" if you had one chance to sum it all up, what would you have to say? "

---

it's the end of the year again. like i could stop it.

i would like to think that a lot of great things happened to me this year, and surely they have, but isn't it always that in the end of a year, you sort of feel like you spent too many idle moments wasting time?

i can't pin it down, but especially now, being here in bangkok and alone again, it's just as odd as it is normal. i have no clue what i expected. in fact this past year was the best in terms of setting aside time to grow as a person, an artist, and a potential filmmaker; every year always is.

there are things in the works, and even though bush is still in office, there are world-wide catastrophes at present happening, and the earth is off it's axis, one cannot help but feel the need to be oddly optimistic.

so get out there people; be good to everyone that deserves it, and spread it on thick. if you want to hit me up in bangkok, do it. i'll set you on course i will.

i know that tomorrow is going to be no different at all, except for the fact that everyone just tends to get more drunk than ever on this night.

so, in light of that, let's try and drive safe, keep our dirty fingers off of other peoples' significant others, leave the lamp shades on the lamps, try not to 'slip-the-tongue' to someone you like, but that doesn't like you just because it's new years and you're snackered (or do, what do i know?), and then we can wake up to a delicious brunch.

hmm? can we try that? this way, hopefully by the time you actually wake up, you'll be sleeping next to someone that you actually intended to wake up next to.

and now the lists i've prepared.

---

the things that happened to me this year:

[ reference daily planner; links when available ]

january 7th - i turn 24 and i hate it
january 9th - i meet a soon-to-be-a-part-of-the-corps-de-ballet ballerina and feel not quite myself
- [oddly, time passes and nothing happens] -
february 3rd - optic nerve #9 comes out, i shit a brick in the greatest way
february 7th - eat gyros with yea-ming, then catch a show at the stork club
february 12th - adrian tomine comes into my ex-work and peeps my zine, then orders a scone; i pass out discretely
february 20th - i get rejected from the NY underground international film festival by email
february 22nd - lost my ------ ring only to find it later
february 29th - march 18th - super trip to LA, not as crappy this time at all: protests against the man, telecine pick up, film done, MOCA, baskin robbins, westwood?, oo masa in japan town, thai town!!, the peak show, getting lost on the freeway, beer and scrabble, family guy dvdvd, visit ------, greg's sister, sushi, uci, cdm, swap meet supreme hotdog, burbank, nicole n' barry n doggie dog, alana, vanessa, yanez momma's cookin', christine photog, cousins and LA fam, patrick and --- roscoe's chicken and waffles, laura, shar, banjo, the long drive home alone along the i-5, cows aplenty
march 19th - saved a dog's life expecting nothing in return
march 20th - sf protest
march 30th - passed bunk traffic school test @ 100%
march 31st - button-maker mania!
april 4th - midnight merritt bakery chicken and waffles with a cuppa girls and greg
april 7th - parkway theatre w/kristen and kim, triplets of belleville
april 21st - pick up last paycheck from a cuppa tea, quit my berkeley/oaktown jobby job

april 24th - move to bangkok, thailand
may 17th - i write a short story (c)
may 21st - get a year-long visa approved to stay in thailand
june 11th - start a relat'nship with a girl named apple
june 12th - haircut at barbershop, #6 in entire life, i hate it
august 10th - i get dumped in a really shitty way, no biggie, inquiries within
august 13th - swim in the ocean @ hua hin, maids first time swimming in the sea
august 27th - visited extended family in trang province
october 28th - spent the day at a home for handicapped kids
november 2nd - vote at the U.S.embassy
november 7th - ran a 5k mini-marathon
november 16th - second haircut, i hate this one less
november 26th - loy krathong festival under the rama X bridge
december 9th - dylan comes to thailand from japan, korea, china, tibet, nepal; we lose him on arrival and then find him again, we eat 'pork waterfall with sticky rice' for dinner
december 17th/18th - meet up with sarah manson and hit the town; siam, lido shopping, green tanktop at mbk, stepmom diane, massive software steven, drinking ourselves silly, asoke bar show, bear-garden, q-bar, talking to myself in the lobby of the amari hotel clutching a bottle of indistinguishable liquor @ 4am and being okay with it, strange cell phone man talking to my left, unknown beeping sources, crazy bangkokian taxis driving in a circle, 4-person tuk-tuk ride of craziness
december 26th - i play santa at the weirdest christmas party ever, ever
december 26th - the earth takes a breath and causes the most destructive tsunami in 300 years; everything that includes selfish thought suddenly seems vastly unimportant in its wake and subsequent aftershocks
december 31st- i have no plan at all to celebrate and here i am in bangkok

- i swear some other stuff happened there in between, at least i think they did

movies i saw:

[ star scale out of 5 ]

january 1st - girl with a pearl earring, 11:30am, albany twin ****
january 4th - triplets of belleville, 1:00pm, berkeley act I/II ****
januray 9th - lord of the rings:ROTK, 10:30am, emery bay 16 ******
january 12th - touching the void, midnight, albany twin **
february 12th - 50 first dates, 9:27pm, irvine spectrum 21 ***
march17th - eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, 9:30pm, piedmont cinema ******
march18th - goodbye lenin, midnight, california theatre ***
april 7th - triplets of belleville, 10:00pm, parkway speakeasy oakland ****
june 24th - tropical malady, 2:15pm, major rachayothin, bkk ******
july 7th - spiderman 2, 9:45pm, major rachayothin, bkk ****
august 1st - i, robot, 4:15pm, sfx cinema, central ladprao, bkk *
august 2nd - the chronicles of riddick, 5:30pm, sfx cinema, central ladprao, bkk **
october 12th - beautiful boxer, night, dvd, office ****
october 18th - film festival thai shorts program, 11:00am, major egv metropolis, bkk **
november 14th - farenheit 9/11, noon, lido multiplex, siam, bkk ****
november 14th - nobody knows, 2:00pm, lido multiplex, siam, bkk *****
november 15th - ong bak, night, dvd, office ***
november 27th - last life in the universe, night, dvd, office ******
december 11th - the incredibles, 6:30pm, lido multiplex, siam, bkk *****
december 12th - blade trinity, 4:20pm, siam cinema, siam, bkk **
december 19th - ocean's twelve, 7:15pm, sfx cinema, central ladprao, bkk *

- yes, i realize some got six *'s, but they really did deserve em, honest!


tonights homework:

kick old man 2004 in the pants, and kiss baby 2005 on the forhead. but remember to put down the champagne bottle long enough to take a moment for the tsunami victims and their families, then dance a little jig at the right moment.

until next year, i said good day sir.

---

" raise your hand if this looks dumb "

---

aside from humanitarian aide, relief, a general willingness to help, and a need for a real U.S. show of heart, this is just ridiculous.

118,000 and on the rise up, coupled with the spread of disease, is too big a number to be playing games like this. you don't need to come for the press, the look of it, or the history books.

the genesis of helping the affected countries is plain and simple. send clean water and food. shelter and medicine. real help that people can use. not a sad face and a handshake. those are mere slaps in the face. think about that while you stay in the 5-star hotel that didn't fold over like a 7th grade toothpick-bridge project.

i straight kick the government collectively in the gnads, and perform a belly-punch to all of the women in office for allowing someone who can already leave, and a nittertwit to come over here. and i do it openly with my face forward.

powell: let it go. you're allowed to leave evil you yes man. i mean you come here to assess the situation!? you know the situation you dough-boy! use your last few minutes and do something good and constructive if you have it in you, you gun-toter soft-voiced, american black man in power answering to the merry whims of a madman. it's time to show the true properties of your character. i'm not glad you need to come look, but when you get here, send help. this/these countries are hurting in a way america will never understand. and get that cock of a bush outta here. just because he's the president's brother doesn't mean he has the position or experience to assess anything but oil accounts and floridian brothels. he's been through a hurricane? congratulations. what we need is for him to stay in florida and help out there. hmmm? it doesn't suprise me that this is real, but c'mon what the hell is he going to do here? give me a f-ing break; what a cock.

jeb: .............. okay well i'm done

---

link to "the hope of all of american aide"

the article:

Powell, Jeb Bush to lead U.S. team

Thursday, December 30, 2004 Posted: 6:37 PM EST (2337 GMT)

CRAWFORD, Texas (CNN) --

-- A U.S. delegation headed by Secretary of State Colin Powell and Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, brother of President George W. Bush, will travel to southern Asia Sunday to assess humanitarian needs, a White House spokesman said Thursday.

