out.

and for a month there, he brought to me the sweet cool drink of sanity that i so desperately needed. what the hell am i going to drink now? what, i ask?

and now it's just going to go back to that. maybe. it's true that at this point i've nearly tripled my vocabulary and conversational skills, but still there exists much to learn yet.

no pressure or anything, no. none at all. and he laughs into himself with a furiously nervous energy clutching his shirt to his open mouth; his eyes as wide as the known galaxy and his stare just as distant.

but yay for dylan, and yay going home home. it's all out there waiting for you to encounter it. good luck, and tell me all about it when you get there, because until they finally release the copyright on star trek beaming transporter units, i suppose chatting and mail will have to suffice.

big up my friend, and big up albany.

---

" i am unsure if this is a good thing, except that it is, and i am "

---

two reviews on the second-to-last official night of the 3rd bangkok international film festival, one long and one shorter

---

january 23 - cafe lumiere (kiho jiko), 6:00pm, siam theatre, siam, bangkok *****

beautiful beautiful beautiful. homage to Ozu and a stand alone visual treat in all of it's simplicity.

the words slip though my lips over and over while the end credits begin to scroll, hushed only by the fact that i cannot stop beaming from ear to ear. the mind resonates with the focus on the slight, on the in between, on the world surrounding, on the moments, on the details, on the movements, and the passage.

this film introduced to us a main character that has no problem making decisions, a storyline that had no defining question to ask, and no sense of a wrap-up. and yet i left completely satisfied. somewhere in there was the search for something, but these searches served only as the mcguffin's to the structure presented. the whole time, i surmise people were thinking about what was going to happen, instead of watching what was happening.

you never really get close to the character, or she is not presented as a person that you have to feel emotionally bad for, thus no overwhelming sense of sentiment, or drama, or loss. and yet the film was captivating and alluring. the absence of one defining plot to drive the 'story' forward was exactly what this film was about; real life does not have just one drive, one purpose only, or one explanation.

some viewers sighed in instant disapproval when i asked them how they liked it, if they liked it at all, and they said that nothing happened. i don't mean to say that the characters lack motivation or that they are displaced; in fact i feel that they are exactly where they need to be.

90% of the shots are medium shots. we see our character in one major (maybe two if you can count it) close-up shot(s), and even that was a from-behind-at-an-angle shot. and it's beautiful. i believe that you're not supposed to necessarily be too attached top these characters, just be willing to walk alongside them; because of the lack of any heavy brooding looming dramatic weight, we are free to be completely content in following this woman through the little tasks of normal everyday life.

although i do understand it if a normal movie-goer leaves a little disappointed. after being asked to actively encounter so many backs of people, and/or pay attention to faces, movement, and the 'audio soundtrack of reality,' what can one do but question everything out of confusion. and all of that would be normal and valid too.

a film that comes to mind is "la fille suele (a single girl)." the film is cut in real-time, and we gain knowledge and access to the main character by becoming privy to all of the in-between moments in one of her days. it's utterly fascinating to some, and boring to a 'T' for others. and that's fair; at that point, it's almost what ever floats your boat. this film is of that style.

the film is confident in letting the audience make relevant the things that you desire to be relevant, and this brings the film an enigmatic grace to it. it's full of trains, broad pans from left to right and vice versa, lovingly subtle jump cuts, cafe sit-downs, shots of people's backs, zoom lens-induced short focal distances, and a flurry of long cuts. all done and edited with a patient sense of storytelling which really tests what sort of viewer some people are.

the interactions are beautifully played and do not contain ego, narcissism, or any of the binding facets of actors who know that "they got the goods/are the shiz." the characters are just themselves, and that allows the story to be absorbed without having to doubt or second-guess. this is perhaps the most defining quality of the players that adds to the enjoyment; we can be happy that there are instances where the characters just eat, or walk, or stand together in shared silences, or sip hot milk, or take pictures, or simple pleasures like rides on trains.

a note on destiny:

i was destined to see, experience, and love this film. it's true. four things.

1. first of all, i wasn't supposed to see it in the first place; i bought the ticket on a whim due to some to-be free time.

2. i've been planning this intricate production-wise simple to experience super train shot for about five years, and it was in the movie. ahhhh! cool!

3. i love trains. not in that "oooh when i was 6, i got a train set and now that i'm older, i'm a train aficionado." no. rather, i find comfort that trains exist. they transport people and things to distant places. it has a history that echoes. train tracks are surprisingly comforting; the lines all intermingling as if binding everything together with seams of welded steel. this film celebrated trains in a voyeuristic way, then let's you in and onboard. that's hot.

4. two years ago i had a dream that was in completely in thai, which included me seeing someone putting some cooked potato pieces into the bowl of another's, and that exchange happened in the film. no waaay!? so way.

needless to say, it's a rad piece. you sometimes come to these moments where you have to ask whether or not it ("it" meaning the drive to achieve a dream) is all worth it. and watching this film in a small yet significant way, reaffirms that desire.

---

january 23 - bad education, 3:00pm, siam theatre, siam, bangkok ***

if you don't know the works of pedro almodovar, then you are welcome to start here. it won't be as fun or as rewarding if you haven't seen his earlier stuff, but the joy is there.

who else can give you sweet cinematic packages such as transvestite revenge plots, comical interludes in fellatio scenes, fleecing of the church's lack of morality, and a smattering of drug use all in the first twenty minutes?

well, okay, so you already have compiled a long list of movies which fit this description, but it won't have been this movie, and therefore it is null.

there is a succulent plot that redefines itself no less than three times, wonderfully used musical undertones, and brilliant cinematography. it's not the best almodovar, but it does convey that he is still able to create great films without being repetitive or lazy.

because i lack the skill to review any movie properly, i would say that to see these movies would be enough to come up with your own opinion. but to say that this movie is a stand-alone prime example of an almodovar, would do all of his other works a great injustice.

