---
as we gradually get older, our bodies not only start to naturally develop into whatever shape time, environment, food, and level of physical exercise deems. our corporeal beings shift and change in the light of these waning moments, and our outlook starts to change based upon these self-induced (and sometimes socially-aided) judgments.
what happened to all of the other little kids i used to play with? we laughed our days away; boisterous as huckleberry plums, razzled to tears with the open joy of rolling in grass, and lazily slept the golden afternoons away huddled on blue mats, the apple juice boxes being cleared by looming phantoms and large people.
they grew up, grew older, more confident or insecure, laden with happiness, or guilt, or depression. all of these people i once knew grew older, harder, bitter, or did they? i am going through this detachment-from-all-i-know period, and it's starting to make me more and more unsure of the lasting impact of my presence on this planet. it's as if once you take away your known environment, you must really begin to sift through character traits, personal and socially constructed mores, clinging on to what makes you "you," and coming to very detailed very specific conclusions about the validity and content of your character.
or maybe i'm just making my brainical thoughts more(and ultimately) over-complex. life is about moving on, moving up, moving at all. and i am wiggling my way through this part of my life the best way i can. it's interesting the amount of people on this earth; our individual minds , thoughts, feelings, and senses of "self" constantly seemingly at war with one another for some sort of public evaluation. but why not just be you, and be happy?
i think i'm there. sometimes, when it's quiet around me, and i can just be.
since i'm going away for a few, i thought i'd leave everyone with some over-laden heavy thoughts to nosh on. you're welcome.
tonight your homework is to make a list of your favorite things. these could include media such as books, movies, music, or make a list of your favorite smells, memories, or textures. find someone to have a snack with and share these lists with this other person until you both learn something about something. in this manner everyone can more understand the nature of humanity, all over a plate of cookies and a tall frosty glass of milk(or soy milk for you lactose intolerant peeps).
---
Monday, August 23, 2004
Sunday, August 22, 2004
" the time of insanity, or work (for now) is life "
---
is there any time to do anything for myself here? the answer is slightly no.
we are about to enter a crazy time where there is only four days of rest until october. this means that we will have to produce a show while on the road, do translations of over 50 menus in thai, english, and chinese, and also cut and record the normal show we're wotking on all at the same time.
so it's time to hit the road again. with all of it's stresses and seemingly elated sense of freedom. but it's work.
we venture tomorrow down to the south, then the deep south, then back to BKK, then up to the norths, the north east, the ease, then back bere to BKK and somehow i feel that it'll happen, but in what twisted manner will it all come together?
you homework for every day of this month(and quite possibly every night until october), is to listen to good music before you go to bed/call up a friend and invite them over for a game of scrabble and a beer/make lists of things that you are about then make copies and distribute them around town/laugh out loud to nobody in a public place, then jump up and down five times and then go home.
i'll see you all when i do.
---
is there any time to do anything for myself here? the answer is slightly no.
we are about to enter a crazy time where there is only four days of rest until october. this means that we will have to produce a show while on the road, do translations of over 50 menus in thai, english, and chinese, and also cut and record the normal show we're wotking on all at the same time.
so it's time to hit the road again. with all of it's stresses and seemingly elated sense of freedom. but it's work.
we venture tomorrow down to the south, then the deep south, then back to BKK, then up to the norths, the north east, the ease, then back bere to BKK and somehow i feel that it'll happen, but in what twisted manner will it all come together?
you homework for every day of this month(and quite possibly every night until october), is to listen to good music before you go to bed/call up a friend and invite them over for a game of scrabble and a beer/make lists of things that you are about then make copies and distribute them around town/laugh out loud to nobody in a public place, then jump up and down five times and then go home.
i'll see you all when i do.
---
" i really want to be "
---
some days i just sit and dream away the hours, thinking of what i'd like to do with my life. how many minutes have i spent doing absolutely nothing at all? there are too many of these wasted periods of time, where everything is thought out to the slightest detail, but nothing is done.
so.
i've begun a plan. one that is designed upon all of the other plans that i've incepted, whereby i will become sucessful in everything i attempt, no matter how long it takes, and quite possibly no matter the financial risk.
life is more than play and work and walking around observing. it's the subtle balance bewteen all these activities; the exploitation of inborn talents and networking the shit out of the contacts you already have.
i want to be a filmmaker, so why not be one? i want to be a photographer, and i think i am one everyday...what's the difference in actually doing it? not that much.
i want to write and create and draw and design and play and so everything in my power to manifest these dreams into a tangible reality. this is the plan, and for the first time, it's clear that it is attainable.
(ps-anyone have $3,500 US that they can scrounge up for me? hahah ahaha hah ahah ahahahah ...no really.)
---
some days i just sit and dream away the hours, thinking of what i'd like to do with my life. how many minutes have i spent doing absolutely nothing at all? there are too many of these wasted periods of time, where everything is thought out to the slightest detail, but nothing is done.
so.
i've begun a plan. one that is designed upon all of the other plans that i've incepted, whereby i will become sucessful in everything i attempt, no matter how long it takes, and quite possibly no matter the financial risk.
life is more than play and work and walking around observing. it's the subtle balance bewteen all these activities; the exploitation of inborn talents and networking the shit out of the contacts you already have.
i want to be a filmmaker, so why not be one? i want to be a photographer, and i think i am one everyday...what's the difference in actually doing it? not that much.
i want to write and create and draw and design and play and so everything in my power to manifest these dreams into a tangible reality. this is the plan, and for the first time, it's clear that it is attainable.
(ps-anyone have $3,500 US that they can scrounge up for me? hahah ahaha hah ahah ahahahah ...no really.)
---
Saturday, August 21, 2004
" this is what you write, when you have nothing left in you to write "
---
one day, i walked in the woods alone. the breeze was deftly blowing, with ghostly whistles shrieking though the trees. there was no day or night, just a forever dusk upon the world above, and i smelled tinges of cherry blossoms eminating from within the deep forest.
i was barefoot as i stepped through the trees at a slow pace; the soles of my feet sinking slightly into the cool, forgiving earth. tiny nocturnal animals flew above and whispered down to me, leading me ever-forward into the thicket's clutch; their tiny words floating down like glacial mist.
there was a song being sung somewhere in the heart of the woods, so i followed it. my body ached with a new pain from the thorns brushing past my arms and legs; each cut leaving a bright memory. as i grew nearer to the velvet tones, i felt a new light within my soul; the soothing melody alleviating any hint of corporeal tragedy.
i came upon a small open area, and there in the middle of a soft patch of blue-green dale-moss, sat a small elfin woman singing to no one and seemingly glowing with daylight; her limbs moving gracefully in the now still-weight ofthe air. everything seemed to become silent but for the power of her voice. i fell to my knees at the foot of the small tuft, and lay there until i felt nothing but blisses.
the world sank away behind my eyes, and i became a fleeting thought upon the lilt of her tune; my torn body and rough hands vanishing and the seconds flew by becoming minutes becoming days becoming eons,
until one day a small team of junior-scout archaeologists from patterson elementary came to look for ancient ignious rocks in the fell grove. they happened upon the skeletal remains of my body and took me apart at the joints, until iwas nothing more than a display in a small museum. they placed tiny placards next to my bones, and mounted them upon tall thin gold-plated stands.
---
one day, i walked in the woods alone. the breeze was deftly blowing, with ghostly whistles shrieking though the trees. there was no day or night, just a forever dusk upon the world above, and i smelled tinges of cherry blossoms eminating from within the deep forest.
i was barefoot as i stepped through the trees at a slow pace; the soles of my feet sinking slightly into the cool, forgiving earth. tiny nocturnal animals flew above and whispered down to me, leading me ever-forward into the thicket's clutch; their tiny words floating down like glacial mist.
there was a song being sung somewhere in the heart of the woods, so i followed it. my body ached with a new pain from the thorns brushing past my arms and legs; each cut leaving a bright memory. as i grew nearer to the velvet tones, i felt a new light within my soul; the soothing melody alleviating any hint of corporeal tragedy.
i came upon a small open area, and there in the middle of a soft patch of blue-green dale-moss, sat a small elfin woman singing to no one and seemingly glowing with daylight; her limbs moving gracefully in the now still-weight ofthe air. everything seemed to become silent but for the power of her voice. i fell to my knees at the foot of the small tuft, and lay there until i felt nothing but blisses.
the world sank away behind my eyes, and i became a fleeting thought upon the lilt of her tune; my torn body and rough hands vanishing and the seconds flew by becoming minutes becoming days becoming eons,
until one day a small team of junior-scout archaeologists from patterson elementary came to look for ancient ignious rocks in the fell grove. they happened upon the skeletal remains of my body and took me apart at the joints, until iwas nothing more than a display in a small museum. they placed tiny placards next to my bones, and mounted them upon tall thin gold-plated stands.
---
" ? "
---
do you ever wonder if everything we consider reality, is just some big dream-experiment and if someone in the unknown galaxies were to wake up, we might not ever have exsisted at all?
i do.
---
do you ever wonder if everything we consider reality, is just some big dream-experiment and if someone in the unknown galaxies were to wake up, we might not ever have exsisted at all?
i do.
---
Friday, August 20, 2004
" messing with people, and how not to "
---
i try to be a nice person.
there are times when i am angry, or selfish, or ill-tempered, and i happen to say things i don't mean. but those are those few and far between moments where i go into a blackout mode. my vision blurs and an inner animal comes out to play twisted games whereby i become a marionette, spewing out foul words, acting and reacting in an oddly crooked manner, and becoming not quite myself.
as i said, i try to be a nice person.
and i think i succeed. in fact i think everyone is entitled to make a mistake or three in their lifetimes. with matters of the heart, how can one properly navigate a relationship without stepping on the other persons toes once in a while; in a few hours the pain will subside and the massaging can take away any kept physio-emotional stresses. i mean, who wants to be with an @$$#*!# anyway right? i don't see what's gained by being outrightly mean. the "bad-boy" stigma might be enticing, but it's an empty vessel without an anchor.
to end today's thoughts then, i will share with you a personals' "what i am looking for" thingie from some random girl i found on the net. it's honest, a little sad in a cute way, and oddly interesting in a "what-happened-to-you-that-you-can-be-hurt-like-this-and-still-be-able-to-write-small-poetic-passages?" kind of way. i like people who say what they feel, and mean what they say. it just makes more sense that way, right?
so be kind to people.
be passionate, and loving; trusting and honest with yourself.
this is the way to really get to know people, and to let people get to know you.
the girl's passage:
ooh la la. i get a box to write in! i make/write for films and attend university. i play guitar (not well) and dance, am horrible at poker, and enjoy making my own clothing. a boy just broke my heart in two, so i'm not looking for anymore pain in my life... why, you and i could play a thousand games and dance for years and years. we could steal kisses like bandits, in the rain, under the moon, on the last frame of the photo-booth-picture-strip. we could bake cookies and eat them all before they cool. we could call each other just to say "i miss you" and leave notes in random places for ourselves to find when we're sad. we could live on love, and lust, and trust because there would be no betrayal. we could trace shapes on one another, all over our bodies near the steam and the candles and the hazy hazy evening shade. we could drive and drive until the sun went down and then sit on the hood of your car and watch the stars come out. we could swim in the blackest night water, and i wouldn't be scared because i'd know you'd always protect me from swamp monsters and bronto bites. we could do everything and nothing together, i bet. yeah, i bet you we could...
