" happiness, is a warm soi "

---

how many times will your heart flutter thus?


it doesn't take much.

holding hand at a gas station for three hours, talking long about the nature of human beings, figuring out how we can meet eachother if i work all the time, waxing poetic about a country whose weather resembles the inside of a oven, searching for simple truths in the beautiful dark pools of her eyes.

it doesn't take much.

i walked her to the mouth of the alley way, down along the street to the bus stop, and sent her off. her bus disappeared amidst the nights' dusky atmosphere, and i walked alone back to the office; content with a glimmer of a smile on my face.

this must be what happiness feels like.


(soi means alleyway/road in thai)

---

" segue to nowhere "

---

i write and write and write, and do nothing but edit through all of the unecessary words and wording, until i render the naked sentence open. it sits on the page unashamed and calm. fiction is always false, so why try to dress it up?

"one day i went to the ocean, and sat among it's vastness. the sun beamed a pale golden hue, and the smell of salts, papaya, and far away islands lingered in the light breeze."

"one day i went to her house and had my heart broken into even pieces. i told myself i would be fine, and remembered that she only cried a little."

"one day nothing happened at all, and i was proud of the fact that i had done nothing at all to change that fact."

"one day i cut my hand open on accident; the blood slowly seeping out from my palm in a thin crimson trickle. i had forgotten to buy band-aids that month"

"one day the night came and never left. i am a few friends sat all month long, singing songs and laughing together, in the loving caress of the nocturnal glaze."

and all at once, you run out of things to say...

---

" the story of your life "

---

i was born in san francisco, california on a monday. i have the memory of being in a plastic box and seeing people looking in on me. i wondered what was going on. is this how everyone behaves and interacts?

i remember when i was young, i learned how to be afraid. i was playing underneath the house in thailand, and everything was hot around me. i heard the growl of a dun beast to my back, and i knew it could smell me. it gave chase and i ran.

i once lived in an apartment and took my baths in a blue plastic tum which hung on the shower head. things were nice and i was happy.

i learned how to drive when i was 12. my mom would let me get behyind the wheel, and she taught me how to operate my favorite car; a 1982 BMW 528e. before long, i was able to drive with the respect for the death machinery, and i have been driving ever since, some even say as good as the oldest man in the world!

i remember sitting in the ocean on a sunny day. the weather had been great and i had went to the beach with a few friends of mine, instead of going to calculus class. we laughed all day, and ate a watermelon. i love the sound of the fruit breaking open; the deft cracking of the thick rind coupled with the sweet flesh it yielded.

i remember sleeping like a stone.

i remember painting with my fingers.

i remember feeling rejection for the first time.

i remember the color of the sky when i first fell in love.

i remember discovering music.

i remember being embarassed.

i remember the last time i kissed someone.

i remember who i am, and know where i want to go.

i remember all of these things and i recollect daily and at odd times in order so that i can go on with my life.

homework for next month:

find your favorite memory, and go out into the world, and try to recreate the moment through photographic processes. see what comes out, then write a brief reflection on a small piece of paper. take it to the ocean and burn it at the shoreline. then sit and absorb the sun for two hours.

---

" a natural romance "

---

In danger, most horned mammals choose flight.

Rhinoceroses and cape buffalo are well-known exceptions, and females with calves are often the most dangerous.

Lions and sable antelopes have been found locked together in death, the cat impaled on the scimitar-shaped horns of the sable whose neck it has clawed open.

---

" can somebody please explain to me what a 'dancery' is? "

---

so i found out that i can connect to 98.1 KISS FM over the net; it's the soul/r&b station in the oakland/sf/sanjose area.

when it finally came through the net, into my air-conditioned office in bangkok, i couldn't believe that smoky robinson was singing to me.