---

tonight's homework:

go out and watch or rent a movie that interests you and give that film your full attention. give it a chance. don't just bring yourself and your opinions to the film, but actively let yourself go, as if you are viewing the film fresh and unaware of previous films made by the makers/players. then email me a review.

[golden_buddha23 (at) hotmail (dot) com]

i hope to find that there are a large quantity of great cinematic works still yet to be discovered and shared. it's either that, or just to know that i'm not the only one who reads this blog.

---

" notes on 'a good woman' "

---

january 22 - a good woman, 3:00pm, EGV Metropolis, bangkok **

let me start off by saying that this is movie is shot beautifully. the light is motivated and natural without seeming over-used or underwhelming. it photographs lushly without the softness, and crisply without the constriction of proscenium composition. it looks spectacular from open to close.

that said, the movie to me is a beautifully-lit, lushly-photographed piece of cardboard-story. not quite cookie cut-out, but perhaps too sweet for my tastes. it is filled with jealousies that are not developed into a real genuine rage, woody and blocky dialogue, and scenes clearly defined by brash statements or convenient exchanges, double entendres and witticisms.

the language then, is so meticulously constructed and specific in its intentions, that it's hard to wrap a good performance around the words. there are a bevy of classical characters: doddy widows with tiny dogs, old rich british bachelors, gossipy women, young couples in (or out or in or out) of love, the friend of the husband that has that "look" in his eye full of charm for the wife. the list goes on and on.

then there are the liminal characters. people introduced for those one or two-liners, that go nowhere! it's like talking to a four year-old on the inner-workings of the astrophysical properties of dark matter. there's no point to it, unless you just want to have a go at it purely for spectacle. and they almost work against the the film, because they're so much more intereresting than the pricipals...which is not good.

helen hunt is always great, but is so overly miscast in this role. this doesn't mean that she didn't step up, no. in fact i think everyone wanted to do good in the film, but the visuals are so much more emphasized than the acting credibility. it was like watching her try too hard to grasp a role that a director didn't explain well enough.

and she did this (maybe period/30's) thing with her voice/dialect, where it would swoop and whoop upwards at the end, as if continuously asking questions and hitting that mid-plane of a low female falsetto. it was irksome and unlike her usual brassy tones.

then scarlett. young, beautiful, talented to a point as everyone, and jeebus did the words not come for this performance. again the direction fell though for her (and also for the wooden toddler that was her husband) in this piece. you talk about love, and you don't really convey it? those beautiful shots of tears and streaked faces only do me good, if i can believe you, and although she was striking with that hairstyle and those everythings she gots, i was underwhelmed and remained unconvinced of anything but a costume party.

not to shit entirely on this production, because it was enjoyable. the story wasn't bad, just done in "such a way. " the best moments were those british cut-out bachelors who were constantly creating conversations by being civil and yet, cutting into their friends. it's funny, because these characters use wit and language to create what i like to call "the funny." and it was exactly that for a smattering of brief moments throughout.

i would've just given the movie only one star, but later on i read in the end credits (how come nobody stays for the credits?? how rude) the the film was based off of an oscar wilde play/story. the entire audience in my brain collectively goes "ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i get why!" and of course it is after the fact, and altogether too late.

---

" the words describing why i'm scared at night "

---

in light of certain doom for the rest of the world, i've highlighted the words or phrases that really describe the pre-emptive nature of mr. bush little's "hay-merica" himself, and make me raise my eyebrow, cringe in horror, or pee in my skivvies. everything he says is poison from his lips, and it's not as if he is stating bad things for the most part, it's just that they (were written for him) said by him in the guise of goodwill. we are being mislead, and each sentence spoken makes me fear for my return to the states in a very real vibrant manner.

---

Vice President Cheney, Mr. Chief Justice, President Carter, President Bush, President Clinton, members of the United States Congress, reverend, clergy, distinguished guests, fellow citizens

-- (applause) --

on this day prescribed by law and marked by ceremony, we celebrate the durable wisdom of our Constitution and recall the deep commitments that unite our country. I am grateful for the honor of this hour, mindful of the consequential times in which we live, and determined to fulfill the oath that I have sworn and you have witnessed.

At this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use, but by the history we have seen together. For a half a century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders. After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical. And then there came a day of fire.

We have seen our vulnerability, and we have seen its deepest source. For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny, prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder, violence will gather and multiply in destructive power and cross the most defended borders and raise a mortal threat.

There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment, and expose the pretensions of tyrants, and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant, and that is the force of human freedom. (Cheers, applause.)

We are led by events and common sense to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. (Applause.)

The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world. (Cheers, applause.)

America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs are now one. From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this earth has rights and dignity and matchless value because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and earth. (Cheers, applause.)

Across the generations, we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government because no one is fit to be a master and no one deserves to be a slave. (Applause.)

Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation. It is the honorable achievement of our fathers. Now it is the urgent requirement of our nation's security and the calling of our time. So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world. (Applause.)

This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary. Freedom by its nature must be chosen and defended by citizens and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. And when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may reflect customs and traditions very different from our own.