---
i try to be a nice person.
there are times when i am angry, or selfish, or ill-tempered, and i happen to say things i don't mean. but those are those few and far between moments where i go into a blackout mode. my vision blurs and an inner animal comes out to play twisted games whereby i become a marionette, spewing out foul words, acting and reacting in an oddly crooked manner, and becoming not quite myself.
as i said, i try to be a nice person.
and i think i succeed. in fact i think everyone is entitled to make a mistake or three in their lifetimes. with matters of the heart, how can one properly navigate a relationship without stepping on the other persons toes once in a while; in a few hours the pain will subside and the massaging can take away any kept physio-emotional stresses. i mean, who wants to be with an @$$#*!# anyway right? i don't see what's gained by being outrightly mean. the "bad-boy" stigma might be enticing, but it's an empty vessel without an anchor.
to end today's thoughts then, i will share with you a personals' "what i am looking for" thingie from some random girl i found on the net. it's honest, a little sad in a cute way, and oddly interesting in a "what-happened-to-you-that-you-can-be-hurt-like-this-and-still-be-able-to-write-small-poetic-passages?" kind of way. i like people who say what they feel, and mean what they say. it just makes more sense that way, right?
so be kind to people.
be passionate, and loving; trusting and honest with yourself.
this is the way to really get to know people, and to let people get to know you.
the girl's passage:
ooh la la. i get a box to write in! i make/write for films and attend university. i play guitar (not well) and dance, am horrible at poker, and enjoy making my own clothing. a boy just broke my heart in two, so i'm not looking for anymore pain in my life... why, you and i could play a thousand games and dance for years and years. we could steal kisses like bandits, in the rain, under the moon, on the last frame of the photo-booth-picture-strip. we could bake cookies and eat them all before they cool. we could call each other just to say "i miss you" and leave notes in random places for ourselves to find when we're sad. we could live on love, and lust, and trust because there would be no betrayal. we could trace shapes on one another, all over our bodies near the steam and the candles and the hazy hazy evening shade. we could drive and drive until the sun went down and then sit on the hood of your car and watch the stars come out. we could swim in the blackest night water, and i wouldn't be scared because i'd know you'd always protect me from swamp monsters and bronto bites. we could do everything and nothing together, i bet. yeah, i bet you we could...
---
Thursday, August 19, 2004
" cultural wonderies "
---
every 6:00pm in thailand, the national anthem is played.
everywhere you are, it is playing, no matter where it be: a stadium, a small restaurant, an open field filled with aerobic participants, an office building.
in this manner, it brings the country together in a systemic audio-visual sense of patriotic normalcy, and it is hard to not revel in the majesty of this daily event.
so, the next time you see it is a time corresponding with 6pm in thailand, bend your ear to the eastern winds, and listen for the faint whispers of thai freedom echoing from across the ocean.
---
every 6:00pm in thailand, the national anthem is played.
everywhere you are, it is playing, no matter where it be: a stadium, a small restaurant, an open field filled with aerobic participants, an office building.
in this manner, it brings the country together in a systemic audio-visual sense of patriotic normalcy, and it is hard to not revel in the majesty of this daily event.
so, the next time you see it is a time corresponding with 6pm in thailand, bend your ear to the eastern winds, and listen for the faint whispers of thai freedom echoing from across the ocean.
---
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
" old friends at the wall "
---
remember all those people you used to walk beside and past in yourhigh school? there is a sort of curiousity within me to find all of the people i once knew, and just see what they're up to. i mean, i know that i'm not the same person as i was in high school, but maybe i am, just older and oddly stranger (in a good way).
there's whispers in the hallways that don't exist anymore, which echo your name in a bright harmony which resides only is ghosts and faintly recollections.
you're standing in front of a wall. there is no getting past this insurmountable monument, because you don't know anything that lies beyond it.
the people that you once knew, and who knew you, traveled beyond this barriar and are now out there in the world somewhere.
there';s a small part of me that just wants to reaffirm that i'm going along this path in a good way, leaving in my wake a positive forwarding sense of the past.
then again, in all reality, to those few hundred others, the "they" and "them" that i would like to reconnect with, i might just be a faint memory of some asian kid that played the guitar down the hallway, when i didn't have any reason to have a guitar. the short guy who wore shants (short pants) and skated every break time and lunch and every day after school, even though i sucked. the kid who wanted everything, and got something else instead.
where are you all? these people that i seek. the people, that due to the lapse of time, i have only the first names of. the eden king, the tara's, the marion's, the sean gates's, the kenneths, the coby's the hanson's the joyce guan's, the everyone out there, living and existing in the blink of a past memory? where is everyone?
---
remember all those people you used to walk beside and past in yourhigh school? there is a sort of curiousity within me to find all of the people i once knew, and just see what they're up to. i mean, i know that i'm not the same person as i was in high school, but maybe i am, just older and oddly stranger (in a good way).
there's whispers in the hallways that don't exist anymore, which echo your name in a bright harmony which resides only is ghosts and faintly recollections.
you're standing in front of a wall. there is no getting past this insurmountable monument, because you don't know anything that lies beyond it.
the people that you once knew, and who knew you, traveled beyond this barriar and are now out there in the world somewhere.
there';s a small part of me that just wants to reaffirm that i'm going along this path in a good way, leaving in my wake a positive forwarding sense of the past.
then again, in all reality, to those few hundred others, the "they" and "them" that i would like to reconnect with, i might just be a faint memory of some asian kid that played the guitar down the hallway, when i didn't have any reason to have a guitar. the short guy who wore shants (short pants) and skated every break time and lunch and every day after school, even though i sucked. the kid who wanted everything, and got something else instead.
where are you all? these people that i seek. the people, that due to the lapse of time, i have only the first names of. the eden king, the tara's, the marion's, the sean gates's, the kenneths, the coby's the hanson's the joyce guan's, the everyone out there, living and existing in the blink of a past memory? where is everyone?
---
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
" LET'S DO THIS YO! "
---
dear everyone,
my uncle richard, has a photo lab/shop which is located in LA, is months away from having to be closed forever, due to the evil that is hollywood, and the onslaught of the so-called "digital revolution." (ie-pcrapperazzi, snide digi-students, and other like-minded digi/HD-hollyweirdos)
please, if you can help me out even though i am in a country far away, send any and all film to his establishment. he's been open for almost 30 years, and due to some damn computer chips, his life's work is going to crumble? no no no, not this lifetime. i mean you atlk about your mom-and-pop/nickel-and-dime stores disappearing???this is one of those places. and even though it's in hell-ay, it still has a special place in my heart. so give to the cause yo!
together we can save photography, film, quality processiong, dip-and-dunk darkroom processing, and a plethora of superb rush-hour possible super-quality other services as well. it's worth it if you love bay and art and film and grain, and anything that is rad about expression and freedom.
look past the shippping charges, look past the excuses, and help do your part on my behalf, to save a very dedicated man save his own stat-up business. anything, even a single roll of shit film from walgreens will help.
help save film. help save bay's passion. tell everyone you know, we only have a few months yo!
help out if you can.
thank you.
bay
here's the contact info, ask for richard!
also check out their site on how to drive there, if you live in LA or klnow peeps who are in LA. let's do this people!!!...tell him bay sent you!
(insert really good music here, like marvin gaye or something really sweet like that)
send all film of any sort to:
http://www.chromeandr.com/
CHROME & "R" COLOR LAB
8016 MELROSE AVE.
LOS ANGELES, CA 90046
TEL: 323.651.5173 • 800.480.5173
FAX 323.651.1534
chromr@pacbell.net
wherever you are, you're there.
---
dear everyone,
my uncle richard, has a photo lab/shop which is located in LA, is months away from having to be closed forever, due to the evil that is hollywood, and the onslaught of the so-called "digital revolution." (ie-pcrapperazzi, snide digi-students, and other like-minded digi/HD-hollyweirdos)
please, if you can help me out even though i am in a country far away, send any and all film to his establishment. he's been open for almost 30 years, and due to some damn computer chips, his life's work is going to crumble? no no no, not this lifetime. i mean you atlk about your mom-and-pop/nickel-and-dime stores disappearing???this is one of those places. and even though it's in hell-ay, it still has a special place in my heart. so give to the cause yo!
together we can save photography, film, quality processiong, dip-and-dunk darkroom processing, and a plethora of superb rush-hour possible super-quality other services as well. it's worth it if you love bay and art and film and grain, and anything that is rad about expression and freedom.
look past the shippping charges, look past the excuses, and help do your part on my behalf, to save a very dedicated man save his own stat-up business. anything, even a single roll of shit film from walgreens will help.
help save film. help save bay's passion. tell everyone you know, we only have a few months yo!
help out if you can.
thank you.
bay
here's the contact info, ask for richard!
also check out their site on how to drive there, if you live in LA or klnow peeps who are in LA. let's do this people!!!...tell him bay sent you!
(insert really good music here, like marvin gaye or something really sweet like that)
send all film of any sort to:
http://www.chromeandr.com/
CHROME & "R" COLOR LAB
8016 MELROSE AVE.
LOS ANGELES, CA 90046
TEL: 323.651.5173 • 800.480.5173
FAX 323.651.1534
chromr@pacbell.net
wherever you are, you're there.
---
" discovering alice "
---
i found a copied-from-the-real-book paper copy of "alice in wonderland" and also "through the looking-glass (and what alice found there)." i think i am going to read it. well read both of them.
ever feel like you ae a million miles away from yourself? it's like seeing yourself on television one day, and realizing that it's you there; but how can it be you? something wacky like that. like discovering alice in the office you work in, in thailand. does it have to make any sense at all?
tonight: pick up a book and read at least one ot two pages out of it. try and think about what you have just learned, and revel in the power of the written word.
here's to falling down the rabbit-hole, only to find yourself.
---
i found a copied-from-the-real-book paper copy of "alice in wonderland" and also "through the looking-glass (and what alice found there)." i think i am going to read it. well read both of them.
ever feel like you ae a million miles away from yourself? it's like seeing yourself on television one day, and realizing that it's you there; but how can it be you? something wacky like that. like discovering alice in the office you work in, in thailand. does it have to make any sense at all?
tonight: pick up a book and read at least one ot two pages out of it. try and think about what you have just learned, and revel in the power of the written word.
here's to falling down the rabbit-hole, only to find yourself.
---
Monday, August 16, 2004
" okay, okay okay, okay, i love beccagregyeaming, or the secret password is 'palm tree' "
---
this post is going to be really confusing, if you are not becca, yea-ming, or super-greg:
how many times do your friends get together, write and sing you a song, then record their rambly banter for you then burn it onto three cd's with photos i might add, then mail it all to you priority mail? well, once i guess, but once is enough in this case. so knowing that no one but these three will understand my digi-response (that is if they read my blog ever...) here it goes.
running response for CD 1:
crying while song is playing...the happy missing kind, not the sad kind...okay a little sad, but good sad.
i love that song, especially the yea-ming-like popness tinged will a little somber lovingness, much like a good rum.
you are not an alcoholic greg!
becca is a nerd for the thumb twitch thing
greg's right, it'll go away after a while (you should see his wierd pinkee)
i will give you massages always and ever
i miss becca too, so much. i didn't go anywhere southernly yet,...i am single again.
i like kisses, and now that i'm single again i could go for whatever...you guys are so drunk or giddy. i like it. when i'm away you can pretend all of us are all in a four way relationship
except me and greg don't kiss.
i'm not in the jungle
i am not with apple anymore, but she would've been a red delicious.
not not crunchy, a little juicy, but it wasn't sweet after the fact.
like the snake in the garden, maybe.
my mom is my mom...so she still is my mom.
dude, yea-ming, my mom is not a christian
she likes the environment and the music.
i agree with greg on the whole thinking of thai-girlfriend thing. you talk to my mom.
i am in BKK. and i'm not wearing a wife beater, no. but i am wearing a blue shirt with bunnies on it! is that cool? huh? guys?
i am wearing sandals yes. you are correct greg, on the computer at work
no hat yea-ming sorry. people wear too many hats in america.
i love natalie portman!! it's true.
i opened the cd of media stuff, and for some reason the only one i looked at was the natalie portman pic, then the rest. lol.
becca's dad said to me in their kitchen in albany, that natalie portman was a delight to work with. and then i fainted. lol.
yay becca for your obsessional internship. yay workaholism; i love that you are jobby jobbing it. even no money is worth the experience still. good for you. slot machines are sorta coolio. at least if you got the money. i am not suprised about the stressness.