"baby let's cruise......away from heeeeeeeeerrreeeee..." and so forth

so good. and then i listened to the modern version of "family affair" aka the dancery/crunked up in this...song.

what the hell is a dancery, and where do i get crunked all up in one?

somebody tell me that one.

in any case, hearing these tunes only reaffirms my longing to be listening to good music. not that thai music is all that bad, but how long can one survive on love ballads, pop rock, and sugary sweet mellow guitar-picking honey boy-band copying melody harmonies?

my guess is around two months.

you'll start to genuinely enjoy the songs and the artists for singing them to you, then you eventually don't mind the ballads or the horribly horribly mundane repetitious pop-oriented arrangements. your guard will be down, so watch out.

then you start to really love them.

so...when and if you travel, it is very important that you have a stash of really good music; music that just "does it" for you. call it a tether on sanity, call it an anchor to reality, your reality.

being here really helps me realize what i require in my day-to-day, and music is now nearing the top of the list of "things bay misses the most."

it's residing there quietly, somewhere in between my dank basement darkroom and playing darts at the 'tross.

bay's assigned homework:

tonight, go pick out your favorite record, put it on, and just listen to it quietly with your eyes closed.

you don't have to listen to the whole thing; just take enough time to remember why you love it so much, and how much it would mean to you if you never had that song again.

then shut it off, call someone you love, and tell them you're going to make a mix tape for them, filled with cool songs.

i want your setlists on my desk by 9:30am tomorrow morning.

---

" the waste of space kid, or how i found out i was cool "

---

you ever have one of those days where you just do nothing?

you sit at your desk or whatnot, and just crap the whole day away; you tell yourself that you are doing something, and you’re not.

the day starts off as a bright new day and the sun just languidly pans across the its solar arc, shining its celestial disdain upon you and your not-doing-anything body.

today you are not important, or beautiful, or helpful, or useful, or content, or capable of doing anything progressive other than sit and wait for something to happen, which it doesn’t.

you sit at our desk until everyone in the world goes to sleep, then you close your eyes, and wish it were tomorrow already.

---

" there are no coasts in bangkok "

---

yet another publicly posted note to self:

you begin to have an inkling of how your life might turn out, if you're lucky enough to be able to communicate with the powers that be.

you start to plan out what to say, how to say it, and when the right time to state it will be. then you have to make sure to remain calm. the sense of anger never helps anyone ever, unless you are trying to win a staring contest. then looking angry or foolish usually causes the other person to break down in laughter.

you are going to get through this. you will be able to say to yourself you are a strong person, and that things can only get better, because this is not your life yet. you haven't been through enough here to say that enough is enough.

instead, you're in this gray middle area, where everything is just sort of okay. except for the promise of tomorrow and whatever blisses that might hold.

for the time being, you're doing okay. you have pseudo-friends, the internet keeps you grounded in reality; apple keeps you anchored in reality here. the nice terrestrial kind, where you find out you're human after all. you can tell that she might be a keeper, cause she just happens to smell great all the time. qualities like that and humor are hard to come by.

so buck up little camper, there's a long way yet.

and since nothing is going to stop the days from folding over like the leaves of autumn, i suppose there's not much you can do but go go gadget optimism...and so on and so forth.

i believe in you.

i wonder what next week'll be like...

remember to smile inside and out,

you (meaning me)

---

" did you ever want to know all about what sorts of noodles there are? i sure did "