Their itinerary will be set by the State Department, deputy White House spokesman Trent Duffy told reporters.

He said President Bush had been closely monitoring the unfolding tragedy.

Reading from a statement by President Bush, Duffy said, "All Americans are shocked and saddened by the tragic loss of life and the destruction around the Indian Ocean.

"In this hour of critical need, America is joining with other nations and international organizations do everything possible to provide assistance and relief to the victims and their families."

The death toll from the tsunamis and the earthquake that triggered them on Sunday has jumped to more than 116,000, with Indonesia reporting nearly 80,000 people dead.

Bush said he is sending the delegation of experts to the region because a first-hand assessment will determine what additional help is needed.

The United States has pledged $35 million in cash assistance, and Duffy said the president is satisfied that international coalitions are coming together to address the tragedy.

Cargo aircraft, support personnel, naval units and aid shipments have been dispatched from the United States.

In explaining why Jeb Bush was chosen to make the trip, Bush's statement said, "He has extensive experience in the state of Florida with relief, rehabilitation and reconstruction efforts."

This year, Jeb Bush oversaw one of the most traumatic hurricane seasons in Florida history. The state was battered by an unprecedented four hurricanes in a single season -- Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne -- which killed more than 100 people and caused billions of dollars worth of damage.

The two-month barrage of storms triggered the nation's largest relief effort in history.

Duffy added, "He's also the president's brother, and I think it signifies the high level of importance the president puts on this delegation."

---

" international exchanges "

---

Gyða says:
I am so glad to hear you are ok

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
yeah, it's too much

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
i just checked the death toll

Gyða says:
I´ve been thinking a lot about you in this armageddon situation

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
114,000 +

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
it's too much

Gyða says:
yeah, on CNN earlyer today they said 123,000

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
one is too many

Gyða says:
yes and this is getting to be so mutch that it is becoming surreal

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
right

Gyða says:
speaking of one, my grandmother died this christmas

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
no

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
i'm so sorry gyda

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
that's so sad

Gyða says:
thank you

Gyða says:
she had been waiting to die for some years but it´s always kinda sad

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
that's harsh

Gyða says:
yeah, shed been depressed as hell forever but since our granddad died 12 years ago it rose to new levels

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
i'm sorry hun

Gyða says:
so it´s sorta like that no one will miss her terribly but we grieve for the life she didn´t live sorta

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
right

Gyða says:
and I got sick and have been spending the last few days on my parents couch, coughing and felling sorry for myself being a very sad case

Gyða says:
but now I think I´m gonna be OK

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
it does get better

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
but there is never any pressure or a rush

Gyða says:
Thailand must be in a very sad state

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
it's all about being honest with yourself and your feelings, and being in a positive supportive environment

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
it...it is

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
i would say bangkok, being both the capital and far away, is more or less unchanged in terms of the people, but perhaps it's proximity

Gyða says:
one feels stupid feeling sorry for oneself when people are experiencing such pain

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
but the nation is hurting and coming together in a very good large-scale way, like all of the other dozen or so countries that have been affected

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
i felt really helpless and small and useless

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
but after a lot of blogging, i've decided that it's not my fault at all, it's just something that happened, a natural horrific something

Gyða says:
yeah, but the only good thing about a situation like this is to see so many people come together to help out

Gyða says:
millions have been raised here in Iceland to help survivors

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
and maybe that was the hard part. the aftermath and the united states being so petty and all of the other booyah things about the policies of foreign aide

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
go iceland!

Gyða says:
yeah, you can see the real nature of people and countries, like the true priorities of the States

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
yeah, i was just so disappointed

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
very very ashamed too

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
an article i posted a clip of, said that the US is now going to double their amount to 35 million...

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
whaaa?

Gyða says:
yeah, but it´s only the government that should be ashaimed

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
then a shitload of people called them on it, and while the gov. made excuses and became all defensive, more money poured in from all over

i am alive despite a tsunami says:
it's the word and the actions of the people, and that's what makes it hopeful

Gyða says:
they look pretty pathetic when they spend like ten times more every day fighting an unarmed country than helping innocent victims of nature

---

" the '80,000 and rising' mental break: a dream and a prose distraction "

---

gotta take a break.

---

dream:

i am walking up the street that is sloping downwards. it is solano avenue and the shops are open; a warm blood-orange inviting light dances out from the open doors.

the day has become an eastbay-wintry-gray. there are her friends sitting and drinking hot chocolate which steams like a small billowing volcano on a saucer.

mariel is in the bakery with her co-workers, and they know i see them; the pastries are being set in front of the counter, and the baguettes look fresh and croustillant.

to the left, someone. an anonymous blur of a figure.

big is sitting next to me and we comment on what a strange light the sky is making. the cold blue-gray making it that much colder.

i am talking to my mom on a cell phone, telling her not to worry. "i'm doing fine, i'll call you later...okay...okay...yes?...no...bye. byeeee" she hangs up and it turns into a lead brick.

i talk to myself out loud and remind myself of the strange comicbook sale that dylan and i have recently sojourned from. i can't remember where he disappeared off to, but upon reflection, remember that this is completely normal.

------ is running across the street from my left towards my right, and the world goes fisheye on me. i see her friends giving me the sign to mess with her exercise routine in a friendly manner; their teacups multiplied and stacked teetering and full.

i yell to ------, "ruuuunnnn!" and she pauses in mid jaunt and comes to a leaning-on-one-leg standstill, before turning a brash pivot around and coming after me. she always knows my voice.

her rose-apple cheeks are flushed and her hair tied back; a few strands matted across her forehead. she is smiling, and i play along.

prose disguised:

[ a jab in the jaw ]

- i feel my entire face loosen and float to the far right, as her clenched fist, bold and solid with reasoning, travels the width of my noggin'. her hand feels like a cartoon ton.

- i can see her perfectly flawed hands in all of their radiant brown beauty. thoughts come of those strange conversations we had, when i licked the tips of her fingernails and she loved me.

- i can see the place we're standing in has gone all crooked and slack. i recall the archaeology of our relationship, the "i know it is over," over and over again, until there's nothing left in place of my collected memories but the vintage of her kiss.

- love KO'ed me with a ham-fisted blow to the skull. with my useless body splayed out on the ground like a busted marionette, i blacked out smiling and defeated.

---

" thailand tsunami information list "

---

http://www.komchadluek.net/breaking/read.php?lang=en&newsid=33302

Useful contact numbers and websites for relief assistance

Published on Dec 29 , 2004

To make donation see below this page

For calls from overseas, remember to prefix the number with the appropriate international access code.

(Thailand's country code is 66; all fixed line numbers begin with 02, all four-digit phone number are call centre services)

Centre for monitoring the Andaman Sea disaster, Government House:
02 282 6680, 02 282 6681 and 02 280 3000 ext 8290

Public Health Ministry's Narenthorn Centre: 1669
Centre for public disaster, Interior Ministry: 1784, 02 241 7457 to 9

A list of the injured and dead is available at www. narenthorn.or.th and at www.disaster.go.th

You can identify the dead or search for your losing relatives at www.phuketitcity.com

Many links to useful websites at http://www.onethailand.com/

-----

List of names of islands: 1362

Aid centre, Trang: 07 521 7513, 07 521 4382
Aid centre, Satun: 01 370 0404, 09 979 1077, 07 472 2121 to 2, 07 472 2296

Aid centre, Phuket: 07 621 7833, 07 621 6101, 07 621 1001
Aid centre, Phang Nga: 07 641 1525, 07 641 1179
Aid centre, Krabi: 07 561 1302, 07 562 4161 to 3
Aid centre, Ranong: 07 781 3401 to 3, 07 782 3257
Krabi Provincial Hall: 07 561 1381, 07 561 1055

-----

Bangkok Hospital: 02 310 3330
Suk Samran Hospital, Ranong: 07 784 4143
Kapoe Hospital, Ranong: 07 789 7016
Phuket Wachira Hospital, Phuket: 07 621 1114

For donations of articles and medications: 02 241 7498

Tourism Police: 1155
Highway Police: 1193

Tourism Authority of Thailand: 1672, 02 253 7418; website: www.tat.or.th

Communication Safety Centre: 02 280 8000, 1356
Task force operation centre, Transport Ministry: 02 283 3144
Navy task force operation centre: 02 475 4521; website: www.navy.mith/sctr/navynews

Tourism and Sports Ministry: 02 216 5440
Thai Airways International: 07 621 1195, 07 632 7194

For speedy immigration process: 07 627 3213, 07 621 3079
For travel documents to the disaster victims: 07 621 1195, 07 632 7230, 07 32-7194

Agriculture and Cooperatives Ministry: 1170, 02 281 9401, 02 281 5836

Thai Red Cross Society: 02 256 4033, 02 256 4034, 02 256 4035

-----

Below is a list of numbers for embassies in Bangkok.