20 years-old? online comics are booty, but i trust your judgement sorta
an RPG artist? you are so a nerd. i like it though. now we can talk nerd together.
damn you all for drinking w/out me.
i so want see garden state...like soooooo bad. hire me too greg!!!
yeah, tell me about the nude topless thing. i want to see that cut scene. but i do respect personal choices in filmicnessness.
i am thinking damn sorta. no need for that exploitation though.
i love my song yea-ming
it sounds perfect, just perfect. when you put music and greg and yeaming together, it gets ugly
i think becca is more like "ah whatever."
i want to play scrabble online! i miss board games like long-johns in winter.
i am seeing only hollywood boonanny. so that's half-okay.
greg is a technical-maniac about all of his cables and buttons. let him be, and it'll be okay.
i want to see greg sing GNR. that would be funny.
i would listen to anything that you all sing for me. somehow karaoke sounds the best when its sung by your drunken friends who miss you.
yay oakland shirt on becca. dude! we could so make tee-shirts!!!
becca takes so long in the bathroom!!!! so long. it's true. go go go, i can't hear her in the WC though. that's cool though, i trust you.
no more britney please.
DON'T MOVE TO LA!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!! but i understand. you're going to hate it at first, then love it, and that's going to be sad.
i also have no clue when i'm getting back. i hate LA though.
sorry about hawaiian getaway. you quit your job? you are so crazy yea-ming. you should visit me in thailand right? then you can hang out with me and then visit your dad. bands are temporary, travel is forever.
yay for yea-ming's mom!!! i like that you're in NY kickin it, but i wish i were there.
i want to cut your bangs becca.
greg has no hair, but that's cool. it's oddly sophisticated. how can you "grow it out?" wierdo.
i love your love bond for me. but aren't you happy that i'm in thailand? i miss you guys so much. it's exactly what i needed. like spot-on exactly.
the sound of music part is nice, but scary. ghood attempt though. i can hear greg drumming in the background. way to crap it up greg!
i love everything about this. boring is so the opposite of what this is. i gave you the address!!!!! send me stuffesess yo!
the AIDS convention was the bomb! if i even had the opportunity to get some, i would use condomness. so don't worry.
yay awareness!
i already am absentee voting yo.
i cannot tell you when i am coming back, but i do promise you guys emails. this blog post is the frickin' bone maaaaan. well the first gristle at least.
yea-ming is a lush. which is cute when she's singing. go wine!
i am not the guy from swingers, i mean until the end of the movie of couse. i love that flick!
lookit lookit. yea-ming breaking hearts all over the place-likes! eeeew 50 year-olds looking for yea-ming. (again sorry for your breakup with older guy, that sucks) tip: nice doesn't always equal good for you.
mmmhmmmm that's right. you guys are so drunk....ahhh then britney karaoke again?
i like it when becca sings. first takes that go the best are the greatest. becca could very well be the greatest whistler ever.
text-to-speech? ibm?? sitting for hours on end??? greg is a nerd. for reez
women cannot whistle? becca was taught to whistle by men. i agree with becca's idea of an all-girls whistling class with an extra day for comic-bookery. i'll be a drop-in tutor/instructor.
you guys are such nerds fro breaking down the nature of whistling. my ears are breaking though.
i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, and i do snore so much. brent visited? he is so crazy that boy. slovakian prostitute??becca dear, that was not a character, it's real.
greg and brent's secret is that they love eachother. there, i said it.
what's the secret!!!???? he is a spy? a spy for who??
the story of becca's life is not yet shared with me? i want the acid virginity story. i'll tell you the stry of my not-taking acid self and my virginity story. it's not very impressive.
greg's excuses for streets with numbers sucks! i agree with the girls greg. not embarassing at all. greg is soooooo always needing to be perfect, but that's okay. i do understand you man, i do.
when yea-ming sings, it opens up the clear-blue in my soul. never not sing to me, for i would surely dissapear and vanish. your singing keeps me visable.
you so don't know the lyrics, but thas cool. boo phone ringing. hello? you so missed it. i'll call you. accidental hooker date man? what? huh? don't mess with nice guys. i understand that sort of non-attractedness guy. you should call me.
they don't have avacados here, and i really want some gwakamole too. it is always 12 hours ahead here in thailand. yea-ming is so yea-mingy over the phone. for whatever that means. i think greg and becca understand what i mean. it's sooo yea-mingy.
you so cannot go out on a date with him dude. you should stay single and play music for me. i'll hire you for 20 bucks an hour. whaddaya think?
greg is an ass#*## for the avacado eating and not sharing thing.
becca is so crazy. in a cool way, not a scary way
of course i want to listen to you guys. anything is better than nothing!!!
make it interesting, yay!
the new roots album sucks?? dude, send me a copy so i can tell. gray haired beasties are cool still, right? i think so. dude, send me music!!!!
i miss the bay too. oooooooh camping? i miss camping!
aaahhhvacado...hah ahah greg sucks. no one says pie-jamus!
i agree with becca, says me greg! pi-jaymus
allmond. i don't wear pi-jamus
i don't say toematoes. that's not me!!
greg has no clue what i sound like!
yea-ming: read my testamonial on your friendster, when you think of my being like that again...
um, i miss crosswords!!! dudem you guys should fill em out until you can't, then send em to me.
six-letter word for nuts? i have no clue.
becca is a force to be recognized with. no revenge on my though you leo.
yeah do mine! greg is drunk and cannot read straight. you should rock the paycheck boat greg. face reality!
libra : go cosmic 30th-the 2nd. watch out and take defensive measures. you agreeingness.
i so had a dramatic i waited 48 hourse before acting. my anus is not my money manager! i am trying to apply the test of time, but i don't know where to apply to.
i am so not bored.
don't call it a night! you so don't have ten minutes! only 2...i love the sunshine song!
i love it when becca sings, because becca never sings to me. it's like a piece of light within beaming throughout.
damn you greg! i want bryers. lactaid!!!! you two girls suck! always carry your lactaid with you.
no one is your pimp daddy. greg sucks. all of you need less alcohol. a lot less alcohol.
running response for CD 2:
when greg says where's my ice-cream..it sounds wierd. i like the fact that yea-ming started to be insulted. lol. all of you are so funny
no more games.
greg used the word facetious. he is a dork for that one. wait, is that how to say it? stop saying bitch greg. spread the love, not the harshness.
if you ask for ice-cream, don't question the amount given, especially when your friend gets it for you.
no bryers ice cream here...butt munch!
i do have a cell phone
you can call me.
i'll give you the number later.
big is not doing anything at all. lol. he is at home prolly playing online games.
i love the melody too, yay janky recording piano !
thanks for recording you eating the last of the ice cream out your bowl for me, greg!! now i have to walk my ass to the store and buy some. jeez, i'm getting fat over here al because of you.
greg is not going to rock anything. you have anger issues. lol. i like NY. we can switch. i wish i had a wormhole that went to CA.
yay earning money for greg!!
girls, we were never "intimate." hah ahah aha hah, no really.
yeah yea-ming visiting. yay free days with becca. boo paper for becca.
i don't either, meaning think less of you. it was the same when i visited. remember that? i am so happy that you are together, and friends, and all safe, and drunk, and that you got together and recorded me a gem of a few discs for me to hear while far far far far away from you all. you really really don't know how much a gift like this means. it's like a validation of your true connection with people.
yeaming, don't be scared that you're single. we still love you. being single is no big thingie.
greg is not an ass, and not knowing what you're doing is all a part of life. if you focus too much on the destination, you'll never see the good things along the path. don't rush it. there's a long way to go yet. i agree, the best way to do it all, is just to do it.
who said real life was going to be any better? make is all what you want to make of it. that's what i'm trying to do.
y'all think i'm not scared out here by myself, surrounded by good people, but very very alone? i'm scared every day, but you find a way to adapt and push on through and deal. and all of you are in a country where you speak the language too. hah. i onle have maybe a 70% grasp of it, so yeah.
we are creative professionals, it's all about how you percieve your successes yea. i think all four of us are really headed for a good place. we are going to make it, you just have to set realistic localized goals for yourself, then the goods will gravitate towards you. yea-ming is not a whore for wanting to be a great singer. lol
life is wierd.
this cd has turned into a three-way therapy session.
it's true, not a lot of people have the opportunity to realize their dreams. go go go! it's all about sacrifices and the balance within those decisions.
asian moms are harsh sometimes yea-ming. you should just trust that you are doing what you love to do. moms are moms.
greg, some parents are really like that though. it's a black and white world in some people.
you are absolutely amazing yea-ming. i understand your thing with your mom. there's something about the way mom's give you that look(or not) and give you that "ai-yah" that can just take all of your power away, but keep on trucking. you'll get it.
forced piano lessons are heavy, but greg is good at he marimbas thingie. yeah for flipping out your parents. make art, not chemicals.
it's always the role of the parents to question the paths of the children, but it's up to us, now as the children that have come up in the world, to just know that to own yourself is okay. being who you are, and what you want to be and do, is okay. it's up to you, not to your parents. it's not a disrespectful thing, to live how you want to live. it's about free will, and love. no need to be ashamed. ...it's true, you are so sensitive. that's what makes your songs good.
parents are human too.
i am still here.
she likes becca cause becca is a girl.
i remember eating lunch at your house. it was good.
it's true!! my mom loves becca.
you two were horrible roomies, but you are great friends now.
true test of womanyness? i love that becca said that with a straight face.
i'm a good roomie. consider it!
greg is a nerd for having to think about his apartment in terms of "equipment."
bay area is third in the nation in terms of living cost.
i have something personal to say. lol.
say something becca! i know what you mean about being an okay starving artist.
it's nice to not have a big drama to deal with; like real drama. (becca is not real good when put on the spot like this greg) lol.
listen to the end of the first disc greg, hah ahah ah . then regret...but don't sweat it.
yea-ming: you are not dumb!!!!!!!
dude, i agree: greg is over critical; he gets it from his parents. he is a by-product of his rearing.
becca is not crazy. she is just passionate is all, and sometimes all of that energy collects into one moment and flourishes in a single instance. but that's okay. i like her face.
i miss becca's voice.
i am so not confused by becca's self-explanation of herself. it's quite crystal.
it's true, becca's face cannot hide anything. it''ll be right there. she has great apple-cheeks. and beautiful eyes too.
greg is super-serious when he has to be, but he just doesn't let loose, unless he is in his calm, element. it's true. yay karaoke greg! show it more greg. less tension.
this is turning out to be some sort of dr. phil session. it so interesting in a bay area, albany, sort of us kind of way. i like it. hah ahah aha hahh a. and now i miss you guys even more.
becca is very intense at times, but i'm used to it.
yea-ming is not fake: she is the real deal. you don't have to please everyone.
screw pleasing all these other people: please yourself! at least that's what i try to do .....25% of the time. lol, it's a tough gig yo.
i think we should all get together and hang out when i get back, lol
new york makes you self-consious, but i loved every second of it. you don't need to be a model becca. berkeley is the hot spot. i love that you don't care as much. i know you!
yea-ming looks good. i agree.
greg is cool. don't worry about it everyone. be who you are!
(this is starting to turn into a self-help thing)
yea-ming akes guys gain weight! i'll go out with you. i love to eat too.
yeah, can we actually listen to the song??! jeez, i'm still here too!
i will know it!
greg just said titoo. what's that?
yea-ming has a head pounding, drink some water hun.
i thinkhta becca was
i am not a koala! okay maybe a koala with those thick glasses.
i want a snuggle. i am so noctuminal.
i always thought i was a monkey. hmmm.
becca's in the bathroom again?
beccas not norman rockwell. or normal at all. she is a unique fiersty thing.
i miss all of you more, and love all of you too.
i don't have a pie-hole greg. lol. i know where that's from. everyone's seen that movie. (office space "watch your cornhole, man")
i'm a cool inernational nerd.
dude, all of you should totally come to thailand!
you better read my blog, because i am alive. you all are so wierd. i tell you to read my blog every day, and do you? no! now, you have to, hah aha hah .
108 minutes of pure international love.
thank you guys!