---

Acini di pepe – Probably the smallest variety of pastina, acini di pepe is tiny, pellet-shaped pasta and is made with wheat flour.
Anellini – Medium-small, ridged, tubular pasta cut in thin rings.
Arrowroot Vermicelli – Very thin, Chinese noodles.
Bucatini – Long, “holed” sting noodles. These long, think hollow tubes of pasta are used with pesto and sauces containing pancetta, vegetables, and cheeses.
Candele – Long, large, tubular shaped. Traditional with Neapolitan-style ragu, candele are ideal for all meat sauces.
Cannelloni – Large cylinders. The thinnest sheets of pasta are cut into 3½ x 4½ inch rectangles and stuffed with a variety of fillings.
Capellini or Capellini D’Angelo/Angel Hair – Very, fine, solid, cylindrical pasta.
Capellini Tagliati – Broken angel hair.
Cavatappi – Medium-thin, hollow, ridged pasta twisted into a spiral and cut into short lengths.
Cellophane noodles – Cellophane noodles or bean starch noodles are made from the starch of mung beans and come as vermicelli or as flat, wide noodles. They are difficult to cut and separate when dried, so buy them in small bundles. They need to be soaked in boiling water for ten minutes or until soft, and then drained. You can also deep-fry them direct from the package.
Conchiglie or Shells – Large or medium with a ridged shell shape. Use medium shells for tomato, meat, and butter sauces. Giant shells may be stuffed and baked.
Conchigliette – Little shells. Used in light soups containing vegetables or lentils.
Couscous – Fine granules of pasta made from semolina flour. Of North African origin, couscous is traditionally cooked by steaming it over boiling water or a pot of stew.
Cresti di Gallo – Ridged, hollow, elbow-shaped noodles with a ruffled crest along one edge.
Ditaloni Rigati – Narrow tubes cut in short lengths. These “thimbles” which are available in smaller sizes and ridged or smooth, should be used in soups with beans.
Egg Flakes – Tiny, flat squares.
Egg Noodles – Usually ribbons in varying widths; may be cut long or short. They are packaged loose or in compressed bundles, and may have spinach or other flavorings.
Elbow Macaroni – Narrow, curved tubes cut in short lengths (about 1 inch).
Farfalle – Butterflies. Flat, rectangular noodles pinched in center to resemble a butterfly or bow. They may have crimped edges. Pair these with simple oil-based sauces, butter, tomato, and cheese-based sauces.
Fedelini – Very fine ribbon pasta, similar to vermicelli.
Fettucini – Long, flat, ribbon-shaped, about ¼ -inch wide.
Fiochetti or Bowties – Rectangles of flat pasta curled up and pinched slightly in the center to form bow shapes.
Funchetti – Little mushrooms. This quirky mushroom-shaped egg pasta works well in hearty soups.
Fusilli – Corkscrews. Long, corkscrew-shaped strands, thicker than spaghetti. Springy shape for meat sauces that are traditionally served with Neapolitan ragu. They can be used in baked pasta dishes.
Fusilli Corti – Short twists. These short, tight twists form hollows that will effectively trap meat, ragu, and ricotta preparations.
Gnocchi – Dumplings made from ricotta or more often with potatoes. Use gnocchi with tomato, butter, or meat sauces.
Hokkien – Hokkien noodles are round, yellow wheat noodles available from the refrigerated section of Asian and some super markets. Place noodles in a bowl and cover them with hot to boiling water. Soak for 1-2 minutes or until noodles have softened. Drain and use, as recipe requires.
Lasagne – Large, flat noodles about 3-inches wide; usually with curly edges.
Linguine – Thin, slightly flattened, solid strands, about 1/8 – inch wide. Traditionally, linguine are used with “white” clam sauces, pesto, and delicate oil-based sauces.
Macaroni – Thin, tubular pasta in various widths. They may be long like spaghetti or cut into shorter lengths.
Mafalde – Flat, curly-edged, about ¾-inch wide. Sometimes called lasagnette or malfadine.
Manicotti – Thick, ridged tubes that may be cut straight or on an angle.
Mostaccioli – Medium size tubes with angle-cut ends. May be ridged.
Orecchiette – Smooth, curved rounds of flat pasta; about ½ -inch in diameter. Pair with thick, rustic sauces or with vegetable sauces and ragu.
Orzo – A tiny pasta shape that resembles large grains of rice.
Pansotti – Pot-bellied dumplings. These are cut from 2 inch squares, stuffed, and folded into triangles. They may have straight or fluted edges.
Pappardelle – The name pappardelle derives from the verb “pappare,” to gobble up. The fresh types are ¾-1 inch wide and have fluted edges. Dried egg pappardelle have straight sides.
Penne Grandi (Sardi) – These spacious tube shapes are for use with ragu, meat, and robust vegetable sauces, such as those containing broccoli or cauliflower.
Penne Lisce– These pennes are smooth, rather than ridged. Tomato sauces, including more chunky versions, meat sauces, and cream sauces are compatible.
Penne Mezzanine – The smallest of the pennes, these half-thickness pastas are best matched with light vegetable sauces and tomato sauces.
Penne Rigate – Ridged penne are designed to take oil or butter based sauces, meat or vegetable creations, and cheese sauces. unctuous
Ramen – Ramen noodles are used extensively in Japan, although they are Chinese in origin. They can be purchased fresh, but are much more readily available dried. They are used in Japanese noodle soups. The fresh noodles need to be boiled until they are tender before being added to a soup. Most dried ramen noodles are instant and only need boiling water poured over them to be cooked.
Rice Noodles – Noodles in various widths (up to about 1/8 inch). Rice sticks are long, straight ribbons, and rice vermicelli is very thin.
Ravioli – Stuffed squares of pasta, filled with cheese, vegetable, or meat fillings, made by hand or in molds.
Rigatoni – Thick- ridged tubes cut in lengths of about 1-½ inches. Choose this robust shape for meat and sausage sauces, fresh tomato sauces, vegetable sauces, and baked timballi.
Rotelle – Spiral shaped.
Rotini – Small, round, 6-spoked wheels. The “spokes” of these pasta wheels effectively trap meat and cheese sauces.
Shanghai – Shanghai noodles are soft, flattish, fresh wheat noodles. They are found in the refrigerated section of Asian supermarkets. They have a firm texture when cooked and are used in Chinese soups and stir-fries.
Soba – Soba noodles are long, thin Japanese noodles made from buckwheat. Sometimes wheat flour is added as well as flavorings such as green tea, shiso leaves and black sesame seeds.
Somen – Somen noodles are fine white Japanese noodles made from wheat and water or egg yolk. These noodles are often cooked lightly in boiling water and served cold with a dipping sauce or in soups.
Spaghetti – Solid, round strands ranging from very thin to thin. Use spaghetti with tomato or fish sauces, or oil-based sauces.
Taglierini – Paper-thin, ribbon pasta cut about 1/16-inch wide. Also known as tagliarini, tagliolini, and tonnarelli.
Tagliatelli – Very thin and delicate flat noodles, about ¼ inch wide. Use with cream sauces and other sumptuous sauces.
Tortellini – Little pies. Made from 2-inch disks of pasta and filled with either meat or cheese.
Tortiglione – Hollow spirals. Also called succhietti (from the word for a drill bit), these short hollow spirals are for use with meat or cheese sauces.
Tubetti – Medium-small (usually about as thick as elbow macaroni), tubular. May be long or cut in lengths of about an inch. Perfect for minestrone.
Tubettini – Little tubes used in light soups.
Udon – Udon noodles are soft, creamy, buff-colored Japanese wheat flour noodles. They are usually boiled in stock or soup broth and served as an informal snack.
Vermicelli – Very fine cylindrical pasta. Similar to capellini and fedelini. Choose fine vermicelli and fedelini noodles, broken up, for broth-based soups. Thicker varieties are suitable for sauces.
Ziti – Medium-size tubes. May be ridged; and may be long or cut in approximately 2-inch lengths. Use with ragu and meat and vegetable sauces.