America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling. Our goal, instead, is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom, and make their own way.

The great objective of ending tyranny is the concentrated work of generations. The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. (Cheers, applause.)

America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause. (Cheers, applause.)

My most solemn duty is to protect this nation and its people from further attacks and emerging threats. Some have unwisely chosen to test America's resolve and have found it firm. (Cheers, applause.)

We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation, the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. (Cheers, applause.)

America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude, or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies. We will encourage reform in other governments by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people. (Applause.)

America's belief in human dignity will guide our policies. Yet rights must be more than the grudging concessions of dictators. They are secured by free dissent and the participation of the governed. In the long run, there is no justice without freedom and there can be no human rights without human liberty. (Cheers, applause.)

Some I know have questioned the global appeal of liberty, though this time in history -- four decades defined by the swiftest advance of freedom ever seen -- is an odd time for doubt.

Americans, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals.

Eventually the call of freedom comes to every mind and every soul. We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. (Applause.) Liberty will come to those who love it.

Today America speaks anew to the peoples of the world. All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know the United States will not ignore your oppression or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty we will stand with you. (Applause.)

Democratic reformers facing repression, prison or exile can know: America sees you for who you are, the future leaders of your free country. The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe, as Abraham Lincoln did, those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves, and under the rule of a just God cannot long retain it.

The leaders of governments with long habits of control need to know to serve your people, you must learn to trust them. Start on this journey of progress and justice, and America will walk at your side. (Applause.)

And all the allies of the United States can know we honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help. Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies. The concerted effort of free nations to promote democracy is a prelude to our enemies' defeat.

Today I also speak anew to my fellow citizens. From all of you I have asked patience in the hard task of securing America, which you have granted in good measure. Our country has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill and would be dishonorable to abandon. Yet, because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom. (Cheers, applause.)

And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it. By our efforts we have lit a fire as well, a fire in the minds of men. It warms those who feel its power; it burns those who fight its progress. And one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world. (Cheers, applause.)

A few Americans have accepted the hardest duties in this cause -- in the quiet work of intelligence and diplomacy, the idealistic work of helping raise up free governments, the dangerous and necessary work of fighting our enemies.

Some have shown their devotion to our country in deaths that honored their whole lives, and we will always honor their names and their sacrifice. (Applause.)

All Americans have witnessed this idealism, and some for the first time. I ask our youngest citizens to believe the evidence of your eyes. You have seen duty and allegiance in the determined faces of our soldiers. You have seen that life is fragile and evil is real and courage triumphs. Make the choice to serve in a cause larger than your wants, larger than yourself, and in your days you will add not just to the wealth of our country, but to its character. (Cheers, applause.)

America has need of idealism and courage because we have essential work at home.
In a world moving toward liberty, we are determined to show the meaning and promise of liberty.

In America's ideal of freedom, citizens find the dignity and security of economic independence instead of laboring on the edge of subsistence. This is the broader definition of liberty that motivated the Homestead Act, the Social Security Act and the GI Bill of Rights. And now we will extend this vision by reforming great institutions to serve the needs of our time.

To give every American a stake in the promise and future of our country, we will bring the highest standards to our schools and build an ownership society. (Applause.) We will widen the ownership of homes and businesses, retirement savings and health insurance, preparing our people for the challenges of life in a free society.

By making every citizen an agent of his or her own destiny we will give our fellow Americans greater freedom from want and fear and make our society more prosperous and just and equal. (Applause.)

In America's ideal of freedom, the public interest depends on private character, on integrity and tolerance toward others and the rule of conscience in our own lives.

Self-government relies, in the end, on the governing of the self. That edifice of character is built in families, supported by communities with standards, and sustained in our nation life by the truths of Sinai, the sermon on the mount, the words of the Koran, and the varied faiths of our people. Americans move forward in every generation by reaffirming all that is good and true that came before, ideals of justice and conduct that are the same yesterday, today and forever. (Cheers, applause.)

In America's ideal of freedom, the exercise of rights is ennobled by service and mercy and a heart for the weak. Liberty for all does not mean independence from one another. Our nation relies on men and women who look after a neighbor and surround the lost with love. Americans, at our best, value the life we see in one another, and must always remember that even the unwanted have worth. (Cheers, applause.)

And our country must abandon all the habits of racism because we cannot carry the message of freedom and the baggage of bigotry at the same time. (Cheers, applause.)

From the perspective of a single day, including this day of dedication, the issues and questions before our country are many. From the viewpoint of centuries, the questions that come to us are narrowed and few. Did our generation advance the cause of freedom, and did our character bring credit to that cause?

These questions that judge us also unite us because Americans of every party and background, Americans, by choice and by birth, are bound to one another in the cause of freedom.
We have known divisions, which must be healed to move forward in great purposes. And I will strive in good faith to heal them. Yet those divisions do not define America.

We felt the unity and fellowship of our nation when freedom came under attack and our response came like a single hand over a single heart. And we can feel that same unity and pride whenever America acts for good and the victims of disaster are given hope, and the unjust encounter justice, and the captives are set free. (Cheers, applause.)

We go forward with complete confidence in the eventual triumph of freedom, not because history runs on the wheels of inevitability; it is human choices that move events. Not because we consider ourselves a chosen nation; God moves and chooses as He wills. We have confidence because freedom is the permanent hope of mankind, the hunger in dark places, the longing of the soul.