Expect to hear a recorded message giving another number for the emergency duty officer.

Remember to prefix the number with the appropriate international access code.

Australia 66 2 287 2680
Belgium 66 2 679 5454
Canada 66 2 636 0540
China 66 2 245 7043 to 4
Denmark 66 2 343 1100
Finland 66 2 256 9306 to 9
France 66 2 657 5100
Germany 66 2 287 9000
India 662 2580300-5, Control Room 662 2604166
Ireland 66 638 0303
Israel 66 2 204 9200
Italy 66 2 285 4790
Japan 66 2 252 6151 to 9
Russia 09 699 0919, 04 093 5941, 07 912 1072
South Korea 66 2 247 7537 to 9
Singapore 66 2 286 2111
Sweden 66 2 263 7200
UK 66 2 305 8333
US 66 2 205 4000

-----------

Bank account details for relief aid donations

Cash and material goods donations for the victims of Sunday’s disastrous tsunami can be made at the following:

1. Royal Thai Army centre for donations (either cash or relief items): Call: 02 280-2532; 02 280-2363; 02 280-2359, 02 282-3255; 02 282-3257; or 02 280-2369, for details.

Cash donations can be made at:

Account Name: Royal Thai Army’s Fund for the Victims
Account No: 077-2-04002-8

Bank: Thai Military Bank /Royal Thai Army’s Office of the Commander Branch
To re-confirm the money transfer, please fax bank slip to 02 280-2533.

2. The Bangkok Metropolitan Administration (BMA) receives donations at Bangkok City Hall (near the Giant Swing), at district offices in the capital, and at Taksin, Lat Krabang and Sirindhorn hospitals.

Cash donations can be made at:

Account No: 027-1-44329-4

Bank: Krung Thai Bank / Khao San Road Branch

3. The Office of the Prime Minister accepts donations at:

Account Name: OPM Disaster Relief Fund
Account Number: 00-0025-20-014972-3

Bank: Government Savings Bank / Government House Branch
For further information, please call: 02 281-4130, 02 280-7690, 02 281-8573, or 02 281-8577.

4. The Disaster Prevention and Mitigation Department accepts donations at:

Account Name: Fund for Flood-Victims
Account No: 00-0006-20-014496-3

Bank: Government Savings Bank / the Interior Ministry Branch
Or call 1784 hotline number for details about cash donations, or 02 241-7495-6 for details relief item donations

-----------

The Thai Red Cross Society is appealing for Rh negative blood type. Donors can visit the Thai Red Cross on Henri Dunant Road between 8am and 7.30pm.

For further information, call: 02 256-4300; or 02 251-3111 ext. 114, 157, 161 and 162.

BNH Hospital on Sathorn Road handles donations of money, clothes (new or used), and food for the Thai Red Cross Phuket Disaster fund.

The Agriculture Ministry will send donations to victims via its patrol boats and planes. Please call: 02 281 9401 and 02 281 5836.

---

" 68,464 "

---

excerpt:

Amid the devastation, however, there were miraculous stories of survival.

In Malaysia, a 20-day-old baby was found alive on a floating mattress and was reunited with her family.

In Thailand, 2-year-old Hannes Bergstroem, who was found dazed and alone after the waves hit, was claimed by an uncle after his photograph was posted on the Internet.

The Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet reported that the boy's mother and grandmother were missing, but later media reports said he was reunited with his grandmother. His father and grandfather were believed to be in another hospital in Thailand, but their exact location and conditions were not immediately known.

A U.N. agency has said that one-third of the disaster's victims were children.

---

http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/SP169075.htm

---

it's hard not to do the "dinner-plate-eyed" staring thing into the teevee, or find yourself entranced by the horrifying hourly updates, but there are things you can do. if you can spare not to purchase that negligible something that you treat yourself with, please send it to my people over here.

the entire world can prove that as a global community, we can come together at a time of need. it doesn't have to be much, or even money, or even these particular groups. just something. there has to be a response; one other than the clicking of buttons to find out the most updated tolls.

http://www.ifrc.org/

http://www.unicef.org/index.html

http://www.doctorswithoutborders.org/index.shtml

https://secure.ga3.org/02/asia_earthquake04

http://www.worldvision.org.uk/

http://www.careinternational.org.uk/

http://www.cafod.org.uk/

https://www.americares.org/donate/?id=South%20Asia%20Earthquake%20Relief%20Fund

For information about the welfare and whereabouts of American citizens, please call 1-888-407-4747. For information about how you can provide assistance to those in need, please call the Center for Disaster Information (CIDI) at 703-276-1914 (http://www.cidi.org/) or visit http://www.usaid.gov/.

---

on the converse, lookit the US and how they prove themselves to the world:

"Secretary of State Colin Powell (news - web sites), rejecting comments from a top U.N. official that rich countries were being "stingy," said the international community may have to give billions of dollars in aid.

The United States more than doubled its pledge to $35 million. "

give me a fucking break american richest-gov- in-the-free-world! it's almost like..."ooooooooh 35 mil. i am so fucking impressed that this is the amount you can scrounge up for the decimated asian countries. i sarcastically thank you, you asshole bastards. you spend XXXX billion on kiling people on your 'missions of freedom,' and then say that you're doubling the "effort" up to 35 mil.? send that shit over, you after-the-fact so-called leaders of civilization, and do me a small favor and fuck the fuck off. if you're going to make a difference, do it. private citizanes have more cash than that in their piggy banks.

bill gates alone could be the greatest savior ever and just donate his funds. these are human beings man! not commodoties to be shifted and tendered to. hey bush, wipe the smirk off; just because you think you won again, doesn't excuse the fact that you are an evil evil little man. you can't redeem yourself in my eyes ever, but you can give your useless salary to all of the affected countries.

while you're eating steak tonight, think about the thousands that have absolutely nothing at all. don't half-ass it by throwing us your couch change. thank you, you beasts.

---

excerpt:

In Thailand, where thousands of tourists were enjoying a Christmas break to escape the northern winter, many of the country's paradise resorts were turned into graveyards.

In a French-run hotel at Khao Lak, up to half the 415 guests were believed killed. A reporter from France's Europe 1 radio said many bodies had been found in their rooms.

---

excerpt:

The stench of decomposing corpses spread over the provincial capital, Banda Aceh, where fresh water, food and fuel were in short supply. Bodies lay scattered in the streets.

---

" 26,000 "

---

it's hard to even imagine 26,000 lives gone. surely it happens everyday and geographically spread out wide; the information invalid for a proper shock due to the variety of reasons and distances between.

when i think about all of the families that are affected, it just breaks my heart. of course there has to be casualties, and of course there are people who are safe, but there is the entire gray area emerging also.

there are reports of thai officials not warning people in time, in an attempt to keep tourist compacity at 100%. there were stories emerging from america where scientists had time to warn, but had no numbers to call or a specific person to alert. and i'm like "what!??"

it's the biggest natural disaster ever to hit thailand. the largest waterborne loss of lives. the largest recordable earthquake to have its epicenter so close to the kingdom. and these greedy fuckers want to save cash?

i understand the economic collapse in 1997 and how it devastated southeast asia. i understand the need to rely on foreign industry and companies to help raise the capital and funds necessary to bring thailand further from debt. i understand the sort of pride thai people hold so dear; the sense of saving "face," and how losing it can mean career suicide. i do understand. but it's not like it would've been too bad, considering the truth in the aftermath of it all now.

what i don't understand is how when you weigh the success of a growing infrastructure against the possible high-count deaths of human beings, you would go for the possibility of a wider profit margin over the family of man. it baffles the mind beyond comprehension.

okay i just happened across yahoo, and they're stating the body count has risen to 40,000. it's starting to get so beyond a comprehensible number. i have to stop here. just stop for everything.

relief websites:

http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=red+cross+relief%2C+aid&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8

http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=web-storylinks&p=UNICEF

---

DEATH TOLLS

SRI LANKA

Sri Lankan military authorities report more than 12,000 people killed. Tamil Tiger rebels report 2,000 dead in the territory they hold in the northeast of the country.