---

" so you've now read my blog... "

---

dear brenty,

if by now you actually have read my blog, then you will be able to tell that i have been, as they say, not so good.

today i went out with apple around BKK for about 6-7 hours. it was great. i bought a really good dictionary, so that was nice. i had a fun time talkting to her and sweating in the hot thai humidity. this is what exploration of social cultures should be like; on foot and amid the masses. while eating some ice cream and reading my new dictionary, my mom called and asked where i am, and then asked to talk to apple.

and you know my mom; really wanting to support me in my life, but also having that motherly quality of not-on-purposefully guilt-tripping everyone i know that is close to me. i mean, i understand her intentions, but for some reason it feels like that is not the way to get people to enjoy my company.

so that was strange and normal all at the same time.

other than that, i am following my heart, as poets must do.

i say that if you are stuck between family and a maybe-new girlfriend, work and life, or loyalty and a sense of betrayal, then i say do them all at once. no time to make these brash unecessary choices; just read each situation and make an intuitive decision. how else will you live?

everything in moderation; that's what i have to say to that.

love,

your friend,

bee bee ba dee bay (insert dorky happy/sad music here...like in the circus)

ps-i'm going to post this email on my blog, so you can read it there too...slacker.


wherever you are, you're there.

---

" of the path, the river, and the middle way "

---

So these are what they were writing about when they said life was going to be a journey of obstacles and outcomes. I never thought that I would have to eventually be tested as a person in such a short period of time.

Most of the time I figure that I spend as much time worrying about the intricacies (pertaining to the socio-cultural interactions )of everyday people, as I do taking a whiz. I mean I am aware and knowledgable, but how many times a day do you actually get to use this information?

These past 5 days however have been extremely trying, as I have had to defend myself as a respectful person, a dilligent worker, a trustworthy partner, and an all-around nice, strong-willed, beneficial-to-have-around person.

If tall orders begin as small lists like this, I feel that I am on my way to make a list as long as paul bunyan’s breakfast menu.

Life is strange and there’s nothing like obstacles to help you reassure yourself that you are, who you say you are. What better way to solidify these things, than to put into action, what you state with words.