When our Founders declared a new order of the ages, when soldiers died in wave upon wave for a union based on liberty, when citizens marched in peaceful outrage under the banner "Freedom Now," they were acting on an ancient hope that is meant to be fulfilled.
History has an ebb and flow of justice, but history also has a visible direction set by liberty and the author of liberty. (Cheers, applause.)

When the Declaration of Independence was first read in public and the Liberty Bell was sounded in celebration, a witness said it rang as if it meant something. In our time, it means something still. America, in this young century, proclaims liberty throughout all the world and to all the inhabitants thereof. (Cheers, applause.)

Renewed in our strength, tested but not weary, we are ready for the greatest achievements in the history of freedom. (Cheers, applause.)

May God bless you, and may he watch over the United States of America. (Cheers, applause.)

---

" endless longing and desire "

---

fill in the blank for me.

love, life, lovelife, semblance of normalcy tuned to my frequency, someone, something, maybe everything, maybe nothing can ever finish the statement.

there's something about looking inside yourself, seeing all of the weaknesses, residing in the deep core of your being. it's about knowing these weaknesses and working actively on facing them and excising them from your Self.

loneliness resounding in swirling revolutions, all-encompassing, throughout, in and through me, savage thoughts of loss. hopelessness amid smiles, and the inability to get to that place again. just the inability to rise above the level. so hard. returns to former days. regression. clutching onto everything that begs for release.

the irreplaceable memories of being calm in her life, and now being to the side and the friend. the friend, a friend, a perpetual friend to everyone. an ambiguous undesirable sexless conduit for advice, charm, truth, love, and devotion. and i cannot help myself but to be those things; permeable and water-soluble.

intense deconstruction. looking inside, outside, up and to the right, anywhere for something to help decipher this experience. it's maddening at times and completely overwhelming.

yet, always results in an intense calm. a relaxation like the deepest sleep. the sort of slumber that mountains have had, that the ocean floor has had, the quiet in the deepest thicket that the forests have had; infinitely vast and strong in their wide silence.

---

" sub-liminal tension and maxillary oddities "

---

dream segments are weirdfunstrange sometimes:


i'm holding her,
loosely and by the waist,

as our bodies lay parallel covered by the wide spread
of large blue bedsheets.

the sun is coming in through the window and hit my eyes
all soft and calm.

she smiles with the most beautiful
curl in her bottom lip;

her smooth flanks offset my rough hands.

sub-liminal surface tension


i feel a pinch in my mouth,
near to the root of my #6 bicuspid;

the tooth becomes loose and i tap on it
like a rapping upon a tin sheet.

the tooth releases into my hand transparent as a lie;

i am confused and i do not let her know.

my #28 molar falls out the same;
just the enamel shells remaining,

fragile and small.

in my shallow palms, they lay exposed and cupped;
hollow and quiet, discarded seashells.

maxillary oddities


i can see as she
flips over, the

low musculature ripple
of an abdominal quiver.

she smiles into my soul.

i'm tracing the line of her
torso down to her belly with

just the soft of my fingertip.
outside, through the panes of frosted glass

there are autumn leaves dancing
in the wispy arms of a subdued gale.

---

" h. hughes "

---

january 19 - the aviator, 8:30pm, major ratchayothin, bangkok***

i mean, like, can leonardo dicaprio look bad just for one day ever at all? the man is gorgeous. even in a scene when his character, a mr. howard hughes is in a complete and lacerated painful recovery in a hospital, there are these glittering baby blues sparkling among the silver granulature.

aside from his physical traits, he puts his all into this picture, and i don't mean just the executive producer credit. he lurches, he's confident, he's weak at times, he's mad, he's really quite affecting. it's hard not to see the drive in this character; he lives life like there's nothing around the bend but has the innate compacity to foresee the future of aviation technology as if a seer.

this is the second martin s. flick with leo in it, and it's a great story. it's a bio-epic and very 'period' in a good way. definitely enjoyed this one three-fold more than gangs of new york (although one cannot pretend that daniel day lewis owned the shit out of bill the butcher, which means that he was the only thing that resonated).

the story is magnetic and you cannot help but be amazed at the sheer amount of relevant aviation history within the film. i love a good movie with all of the details of certain things that i may have known snippets of, then in a completely entertaining form, is flushed out right before your eyes. those are just fun movies.

when i was 8 years old or so, my parents took me and my brother to visit the spruce goose and the queen mary. i cannot remember all of the details of being at those two vessels, save the memory of the sheer size of it. it was a version of large, that i hadn't yet experienced, and i clearly remember feeling very small next to the invention of man for a long while.

tonight's homework:

already knowing that this movie has won some accolades doesn't take any of it's strength away, so i recommend it as a great afternoon thing to do. so take a friend and afterwards, go eat some cheesecake, cause it's never a bad time for cheesecake. especially when you have a movie theatre buddy to go with.

---

" sweet or dill, it all smells vaguely of brine "

---

you know those times when you feel like you're in one of those movies where you're the character that has been sort of maybe voluntarily duped into some pickle of a dastardly plan of malintent, and that you have to get through these intricately-detailed plans of action in order to clear your good name or whatever, but the point is that you can't tell anyone that you know about the plan, or gain the trust of anyone you know or love about your problem, because it might do them harm and you can't have anyone you love's blood on your hands because it would be hell to live with that sense of overwhelming guilt, although by the beginning of the third act one of your loved ones is going to die horribly by some unnecessarily over-the-top contraption involving fishingline, a slugnut, a bottlecap, and a toothpick?

i sorta feel like that when i can't explain to anyone what specifically i do here at my job, or why i can't find my way out of this office. all of that is how i feel almost all the time. it's true.

except for the people close to my dying of MacGyver-type contraptions. so, don't be afraid to talk to me.