---
this post is going to be really confusing, if you are not becca, yea-ming, or super-greg:
how many times do your friends get together, write and sing you a song, then record their rambly banter for you then burn it onto three cd's with photos i might add, then mail it all to you priority mail? well, once i guess, but once is enough in this case. so knowing that no one but these three will understand my digi-response (that is if they read my blog ever...) here it goes.
running response for CD 1:
crying while song is playing...the happy missing kind, not the sad kind...okay a little sad, but good sad.
i love that song, especially the yea-ming-like popness tinged will a little somber lovingness, much like a good rum.
you are not an alcoholic greg!
becca is a nerd for the thumb twitch thing
greg's right, it'll go away after a while (you should see his wierd pinkee)
i will give you massages always and ever
i miss becca too, so much. i didn't go anywhere southernly yet,...i am single again.
i like kisses, and now that i'm single again i could go for whatever...you guys are so drunk or giddy. i like it. when i'm away you can pretend all of us are all in a four way relationship
except me and greg don't kiss.
i'm not in the jungle
i am not with apple anymore, but she would've been a red delicious.
not not crunchy, a little juicy, but it wasn't sweet after the fact.
like the snake in the garden, maybe.
my mom is my mom...so she still is my mom.
dude, yea-ming, my mom is not a christian
she likes the environment and the music.
i agree with greg on the whole thinking of thai-girlfriend thing. you talk to my mom.
i am in BKK. and i'm not wearing a wife beater, no. but i am wearing a blue shirt with bunnies on it! is that cool? huh? guys?
i am wearing sandals yes. you are correct greg, on the computer at work
no hat yea-ming sorry. people wear too many hats in america.
i love natalie portman!! it's true.
i opened the cd of media stuff, and for some reason the only one i looked at was the natalie portman pic, then the rest. lol.
becca's dad said to me in their kitchen in albany, that natalie portman was a delight to work with. and then i fainted. lol.
yay becca for your obsessional internship. yay workaholism; i love that you are jobby jobbing it. even no money is worth the experience still. good for you. slot machines are sorta coolio. at least if you got the money. i am not suprised about the stressness.
20 years-old? online comics are booty, but i trust your judgement sorta
an RPG artist? you are so a nerd. i like it though. now we can talk nerd together.
damn you all for drinking w/out me.
i so want see garden state...like soooooo bad. hire me too greg!!!
yeah, tell me about the nude topless thing. i want to see that cut scene. but i do respect personal choices in filmicnessness.
i am thinking damn sorta. no need for that exploitation though.
i love my song yea-ming
it sounds perfect, just perfect. when you put music and greg and yeaming together, it gets ugly
i think becca is more like "ah whatever."
i want to play scrabble online! i miss board games like long-johns in winter.
i am seeing only hollywood boonanny. so that's half-okay.
greg is a technical-maniac about all of his cables and buttons. let him be, and it'll be okay.
i want to see greg sing GNR. that would be funny.
i would listen to anything that you all sing for me. somehow karaoke sounds the best when its sung by your drunken friends who miss you.
yay oakland shirt on becca. dude! we could so make tee-shirts!!!
becca takes so long in the bathroom!!!! so long. it's true. go go go, i can't hear her in the WC though. that's cool though, i trust you.
no more britney please.
DON'T MOVE TO LA!!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!! but i understand. you're going to hate it at first, then love it, and that's going to be sad.
i also have no clue when i'm getting back. i hate LA though.
sorry about hawaiian getaway. you quit your job? you are so crazy yea-ming. you should visit me in thailand right? then you can hang out with me and then visit your dad. bands are temporary, travel is forever.
yay for yea-ming's mom!!! i like that you're in NY kickin it, but i wish i were there.
i want to cut your bangs becca.
greg has no hair, but that's cool. it's oddly sophisticated. how can you "grow it out?" wierdo.
i love your love bond for me. but aren't you happy that i'm in thailand? i miss you guys so much. it's exactly what i needed. like spot-on exactly.
the sound of music part is nice, but scary. ghood attempt though. i can hear greg drumming in the background. way to crap it up greg!
i love everything about this. boring is so the opposite of what this is. i gave you the address!!!!! send me stuffesess yo!
the AIDS convention was the bomb! if i even had the opportunity to get some, i would use condomness. so don't worry.
yay awareness!
i already am absentee voting yo.
i cannot tell you when i am coming back, but i do promise you guys emails. this blog post is the frickin' bone maaaaan. well the first gristle at least.
yea-ming is a lush. which is cute when she's singing. go wine!
i am not the guy from swingers, i mean until the end of the movie of couse. i love that flick!
lookit lookit. yea-ming breaking hearts all over the place-likes! eeeew 50 year-olds looking for yea-ming. (again sorry for your breakup with older guy, that sucks) tip: nice doesn't always equal good for you.
mmmhmmmm that's right. you guys are so drunk....ahhh then britney karaoke again?
i like it when becca sings. first takes that go the best are the greatest. becca could very well be the greatest whistler ever.
text-to-speech? ibm?? sitting for hours on end??? greg is a nerd. for reez
women cannot whistle? becca was taught to whistle by men. i agree with becca's idea of an all-girls whistling class with an extra day for comic-bookery. i'll be a drop-in tutor/instructor.
you guys are such nerds fro breaking down the nature of whistling. my ears are breaking though.
i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, and i do snore so much. brent visited? he is so crazy that boy. slovakian prostitute??becca dear, that was not a character, it's real.
greg and brent's secret is that they love eachother. there, i said it.
what's the secret!!!???? he is a spy? a spy for who??
the story of becca's life is not yet shared with me? i want the acid virginity story. i'll tell you the stry of my not-taking acid self and my virginity story. it's not very impressive.
greg's excuses for streets with numbers sucks! i agree with the girls greg. not embarassing at all. greg is soooooo always needing to be perfect, but that's okay. i do understand you man, i do.
when yea-ming sings, it opens up the clear-blue in my soul. never not sing to me, for i would surely dissapear and vanish. your singing keeps me visable.
you so don't know the lyrics, but thas cool. boo phone ringing. hello? you so missed it. i'll call you. accidental hooker date man? what? huh? don't mess with nice guys. i understand that sort of non-attractedness guy. you should call me.
they don't have avacados here, and i really want some gwakamole too. it is always 12 hours ahead here in thailand. yea-ming is so yea-mingy over the phone. for whatever that means. i think greg and becca understand what i mean. it's sooo yea-mingy.
you so cannot go out on a date with him dude. you should stay single and play music for me. i'll hire you for 20 bucks an hour. whaddaya think?
greg is an ass#*## for the avacado eating and not sharing thing.
becca is so crazy. in a cool way, not a scary way
of course i want to listen to you guys. anything is better than nothing!!!
make it interesting, yay!
the new roots album sucks?? dude, send me a copy so i can tell. gray haired beasties are cool still, right? i think so. dude, send me music!!!!
i miss the bay too. oooooooh camping? i miss camping!
aaahhhvacado...hah ahah greg sucks. no one says pie-jamus!
i agree with becca, says me greg! pi-jaymus
allmond. i don't wear pi-jamus
i don't say toematoes. that's not me!!
greg has no clue what i sound like!
yea-ming: read my testamonial on your friendster, when you think of my being like that again...
um, i miss crosswords!!! dudem you guys should fill em out until you can't, then send em to me.
six-letter word for nuts? i have no clue.
becca is a force to be recognized with. no revenge on my though you leo.
yeah do mine! greg is drunk and cannot read straight. you should rock the paycheck boat greg. face reality!
libra : go cosmic 30th-the 2nd. watch out and take defensive measures. you agreeingness.
i so had a dramatic i waited 48 hourse before acting. my anus is not my money manager! i am trying to apply the test of time, but i don't know where to apply to.
i am so not bored.
don't call it a night! you so don't have ten minutes! only 2...i love the sunshine song!
i love it when becca sings, because becca never sings to me. it's like a piece of light within beaming throughout.
damn you greg! i want bryers. lactaid!!!! you two girls suck! always carry your lactaid with you.
no one is your pimp daddy. greg sucks. all of you need less alcohol. a lot less alcohol.
running response for CD 2:
when greg says where's my ice-cream..it sounds wierd. i like the fact that yea-ming started to be insulted. lol. all of you are so funny
no more games.
greg used the word facetious. he is a dork for that one. wait, is that how to say it? stop saying bitch greg. spread the love, not the harshness.
if you ask for ice-cream, don't question the amount given, especially when your friend gets it for you.
no bryers ice cream here...butt munch!
i do have a cell phone
you can call me.
i'll give you the number later.
big is not doing anything at all. lol. he is at home prolly playing online games.
i love the melody too, yay janky recording piano !
thanks for recording you eating the last of the ice cream out your bowl for me, greg!! now i have to walk my ass to the store and buy some. jeez, i'm getting fat over here al because of you.
greg is not going to rock anything. you have anger issues. lol. i like NY. we can switch. i wish i had a wormhole that went to CA.
yay earning money for greg!!
girls, we were never "intimate." hah ahah aha hah, no really.
yeah yea-ming visiting. yay free days with becca. boo paper for becca.
i don't either, meaning think less of you. it was the same when i visited. remember that? i am so happy that you are together, and friends, and all safe, and drunk, and that you got together and recorded me a gem of a few discs for me to hear while far far far far away from you all. you really really don't know how much a gift like this means. it's like a validation of your true connection with people.
yeaming, don't be scared that you're single. we still love you. being single is no big thingie.
greg is not an ass, and not knowing what you're doing is all a part of life. if you focus too much on the destination, you'll never see the good things along the path. don't rush it. there's a long way to go yet. i agree, the best way to do it all, is just to do it.
who said real life was going to be any better? make is all what you want to make of it. that's what i'm trying to do.
y'all think i'm not scared out here by myself, surrounded by good people, but very very alone? i'm scared every day, but you find a way to adapt and push on through and deal. and all of you are in a country where you speak the language too. hah. i onle have maybe a 70% grasp of it, so yeah.
we are creative professionals, it's all about how you percieve your successes yea. i think all four of us are really headed for a good place. we are going to make it, you just have to set realistic localized goals for yourself, then the goods will gravitate towards you. yea-ming is not a whore for wanting to be a great singer. lol
life is wierd.
this cd has turned into a three-way therapy session.
it's true, not a lot of people have the opportunity to realize their dreams. go go go! it's all about sacrifices and the balance within those decisions.
asian moms are harsh sometimes yea-ming. you should just trust that you are doing what you love to do. moms are moms.
greg, some parents are really like that though. it's a black and white world in some people.
you are absolutely amazing yea-ming. i understand your thing with your mom. there's something about the way mom's give you that look(or not) and give you that "ai-yah" that can just take all of your power away, but keep on trucking. you'll get it.
forced piano lessons are heavy, but greg is good at he marimbas thingie. yeah for flipping out your parents. make art, not chemicals.
it's always the role of the parents to question the paths of the children, but it's up to us, now as the children that have come up in the world, to just know that to own yourself is okay. being who you are, and what you want to be and do, is okay. it's up to you, not to your parents. it's not a disrespectful thing, to live how you want to live. it's about free will, and love. no need to be ashamed. ...it's true, you are so sensitive. that's what makes your songs good.
parents are human too.
i am still here.
she likes becca cause becca is a girl.
i remember eating lunch at your house. it was good.
it's true!! my mom loves becca.
you two were horrible roomies, but you are great friends now.
true test of womanyness? i love that becca said that with a straight face.
i'm a good roomie. consider it!
greg is a nerd for having to think about his apartment in terms of "equipment."
bay area is third in the nation in terms of living cost.
i have something personal to say. lol.
say something becca! i know what you mean about being an okay starving artist.
it's nice to not have a big drama to deal with; like real drama. (becca is not real good when put on the spot like this greg) lol.
listen to the end of the first disc greg, hah ahah ah . then regret...but don't sweat it.
yea-ming: you are not dumb!!!!!!!
dude, i agree: greg is over critical; he gets it from his parents. he is a by-product of his rearing.
becca is not crazy. she is just passionate is all, and sometimes all of that energy collects into one moment and flourishes in a single instance. but that's okay. i like her face.
i miss becca's voice.
i am so not confused by becca's self-explanation of herself. it's quite crystal.
it's true, becca's face cannot hide anything. it''ll be right there. she has great apple-cheeks. and beautiful eyes too.
greg is super-serious when he has to be, but he just doesn't let loose, unless he is in his calm, element. it's true. yay karaoke greg! show it more greg. less tension.
this is turning out to be some sort of dr. phil session. it so interesting in a bay area, albany, sort of us kind of way. i like it. hah ahah aha hahh a. and now i miss you guys even more.
becca is very intense at times, but i'm used to it.
yea-ming is not fake: she is the real deal. you don't have to please everyone.
screw pleasing all these other people: please yourself! at least that's what i try to do .....25% of the time. lol, it's a tough gig yo.
i think we should all get together and hang out when i get back, lol
new york makes you self-consious, but i loved every second of it. you don't need to be a model becca. berkeley is the hot spot. i love that you don't care as much. i know you!
yea-ming looks good. i agree.
greg is cool. don't worry about it everyone. be who you are!