INDIA

At least 8,000 killed by waves that flooded the southern coast, official media report.

INDONESIA

News agencies report more than 4,730 killed, many of them in Aceh in northern Sumatra.

THAILAND

Thai authorities report at least 1,000 people dead.

MALDIVES

46 people are dead and more than 70 missing, according to Hassan Sobir, the Maldives high commissioner.

HOTLINE NUMBERS

India: +91 11 2309 3054

Thailand: +66 2643 5262 and 2643 5000

Sri Lanka (residents): +94 11 536 1938

Sri Lanka (tourists): +94 11 243 7061

Maldives: +44 20 7224 2149

Seychelles: +248 321 676

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" stolen reuters map update, 20,000 and on the rise, 5:47am EST "

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33 feet high @ 500mph groundspeed, link to cnn article

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exerpt from reuters.com

The tsunami spared no one. Western tourists were killed as they sunbathed on the beach, poor villagers were drowned in their seaside homes and fishermen died in flimsy boats. The 21-year-old grandson of Thai King Bhumibol Adulyadej was killed on a jet-ski.

ROWS OF DEAD CHILDREN

Soldiers in Indonesia searched for bodies in treetops and in the wreckage of homes smashed by the tsunami, triggered by the 9.0 magnitude earthquake that struck off the coast of northern Sumatra island killing at least 4,491 people there.

"It smells so bad ... The human bodies are mixed in with dead animals like dogs, fish, cats and goats," said marine colonel Buyung Lelana, head of an evacuation team in Sumatra's Aceh province searching for more dead.

Volunteers laid bodies of children in rows under sarongs at makeshift morgues. Others were stacked in white fish crates.

---

" i'm okay, although that's relative to what?: a mass email "

---

dear everyone,

i woke up late today, so this is why the urgency that is "emails as a tool for relief," did not come earlier, and i apologize. i'm not going to say that the armageddon is here, or that this is indicative of man's wrongdoings and god is sending a warning. no.

the earth took a deep breath and we shifted. a man on the news said that the rotation of the earth was disrupted. what does that mean? like in superman, where he got all crazy over the loss of lois lane and turned back time? okay, no. but still. damn.

i am still in bangkok which is on the bottom of the main body of the nation, and situated on the right-hand side of the country. geographically, both bangkok and the bulk of all of my relatives are on the right-hand side. the tsunamis hit the left hand side.

...

i just heard from the thai news here, that scientists speculate that similar tsunamis will hit india in under two days.

so what's better, having been caught at unawares, or having the chance to make arrangements to flee, only to not clearly be able to gauge the immensity of the waves.

and how does one fight nature? it's not anything that humans at the moment can stop. you're standing against a sheer wall of water moving at you at an indeterminable ground speed. what the hell do you do?

i heard that sunbathers and people resting in their bungalows were completely swept away; there was a moment when someone was relaxing or brushing their hair, and then they were just within the earth's womb. that's frightening.

i was imaging bush not giving a shit and stroking his horses off on his ranch chuckling. that bastard. if the waves hit in america, i bet he would've called an immediate offensive on the entire ocean, all smaller supportive and connective bodies of water, then try and hold lakes, rivers, deltas, ponds, and puddles for questioning, but not before threatening them with drying them up or peeing in them.

and i don't mean to stray off topic, or belittle the pain of people that have the task of walking the long lines of bodies to find relatives. these are real people dealing in a brief intensely affecting moment, all of the pain of the world.

i'm so overwhelmed by the immediacy of the event myself, that it's hard to remain focused on the actual facts of it. whenever any occurrence happens where the body count just rises rapidly, reaching ridiculously surreal numbers, it's hard to really gauge how to feel.

you start to detach yourself from everything that causes pain, in an attempt to remain calm, and is that really fair. for some reason, you start to feel guilty, like really guilty, for still being alive, while all around this part of the world, it's a communal disaster.

i'm staring at the work at hand, and i'm just staring into the pixels flickerings trying to make heads or tails of everything.

so i am safe, but i'm still trying to be fine. take care of yourself and those you love.

in bangkok this new year's,

bay

---

http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/12/26/asia.quake/index.html

because we cannot help but read

http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/L26127109.htm

snapshot of events

http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/12/26/email.replies/index.html

emails from here and there

http://www.cnn.com/2004/WORLD/asiapcf/12/26/quake.bush.ap/index.html

i hate that he says he cares

---

" tidals in my heart "

---

8.9 earthquakes too big.

http://www.nationmultimedia.com/2004/12/27/headlines/

the king's grandson missing; a nation holds its breath.

http://www.nationmultimedia.com/2004/12/27/headlines/index.php?news=headlines_15898300.html

20 foot waves.

http://www.nationmultimedia.com/2004/12/27/national/index.php?news=national_15898174.html

welcoming in the new year gets tougher every year.

---

" f[r]iction and [sur]reality "

---

i could see them. there, sitting in the park; the sun was shining high and to the left. birds sand sweet tunes and children flew kites in straight lines which giggled brightly. and i wanted to smother them all; equal the balance between how i feel inside and the way the world is so sickeningly optimistic outside. it's summer.

you get to a point where you have to leave your home base, go out into the world, and attempt to push yourself to be a better person. up until last year, this is what i have been doing. i work very hard and succeed at a shit job that i hate. i eat relatively mediocre, and i am completely....

---

in the middle of this post, i am going to stop and tell all 3 of you readers something. it's not that the post was going somewhere not good, it's just amongst the negative-sounding tone, i remember that there are more important things to be shared and said:

---

today, one of my friends that lives in the south, told me that her father had died. just a few months ago, she moved down from bangkok just to be nearer to him.

it is the same friend as a post late last month. (http://baystar.blogspot.com/2004/11/story-4-sometimes-there-are-no-words.html)

she told me of how he just faded away. through tears and short breaths, she said that if i could, that i should visit her in the south, because now she has no one.

so that is how today went.

i already don't really care about the fanfare of christmas, but that someone who by all ancestral histories, never even needs to wish such a thing upon another...it is a rare gift.

i told her that when i could i would go visit, and that i was sorry and that it's not fair, and all of the things that come out of your mouth when you don't have the words to speak proper.

i mean, what else does an average person do?

i sat in the bathroom for ten minutes and cried; my chest locked up with that pain that you get right before you just let all the pain seethe through your being in the physical reaction to the unfairness in the universe.

i felt and feel horrible, oddly guilty for being far from the danger, and useless. on the inside, i feel like everything is collapsing in small increments all around me. all around me there are hints of christmasness, and someone i care about is a long distance away, alone, and hurting.

so hey, fat and jolly. if you got some real useful helpful items in that magic bag, hook me up.

...

she called to wish me a merry christmas.

---

" it's christmas time in harlem queens!! ...um, make that BKK"

---

christmas is all about the creeping sense of being alone. the everpresent wide assortment of hallmarkiness floating in the yuletide season, has nearly infected every country on the planet. are these new things? are people surprised to find me more scrooge before the ghosts, rather than yelling at the boy in the street for to fetch a goose dinner? i believe not.

but i'm not as much bitter as i am hardened by the now-not-as-fun-as-it-was-when-i-was-6-years-old of the annual spectacle. i mean, you have christmas, then new year's, then i have a birthday...i mean, how much can i really stand to drink?

take this for example, there is a christmas tree in my office, in bangkok, in thailand. this isn't to say that there aren't christians here, or that only christians are entitled to the celebration of baby jeebus, but for the sake of argument...what the hell is a christmas tree doing in the lobby of my building? a-buhh? meh? shu-huuh? it's a query; it really is.

but, aloneness. being alone. being single, and being alone,

and then finding others like you, and banding together in a drunken gathering of seasonal holly, rum-tainted super grandma's egg-nog, bells ringing from distant places, fat old men feeling up grown women in dirty themed-parties, and mistle toe being first sworn and cursed at, then later utilized for a plethora of interactive activities.

after i turned 17, my normal christmas activities consisted of getting together with all of those friends of mine who had divorced parents, different religious backgrounds, or just had laid-back non-holiday everyday sort of "berkeley" moms. this totaled to about 4-5.

we'd get together and make a tape. a super mix-tape, dedicated to our complete lack of christmas spirit...save that for whiskey, rums, and Guinness. for some reason that's obvious, we'd have the best mix made ever (every year), but by morning lose the tape among the ragnarok which ensued. and for some other dumb-ass reason, we never thought to actually look for more than a few minutes.

we'd play guitar and drink and rant and sing and dance and spit and have just the best of times people can have when they're mad drunk and blissfully non-celebratory.......good times.

being here on this, a very unruly workload-laden stressful christmas eve, i find myself working, anxious, depressed, seemingly hopeful, and oddly charlie-brown about it all. meaning a blah C- sort of state of being. and that's okay.

so here's to being alone with other people that are alone. maybe we'll get to that tape making drunken dancery guitar-fest next year. tell grandma to spike the egg-nog extra special just for me.

to end this post, a beautifully written piece of music, in lyric form.

merry x-mas from bangkokia!