---

" the day off "

---

you know what's nice? not having to work.

not that i have any qualms about hunkering down and getting-to-it-jack. it's just that when the "hunkering in question" becomes an unstoppable barrage of time-consuming nuisances, one has to make the decision to either remain calm and be patient, or go absolutely frickin' nuts in the other direction.

so, to have such a day as a day-off, a once-in-a-blue-moon event of sorts, you sort of have to go for it right?

right. so i did, and lemme tell you what, it was frickin' rad.

sweetnsourseabassforbreakfastJJshoppingnessturnedinto
uninspirednessgobacktotheofficethengotoSiamtogettickets
fortheBKKinternationalfilmfestivalwhichwasrad,anyways
wethenhungoutandwenttoMKwhichisasukiyakispotand
cleanedhousebeforegoingtoseeanothermoviethisoneabout
frenchzombiesbutwithoutthenormalzombiebloodandrotting
fleshthingthenwenttochinatownandateagainuntilwewere
fullystuffedandcamebacktosleepat2amitwasgreat

---

" the real audio gold "

---

sometimes everything is as easy as it is difficult. you get into these moments of funk and just start letting loose on people caught at their unawares. it's interesting, these fits, these tantrums, these whiny moments of outburst which take us out from adulthood hurtling us back into the time of baby blankets and bottles with nipples.

it's about taking a portion of time and setting it aside to regain composure; a sense of inner-control in the flushed face of momentary insanity. i, for the past 8 months, have been increasingly keen to the need for proper music.

a good song can take you out of certain depression, increase a paralleled sense of despair, hold the body of your mind within it's velvety tones, or allow you to rock all the way the hell out, until your body aches in that satisfyingly sore fashion. and, it is very important that the music be good.

this is saying and acknowledging that the term "good music" has a wide definition, encompassing all different genres of music and even some without a genre, but it must be good. with a vague and seemingly anal interpretation of what good music is, i finally have some good music .

i now have in my possession, a large collection of cd's that "do it" for me. they give me most everything that i need in those times when i feel like i'm ready to scream at children, throttle a sloth, or run in circles cursing and swearing until i pass out.

i'm just reminding those few of you that read this whatever it is this is thing, that music is very very necessary for daily audio consumption. to be able to pick out something and just slide right into it fully and completely, as if in a bath of beats and notation; the key changes seeping into your pores below the sky, and the roof over your head, and the outside world. sinking deep below the melodic harmonic surface, and surrounded by the universe.

---

" it's 2:38am on january 14th, and i feel fancy "

---

if life is a parade, i feel like the snoopy blimp.

...

i have no idea what that's supposed to mean, but i'm sure it's in there somewhere.

---

" this train is bound for glory "

---

oh it's on now. i mean, not like it wasn't on before. it's just so on. bring it.

i feel like i'm past hitting the stride; the gears are lubricated and i'm reeling. i am going to leave this office. i am.

i am going to leave here because i must. isn't it funny, meaning messed up, that you feel attached to the people you work with, and maybe won't actually leave, because you worry that you are abandoning them in a swirl of craziness? thoughts turn to their potential facial expressions as i take those steps out of the door.

but it must be done. i find that the time spent here is mildly rewarding on a work level; i get challenged, but are they the right sort of challenges? only in the wide sense of production, yes. but there's so much more to do, more ground to cover, more things to be done yet.

my feet are firmly planted in these notions of occupational escape, and the plans are laid. there is no doubt, unless there is, that i will leave here. somehow i feel like i am at a fork in the road, but not the fun kind where both of them lead forward or both have an apple turnover at the end near the hypothetical cul du sac. no.

this one is a fork where one path leads forward in a curve, and the other just is wide and spread to an obvious plain where you can see everything laid out before you. i find that it is very clear that i am drawn to see what's around the bend.

---

" street food backlash "

---

i say god damn them noodles were good. but a few hours later, my stomach is so mad at me in the most fierce way. churning, gurgling, bubbling, evils from deep within wreaking havoc in gastric cavities.

pains. the ebb of a wave of hurt in the lower parts of my digestive tract anatomy. immediately i think of imodium a-d, and how many of these tiny blue pills am i going to have to take in the horrid succession of my body not working proper-like.

up until now, it's the next day already, and the count is up to 6.

so hey, even if food is great at the time, always remember that you are only human, cause hey, it's only funny until it's you, and you have no access to a bathroom while on a shoot. life is always full of these humbling moments of biological humility.

i just wish that i had four stomachs like a cow, so that when one went sour, i could have some backups. apparently i am not a cow, and i've been doing a lot of reading lately in that not-fun way. this in itself is pretty funny.

at least i think it is.

---

" sometimes, waking up is worth it "

---

CAPRICORN : Jan 11 - CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

An interesting turn of events will occur with respect to how you earn your living. Times are changing and so are you, so don't settle for a position that is leading nowhere. 3 stars

---

" one aspect in the art of waiting "

---

over 500 mosquito bites after returning to thailand, it'll have been all worth it.

the thai pop music filling my head with predictably repetitive sweet recorded confections, the pollution filling my pores with a near-undetectable layer of grime, the lack of free time, the heavy and unscheduled workload, and the frustration of never knowing when my 'room' might be utilized for a changing closet.

my brother is coming from america soon, to hopefully bring with him some much-needed items. what they might be, who could know? not that i wrote him a list of stuff in every email sent. except that i did.

all i would ask of him, is to come take me away from this...this, this "____ness." this describes anything other than what this is.

that and some socks. ooh or good music? please? anything other than audio poo with sugar on top of it. ooh some nyquil maybe. and on and on and on until the voices in my head don't speak in syrupy droops and tweets.