Tomorrow then should be a resolution before a grand adventure that has only started; either that or I’m in for a dissapointment that I cannot as of yet fathom. I am rooting though, for the former.

---

" don't put YOUR eggs all in one basket! "

---

ever feel like everyone is all up in your business? it's great that everyone cares about you so much, but does there have to be all of this secret "keeping bay in the dark, so as to protect him from the dangers of real life?"

so really, everyone trying to shelter me...it';s too late, i know too much of the world. butt out. i appreciate your imput, but everyone must be able to live their own lives if they so choose.

i realize that i'm not an old old man, but can i please have some space in which to be able to find out some things for myself?

if i live my life in a state of constant paranoia, how will i ever learn or grow ?

like, can't i be thai and me at the same time, instead of adhereing to these unruly traditional standards?

okay, maybe nt unruly, but why cannot i even begin a relationship, before everyone tries to stop me?

i appreciate all of the looking out really, but seriously, please let me first actually go out with this girl, before everyone tries to protect me from the world and it's trappings.

if i never make a mistake, and i'm not expecting to make any, how will i ever learn how to be me here?

tell me that one professor.

somehow i feel that my life here is not my own anymore, and that i have to live in a very narrow specific way in order to exist here.

that's really starting to get to me.


ps-i'm not mad, i'm just frustrated

(ngood ngid)

---

" why is my love-life like martha stewart's stock? "

---

can somebody please just tell me what happened? it's funny. you really think that things can change, but they don't. at least not as quickly as you might think they are able to change.

so now the gigis up. everyone knows about this new girl i met. but in thailand, meeting a girl means that the pretense must be something pure and innocent, ass if everyone is born out of a lotus.

let me tell you, real life happens. i'm sorry. people get hurt, and love, and scrape their knees, and makemistakes, and everything in between. real life is not black and white. if i don't get the chance to feel that out, how will i ever become a better stronger, and more developed human being?

so me being interested in this girl is somewhat like disgracing everyone who is my family, and telling my boss that i openly disrespect her to her face.

why?

i have no clue. real life is not like this. this day must be a nightmare,because it's slowly warping into some bizarro soap opera: bay can't ever be seen or involved with any girl ever. but he is seen, and he is involved.

things got so heated today that when i talked to apple, she said okay, if your parents are going to say that, and everything is like this, then you don't have to be with me.

what the eff is that all about? we haven't even begun to do anything or go anywhere or ANYTHING AT ALL, and already the pressure is creating doubt and confusion. sound a little uneccessary? i agree.

my mom even suggested me going back to america.

if that question has to be asked, then it is apparent that no one really understands the person that i am yet. i love my parents, i do a good job at the work i do, and for this i feel like i should be getting praise or support. when i find someone that's finally interested in me, shouldn't people be happy for me first,and trust that i am trying to figure things out just like everyone else yet?

instead i am clouded by gossip, heresay, doubt, worry, and disdain.

thank you life, you're really helping me out here.

---

" this place just gets interestinger and interestinger "

---

her name is apple. couldn't you just crumble into a small pile?

so i think i can safely say that i am now happy.

it's funny, you almost think nothing of it, but planes are very important these days. without these massive tubes with gadgets and wings, i might not've found apple.

you start to think about the concept of timing and patience, matters of good luck versus proactive action, and you end up just going with the flow, because it's there, and that's what happened.

kudos to bay and his ability to overcome the language barrier and find roots in matters of the heart, right? "and isn't it about time?," others will ask.

feels weird to say it too.

"i have a girlfriend."

like, do you just state it? and how do you tell people without having it seem like a badge or a beacon of light eminating from your glistening contentment?

now, what am i going to tell my parents?

thai culture is so fun when you know the boundries and the history of social interaction, the westernization factor, and the need for the younger generation to seek out something furfilling and their own.

it's just fun is all.

please do not mention this to anyone, because i trust that you'll keep my secret.

and in doing so, i charge myself with breaking the very task's rule that i ask of.

also, english is hard. everyone has to understand that. jsut because someone doesn't understand you doesn't mean that you have to yell the same thing louder.

calm, collected, easy-going. these are the concepts of understanding and communication.

now if i can juuuust get my work permit...i think my life her can take a jimungous turn for the better.

nothing can break me now.


goodnight.