---

ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
it's not warm when she's away.

ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

and she's always gone too long,
anytime she goes away.


wonder this time where she's gone.
wonder if she's gonna stay.

ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

and this house just ain't no home,
anytime she goes away.


(26 "i know's" in succession)

hey, i ought to leave the young thing alone,
ain't no sunshine when she's gone.


ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
only darkness every day.

ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

and this house just ain't no home,
anytime she goes away.


ain't no sunshine when she's gone.
it's not warm when she's away...

anytime she goes away,
anytime she goes away,
anytime she goes away.


"ain't no sunshine"
- bill withers -

---

" chulalongkorn u. "

---

crisp white tops with silver buttons. clasped brooches attached at the upper torso which dangle and sway with every slight movement.

coupled with simple black belts, shining buckles slack to the side at crooked angles. a multitude of black skirts swoosh against skin, with a never-ending indeterminate amount of lengths. some have slits, some have pleats, all are fabulous.

i am standing with eyes open in a corridor, and the clickety-clack of heeled slingbacks echo throughout; my soul in a state of bliss. i am swimming in a sea of exposed ankles.

---

" that burning sensation "

---

with the bottoms of my heels exposed, i was bitten by a she-mosquito across the plain of my feet. the tiniest amount of blood removed from my body, discreetly and with a predernatural malintent.

on paper thin wings of gleaming membrane, the culprit bandited away her newly consumed meal; the feeling of itching slowly making its way up my nervous system and registering into my brain.

she was well far away the moment i realized the burning sensation beckoning for the scrape of my nail. a fact that i was reminded of in every following step.

---

" creative juices "

---

one day you will find the time to please everyone. today is not that day.

you will falter, you will spill over, you will fail, and you will quietly pass out; the world growing black around you until you feel nothing. the dark void enclosed around you like a thick blanket over your entire body.

tears don't help. crying is the last resort of the hopeless in the case of fleeting departures.

one day you will find the time to be unsure. today is not that day.

you will rise above, you will raise the cry of victory, you will achieve the unattainable, and you will be a complete and utter success; the glowing warmth of the universe surrounding your supernatural everything.

you are a god today. you are a bright sheen of silver. you are happy.

today nothing can cause you pain, or depression, or hurt. you're as tough as nails, and you reflect all of the goodness in the world and cast it out in an untraceable glory.

this is the day that will surpass all other days before it, and it is yours for the taking.

---

" a hint of ranty ranty rant-rant "

---

the world is surrounding you in all of its intergalactic location and extreme normalcy. people are looking to the skies and deconstructing the patterns in the stars in a hope of something greater; something else.

when you think about the size of your body, and in your mindspace prop that mass up against that of the distance between san francisco and bangkok, thailand, you begin to see how these known distance also define your insignificance. the amount of molecules that make you up, the fact that all of this space exists between you and 'whatever is over there,' and how it makes so much sense that when you are near someone you love, you can't help but feel something of an intimacy.

and how are you supposed to feel when you're up against a mass of nothing. all of these interfering occurrences that you have completely no control over: radiation content, sound waves, the passing of the sun over the plane of the earth's crust, flight patterns of honey bees, the feeling of corduroy, those people over there making out in a diner booth at 3am. it's a list that can go on and on and on.

and is there a point to all of these countless vast distances between things? every time i do that thing where you look inside of yourself and re-evaluate yourself against the 'big picture,' i start to feel myself becoming less. less significant, less important, less more so than 'more than.'

and also, the only way i ever can know how others see me in their own version of the big picture, is when they have something to directly say to me/ask of me. it's a baffling mind-boggle, the attempt of your ordinary person to try and give up on asking simple questions about life and never finding the answers.

and there is no point.

one fact being, i have received six hugs in the past seven months. this alone is like a 'what the huh?" to me. really, does less than one hug per month make me a better person. i would say that in my history of giving/receiving hugs, no. and yet there is no way to remedy it. you begin to hug your own body, in an attempt in making that space in between everything around you less definite.

tonight's homework:

play a board game that involves more than two people, and then after you've won or lost, interview them on how they feel about the space that exists around the world. i can guarantee that they're either look at you all cock-eyed and crazy, or you'll all share something and then move on to taking shots of random alcoholic liquids until you pass out in a fit of intoxicating happiness.

---

" without you "

---

fiction (?) :

you're surrounded by people who love you. the room is pitch black and you hear the heaving of someone crying their tiny heart out. if you could see proper, surely you would comfort them with those eyes that you have, that do that thing that helps out a lot; yeah, no, i know you would. maybe you would.

you're standing in a room that is flooded with a beautifully natural sunlight. you're barefoot and you can feel the lengthy planks of the maple flooring beneath the weight of your body. there's something utterly and devastatingly romantic about wooden floors; a return to textural interactions with the surrounding natural world. all of the boxes are gone. the open space crowds your entire being; a vice of molecules closing in and suffocating your heart.

you're wearing a boy-cut pair of light gray panties with a slim pink lace trim. they feel really good when you slip them on and readjust them slightly. the outline of your body is glowing; through the window facing the street below, the last golden daylight rays of an autumn afternoon travel the lengths of your body. you can feel the warm caress of the sun on the backs of your legs; the insides of your calves are burning. you think to yourself, "i am not doing 'fine' without you." outside, leaves dance languidly in the intimate soft gale of a twirlwind.

---

" vent-ing "

---

when you vent, it's like the opening of the entire universe; a tear in the space-time continuum causing a rift in the fabric of time and all that holds our reality together.

when you vent, there are tiny birds of drunken sleigh bells chiming and dancing at odd angles; the fluttering inside of your head causes your equilibrium to tilt all-slack and untied.

when you vent, your heart is exposed and vulnerable; the veins, vesicles, and aortic valve pumping all of your every everything to sustain you upon the precipice - there is no compromise within the cardiovascular structure to help you heal any faster.

---

" a semi-apology to love "

---

sorry. no, really i am.

i take love into my arms and cloak my arms around love in a laundro-mat; love whispers to me softly in the still silences.

love is the greatest invention of humanity to the universe. it is in those moments of realization, that you can find the strength within you to move ahead. there's no lollygagging, no hesitation, and no regrets.

the brushing of lips, hushed sighs, the sound of skin, looks full of quixotic mystery; the eye contact which sees beyond the flesh and grips the very breath out of your corporeal being.

you see through eyes that have seen the other side of love's shaded areas. you humble yourself before it's overwhelming warmth and light; it glows inside your body and seethes through your blood which boils at her approach.

i buy love a strawberry ice cream then we make out in the parking lot.

finding a new love is difficult, and i'll spit in the soup of anyone who says otherwise. if loving from relationship to relationship is fast and/or simple to do emotionally, get away from me, lock yourself in a basement, and never come out to see the light of day again.

you remember the in-between instances that defined love for you, and begin to look forward to redefining those attributes: the way she placed her hands in mine, soft flutters of eyelashes on my neck, the sound of her heart beating though her shirt, warm, crimson, vibrations, rhythm, constant, seemingly forever.

i agree with love to photograph love's portrait wearing a black meriweather corset, garters, and stockings. i always have film for love.

the altogether vibrant sensation of love coursing through out the body; electric waves wash throughout and radiates bright and constant. so apologies love, i am often wrong.

finding that faded pair of boy-cut panties in the dryer, lifting them to your face and smelling them, pocketing them, and feeling okay about it. staring at that one photo that 'does it' every time; the oil in your fingertips eroding away the silver halides out from the weathered paper. finding a double-meaning in all of the words she speaks, writes, or emails; scanning for the secret message that will validate the intense madness of your seemingly perpetual singlehoodom. seeing her in everything and hoping to god that you'll not always be like this.

i find love drunk in the park, and i take love home, give love a shower and send love to bed.

