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pardon me for being a little crass or elitist in the moment, but hey, american middle-class couple in the thai movie theatre sitting behind me yesterday? yeah you two. yesterday i was chock full o' blisses, but on closer inspection, maybe i wasn't? thus, this is a rant to you and others like you:
dear sir,
can you and madam do me a huge favor and just shut the fuck up?! please, for the hole-punctured hands of jesus! is it enough that your breathing and popcorn-munching fills the tiny art-house theatre with your heavy non-butter-butter escaping wheezy air, i have to sit and listen to your cockamamie commentary?
is it just that you have to laugh at the fact that this is a japanese film (did you not realize that when you paid for your ticket?)and you can't understand a word that's being said? that's okay there guy; these days, if you look carefully enough, there are words displayed along with the dialogue at the bottom of the screen. yeah, it's true. those are called subtitles. get on the muthaf-ing bandwagon and read em. don't be dicks aight?
every other non-english country has to cater to your viewing pleasure for all-time due to the strength and influence of american cinema, the least you can do is attempt at reading them. you should be so lucky that there are kind enough people willing to translate the story and words to ease your understanding of what is going on; you don't need to shit on them too you rank bastards.
and while you're at it, don't criticize the sounds in the movie for being too loud. it's called a soundtrack. sometimes those have a reason for being placed where they are audio-wise. by exclaimingly asking "why is that phone so loud?" out loud for all to hear like you had cowpie in your ear-holes, you look like rude assbuckets. no yeah, you do. sorry.
also, the great thing about movies, or even stories in general, is if you're patient enough, the story will reveal itself to you! yeah, you can smile now. the way these things work, no matter the timeline within the actual film, is that the movie is run through a projector ranging from 3-5 reels of film attached with a soundtrack. it's almost slightly amazing, if you think about it for a second. can you smell the concept?
this way, you and your smelly boyfriend don't have to ask each other in non-hushed voices which come out like shrill whispers:
1. what's that thing? the japanese are weird. (the characters are eating cup o' noodles with chopsticks)
2. what's he saying? (something in japanese; ie-read the subtitles twit)
3. who's that? (hey, dum dums, he says his name so many times. look at # 2)
4. what's he doing/going to do? (if you wait, you'll see)
5. why is she leaving? (have you two shits not been watching the fucking movie at all!!?)
6. i can't read and watch at the same time. (self-explanatory)
7. oh my god did that just happen? (see #5)
8. why are they wearing uniforms? (um, not everyone lives in america. it's true. sorry)
and on and on and on and on.
SHUT UP! just shut the fuck down. do it.
here's a fine tip: be patient. i mean holy-concept-of-watching-movies-in-public batman!
so please be good american tourists and understand this is not there,
the american-born-thai kid in the fourth row.
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and the worst thing is, this is how most middle-americans that i don't know, in this age bracket, and social distinction love to watch movies. i outta just get some magical spray and glue their faces to each other, so they can talk and bullshit endlessly into each other until they explode with inane comments, impatience, and unrivaled stupidity. i outta just pee in their mouths. that way they'd have something valid to say or ask:
1. sir, why did you pee in my mouth?
2. do you think that action was entirely appropriate?
3. could you do that again, i'm an asshole and so is my girlfriend.
sure i might be a movie-watching snob at times, but i came to view a movie, not listen to people pretending they're in the comfort of their houses, ranting on and on like A.D.D. lunatics. these people are guaranteed to have sex and procreate, and i've been the person that's been single for the better half of a decade almost.
c'mon man...
what's up with that now?
and hey, next time, when the King's Anthem is playing before the movie, let's try not to be uncivil visitors by being confused and then decide to just not participate. it's going to be fine, i promise. there's subtitles stating instructions on what to do too. so show some respect to the country you are in currently, pretend you sat on a unicorn, and stand the fuck up. i'm gonna go now. be good.
thank you.
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