---

" temple sojourn to scala "

---

nine temples in five hours on a temple quest for spiritual fulfillment.

is or is not as fun as it sounds. the answer?

is.

temples in chronological order, spiritual benefits of specific temples/shrines + some highlights:

1. wat pra kaew - the royal grand palace: increased luck/financial success

- let's say you're a tourist and you have a week in BKK. whatcha gonna do? hit up temples and floating markets and street food oh my. the grand palace houses the famed emerald buddha. it's the big green one, yeah. it's hard not to be completely overwhelmed by the size of the grounds. nong golf and i made our minds up that we could finish visiting these planned nine temples if we had enough faith in ourselves and our abilities.

2. sam lak muang - the city pillar shrine: increased stability/luck, control, calmness in life

3. wat pho - temple of the reclining buddha: calmness in life

- after making merit, i overheard some foreign tourists saying that they wanted to look at the feet of this enormous buddha statue. they walked along the side of the statue to the end and looked at the mother-of-pearl inlaid glyphs like bush monkeys trying to grasp the concept of interstellar exploration. it was an interesting sight to behold for sure, but did they really have to look all crazy and distant? maybe. in any case it's always interesting living, however briefly, through someone else's experience. it also made the trip a tinge more interesting.

4. wat suthat thep wararam- taat temple: beauty in life increases, positive outlook on life

5. san chao por sua- chinese tiger shrine: increased confidence and a strong sense of Self

- this temple has so many devotees visiting, that the inside of the main area looks like the building is on fire. large tabled plump with flower garlands, trays of offerings, eggs, rice, pork, oil. we also bought sacks of oranges to offer, but when the time comes, you have to hand all of these items to a person who will bless them for you, before handing back to you the oranges. my eyes felt like some boyscouts had thrown ash into them and giggled away into the dark woods.

6. wat bavorn nives vora maha vihan - bavorn temple: safety, protection against dangers

7. wat chana songkram - chana songkram temple: overcoming life's obstacles, success

8. wat rakang kohsitaram - rakang temple: receiving recognition, releasing bitterness

- we took a 2-baht ferry across the chao praya river, i still had a sack of oranges and they looked silly in my hands. i felt like i should just eat them all, but there was no place to put the peel and seeds. at this temple you have to speak a very specific chant or prayer. the walkway leading up to the entrance of this temple is lined with water-bound beings of many different fish and crustacean manifestations. the pint is to release them back into the river, in order to make merit. releasing a living being in order to release the things inside you that you hold onto. it's hard not to cringe inside when you see a lot of baby turtles in a bucket of low water, but knowing that they will be released make that feeling less prominent.

9. wat arun/wat jang - temple of dawn: changing all bad aspects into good turning a 180

- the temple of dawn looms high and steep over your head. we were very tired and exhausted at this point, but somehow we had enough energy to get through our physical pains. it was a beautiful end to our temple trip. we rode back to the pier on motorcycle taxis and took the ferry across the chao praya river. nong golf looked at me when the ferry was setting off, and said "hey, we made it." and we so did! the deep orange glow of a fading sun gently dipping past the horizon.

- it's difficult to comprehend the complete sense of calm in your body when you make merit at least just one time, let alone 9 consecutive times. it's a feeling of complete bliss; an empowerment which courses through your veins and uplifts and breathes a new positive life into every problem you may have had or will encounter. the act of making merit is somehow overshadowed by this sense of empowerment. you walk forth from such an experience feeling whole. feeling content. feeling free and looking to bettering everything in the universe.

---

january 8 - birth, 6:30pm, scala theatre, siam, bangkok****

you talk about a "complete," and how that sort of a piece entails that all the aspects of a piece be so well put-together, that you as a viewer are a witness to that magnetic quality which is the complete movie-watching experience.

birth is not the movie i thought it would be. it has these really moments of intense fascination with people's reactions. there are tight close-ups and lot's of faces. you can see what the characters are thinking about or trying to figure out and who can't help but be enthralled in that sort of lovely storytelling?

it's spellboundingly well done, and you find yourself actually actively thinking while you're watching it. this alone is a sign of a good production. the use of music when juxtaposed against the imagery is splendid as well as slightly "internal soundtracky." can i say that?

with me forgetting that word i learned at school about off-screen/on-screen sounds, the audio people have paralleded the emotional quality of the music in such a way that you are actually feeling the blood course through the characters; conveying pain, longing, engaging the Self, lurid, intensely calm, festering, frustrations exposed, and the abandonment of the spirit.

it's a lovely well-made piece of film. there are quiet moments that really cling to the entire plain of the body; your skin pulls taut and the muscles clench and release all in beautiful syncopation. i love to watch movies like this. they let the players and the story push itself along without spoon-feeding anything but the slightest of details here and there; bread crumbs inlaid to lure hansel and gretel to the house in the woods. i left the theater surprised and affected in a great way.