---

" fuck a love "

---

rant enclosed below:


love huh?

is it true as they say, and just who the fuck are "they?"

i punch love in the neck.

love leads to a broken heart, a broken soul, a broken life. you're left in the broken shards of displeasure and feel altogether worthless, used, jaded, and depressed.

the fractured pillars crumbled along empty streets and the universe echoes in despair. and no, i am not well. this is fine i believe. who would want to be fine after you feel your entire being doubted and ushered towards the unknown direction of what is beyond the door of rejection.

i throw a brick at love, then spit on it's twitching carcass.

even ebert knows what's up, although disguised thusly subtle in a movie review. he still speaks true does he not:

" Is there anything more pathetic than a lover who realizes he (or she) really is in love, after all the trust has been lost, all the bridges burnt and all the reconciliations used up?"

yes. we are pathetic. human qualities dictate that we have a genetically-sequenced predernatural inclination to falter before the promise of love. the absence of love from my heart has made my feelings toward such a thing so extremely polarized, how can one get out of such a funk even at this young age? how?

i take love out for a drink and kick it in the alleyway.

displaced passions. irreplaceable feelings with no adequate substitute in sight, in heart, in mind. we roam through this world harboring fears of loneliness, and burdened with the happiness of the past. it's the strongest person out of love who puts forth their game face; smile beaming ear to ear as if all is well.

who wants to move on? who can stand to move on? what is it that we are constantly searching for, if the one truest love has already decided for you that they would just rather not, sorry sir, this is your stop and you must get off.

i push love onto the train tracks.

and yet, you must move on, cause living in the past is worse than death, it's worse than heartbreak; the memories strain and blur in an attempt to recollect the culled goods. you begin to settle on good memories, transfixed on moments that made love real, and true, and desired.

and sorry, unfortunately there's no reconciliatory advice that anyone can give to you that will make you feel better, if you yourself do not feel like it.

i place love in a box of memory, of cluttered remains, and seal it away in the closet, to be burned at a later as-of-now unset date.

meander whatever your path you may trod along. i'll be by the curb, cursing at you through the the darkness for merely existing.

so go on, love, go on. if i say i'll give you another chance, i probably will, but i won't pretend i like it; you done did me wrong, straight up and stone cold.

i give love a second chance, step up to the platform eager and willing, and wait holding my ticket at the station.

---

" abstract "

---

lips, messages, red top, streetlights, dark-eyed girl. the click-clacking of heels on the pavement.

undercurrents pulling the shift out of synch. forlorn and without a suitable space to place the love i have. bleak alleyways slice through the large blocks of city streets. water is dripping from somewhere.

a street-kid boy comes to my window and taps it asking me to purchase a garland of flowers. i'm too sleepy to respond, and he pleads through a streaked window that i should really thing about buying one. i don't. the light turns green and we veer off and to the right. he walks barefoot to the curb and sits down.

a group of short-skirted kids walk arm-in-arm down a busy street. all i see are braces flashing through the dark, and a flurry of knees. the backs of their knock-off cons are bent in at the heels. it's nearing eight o'clock, and i pass out in the back seat of a car playing cell-phone tetris.

overhead, there floats upon spires of concrete blocks and metal, the skytrain; it's path plotted upon an electrical course. it closes at midnight, and i have no place in mind to go but out.

---

" red filter for life "

---

fiction:

you're standing on the threshold of what one could constitute the next step. there are so many ways this could go wrong. the breeze is blowing on the back of your neck, causing you to doubt the strength of will to hold yourself up against whatever is beyond.

your arms go limp and there beats in a slow tempo, the dullest most defined pain in the small of your lower lumbar vertebrae. the air grows still and it begins to feel humid and moist. you squint your eyes and everything becomes high-contrast and blood red.

you feel like passing out and whistling at the same time. the sparkling glares of a thousand black tiny stars twinkle and shine in your eyes as you fall forward into the doorway.

when you awake, you find that everything is different on the other side. and as it stands, you can be sure that you have absolutely no clue what coming next, and you like it.

grinning, you step into the wide world with black shitkickers and a grin.

---

" the proof isn't always in just pudding "

---

in some weird way, i like to reaffirm i exist, by collecting all of the things that are printed with my work in it. the link below for the newpages zine review site, is for the most recent issue of the boxcutter zine, where within its pages, there resides a small piece i wrote on documentaries.

it's strange that someone used me by my first name, although obvious why. i'm still a little confused by it all, but i hope you find yourself an issue, just in case i forget that i exist.

http://www.newpages.com/magazinestand/zines/default.htm

(third review down)

---

" fires across the street "

---

sitting outside the local miniplex at 7 or so o'clock, i found myself sitting in between a 2 year old toddler and an inexplicable fire blazing at the bus stop across the street.

there are so many times when things seem so out of the ordinary here; those instances that are unique beyond sociocultural enigmatic situations. for a moment i felt altogether overwhelmed and calm at the same time.

her small luminescent eyes sparkling with glee while the glowing ashes float into the night sky; the overlapping sounds of her laughter, cars passing, and the crackling of the embers off in the near-distance.

---

" moviemoviemovie....movie "

---

1. the incredibles - dir. brad bird, disney/pixar, usa - 2004

- it's all about the future of pixar without disney. you think about the benefits of a union, and how the properties and attributes of such a union can help in creating animation that not only is pretty to look at, but has something bigger to add/say. this is what the incredibles says.

beyond the technology and the hype, the incredibles is the beautifully made promise of a better tomorrow for filmmaking through computer animation. it represents a step beyond the more obvious marketing and merchandising campaigns of such a movie/product.

the animation design is superb, and the humor exquisite. i found myself completely beside myself with the sheer glee of enjoyment. the story had heart through its action, and is held together with a tight succinct simple script with flare.

to see this movie to to acknowledge that the realm of storytelling can mature and get better and better yet. to put it short, this movie get the all-around bay star of approval (the star being vastly superior to any other critics' system.

2. blade trinity- dir. david goyer, newline/marvel, usa - 2004

- i don't care if you dislike action and intensely unthinkable character studies, the blade franchise has hit the mark again. i found that the only problems with blade II were the delivery of the vampire princess. this i am surmising is due to the nature of the actress's nationality/country of origin, and is not dogging her desire to portray characters true to their content.

blade trinity includes all of the great attributes of a good sound action flick: superb production quality, character design, weaponry/accessory design, scattered humor, soundtrack appropriateness, and continuity with respect to a built universe.

wesley snipes is so blade, that he completely owns the part. he leaves no space for doubt, and the supporting characters also flush out the rest of the storyline will a sense of duty. great casting.

if i can say anything about the characters, i would say this:

i find dracula himself to be flawed, only by lack of motivation and a diminished importance to his status as the progenitor of the vampire race. he casts himself to be the original and the strongest, but lacks the action to back up the words he speaks.

parker posey puts to great use, her ability to portray her character in her unique parker posey style. i love her in almost everything she does, with that voice, and that presence, and all of her -ness.

big up to van wilder guy for using his humor to his dramatic advantage. i wouldn't say he's in for more serious roles, but he has shown a wider breadth of ability that does him some justice.

yay jessica biel. you have placed 7th heaven behind. welcome to the plane of film. welcome.

and that's about all i can say. it's enough that you spend some matinee money on this flick and just let yourself enjoy it, if you dig it, and it suits your taste of the moment. i told it to dylan(who is now here in thailand) like this, " i don't purport to have a high-horse, but if i do have one, i'm not above getting off of it to enjoy a flick."

get out there people. give yourself a treat. that is all today.