(this is starting to turn into a self-help thing)
yea-ming akes guys gain weight! i'll go out with you. i love to eat too.
yeah, can we actually listen to the song??! jeez, i'm still here too!
i will know it!
greg just said titoo. what's that?
yea-ming has a head pounding, drink some water hun.
i thinkhta becca was
i am not a koala! okay maybe a koala with those thick glasses.
i want a snuggle. i am so noctuminal.
i always thought i was a monkey. hmmm.
becca's in the bathroom again?
beccas not norman rockwell. or normal at all. she is a unique fiersty thing.
i miss all of you more, and love all of you too.
i don't have a pie-hole greg. lol. i know where that's from. everyone's seen that movie. (office space "watch your cornhole, man")
i'm a cool inernational nerd.
dude, all of you should totally come to thailand!
you better read my blog, because i am alive. you all are so wierd. i tell you to read my blog every day, and do you? no! now, you have to, hah aha hah .
108 minutes of pure international love.
thank you guys!
---
" things are funny when your body is hurty "
---
apologies beforehand...which means it only get better from here.
yesterday i didn't eat anything. this is because the night before i ate some ill noodle dish, and ended up speding the hours i usually spend sleeping, sitting in the tiny bathroom of mine.
needless to say at this point you really didn't need to know that, but it does provide the template for the hours and hours of near hallucinatory giddiness that came over me due to loss of appetite and water and mind.
so yesterday was spent actually attempting to do my job (on location DV camera-manning) and i spent every single second of pause possible sleeping wherever i could, just so i would forget the immense pain in my lower stomach and the fact that everything made me want to hurl.
i saw blackend fields of vision, a plethora of stars shining where there were no stars, and heard so many noises and voices screaming and blaring all around me (we were working in a mall), that when i did awaken from my small pauses of non-REM sleep, it was a hell to come into.
at night i took a shower and attempted to sleep again. this morning, i came down to work early, at the beck and call of my bosslady, and started (and what i am still doing at this very moment, right now).
my back hurts, my body hurts, my skin hurts. i have a headache the size of colorado state, and my whole being is in limbo. but all of a sudden i am really really hungry, as it is now 2pm, and everyone in the office has yet to eat. anything like this in america would be considered barbaric working conditions, but here we like to call it monday, the first day in the week that never ends.
this is all.
ps- hey greg man, thanks for the care package, it really helps me retain sanity here...it really does.
---
apologies beforehand...which means it only get better from here.
yesterday i didn't eat anything. this is because the night before i ate some ill noodle dish, and ended up speding the hours i usually spend sleeping, sitting in the tiny bathroom of mine.
needless to say at this point you really didn't need to know that, but it does provide the template for the hours and hours of near hallucinatory giddiness that came over me due to loss of appetite and water and mind.
so yesterday was spent actually attempting to do my job (on location DV camera-manning) and i spent every single second of pause possible sleeping wherever i could, just so i would forget the immense pain in my lower stomach and the fact that everything made me want to hurl.
i saw blackend fields of vision, a plethora of stars shining where there were no stars, and heard so many noises and voices screaming and blaring all around me (we were working in a mall), that when i did awaken from my small pauses of non-REM sleep, it was a hell to come into.
at night i took a shower and attempted to sleep again. this morning, i came down to work early, at the beck and call of my bosslady, and started (and what i am still doing at this very moment, right now).
my back hurts, my body hurts, my skin hurts. i have a headache the size of colorado state, and my whole being is in limbo. but all of a sudden i am really really hungry, as it is now 2pm, and everyone in the office has yet to eat. anything like this in america would be considered barbaric working conditions, but here we like to call it monday, the first day in the week that never ends.
this is all.
ps- hey greg man, thanks for the care package, it really helps me retain sanity here...it really does.
---
Saturday, August 14, 2004
" cuts on the bottom of your feet "
---
yesterday i went to Hua Hin, and while swimming the ocean, i cut my foot on the coral reef below. now, i know all about the supression of physical pain, but when you cut any part of your body in the ocean, you have to realize that the ocean is saltwater.
this means that every single second of my time playing in the ocean-likes, i had to stand the constant ringy-ding-stinging of this gash on the bottom of my foot.
today i went to Siam (a shopping mecca) and met a family friend to have lunch. the dull throbbing pain of my foot cut, multipled with every single step in the most bright sensational sort of way.
so, without futher ado, i present
"bay's short how-to doctoring oneself on minor cuts and scrapes"
when you get a cut anywhere, remember to clean it out properly with a cleaning or disinfectiong saline solution, after of course you stop the bleeding with applied pressure and keeping wherever the cut is above your heart,(if you can) . i mean, it's either that or pee on the cut, which could prove really hard if say the cut is on your back or elbow.
the next step is to dry the area properly with a steralized cotton pad, remove any loose frays of cotton from the wound, then apply some medicated balm. the kind i regularly use are bactine and neosporin. both have their own defining properties, but i find the bactine to sting like the dickens, and the neosporin has a cream solution that absorbs fast and doesn't leave that weird yellow stainy smell after a few hours, so that's nice.
the last step is to apply a sterile gauze pad or one of those new super johnson & johnson waterproof breatheable bandages that form to the mold of your body. yet another modern option is to use that medicated drying invisible salve that dried much like a band-aid, yet is still protective and coats like a bandage. yay modern salves, right?
all of these measures can ensure that your cut or minor wound, will affectively heal in a matter of days or at least under a weeks time. it's interesting how all of this seemingly useless information(when you don't have cuts of any sort) falls right into its useful place when you do have a pain. especially when it happens to be on the bottom of your sole.
happy self-administered doctoring!
---
yesterday i went to Hua Hin, and while swimming the ocean, i cut my foot on the coral reef below. now, i know all about the supression of physical pain, but when you cut any part of your body in the ocean, you have to realize that the ocean is saltwater.
this means that every single second of my time playing in the ocean-likes, i had to stand the constant ringy-ding-stinging of this gash on the bottom of my foot.
today i went to Siam (a shopping mecca) and met a family friend to have lunch. the dull throbbing pain of my foot cut, multipled with every single step in the most bright sensational sort of way.
so, without futher ado, i present
"bay's short how-to doctoring oneself on minor cuts and scrapes"
when you get a cut anywhere, remember to clean it out properly with a cleaning or disinfectiong saline solution, after of course you stop the bleeding with applied pressure and keeping wherever the cut is above your heart,(if you can) . i mean, it's either that or pee on the cut, which could prove really hard if say the cut is on your back or elbow.
the next step is to dry the area properly with a steralized cotton pad, remove any loose frays of cotton from the wound, then apply some medicated balm. the kind i regularly use are bactine and neosporin. both have their own defining properties, but i find the bactine to sting like the dickens, and the neosporin has a cream solution that absorbs fast and doesn't leave that weird yellow stainy smell after a few hours, so that's nice.
the last step is to apply a sterile gauze pad or one of those new super johnson & johnson waterproof breatheable bandages that form to the mold of your body. yet another modern option is to use that medicated drying invisible salve that dried much like a band-aid, yet is still protective and coats like a bandage. yay modern salves, right?
all of these measures can ensure that your cut or minor wound, will affectively heal in a matter of days or at least under a weeks time. it's interesting how all of this seemingly useless information(when you don't have cuts of any sort) falls right into its useful place when you do have a pain. especially when it happens to be on the bottom of your sole.
happy self-administered doctoring!
---
Friday, August 13, 2004
" prepare to have your heart broken in the right way "
---
today i went with my production team to Hua Hin, a sort of getaway area of Thailand, to do an on location shoot for my boss lady. that's not the good part, that's the work part.
it was hot as all hell, and everyone really really worked hard doing our jobs.
in the afternoon, we all went to this really nice hotel to relax until the nighttime, when we would return to the grounds again, and shoot again.
we decided to go down to the beach and touch the ocean.
now there's something you all should know here; in Thailand everyone that can afford it or swing it, has maids. usually the girls are young and from burma or laos, or they are moms/daughter duos; the boys are servants, or drivers. it's a hard reality to face day in and day out, but it's reality here and it exists.
we went with two of the maids from the house, ping and mai. mai is more open and knowledgable about the world and what's up, while ping is around 14/15, and is a tiny little thing. it's hard to smile in the day when a girl like that, that is so small and sweet, has to clean your dishes and wash your clothes and such.
i went down with the two maids to the shoreline and we walked a little bit in, kicking at the water, and picking up seashells. the day was beautifully overcast just right; the lulling ocean was calm and a deep blue green. it felt so good to just have a good relaxing moment. it's hard to know how the girls feel when they are in their maid mode because they have to hide their emotions, but when they are away from the eyes of the boss, they are so happy and carefree.
i asked ping if she wanted to go swim in the ocean, and she said that she didn't want to because she didn't bring any swim clothes. i said it's no problem, because someone might have some extra clothes to change into. she still said no.
some of the other co-workers came down to the beach around 20 minutes later, and wanted to go for a swim. i had nothing to change into also, but i asked them for ping, whether they had something for her to change into. i mean, why not? we're here, it's beautiful, i know in her heart she wanted to, so let's go go go right?
we found an outfit for her to change into, and she laughed out loud and we all went into the sea. she was so giddy. she splashed around and dunked her squirmy little body in the ocean like a duck that has gone on the water for the first time. it was so nice to see her having such a good time.
she accidentally tasted some of the sea water, and immediately exclaimed "it's salty!!" i asked her if she ever swam in the ocean before, and she said no. never.
my heart broke all over this afternoon, because it just seems skewed for that even to be. 14, 15, and never swam in the ocean? crazy? yeah!
she was so happy splashing around. wriggling and laughing uncontrollably with delight and going out too far. trying to swim around and having the current take her out and wash her back in. it's like someone discovering laughter. it was really fun today, i don't think i'll forget it.
life is like a long trip with some few spectacular pitstops. this was one of them. if you saw how genuinely elated she was, and knew what she had to go back to tomorrow, it would just make you crumble. this is why i try and treat everyone with the same amount of equality and respect, because some people never know what to be free will feel like.
tonight meditate on that fact for 20 minutes, think about all of the non-sensical idle things that you worry about, and think about the misfortune of people like this girl, and just feel lucky to be where you are right now, while the real world continues on.