---

" it's hard to finally find something to hold onto here, and then all of a sudden feel it slipping through your fingers "

---

i had such a bad day today.

after fighting to hold the office together, to help bridge the words and expectations of the boss and the wills of the employees together, and to help organize and stream-line the tasks of the office, it seems that one person is not as strong after all.

it looks like everyone is leaving.

slowly and surely, this tiny microcausm is breaking down,

and i am still here.


what do you do when feel yourself fading away into the background, and you have nothing to clutch onto?

---

" so...do you like.....stuff? "

---

i really really really like the fact that i feel green here. is there anything more exciting than venturing out into a world unknown, and seeking out your interests amongst the masses?

i'm sitting there in the humid dusk of night and the lights are soft and dim. they seem to gently and lovingly cling to everyone's moist faces, giving them all a twilight gleam.

then it hits me. i have absolutely no idea how i would get home if these people i came with weren't here. and then i start to think about what i would do, how i would get back to the office, if i could do it, and when i got back who would i have to wake up to get in?

it starts to seep in that even though i feel confident, it's only within a one kilometer radius. other than that it is open a unexplored city life; filled with people and things and stuff.

how rad is that?


sometimes feeling lost is okay,

because everything is waiting to be found.

---

" books are great. or are they? "

---

mira0013: have you read the lone ranger and tonto fistfight in heaven?
weederman23: of the title
mira0013: huh?
weederman23: like
weederman23: i've heard of the title
mira0013: oh ok
mira0013: well its also very good
mira0013: i just finished it
mira0013: for the second time
weederman23: lol
weederman23: i miss reading
mira0013: me too
mira0013: that's all i want to do for the rest of my life
weederman23: i want to re=read this book of shorts
weederman23: by this debut author
mira0013: by
weederman23: but i forget the title and the author
weederman23: lol
mira0013: hhahah
mira0013: well i guess i can't very well send it to you
weederman23: lol
mira0013: i want to read native son
weederman23: i want to read the comic books that i've missed out on
mira0013: did you read on the road?
weederman23: nope
weederman23: what are those? kerouac?
mira0013: yup
weederman23: not too keen on kerouac
weederman23: haven't read enough i guess
mira0013: me either actaully
mira0013: well i like the writing
weederman23: yeah
weederman23: i dunno, it seems that the people who find out on their own actually love kerouac
mira0013: i couldn't relate with any of the characters
mira0013: i liked the writing style
weederman23: the other 95 percent are "turned on" to the books, then become these book/culture-pop snobs that say "oooooooh, you mean to tell me you've never real mother night? i can't even talk to you" then they turn aways a scurry into the darkness of dimly lit rooms with strange smells and tiny handmade rugs
mira0013: it was different
weederman23: usually the best books are the ones you take chances on
mira0013: always
weederman23: so, are you going to mail me one?
mira0013: yes
mira0013: but you have to tell me which one you want
weederman23: i don't need harry potter 5ive though
weederman23: i'll get back to you with a list after i consult my bookery friend on suggested titles
mira0013: well i refuse to send you that even if its the only book you ever want to read in your whole life
mira0013: ok cool
mira0013: let me know before jun 28
weederman23: deal

---

" man you know what i want right now? "

---

- a Zarry's turkey sandwich on a sweet roll with extra pickles, a bag of bbq vickie's chips, and a bottle of sarsparilla. (albany-below madison on solano ave.)

- a slice of Zachary's deep dish chicken pesto oily greasy pizza pizza.(albany-upper solano and on the oakland side of college)

- a god damn Gordo's ANYTHING! (if you don't know where, then you just don't know yo)

- a cup of tea expertly brewed by Maren Robinson from Celadon. (on solano at san pablo near the albany twin)

- the combo at Manpuku that comes with gyoza, terriyaki chicken, sushi, and hot tea for heeeeeella cheap. (on college at ashby)

- a slice of Arnell's Pizza, thin and as big as your face.(on shattuck near university)

- a Barney's burger 1/4 lb. well done with that pickle on the side that no one eats, but readily expect.(on mid-upper solano above the BART tracks and on piedmont in oaktown)

- super nachos with jack cheese and hot pico de gaillo green sauce from Picante. (either fourth fifth or sixth street below san pablo in berkeley)

- a full order stack of pancakes and a two-egger with extra crispy hash browns smothered in ketchup and onions from Nation's. on san pablo across the street fom burger king when driving away from albany into el cerrito/richmond direction)