---

" offered dreams" or " facing the platter "

---

when the opportunity arises, will you be able to recognize it?

the potential dream, handed to you on a platter-of-sorts, sits in front of you speaking the language of everything you wanted to hear from a person with the ability to grant you everything. shiny, warm, comforting, exciting, and unexpectedly full of anxiety i find myself feeling.

today i met up with the managing director of a small filmhouse production business here in bangkok. it seems very legit and has produced a few thai films that i happen to enjoy. this is saying a lot. this is saying, there is hope. there is a possible direction.

the man told me his concept for the films that they choose to pursue, and stressed the need to understand exactly what it means to try and produce films here in the existing studio system.

he is full of passion it seems and talking to him really helped me come to certain realizations of what could very well be my next steps here.

we talked of ideology, dreams, work experience, language, and the possibility of me starting to work for the company. it really helped that i have an "in" through family contacts.

in fact, this is the most progressive meeting i have had since coming to thailand; even since heeding every word from one of my heroes, filmmaker apichatpong weerasethakul.

this is the crossroad.

this is the time of decision-making and risks; the test of one's dreams. i find myself unable to gather all of my thoughts together proper, so i will just have them simmer in the beautiful soup of indecision, while i contemplate the proverbial 'what am i to do?'

---

" plan on not having a plan "

---

you start to think about what is really important for you to accomplish throughout the day. is it getting some sort of work done, is it writing a passage of fictional text, or is it merely the act of getting out of bed?

the world outside awaits like a ripened fruit waiting to be plucked; the fickle grasp of gravity eagerly taunting it's plump form. there are quite possibly a thousand different things you could do tomorrow when you actually arise from slumberland.

where will you go?

what is the game plan?

is there any point to wasting time?

more and more these days i feel the dire need to do something personally accomplishing. it doesn't have to be something of a particular physical size or anything that needs to be measured by length of text or weight of by-product. it merely has to be parallel to the personal interests of my version of the game plan.

and this is wherein lies the crux of being in a box of strange and confusing work-ness. everyday is an adventure of some sort, and an ultimate exercise in patience, tolerance, and self-restraint. i mean, i don't want to pimp-slap anybody during the day, or night for that matter, but i would. you just have to be doing something helpful, or positive, or forwarding for yourself and for others.

in this manner, all of us can benefit as a global community, based purely on our smallest actions. it's a beautiful utopian thought. tomorrow however, i'm going to wake up late, eat horribly delicious and sumptuous foods, buy stuff at the weekend market that i don't need, and basically lounge the day away.

i guess what i'm asking of you guys is to hook me up with a small favor and work extra hard in changing the world for the better tomorrow. can ya swing that for me? word em up.

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" wearing a woman's suit jacket "

---

so tonight i had a shoot at this exhibition hall somewhere. a baking-a-cake competition thing. it was nice. but that's not the funny part.

not at all.

so, the closing big extravaganza part of this contest, is that one of the princesses of Thailand came to view the winning cakes, and pass out awards to various hi-so people, which is the style of the royal family.

i had to shoot DV footage of my boss receiving one such award. to be able to get close to the princess, any princess, one has to wear very formal clothing and go through a variety of security checks and stuff, to insure that you are respectable to the royal family.

i had my pumas on and only dress pants, a long-sleeve button down shirt, and a tie. to be ok-ed by the security team, i had to find a suit jacket and some formal dress shoes. the jacket which was supplied to me was a so-too-small woman's blazer. so that was fun.

the shoes came from one of the other photogs, and he told me it was a practice to always bring extra pairs of everything just in case. i was sorry to not also have had the experience to match his level of preparedness. so i wore these funny black leather buckle-shoes, which were also hilarious on me.

so imagine this: i'm shooting footage of one of the princesses, standing next to all of these well-dressed fellow photogs and DV footage shooters, wearing a comical near-charlie chaplin but tighter woman's blazer and daffy shoes. i was weird looking to say the least.

and what a way to present yourself as a valid and respectable person. and to a royal no less. i mean, i'm sure if she actually saw me, she could've potentially burst out laughing, or sent me to prison or something equally and culturally embarrassing...on my part/fault of course.

who's to know these small details? i again proved myself foreign to a certain very specific situation, but came out okay. it seems that everyday is filled to the brim with all of these minute details; having to prove myself worthy to people who so already expect a higher level of cultural awareness.

i am always eager to be more than i am. and it's fun to learn this way, although i would've rather not have had to put on a woman's black blazer which was way to small to do so. yay for embarrassing situations. may they now be fewer and farther between.

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" spies among us "

---

i was trying to see what was up with my friend dyan this afternoon, and someone was using his account name. this brings up a good point.

do not forget to log off or delete your MSN (or any chatting program) name/email, when you're in a different country/place. other people could pretend to be you.

it brings into play the subtle differences that your usual interactions have, with theones the fake "friend of yours" tries to play you with. not saying that the other person was trying to play me, just that it was really twilight zone for a minute there.

so hey, dylan, hit me up soon, so i know you're okay. crazy internet nepalis are indentity-thefting you.

---

Dylan says: okes
the crow flies at midnight says: oh
the crow flies at midnight says: you're online after all
the crow flies at midnight says: ha
the crow flies at midnight says: what's up?
Dylan says: sorry
Dylan says: i just played game
Dylan says: where r u now\///
the crow flies at midnight says: in the office
Dylan says: yaa i know but place
the crow flies at midnight says: place?
the crow flies at midnight says: like my address?
Dylan says: yaa

the crow flies at midnight says: what's my last name?
Dylan says: huh
Dylan says: why r u asking like this\///

the crow flies at midnight says: spell it
Dylan says: okes
Dylan says: okes
Dylan says: so which place u from now\//
Dylan says: ??

the crow flies at midnight says: who is this?
Dylan says: your closer
the crow flies at midnight says: i have no clue what that means
Dylan says: okes
Dylan says: sorry at all
Dylan says: hey gotta go frien
Dylan says: takecare
Dylan says: byhe
the crow flies at midnight says: where's dylan?
Dylan says: getting late
the crow flies at midnight says: late? it's 5:28
Dylan says: ohhh
Dylan says: oke
the crow flies at midnight says: are you a person in nepal?
Dylan says: yaa
Dylan says: me here in nepal
Dylan says: hey
Dylan says: i'm his frien
the crow flies at midnight says: do you know dylan?
Dylan says: yaa i know him very well
the crow flies at midnight says: what's his last name?
Dylan says: guess yourself
the crow flies at midnight says: well i don't need to guess, i know. do you?
Dylan says: okes
Dylan says: i know him well
Dylan says: and really sorry i asked u
the crow flies at midnight says: well if you claim to know him, tell him to email me his information
the crow flies at midnight says: no need to be sorry, just tell him that for me
the crow flies at midnight says: please
Dylan says: okes
Dylan says: takecare
Dylan says: bye

---

" i can't read "

---

reading is hard. i mean not in english. that one, i'm getting a handle on. no, i'm talking about thai. i can sound out some words: bathroom, gas station, some foods/menu dishes. simple things.

but, for the life of me, i just can't put the whole words together. thai is crazy like that. i mean, you can learn the alphabet fairly simple, with it's extensive-nesses, but try to speak it. it's all tones and inflections.

i love it, and it's many differences from a more emotionally-charged language like english. the funny ass thing about me and thai, is that if someone reads the sentence out to me, i can sound it out, thus reading it. to me that's crazy!

what the hell is wrong with my brain?? can't it figure out how to read it first, then the sounds can come later? it's all very strange and interesting. i think better, i should go back to kindergarten here, and then take some more lessons in basic everything.

it's like, you get to a point where you really need something specific, and there's this chubby 5 year-old all gabbing away getting what (s)he wants, and you start to get all frustrated and grumpy pointing all of these feelings at this chubby kid who's only fault is that you're so weak in your own confidence in the spoken language, that (s)he represents all of your lost childhood and missed opportunities, showing you once again the great sacrifices that some peoples' parents take in order to raise their children in a more positive/engaging environment/country thus allowing for a better future and ultimately a better chance at success in life.

it's sorta like that. but i'm not sore, just confused sometimes here and there is all.

when i was a little kid about 6, my dad would take some extra time before i went off to school to teach me thai. he would sit me down at this tiny table in the front room, and help me sound out the alphabet and some simple situational words: the kid is washing his face. the chicken is over there. uncle is eating shrimp. easy to say things like that.

and i was such an impatient american brat at six, that all i remember feeling at the time, was that if i could get through this morning's lesson, i could watch alvin and the chipmunk's, glo-worms, and thundercats on television before going off to school. what a dick i was! now that i'm me, now, i realize what a sham aspects of americana are.

if i had had the patience to realize what my dad was trying to instill in me, the retaining of a distant culture and deep-traditions fleeting rapidly away, then i wouldn't have have had such a harsh realization of my biculturality at 13; begging to all the proverbial question "who am i/where do i fit in proper?"

so big up to thai. the entire package of my past brimming with an engaging energy, doing absolutely everything within its powers to help me become all that i am.

as it is now, near a quarter of a century old, my brain has shut off the ability to learn fast. the wheels which were set in motion so long ago beg for a fresh twirl. and for some remarkable dumb-ass reason, my memory wants to give me a second chance. a sort of linguistic renaissance, allowing the shortcomings of the past to be remedied.