---
today i went with my production team to Hua Hin, a sort of getaway area of Thailand, to do an on location shoot for my boss lady. that's not the good part, that's the work part.
it was hot as all hell, and everyone really really worked hard doing our jobs.
in the afternoon, we all went to this really nice hotel to relax until the nighttime, when we would return to the grounds again, and shoot again.
we decided to go down to the beach and touch the ocean.
now there's something you all should know here; in Thailand everyone that can afford it or swing it, has maids. usually the girls are young and from burma or laos, or they are moms/daughter duos; the boys are servants, or drivers. it's a hard reality to face day in and day out, but it's reality here and it exists.
we went with two of the maids from the house, ping and mai. mai is more open and knowledgable about the world and what's up, while ping is around 14/15, and is a tiny little thing. it's hard to smile in the day when a girl like that, that is so small and sweet, has to clean your dishes and wash your clothes and such.
i went down with the two maids to the shoreline and we walked a little bit in, kicking at the water, and picking up seashells. the day was beautifully overcast just right; the lulling ocean was calm and a deep blue green. it felt so good to just have a good relaxing moment. it's hard to know how the girls feel when they are in their maid mode because they have to hide their emotions, but when they are away from the eyes of the boss, they are so happy and carefree.
i asked ping if she wanted to go swim in the ocean, and she said that she didn't want to because she didn't bring any swim clothes. i said it's no problem, because someone might have some extra clothes to change into. she still said no.
some of the other co-workers came down to the beach around 20 minutes later, and wanted to go for a swim. i had nothing to change into also, but i asked them for ping, whether they had something for her to change into. i mean, why not? we're here, it's beautiful, i know in her heart she wanted to, so let's go go go right?
we found an outfit for her to change into, and she laughed out loud and we all went into the sea. she was so giddy. she splashed around and dunked her squirmy little body in the ocean like a duck that has gone on the water for the first time. it was so nice to see her having such a good time.
she accidentally tasted some of the sea water, and immediately exclaimed "it's salty!!" i asked her if she ever swam in the ocean before, and she said no. never.
my heart broke all over this afternoon, because it just seems skewed for that even to be. 14, 15, and never swam in the ocean? crazy? yeah!
she was so happy splashing around. wriggling and laughing uncontrollably with delight and going out too far. trying to swim around and having the current take her out and wash her back in. it's like someone discovering laughter. it was really fun today, i don't think i'll forget it.
life is like a long trip with some few spectacular pitstops. this was one of them. if you saw how genuinely elated she was, and knew what she had to go back to tomorrow, it would just make you crumble. this is why i try and treat everyone with the same amount of equality and respect, because some people never know what to be free will feel like.
tonight meditate on that fact for 20 minutes, think about all of the non-sensical idle things that you worry about, and think about the misfortune of people like this girl, and just feel lucky to be where you are right now, while the real world continues on.
---
Thursday, August 12, 2004
" it's simple "
---
close your eyes.
take some deep breaths.
think of someone, then imagine them saying your name.
now, you have remembered how their voice sounds when they say your name.
this usually happens late at night for me, and i used to think it was wierd that i did that at all, because i should've been really trying to sleep n all.
but now i think it's a good going to sleep excercise.
or at least it's nice to know that you know someone.
---
close your eyes.
take some deep breaths.
think of someone, then imagine them saying your name.
now, you have remembered how their voice sounds when they say your name.
this usually happens late at night for me, and i used to think it was wierd that i did that at all, because i should've been really trying to sleep n all.
but now i think it's a good going to sleep excercise.
or at least it's nice to know that you know someone.
---
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
" love handles "
---
do you remember me there, then?
we spent some time
listening to acoustic renditions of early bob marley songs
while sitting in a room
lit by the soft morning's light of a new day.
sweet mornings renewal blooms fresh smells
which surround and encapsulate us
in it's bright arms.
the look in your eyes brings me to a shattered state of happiness
which duplicates in the ebb of each moments tide,
which washes over me and renders me in a state
of constant blisses.
this is what i miss.
holding you, my non-existant girl,
by the back and encircling your waist
with my rough hands;
the smells of jasmine and morning
aloft on the great stillness of your being.
there is something about the way you are not even real,
that pulls me back into reality.
the state of being much like that of
a small island,
a white teacup with the brims freshly wiped clean,
an amoeba riding the current of matter;
its microscopic flotilla of arms seeking anyone or anything.
but there is time yet
to find you,
or me to be found.
so until then,
i will have dreams of
examining your fingernails with my poor eyesight;
close-up and intimate,
like the way trees meet the earth
at the roots.
---
do you remember me there, then?
we spent some time
listening to acoustic renditions of early bob marley songs
while sitting in a room
lit by the soft morning's light of a new day.
sweet mornings renewal blooms fresh smells
which surround and encapsulate us
in it's bright arms.
the look in your eyes brings me to a shattered state of happiness
which duplicates in the ebb of each moments tide,
which washes over me and renders me in a state
of constant blisses.
this is what i miss.
holding you, my non-existant girl,
by the back and encircling your waist
with my rough hands;
the smells of jasmine and morning
aloft on the great stillness of your being.
there is something about the way you are not even real,
that pulls me back into reality.
the state of being much like that of
a small island,
a white teacup with the brims freshly wiped clean,
an amoeba riding the current of matter;
its microscopic flotilla of arms seeking anyone or anything.
but there is time yet
to find you,
or me to be found.
so until then,
i will have dreams of
examining your fingernails with my poor eyesight;
close-up and intimate,
like the way trees meet the earth
at the roots.
---
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
" bangkok nights bring neruda dreams "
---
below is a poem of which i love.
it is a preface to the blog entry below.
it is how i really feel, but, you can replace "love" with "a relationship that never had the opportunity to flourish; a bittersweet melody that displaces your soul, and echoes."
and so...
---
"Tonight I Can Write"
By Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
---
below is a poem of which i love.
it is a preface to the blog entry below.
it is how i really feel, but, you can replace "love" with "a relationship that never had the opportunity to flourish; a bittersweet melody that displaces your soul, and echoes."
and so...
---
"Tonight I Can Write"
By Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
---
" closure is a shut door that opens backwards "
---
so i went to go see apple, and i saw her alright.
she was working in her new store; the sign freshly hung with care. it still had the sheen of a sign that hasn't sat at the right angle for long. i smiled inwardly and said to myself, "i can do this."
so sitting in the shop with her is this dude. taller than me, maybe prettier, but definitely not as strong. i felt bad for the both of them.
have you ever seen the movie "the blue angel?" if you had, and you realize what a vicious cirle relationships can be, then i was now the clown looking at the new beau, with the siren standing before me, unable to meet my eyes.
the words were shortly spoken and closure came on my terms. i walked away a little sore, but proud and of my own accord. it's just nice to know what the score is.
nobody said that finding that someone was easy,
and i hate to be on the recieving end of this dis-union,
but,
when you can walk away, having said your piece, and having made sure you are okay, then you gain a sense of pride back that you might've lost if things didn't go differently.
june 11th until august 10th.
a relationship with a ghost named
panisa pomloi.
my affair with my first romance in about 4 years, may it rest in peace.
---
so i went to go see apple, and i saw her alright.
she was working in her new store; the sign freshly hung with care. it still had the sheen of a sign that hasn't sat at the right angle for long. i smiled inwardly and said to myself, "i can do this."
so sitting in the shop with her is this dude. taller than me, maybe prettier, but definitely not as strong. i felt bad for the both of them.
have you ever seen the movie "the blue angel?" if you had, and you realize what a vicious cirle relationships can be, then i was now the clown looking at the new beau, with the siren standing before me, unable to meet my eyes.
the words were shortly spoken and closure came on my terms. i walked away a little sore, but proud and of my own accord. it's just nice to know what the score is.
nobody said that finding that someone was easy,
and i hate to be on the recieving end of this dis-union,
but,
when you can walk away, having said your piece, and having made sure you are okay, then you gain a sense of pride back that you might've lost if things didn't go differently.
june 11th until august 10th.
a relationship with a ghost named
panisa pomloi.
my affair with my first romance in about 4 years, may it rest in peace.
---
Monday, August 09, 2004
" the gray matter "
---
i'm lying awake at two in the morning. the world spins on its tilted axis. your mind races through all the things you wanted to say, want to say, have to say, need to say.
and yet, somehow i'm sure that when the moment arises, i'll be slack-jawed, mouth open, as wide as the horizon from end to end, unable to speak my mind.
and the moment will pass fleetingly; a floating spectre of the most powerful persuasive conversation, never held.
i miss being hugged, held, kissed, and desired.
and so i lie awake at night, not sleeping, holding conversations in that stubborn brain of mine. unable to make sense of everything, and unable to keep my thoughts from ricocheting inside my mindspace.
there is a dog barking outside on the street, and it seems that that is the only thing that i can properly make sense of right now.
---
i'm lying awake at two in the morning. the world spins on its tilted axis. your mind races through all the things you wanted to say, want to say, have to say, need to say.
and yet, somehow i'm sure that when the moment arises, i'll be slack-jawed, mouth open, as wide as the horizon from end to end, unable to speak my mind.
and the moment will pass fleetingly; a floating spectre of the most powerful persuasive conversation, never held.
i miss being hugged, held, kissed, and desired.
and so i lie awake at night, not sleeping, holding conversations in that stubborn brain of mine. unable to make sense of everything, and unable to keep my thoughts from ricocheting inside my mindspace.
there is a dog barking outside on the street, and it seems that that is the only thing that i can properly make sense of right now.
---
Sunday, August 08, 2004
" always a glutton... "
---
not to upset anyone who really really really knows me, but i think i have to call her up. it's just a given in my world of view. i am sorry, before, during, and after-hand.
i chatted with a friend for a bit and she asked if i got the boot from out of the blue.
i said yes; out of the clear blue, the deep blue, any shade of blue that comes out from nowhere, yes.
i have to call, much to the now apparant dismay of friends, because
a flash of lighting lasts longer than the way she broke up with me.
always a glutton for punishment, i am holding my heart in my stubborn hands.
apologies to everyone.
---
not to upset anyone who really really really knows me, but i think i have to call her up. it's just a given in my world of view. i am sorry, before, during, and after-hand.
i chatted with a friend for a bit and she asked if i got the boot from out of the blue.
i said yes; out of the clear blue, the deep blue, any shade of blue that comes out from nowhere, yes.
i have to call, much to the now apparant dismay of friends, because
a flash of lighting lasts longer than the way she broke up with me.
always a glutton for punishment, i am holding my heart in my stubborn hands.
apologies to everyone.
---
" states of love, and other human constructs "
---
do you ever not really know how you feel?
your arms go limp and your hands flex and release. your eyes start to go cross-eyed out of sheer exhaustion of the soul. the vision blurs to black and stars begin to emerge.
i am frustrated, angry, depressed, unsure, aloof, saddened, strong-willed, sure-footed, weary, weak, and all of the attributes that come alongside confusion and the recalculation of your strength of character.
it's a feeling like you just want to take your pants off and lay down on cool wide sheets; let everything that is binding you closer to yourself free to extend beyond your skin.
i want to yell out loud, thrash a lea of thorned reeds, punch a clock until i stop time, and tear at jagged rocks until my finger-bones break, and the entirity of my corporeal being bursts in the flame of defeat, the body's gasses exhume, and i dissapate into nothingness.
i want to sit in a dim room, alone and with everyone, run in wide circles, sleep all day long until the day recirculates and all sense of light and night is nothing but figments of fragmented dreamery, lie next to clear rivers and close my eyes and let the afternoon light dance upon my eyelids through the thick of leaves, read neruda poetry until the hurt little boy inside of me can regain some lost pride.
there are no regrets in taking chances, so i should not be this way. and yet i am, and this is the state of being, in references to things and occurences, that have been discovered, gained, had, lost, and passed.
this is the truth of the moment, when the moment turns from what you have into what you now do not have. but, did i really "have" anything at all?
maybe so,
but maybe not.
you get to a point where you have to ask, "what does this mean?" the hard part is when there is nothing that has meaning in what you are attempting to deconstruct.
excuses are made by you in your favor, or your ex's favor; nothing is really fully clear or explainable. thus, you live the following two weeks in a sullen stupor, hoping that someone or thing will take all of this away. the key i suppose is to create your own strength then, and take all of your own pains away.
but the medicine is always easier to prescribe than to consume. but i am trying.
...
so i guess, here's to staring down at the full spoon,
with my mouth open wide.