- a super polish hot dog from Top Dog.(ask any frat boy in berkeley for location)

- hamburger, burrito or anything from that mexican food restaurant-in-a-truck at the Ashby weekend flea market. (if you're facing the berkeley hills, upper left-hand corner)

- a well done grilled burger with deluxe fixings, an order of extra crispy fries, and a large strawberry shake from The Smokehouse at one a.m.(on Telegraph ave, the real part not the UCB one-way section, two blocks back towards berkeley from alcatraz)


it's funny how much food you realize you used to eat when you are all of a sudden hungry 4000 miles away from home.

so if you're in Albany/Berkeley/Oakland, CA area, go eat something for me.

**nosh**

---

" the sound of one smile "

---

i hate getting my hair cut.

you sit there in a chair, then you have to look at yourself while some stranger looks at you, then you have to think "hmm, should i stare at myself like an egomaniacal freak, or should i stare at the floor, or at the haircutter person?"

it's all so strange of an experience for me to ever have it become what adults call "normal."

my dad was the only person who could cut my hair. i would be called forward and asked to sit. and to sit still...very very still. if i moved too much or breathed to heavy, it would ruin the cut.

no matter the weather, my brother and i would have to wait to have or hair cut. whether it be freezing-sf-fog-looming-and-nearly-snowing-but-never-so weather, or hot-hot-hot-no-shade-ever-coming-to-cover-my-head-which-is-hot-weather, there would we be, awaiting the tendered coif.

so of course this time it was no different.

i went to get my hair cut. after a month of not going out, not finding an electric clipper set, not thinking really if i was ever going to get my hair cut, i actually did.

it was horrible as well, except this time i had a friend go with me. there's nothing like an uncomfortable situation being dissolved in the comforting smile of a friend. it's as if that smile is a visual anchor which beams through the horridness of anything that might have even the semblance of fear.

so now after getting through that, i still hate getting my hair cut, but it was nice to have her with me, cause if i had to stare at myself like that one more time, i think i might have inadvertantly passed out from all of the indescribable emotional overload. that and she has great shoes.

i love being in thailand because it gives you so many opportunities to make mistakes, and then learn from those mistakes. what better way to become an adult right?

---

" and one day, you hit the mark...spot on "

---

(ple)

it was 18.40 and i saw it.

the traffic was in a slow vibratory lull.

you could smell the heavy pollutants lingering in the air

intermingling with the dusky aromas of the night vendors' street-side meals.


i stood there on the side of the road for a long time

letting it all sink in proper.


you think it'll never come again your way,

as if it had lost its way

and begun a long journey in the opposite direction.

but it snuck up upon me slow and in secret

it loomed near and inside my body.


i thought to myself that i was surely wrong,

and one day, you find that you hit the mark

...

spot on.


all of a sudden,

it's your turn again,

and you're caught off guard.


there's nothing like the feeling

of knowing that things are about to

get interesting.


your arms go swingy-dingy,

your face flushes with a swell of excitement and

a looming dooming fear.

you want to yell out loud, scream, throw up, fall down, run forever, smile until your face rips in half, explode furiously and crack in half, all at the same time.

and you remember how it felt.


as i walked back to my office, i could feel Life seething through me;

the blood surges through your body

electric and altogether

imitating the swells of water as they're sent through and inside

of energy-manufacturing dams.


but it happens from time to time,

and i'm glad that tonight

it's finally my chance again.


it feels good, and real, and new.

and i feel so ready for whatever is to manifest.


as it looks like i'll be here in Thailand for longer than previously thought,

here's to tomorrow becoming...

---

" inside of my head..."

---

whenever someone talks to me in thai, i can actually feel my brain turning tiny little gears and setting off an electrical spark that boots up the nano-computer that is my cortal synapse.

it's exciting now, because now that i'm usin more and more thai language day in and day out, the recognition of words, ideas, and sentences are becoming more shaply tuned, thus creating a more refined fuel with which my brain can run on.

it's all very encouraging.

today while waiting for my production team, i spoke with a doorman at the Penninsula hotel in BKK, for like almost an hour in Thai. he was very expressive and inquiring, and we ran the gammet of topics: work, technique, lifestyles, language, america, how to ride a horse, it was all very interesting on a socio-cultural level. he was patient and kind and genuinely himself, and that gave him an immense sense of Self, of which i appreciated very much.

thus, the gears are spinning now, and there's no stopping them.

vrooooooom.