---

" gotta get some sleep "

---

you're wondering why i look like shit. you're asking yourself "jeebus almighty! what the hell is wrong with your face, son?" no, no. it's a perfectly valid question. i mean, if i saw me the way you do, i'd most likely look all cock-eyed and crazy at me too. it's a fair judgment.

i went to bed feeling like shit at 4am; the work load on the "day off" was detailed and insurmountable. and yet i tried.

then, later this morning, as if some cruel joke on a good-night's rest, the sun woke me up at approximately 8:30am. this was followed by a call from my boss, to come take photographs of the latest fashion conquests from her latest business trip to hong kong.

i never mind the any of the many different attributes of my work here, due to the fact that i am able to endeavor and be patient, but i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and had to document my state of being of that particular moment. it scared me.

- the shaggidy dog look -

- (c) baystar 2004 -

my shirt is a pastel yellow, clean, and freshly pressed. my hair is sticking straight up of it's own accord and leans to the left slightly at an angle; as if a mass of tender willow reeds, gently bending in the breeze of a twilight gale. my face is well-past the asian standard of the five o'clock shadow. by the look and feel of it, i'd guess safely that my face in this photo is set to eleven forty-five in the PM.

it's okay to recoil in horror, or cover your eyes in shock. i know what i look like.

the other day i was watching HERO, director zhang yimou's first attempt at the martial arts genre, and saw some odd similarities with tony leung chiu-wai: the slight wideness in the nose, the eyelids, or lack thereof on one, the look of the facial hair and the cheekbone structure.

i never thought about it before, but i never figured i looked like anyone other than myself. to see facets of yourself in the genetic traits of other people (well, other than your blood-family members) is sort of surprising.

in light of almost scaring myself to death with my own deplorable beastly appearance, i guess i am going to have to work on believing that he looks like me, more than i look like him. i mean, wouldn't that be weird if someone else agreed with me about looking sorta like him?

i never had the chance to immediately think up of someone that i look most like, celebrity-wise. in fact i'm sure that you've seen me embarrass myself at your parties; i was the kid who yelled out that i looked like my mom. well, it true you know. i really do, honest.

so here's to showers and shaves. may they bring me a more magnetic quality in the days which follow, than how i happened to look today.

---

" jj "

---

JJ weekend market is the most well-known super outdoor extravaganza in bangkok. it's a market of the likes you've never seen or experienced before. you think of thrift shops or flea markets or swap meets; this beast kicks the trade fair in the ass.

i went with the maids to JJ today and we spent 5 hours roaming the stalls; clothing section to wares and goods to animals to food vendors to trinkets galore to shoes as far as the eye can see. they were so free and laughed. it's always so fun to see the girls taking chances and experienceing the world.

two of them, Thunda and a new older woman Suan, had never been before. we parked far away from the market and walked in the new subway station to get there, as it's air-conditioned. Thunda had NEVER been on an escalator before, and she gripped her tiny hands on to my arm when stepping onto the moving and descending walkway apparatus; her little toes curling with tension. she did the same when stepping off the escalator; a bright sparkling smile gleaming on her face. it's the small details in the moment that make you re-evaluate a great many things.

an onward, we went to JJ. it's an overwhelming super sale and you can bargain the crap out of almost anything. you can find almost anything ranging from the smallest most plain black plastic bracelet, up to a hand-carved towering-over-your-head, done in the traditional technique, touting a beautiful buddhist tapestry-like inlay but in wood, glorious totem.

you can buy things that fit in a tiny bag or have your goods shipped worldwide to your front doorstep; awaiting your return to your home it sits and is yours.

JJ is the local short slang-term for Chatuchak Weekend Market. with the new subway system in place and the new organized layout of the sections and stalls, it's one of the bestest weekend-shopping experiences ever. ever!

i mean you think you've shopped till you dropped, but here, people actually pas out! fun! buuuuuut, i guess you have to be in thailand to hook up with me, so get on the wagon people!!

so strap on those comfortable walking shoes, bring an empty sack, stock up on water but pee beforehand, and place your folding monies in your front pocket, then join me in buying anything your heart desires. it is so on....or better yet, go barefoot and buy shoes there! yippeeeeeee!

---

" super happy grand sale "

---

this morning i went with two of my co-workers to a super VCD/DVD sale two sois over. a soi is the thai word for alleyway, although they're more like smaller thinner connective roads.

we went to the CVD company lot, where most of the thai-language dubbing/distribution media is done. they are having their annual liquidation sale and i definitely partook.

we spent a good 4 hours perusing and browsing the numerous titles. the heat hung low and everyone was thankful that there was free water floating around on trays carried by staff members.

VCD's are basically glorified mpeg files, split into two discs, and touting either thai subtitles or dubbed version. they're notoriously crappy, pixelated, somewhat quality-deficient, and i love them tremendously. i'm good to watch these titles for the price anyday.

i ended up spending about a benjamin on 16 VCD's, the zhang yimou epic on DVD, "hero," and also the entire "pink panther" series on DVD, starring peter sellers. it's a good grab in any case.

the only thing i still fear is being able to screen the DVD's; i'm going to use next week to test out my theory that DVD-drives can play all the different multi-regional formats. let's collectively cross our many fingers for my viewing pleasures sake.

tonight's homework:

invite a friend over and check out a solid title. i love watching movies with people much more than alone sometimes; it gives you a chance to check out all the strange mannerisms people have when they watch movies. you can make a small list of viewing styles and then compare notes after the screening over some tea. i'm sure you'll have a great time.

---

" story # 6: my little river of pee "

---

at virtually all gas stations in thailand, there are public restrooms readily available to utilize. most of them are somewhat cleaned on a daily basis and kempt.

i am standing at one of the lucky ones; the clean very sanitary one. i'm walking up to doorway where the bathroom entrances bisect into male and female facilities. there is a man taking 2 baht admission fees. he has three teeth missing in his glowing smile.

i walk through the small maze of wooden-doored stalls, looking for a urinal or some sort of normal pee-hole apparatus with which to use. there is a completely different sense of "normal" here in thailand, and i'm used to it by now.

i walk past the open-doored asian-style "squat" toilet, complete with waterhose and pail of water with a plastic bowl floating merrily. a smile stretches across my face as i see a white dude looking perplexed as all hell at one of these open doors. "hey, it's going to be okay," i sort of want to tell him, but decide to leave him to his adventuresome sense of discovery, as is the style of travel.

i am rounding around the back of the lavatory complex and find along the back wall a brilliant display of multiple semi-private pseudo urinal stalls. the small walls separating the pee-standing slots, are a shiny metal and they glint spectacularly in the afternoon sun.

as i set out to do my business, i am casually noticing that the back wall is completely exposed to the outside of the building. at this point in my trip, i know this is the norm. it still seems kinda weird that there could be some dudes all hanging out in the back lot behind the pee-stalls, checking out the intermittent show of people urinating.

i am looking down at this cascading miniature waterfall that is happening on the facing wall or the channeled loo; there is a pleasant trickling sound reflecting between the metallic walls which makes the job-at-hand much much easier.

i am noticing as i am about to leave, that there is no splash-guard nearer to the ground; if one were to be all letting loose without a care to his stall-mates, then the consequences of not having a splash-guard could very well be dire indeed.

below, there is a small delta of a river, transporting the cascading pee into some underground water transfer facility. the seemingly tropical breeze is blowing across the back of my neck; its cool waft gently welcomed.

i am walking back to the mini-van; the quiet distant gurgles of the river of pee echo in the distance.

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