---
do you ever not really know how you feel?
your arms go limp and your hands flex and release. your eyes start to go cross-eyed out of sheer exhaustion of the soul. the vision blurs to black and stars begin to emerge.
i am frustrated, angry, depressed, unsure, aloof, saddened, strong-willed, sure-footed, weary, weak, and all of the attributes that come alongside confusion and the recalculation of your strength of character.
it's a feeling like you just want to take your pants off and lay down on cool wide sheets; let everything that is binding you closer to yourself free to extend beyond your skin.
i want to yell out loud, thrash a lea of thorned reeds, punch a clock until i stop time, and tear at jagged rocks until my finger-bones break, and the entirity of my corporeal being bursts in the flame of defeat, the body's gasses exhume, and i dissapate into nothingness.
i want to sit in a dim room, alone and with everyone, run in wide circles, sleep all day long until the day recirculates and all sense of light and night is nothing but figments of fragmented dreamery, lie next to clear rivers and close my eyes and let the afternoon light dance upon my eyelids through the thick of leaves, read neruda poetry until the hurt little boy inside of me can regain some lost pride.
there are no regrets in taking chances, so i should not be this way. and yet i am, and this is the state of being, in references to things and occurences, that have been discovered, gained, had, lost, and passed.
this is the truth of the moment, when the moment turns from what you have into what you now do not have. but, did i really "have" anything at all?
maybe so,
but maybe not.
you get to a point where you have to ask, "what does this mean?" the hard part is when there is nothing that has meaning in what you are attempting to deconstruct.
excuses are made by you in your favor, or your ex's favor; nothing is really fully clear or explainable. thus, you live the following two weeks in a sullen stupor, hoping that someone or thing will take all of this away. the key i suppose is to create your own strength then, and take all of your own pains away.
but the medicine is always easier to prescribe than to consume. but i am trying.
...
so i guess, here's to staring down at the full spoon,
with my mouth open wide.
---
Friday, August 06, 2004
" i am not well "
---
you begin to change your hopes and your thought patterns. one day the skies are a different color than they have ever been, and there is a beautiful gleam among the clouds that enters your soul in the most complementory manner.
you speak in low whispers into her ears, and begin to create moments that last for intense brief instances. like the explosion of intergalactic supernovas; comprising of all of the matter in the universe and all of its spectrum of colors and rays, into a tightly wound defience of energy and scientific explanation, then all-at-once exhales, and breathes anew as it resonates and echoes.
and then, in the same manner, it's gone.
the moments of this brief relationship fades into the dim of memory. your body aches in parallel shades of emotional pains; the once sturdy planks of your heart's ship, rots through and the timbers splinter in the heat of her frayed departure.
and you float, again alone , surrounded by everything and nothing all at once, while the day turns to dusk. your only close friends are the fleeting sun and the rising moon. everything is away from you and you have nothing to look forward to, but the flat, disregarding horizon.
birds fly south and you close your eyes on her for the last time.
this is what ends feel like. this is what ends feel like.
---
you begin to change your hopes and your thought patterns. one day the skies are a different color than they have ever been, and there is a beautiful gleam among the clouds that enters your soul in the most complementory manner.
you speak in low whispers into her ears, and begin to create moments that last for intense brief instances. like the explosion of intergalactic supernovas; comprising of all of the matter in the universe and all of its spectrum of colors and rays, into a tightly wound defience of energy and scientific explanation, then all-at-once exhales, and breathes anew as it resonates and echoes.
and then, in the same manner, it's gone.
the moments of this brief relationship fades into the dim of memory. your body aches in parallel shades of emotional pains; the once sturdy planks of your heart's ship, rots through and the timbers splinter in the heat of her frayed departure.
and you float, again alone , surrounded by everything and nothing all at once, while the day turns to dusk. your only close friends are the fleeting sun and the rising moon. everything is away from you and you have nothing to look forward to, but the flat, disregarding horizon.
birds fly south and you close your eyes on her for the last time.
this is what ends feel like. this is what ends feel like.
---
Thursday, August 05, 2004
" i think i just got dumped "
---
soooooooooooo yeah.
yesterday, i reaffirmed a testament to my experience with horrible timing. no matter how much i try to be upbeat, optimistic, forward, sunny, or hopeful, i'm always delt different versions of the ill-hand.
i don't really know what's going on.
my bad luck with matters of the heart seem to follow me overseas, and is temperate to any climactic state.
in once sense i am hurt and emotionally wounded; an animal put to sleep, an atom bomb, a rage, a swell, a cataclismic crack. on the other, i never really got to do anything or go anywhere, or share much, or any of the good sound normal experiences that build a deep lasting emotional attachment that is the nice meaty part of relationships.
but there are a multuple of ways one can breakdown a sad day/moment, in order to find that right excuse for why things didn't work out, and i am not one to be any different from most other humans.
i am not well.
today i ate some passionfruit in order to replace and reclaim the serving i willingly gave away.
i suppose then, that this is all.
ps-thanks kasia for telephonical conversationings.
---
soooooooooooo yeah.
yesterday, i reaffirmed a testament to my experience with horrible timing. no matter how much i try to be upbeat, optimistic, forward, sunny, or hopeful, i'm always delt different versions of the ill-hand.
i don't really know what's going on.
my bad luck with matters of the heart seem to follow me overseas, and is temperate to any climactic state.
in once sense i am hurt and emotionally wounded; an animal put to sleep, an atom bomb, a rage, a swell, a cataclismic crack. on the other, i never really got to do anything or go anywhere, or share much, or any of the good sound normal experiences that build a deep lasting emotional attachment that is the nice meaty part of relationships.
but there are a multuple of ways one can breakdown a sad day/moment, in order to find that right excuse for why things didn't work out, and i am not one to be any different from most other humans.
i am not well.
today i ate some passionfruit in order to replace and reclaim the serving i willingly gave away.
i suppose then, that this is all.
ps-thanks kasia for telephonical conversationings.
---
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
" in the absence of you "
---
there is something to be said about the nature and necessity of touch. a single touch can bring to a person, that sense of comfort which the whole soul needs. it's as if the universe is contained in the hands, and the galaxies in the fingertips. when you extend yourself to someone, you release reality through your body and soothe pains.
there is something to be said about distances. whether physical or mental, the spaces we create or experience should be thought of nothing but mere blinks of the eyes. true, some blinks seem to last for longer periods of time; the darkness at times seemingly consuming and overwhelming, but there is that period of light to come. a period of bliss, constant and in such ethereal angelic hues it washes over your entire being in a way that makes you able to disregard these distances.
there is something to be said about love, and poetry, and the nature of longing. those private places and occurences in your life that bring about a deeper meaning and sense of furfillment. these are those red moments which engulf the Self and redefine existance.
choose what you do, then, very wisely. you never know where you'll be next when you stop to re-think your specific shade of reality.
yesterday i was standing in the studio of a photographer, observing and trying to figure out his setups, when i took a moment beside myself. "i am so in Thailand right now," i thought to myself.
you begin to redefine yourself in the simplicity of those realizations, and begin to look forward for more quiet revelatory moments like those ones.
tonight your homework is to hold someone you love and describe to them why they're important in your life, because i almost feel like i cannot do this due to where i am and certain distances. remember, the universe is contained in your hands, and the galaxies in your fingertips.
---
there is something to be said about the nature and necessity of touch. a single touch can bring to a person, that sense of comfort which the whole soul needs. it's as if the universe is contained in the hands, and the galaxies in the fingertips. when you extend yourself to someone, you release reality through your body and soothe pains.
there is something to be said about distances. whether physical or mental, the spaces we create or experience should be thought of nothing but mere blinks of the eyes. true, some blinks seem to last for longer periods of time; the darkness at times seemingly consuming and overwhelming, but there is that period of light to come. a period of bliss, constant and in such ethereal angelic hues it washes over your entire being in a way that makes you able to disregard these distances.
there is something to be said about love, and poetry, and the nature of longing. those private places and occurences in your life that bring about a deeper meaning and sense of furfillment. these are those red moments which engulf the Self and redefine existance.
choose what you do, then, very wisely. you never know where you'll be next when you stop to re-think your specific shade of reality.
yesterday i was standing in the studio of a photographer, observing and trying to figure out his setups, when i took a moment beside myself. "i am so in Thailand right now," i thought to myself.
you begin to redefine yourself in the simplicity of those realizations, and begin to look forward for more quiet revelatory moments like those ones.
tonight your homework is to hold someone you love and describe to them why they're important in your life, because i almost feel like i cannot do this due to where i am and certain distances. remember, the universe is contained in your hands, and the galaxies in your fingertips.
---
Monday, August 02, 2004
" post-and-run "
---
bees knees be me says:
hello friend
bees knees be me says:
welcome to your monday
bees knees be me says:
Kasia says:
thank you.
oh monday.....its so gray i did not want to leave bed
bees knees be me says:
it's soo hot here
bees knees be me says:
i'm melting
bees knees be me says:
did you se the village?
bees knees be me says:
the chronny gave it a sleeping man
Kasia says:
yeah it was scary at times. i dont know if it deserves all the horrible reviews (1 star from Ebert) but it was pretty bad
bees knees be me says:
with the predictable script, blah acting from most of the cast, and "twist" ending?
Kasia says:
stupid twist
bees knees be me says:
don't tell me!!!
bees knees be me says:
ahhhhhhh
bees knees be me says:
no no no telly
bees knees be me says:
no
Kasia says:
we left the movie kind of like "what? but...and...and the...hmmmm"
bees knees be me says:
who we?
bees knees be me says:
ohew
Kasia says:
co-workerd, friends and asorted relationg
bees knees be me says:
phew
Kasia says:
relations
bees knees be me says:
cool
bees knees be me says:
i had two free days
Kasia says:
really?
Kasia says:
neato
bees knees be me says:
and my girl was busy with her store and family so instead of going to see her for these past two days
bees knees be me says:
i went to the movies
bees knees be me says:
i saw two craptastic summer blockbusters
bees knees be me says:
i robot
bees knees be me says:
and
bees knees be me says:
the chonicles of riddick
bees knees be me says:
r
Kasia says:
were they dubbed?
bees knees be me says:
nope
bees knees be me says:
i saw the english versions
Kasia says:
cool
bees knees be me says:
thai subs
bees knees be me says:
they have both
Kasia says:
how were they
bees knees be me says:
for the big hollywood movies
bees knees be me says:
cause it gets them more screenings filled
bees knees be me says:
i robot was a good book and series
bees knees be me says:
but the adaptation is more a will smith one-liner fest
Kasia says:
boo
Kasia says:
yeah hes lame
bees knees be me says:
and the female lead is so readably bland, when she goes from the cold sterile professor to emotional womany thing that she becomes, it's so "boo hoo you"
bees knees be me says:
and we have to see his ass for no reason at all
bees knees be me says:
boo
bees knees be me says:
and boo again sir
Kasia says:
its a cornerstone of 20th centruy sci-fi...too bad they f---ed it up
bees knees be me says:
so f---ed it up
bees knees be me says:
it looks sorta pretty though
bees knees be me says:
but that's it
bees knees be me says:
and the only other asimov book they managed to make into a movie they f---ed up too
Kasia says:
well im pretty sure i know how riddick was
bees knees be me says:
bicentennial man
bees knees be me says:
riddick...
bees knees be me says:
again, very pretty
bees knees be me says:
cg is a step up from star trek TNG
bees knees be me says:
the later years
bees knees be me says:
and it's shot fairly well
bees knees be me says:
lot's of loopholes in script and plot and explaining all of the peoples and universes in a broad sense doesn't help[
bees knees be me says:
horribly cast villan
Kasia says:
ha
bees knees be me says:
and dame judi dench sucks why?
bees knees be me says:
who can possibly make her not usable?
bees knees be me says:
someone found a way
bees knees be me says:
but
bees knees be me says:
it is redeeming to have vin diesel as the hero
bees knees be me says:
you root for him becasue he is such a bad ass
Kasia says:
and so silly
bees knees be me says:
it's captivating to see him plow his way out of tight spots, and if it were not for his all-too-focused confidence and cockiness, this pic would've "deflated like a flan in the cupboard"
Kasia says:
yeah judi dench in that role how and not taking any other roles why?
bees knees be me says:
well it sucked, her role
Kasia says:
nice analogy
bees knees be me says:
but, it looked pretty
bees knees be me says:
again with the pretty
bees knees be me says:
but a movie should have more story than pixels
bees knees be me says:
you know?
Kasia says:
yesyes
bees knees be me says:
so i give both of them together, a collective and
Kasia says:
sounds like two fun fluff movies, which can be frustrating
Kasia says:
i give village a (insert dissapointed face here)mixed with (insert suprised lookhere)and (insert wishy-washy look here)
bees knees be me says:
the good part of watching crappy movies here, is that you get luxury seats, air conditioning, and super wide(sometimes digitally projected) screens all for 4 bucks
Kasia says:
nice
bees knees be me says:
i'll watch the village next month, which is when it comes out
Kasia says:
yeah $11
bees knees be me says:
and eternal mind opens in thailand next month too
bees knees be me says:
so i get to watch it again for the third time!