---

" wan dek (children's day)" or " happy endings "

---

you're waking up to an alarm which has been set for 5:45 in the morning. the lights are all out and lampposts dimly light the glorified alleyways. there are few cars scraping the dirt paths. blurs of dogs confuse the employees of a streetside food stall; birds are mad to be awake but they do their thing.

you're stuck in a mass of people. there are seemingly endless little fingers grasping at parents' shirts; rows of giddy feet tucked into little squeaking shoes run rampant without a clear course. there's a booth to the right where a bunch of female dancers who are quite fit and fitted, are preparing to do a little musical skit with a child star. you can't help but stare at the brilliantly angled costumes with the bodies slipping into them with beautiful complicity; the cut of knee-high boots looking spectacular. you're wondering if it's so wrong to be staring thus, and thinking these thoughts on children's day.

you're heading to shoot some DV footage in a supersupermarket; the entire place smells faintly of prepared bakery goods and deep-fried delicacies. some managers look at you thinking to themselves, "i wonder if he's allowed to be here?" you're wearing a pink shirt which is the uniform, and you're thinking, "i wonder if i really am attached to this job at all?"

you're fuming in the brain and it's beginning to show in the flush of your body. seethingly frustrated thoughts paralleling interstellar galaxies exploding, are all setting off in the gray matter between your hot ears. you have altogether no intention to return to the office on your day off to do some menial trivialities for your boss, but you do anyways because you're chicken shit.

you're walking out of the theatre. there weren't many people but you enjoyed yourself. both you and your friend dylan were both pleasantly surprised at how much National Treasure didn't suck, despite all of the obvious Disneyisms inherent all over the production. also oddly enough, you're thinking to yourself that history, if distributed to the public in a subtle general way, could secretly learn all them peoples some knowledge n a really entertaining way.

you're watching this tiny girl screaming her head off in writhingly empowering performance ecstasy. her bandmates are in the throes of rock n' roll bliss; the slow scintillating disco balls' reflected lights clashing rhythm-wise, with their exhilarated pace. from bottom to top, she has on: oversized skull motif fake hi-top cons/bubblegums, just under knee-high horizontal striped socks [which are hot(!!)], pleated ruffled skirt which covers as well as uncovers and comes to mid-thigh, salmon pink muted boatneck top with the excess material bunched at the torso which create puffy shoulders, hair done up in two buns which are loose and lovely. you're trying hard not to stare, but you are transfixed and are planning to take some photos, if only you could find the strength to lift your camera to your face while standing hypnotized by the visual blessing that is this wiggling screaming rockhardy grrl.

you're sitting with the most random people in a muslim restaurant named sherarizad. you're trying hard not to take into the fact that everyone is hella loud in tone, and that everyone is looking at your table and its loudness, but you can horridly justify it with the collective consumption of alcohol and the food which arrives which is tops. to your right sits the most peculiar person ever; the stuff coming out of his mouth is randomly baffling and you're trying to decide if it's interesting or 3am-babbling; he has in his possesion a lighter that has a little blue light-up plane flying into a design of the twin towers. you know it's horridly wrong, but there's something fascinating about even the concept of such an item existing, of which you cannot ignore. for some dumb-ass reason you cannot stop listing all of the stupid shit you can think of, that has anything to do with england whether specific or broad in its cultural relevance. the two brits at the table don't really seem to mind, but you can't help feeling that they have tiny daggers in their eyes with your name on them, poised and awaiting the right moment.

---

" quarter-century boy "

---

the lights beckoned his eyes open. there was a faint tune playing in the far distance somewhere and the lights danced upon his heavy lids.

he picked up the flip top chain and answered it. talking ensued, and decisions were concluded.

"6:00am is too early for anyone to be turning 25," he thought to himself; all the thoughts of dreamery now muddled in the groggy nuisances of awaked reality.

stuffing the small machine underneath his pillow, he switched off everything and fell back, deeply asleep.

---

another year has gone by. not that this is a new thing; every day a year has gone by. this is not exciting or special or significant, other than this is my birth day's new year which has come full circle.

twenty-five. 25. 1/4 of a hundred. too young to be famous, too old to have wasted so many minutes. i dislike being 25 already, maybe. and yet, there's not a thing i can do.

the butt-end of the calendar year always bring in the loose succession of celebratory events: dad's birthday, christmas, new year's, then my birthday. a stacked line of dominos lined up and falling on top of one another, each one with it carries a special moment within it, but ultimately ends up at me getting older. which is okay i suppose.

and each year, it's the same sensation. i barely start to own the fact that i am whatever age i was, when "shazaboom," sorry, you waited too long sir, you must move along no. shoo now.

maybe if i had someone to hug daily, it'd at least be like something more than the days are passing. something more than the earth turning on its axis forward through time; inevitable and unconstrictable. there's something about just staying asleep, that is so much more inviting as a possible celebration of such a day.

and yet, here i be.

in bangkok, scathingly single, and freshly 25; a few hours old reborn into a beautiful world awaiting my interactions. it looks to be a very good year, hopes brimming on the surface. i have no clue what sort of oyster it would be, but if this is my new world, it's some variation of the ole cliche. and it'd be best grilled in its own juices with a spicy mushroom tomato sauce with a twist of lime.

it's always interesting choosing which leg of the path i shall go with eyes transfixed, on into the indiscriminate futur; these collected days sinking behind, wandering into the thicket of better days ahead.