Kasia says:
do they have popcorn
Kasia says:
ooooh....you going to take your lady?
bees knees be me says:
so have a super bar and snacky food section
bees knees be me says:
i hope to!!
Kasia says:
(she will see you cry)
bees knees be me says:
yay!
Kasia says:
yum
bees knees be me says:
i don't cry!
bees knees be me says:...
bees knees be me says:...
bees knees be me says:...
bees knees be me says:
yes i do
bees knees be me says:
Kasia says:
true
bees knees be me says:
you cry
bees knees be me says:
you
bees knees be me says:
did youread my dream today?
bees knees be me says:
on me blogg
bees knees be me says:
- the second g
bees knees be me says:
o added for hooplah and extra umph
bees knees be me says:
as it were
bees knees be me says:
thusly
Kasia says:
ok
bees knees be me says:
...sir
---
bees knees be me says:
hello friend
bees knees be me says:
welcome to your monday
bees knees be me says:
Kasia says:
thank you.
oh monday.....its so gray i did not want to leave bed
bees knees be me says:
it's soo hot here
bees knees be me says:
i'm melting
bees knees be me says:
did you se the village?
bees knees be me says:
the chronny gave it a sleeping man
Kasia says:
yeah it was scary at times. i dont know if it deserves all the horrible reviews (1 star from Ebert) but it was pretty bad
bees knees be me says:
with the predictable script, blah acting from most of the cast, and "twist" ending?
Kasia says:
stupid twist
bees knees be me says:
don't tell me!!!
bees knees be me says:
ahhhhhhh
bees knees be me says:
no no no telly
bees knees be me says:
no
Kasia says:
we left the movie kind of like "what? but...and...and the...hmmmm"
bees knees be me says:
who we?
bees knees be me says:
ohew
Kasia says:
co-workerd, friends and asorted relationg
bees knees be me says:
phew
Kasia says:
relations
bees knees be me says:
cool
bees knees be me says:
i had two free days
Kasia says:
really?
Kasia says:
neato
bees knees be me says:
and my girl was busy with her store and family so instead of going to see her for these past two days
bees knees be me says:
i went to the movies
bees knees be me says:
i saw two craptastic summer blockbusters
bees knees be me says:
i robot
bees knees be me says:
and
bees knees be me says:
the chonicles of riddick
bees knees be me says:
r
Kasia says:
were they dubbed?
bees knees be me says:
nope
bees knees be me says:
i saw the english versions
Kasia says:
cool
bees knees be me says:
thai subs
bees knees be me says:
they have both
Kasia says:
how were they
bees knees be me says:
for the big hollywood movies
bees knees be me says:
cause it gets them more screenings filled
bees knees be me says:
i robot was a good book and series
bees knees be me says:
but the adaptation is more a will smith one-liner fest
Kasia says:
boo
Kasia says:
yeah hes lame
bees knees be me says:
and the female lead is so readably bland, when she goes from the cold sterile professor to emotional womany thing that she becomes, it's so "boo hoo you"
bees knees be me says:
and we have to see his ass for no reason at all
bees knees be me says:
boo
bees knees be me says:
and boo again sir
Kasia says:
its a cornerstone of 20th centruy sci-fi...too bad they f---ed it up
bees knees be me says:
so f---ed it up
bees knees be me says:
it looks sorta pretty though
bees knees be me says:
but that's it
bees knees be me says:
and the only other asimov book they managed to make into a movie they f---ed up too
Kasia says:
well im pretty sure i know how riddick was
bees knees be me says:
bicentennial man
bees knees be me says:
riddick...
bees knees be me says:
again, very pretty
bees knees be me says:
cg is a step up from star trek TNG
bees knees be me says:
the later years
bees knees be me says:
and it's shot fairly well
bees knees be me says:
lot's of loopholes in script and plot and explaining all of the peoples and universes in a broad sense doesn't help[
bees knees be me says:
horribly cast villan
Kasia says:
ha
bees knees be me says:
and dame judi dench sucks why?
bees knees be me says:
who can possibly make her not usable?
bees knees be me says:
someone found a way
bees knees be me says:
but
bees knees be me says:
it is redeeming to have vin diesel as the hero
bees knees be me says:
you root for him becasue he is such a bad ass
Kasia says:
and so silly
bees knees be me says:
it's captivating to see him plow his way out of tight spots, and if it were not for his all-too-focused confidence and cockiness, this pic would've "deflated like a flan in the cupboard"
Kasia says:
yeah judi dench in that role how and not taking any other roles why?
bees knees be me says:
well it sucked, her role
Kasia says:
nice analogy
bees knees be me says:
but, it looked pretty
bees knees be me says:
again with the pretty
bees knees be me says:
but a movie should have more story than pixels
bees knees be me says:
you know?
Kasia says:
yesyes
bees knees be me says:
so i give both of them together, a collective and
Kasia says:
sounds like two fun fluff movies, which can be frustrating
Kasia says:
i give village a (insert dissapointed face here)mixed with (insert suprised lookhere)and (insert wishy-washy look here)
bees knees be me says:
the good part of watching crappy movies here, is that you get luxury seats, air conditioning, and super wide(sometimes digitally projected) screens all for 4 bucks
Kasia says:
nice
bees knees be me says:
i'll watch the village next month, which is when it comes out
Kasia says:
yeah $11
bees knees be me says:
and eternal mind opens in thailand next month too
bees knees be me says:
so i get to watch it again for the third time!
Kasia says:
do they have popcorn
Kasia says:
ooooh....you going to take your lady?
bees knees be me says:
so have a super bar and snacky food section
bees knees be me says:
i hope to!!
Kasia says:
(she will see you cry)
bees knees be me says:
yay!
Kasia says:
yum
bees knees be me says:
i don't cry!
bees knees be me says:...
bees knees be me says:...
bees knees be me says:...
bees knees be me says:
yes i do
bees knees be me says:
Kasia says:
true
bees knees be me says:
you cry
bees knees be me says:
you
bees knees be me says:
did youread my dream today?
bees knees be me says:
on me blogg
bees knees be me says:
- the second g
bees knees be me says:
o added for hooplah and extra umph
bees knees be me says:
as it were
bees knees be me says:
thusly
Kasia says:
ok
bees knees be me says:
...sir
---
" marketing is odd "
---
so i'm walking in Central Ladprao, which is a large mall-type center for shopping, movies, and whatnot, and i happen upon a store that completely throws me through the proverbial loop as it were thus.
a clothing store "Zein," has two girls in window displays (the rooms being adjacent to eachother, but bisected by a conjoining wall) and they are both changing clothes, shoes, and accessories for everyone to see.
i am left unable to look away as i am drawn into this small-time peep-show, in what can be best described as a marriage of socially-induced public voyeurism/exhibitionism, and the genius of modern aplliable direct-to-consumer marketing.
so in one sense it's disgusting; a brash and blatent use of female sexuality in the guise of a private activity, to promote clothes and wares. and in the other sense, i was having the best time not shopping for women's clothes ever.
malls are great.
---
so i'm walking in Central Ladprao, which is a large mall-type center for shopping, movies, and whatnot, and i happen upon a store that completely throws me through the proverbial loop as it were thus.
a clothing store "Zein," has two girls in window displays (the rooms being adjacent to eachother, but bisected by a conjoining wall) and they are both changing clothes, shoes, and accessories for everyone to see.
i am left unable to look away as i am drawn into this small-time peep-show, in what can be best described as a marriage of socially-induced public voyeurism/exhibitionism, and the genius of modern aplliable direct-to-consumer marketing.
so in one sense it's disgusting; a brash and blatent use of female sexuality in the guise of a private activity, to promote clothes and wares. and in the other sense, i was having the best time not shopping for women's clothes ever.
malls are great.
---
" 'buhh?' : a dream "
---
i'm standing in my front yard in albany california. the sun is shining, as if a thin film of plastic has attached itself to the midday's sky; i can see the giant clothes-pins sticking out from the edges of the universe.
becca silvers and yea-ming chen pull up at my house in a long maroon and black car that resembles the batmobile from the tv show starring adam west. thay are happy to see me and they smile in that way that i love when i see them smiling at me.
in tow, they have a gimungous animal on a long cart. it resembles a rhinoceros if it mated with a pink hippo, some purple circus saltwater taffy, and paper mache. "truly an oddity" i thought to myself, and they presented it to me. they told me it was the greatest find. the only problem is when it had to go to the bathroom.
they used their feminine wiles to get me to go get two double-plastic garbage bags out from my basement. since they are my friends, i thought "well why not? i don't want this grotesque new pet of theirs to crap all over my front yard." so i go into my basement, and for some reason i'm naked.
now, i'm standing in my basement naked and for some reason too, i have the most elaborate bruise on my leg. it's brightly colored; a thin strip along the lower calf. first a splash of blood-red, then blue, and then a solar-yellow. it was stange that i had a bruise in the color scheme of the primary colors. and for a second, while standing in my cool basement naked with work gloves on, i suddenly came to me that i now controled the entire spectrum of reality. then i was aware that i was dreaming, but couldn't become lucid enough to fly, and that disturbed me.
i went outside to meet them with the bags, and my clothes magically appeared. good thing too, cause i had no clue what that wierd animal would react like to a nude human being. so, i'm looking up at the sky for a second and it looks like the sun is getting angry at this large galaxy-sized piece of film. everything is becoming brighter, and becca and yea-ming say they have to go home.
i thought to myself, "i thought that you two don't live in the same apartment anymore, not even the same state." and with those two smiling faces of memory fading, they drove off down my street, and made a swift and cartooninsh right-hand turn onto buchannan, where i think they then accessed the freeway system, all to the tune of the 1960's adam west batman show.
then i woke up. confused and deeply moved.
but how? and in which direction?
dreams are fun.
what did you dream of last night?
---
i'm standing in my front yard in albany california. the sun is shining, as if a thin film of plastic has attached itself to the midday's sky; i can see the giant clothes-pins sticking out from the edges of the universe.
becca silvers and yea-ming chen pull up at my house in a long maroon and black car that resembles the batmobile from the tv show starring adam west. thay are happy to see me and they smile in that way that i love when i see them smiling at me.
in tow, they have a gimungous animal on a long cart. it resembles a rhinoceros if it mated with a pink hippo, some purple circus saltwater taffy, and paper mache. "truly an oddity" i thought to myself, and they presented it to me. they told me it was the greatest find. the only problem is when it had to go to the bathroom.
they used their feminine wiles to get me to go get two double-plastic garbage bags out from my basement. since they are my friends, i thought "well why not? i don't want this grotesque new pet of theirs to crap all over my front yard." so i go into my basement, and for some reason i'm naked.
now, i'm standing in my basement naked and for some reason too, i have the most elaborate bruise on my leg. it's brightly colored; a thin strip along the lower calf. first a splash of blood-red, then blue, and then a solar-yellow. it was stange that i had a bruise in the color scheme of the primary colors. and for a second, while standing in my cool basement naked with work gloves on, i suddenly came to me that i now controled the entire spectrum of reality. then i was aware that i was dreaming, but couldn't become lucid enough to fly, and that disturbed me.
i went outside to meet them with the bags, and my clothes magically appeared. good thing too, cause i had no clue what that wierd animal would react like to a nude human being. so, i'm looking up at the sky for a second and it looks like the sun is getting angry at this large galaxy-sized piece of film. everything is becoming brighter, and becca and yea-ming say they have to go home.
i thought to myself, "i thought that you two don't live in the same apartment anymore, not even the same state." and with those two smiling faces of memory fading, they drove off down my street, and made a swift and cartooninsh right-hand turn onto buchannan, where i think they then accessed the freeway system, all to the tune of the 1960's adam west batman show.
then i woke up. confused and deeply moved.
but how? and in which direction?
dreams are fun.
what did you dream of last night?
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