---

he sits at his computer typing his life away in short descriptive sentences. every thought, teeming in the hot cup of his steaming mind swirls, flourishing with colorful patterns and indescribable dream-tapestries.

he looks down into his being and feels a gaping hollow; the soft tropical breeze blows through with a silent howl. the night grows longer with its shadowed fingers stretching into every quiet crevice; the soft glow of glimmering lights fluttering ceaselessly, through the cracks of his wavering fingertips.

---

" stuff this "

---

you know that annoying thing about having a stuffed-up nose?

you know, it's all pluggy and jammed with an unknown something; the walls of the inner nasal cavities shut tight, a seal of mucilage crustifying while a mysterious trickle emanates from an unknown crack.

apparently liquid can leak out, but no small amount of air can pass the threshold.

you try to clear the buildup of pressure in your head by plugging closed your nostril with a clutching pinch. only one ear is cleared.

you continue to try and get the hearing evened out and it never works.

nyquil is not working, you're sort of miserable but not enough to be any measure of depressed.

outside the world passes by, sunny an uninterested.

sigh*

---

" the folly of doubt "

---

i think that at our weakest points, therein lies a strength with which to exploit.

so, go for it.

---

" looking glass intentions "

---

it's taken me four days to begin the task of really finding it within myself to go ahead with a good deconstruction.

i look and prod and search for those defining traits within me, the ones which help make me complete and interactive with the universe around me, and the list comes up short and hollow.

it's going to be fine


amid the destruction of last week, it's hard not to feel selfish in these trite daily series of systematic reflection, which seems more socio-cultural fluff, than actually convincing me that they're worth the time or second glance. and perhaps i am wrong.

so, i stop short of berating myself for existing, and just merely browse daily snippets of odd bouts of untimely pride and out-of-left-field moments of simple pleasing clarity.

we'll find each other


is it enough to just let those who can do the most for those who can't, go ahead and take on those by-the-second challenges, while i figure my thing out? i believe so.

it's knowing that it is not unselfish to not be able to help. to acknowledge those situations and occurrences while silmultaneously validating that there is pain resounding throughout the region; brief moments of hope and optimism littered throughout existent chaos.

amid these fleeting moments.

- (c) baystar 2005 -

although it looks horrid, this time we are all sharing here,

we, as a species, will be okay.

i thusly will decline to post further death-toll count updates, out of repect for the people who did not survive the tsunami.

---

excerpt:

"...the juxtaposition of tourists on the beach where thousands died a week ago was odd, as was watching relatively normal beach activities while knowing hundreds of thousands elsewhere were in desperate need of aid." (cnn.com)

---

" the coming of tomorrow, today and in every day which follows"

---

i'm sitting in my office at my desk, on this the first day of 'real work,' of the new year.

i'm halfway through bear-garden's second album, "mercy killing," totally lost in the tonal-experimentality of their particular brand of music, and i suddenly realize two things:

1. i love a wide spectrum of really strange music and that most people either hold me up to a light, transparent and open, or completely and utterly don't understand a thing about me or my real intentions/motivations, maybe.

2. the fact that i keep regular a blog, means that i in essence, am prolonging the exact same nightly practice as doogie howser - m.d.; this does not sit well to know that i am a latter-day neil patrick-harris, but on the flip it is f-ing hilarious. i smile then sink my head into my arms.

3. i rarely keep my promise on a predeterminate amount of length, when defining the number of items on my lists, um, unless i do. there's always just too much to say; i cannot help myself.

---

" if it's a new year you want, well a-ring-a-ding-ding "

---

here it is, just ahead in front of you and leaning a little to your right.

go for it. you can see it walking slowly away, and it's up to you to take that quickened pace to meet it at the heels.

---

the things i did on my first last-day-off of the new year:

- woke up early

- blinked myself silly, then slept in late

- went to the nearby temple to pay respects and with the tsunami victims all well

- took pictures at the train tracks

- went to see "party monster" at houserama on RCA (it gets two stars for effort)

- donated some of my monthly salary to the tsunami relief fund here in bangkok

- met up with nong golf at lido theatre in siam

- tried the rest of the day to keep her crying steadily so that she'd realize that the boyfriend who finally had the balls to break up with her for the umpteenth time was a good thing

- ate japanese food for helllla cheap

- bought "the adventures of iron pussy" on dvdvd

- came back, kicked off my kicks, and realized that no matter how cheap the socks at market, never buy polyblend wares that will eventually go in your shoes in a tropical country, cause man, my feet be on hit somethin' fierce

tonight's homework:

pull out that game board and tear through it on a super battleship, scrabble, chess, checkers, boggle, star wars special trilogy edition monopoly super night-in fest. invite some people over and make lists of things you are going to work on changing this year, then get to it!

---

" a sense of something "

---

well over a half a day into this, new year's day, i have:

- had a dream about purchasing overpriced deli sandwiches in a convenience store in thailand and scrunching my dream-brow because it is altogether too expensive, so i dream-decide to buy a box of eskimo pies for a completely nostalgic reason; amid racks of endless factory-rejected northface bags and accessories i suddenly feel the need to wake up but not before glimpsing myself in the mirror hanging in the store and realizing that i can read backwards in a dream

- woken up to the feeling of complete nothingness and was instantly sad for those who did not have the luxury of going to sleep in a bed

- called all of my relatives in thailand to wish them a happy 2548 (cause it is the year 2548 here you know; look it up if you don't believe me, cause it's true)

- ran into a co-worker walking the streets clutching a bottle of blended import-whiskey and singing

- and saw my first thai-squirrel scampering haplessly on tiny feet along a loose fray of electrical wires, so...that has to mean something.

sawasdee bpee mai!

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