---

" a pastry among durian "

---

you find yourself in a frech style store in thailand. croissants there are made with 84% milkfat butter, and you know how they make the sumptuous fluffy pastries. four to five hours of preparation and then a baking period in massive oves, to crate quite possibly the most delicious croissants you've ever tasted ever. they sell at 25 baht for a bag of 5, which is like just about 10 cents a piece. you stand there at the counter eating two bagfulls not really caring about your health or the fact that it might look over-indulgent. you say to yourself these are beautifully made consumables and then you go buy two more bags for later and two more for the office.

---

" the missing piece "

---

remember that time you had a cd, and it was your favorite cd of the moment; you couldn't go anywhere without having it with you. you listen to every song on it in order, at random, and knew every word by heart after the first few days?

i miss music.

i mean, i miss having access to the music that i have had the opportunity to enjoy listening to and then purchasing. it's funny how much you think that you will retain if you just can remember the way the song went, or how you felt at the time, or any number of characteristics or recollection.

but maybe for me, like most people, music is a way to gauge how diferent your life has become since that song was your staple song, your audio anchor, and your one time musical lover.

i suppose that in the near future, i will have to just find some free time to go shopping, cause i'm beginning to like the thai version of the modern guitar singer/songwwriter ballad. not that they're necessarily bad or anything like that, just that there's nothing to add them too, collection wise. and this only irks me becasue i have no musical options.

like finding out that you have no socks, but need to go to a black tie event; sure you can do it, but wouldn't you raher be wearing those socks? okay, bad example, but you get the gist.

so, if you got the albums, please go listen now to:

a) any good bjork including remixes lives rares and originals

2) beck any one of his albums especially sea change and mellow gold...then odelay and then midnite vultures

and finally

III) any any any gillian welch album; any of them. just listen to one of her songs for me and i dare you not to love it, i double-dog dare you. ooooooooooh, that's right you heard me.

---

" say what? "

---

if you spoke a different language, what would you have to say?

would other understand you, or would you just spend all of your time asking stupid but basic things like:

how much is that monkey?

where's the bathroom?

are you sure you can eat this?

so where did you say you were from again?

is this the emergency room?

where would i be able to sit in a tub of gelatin?

is this my room?

what's that smell coming from?

if this isn't butter, what is it?

can you take that cork out of your ears?

the spoon has been where did you say?

if that's not your kid, whose is he?

are you sure this is the way to the port authority?


and of course other questions as well.

where the, is the expression, the poetry, the communication?

i sit at my desk in my office everyday while i'm here and wish that i didn't hate the pop musical vacuum i'm in so much, because then i might be able to smile more. the truth is that i've never had so much time away from my comfort zone in all of my life. it's sort of scintillating and feels genuine and real. as if real life is here, and this is what it feels like to have your life be very present.

there's nothing more invigorating that the reoccuring realizatin that you are where you are, and that you are living. it of course sounds stupid, but it's funny how many peopl just sit and stare off into space, thinking nothing, feeling nothing, and being absolutely empty.

so, in light of these thoughts, gotta get moving, gotta start something, do something, be sombody.

it's funny how everytime you start to pump yourself up, it sounds sort of old and repetative. i hope this time the record doesn't skip; i hope this time my song plays on.

here's to questioning your future and living for the present.

---

" how do you say 'booyah' in chinese? "

---

06.02.04

Kowloon, near the China Border,

9:30am

- I’m sitting in a Delifrance café in a local mall, having a small breakfast of a demi-baguette with butter and strawberry jam, an egg scrambled with bell peppers and smoked salmon, and a cup of orange juice. My US passport prevents me from attaining an “instant” visa, thus allowing me into China.
- Since in cannot go to do my job, because of my nationality, I’m sitting in a French-style café in Kowloon near Hong Kong, waiting here until 2 or 3pm; the time Khun Reed and her friend will return from China. As all of these people around me eat their breakfast in a hurry, I start to wonder what will I do with all of this time?

11:30am

- Nearly a month and a half since arriveing in Thailand, and now I find myself in Hong Kong, trying to the best job I can. The wok in Thailand is constant and often fun. I believe that if I can get my Thai spoken vocabularu up a ew notches, then I can really begin to express myself a little more.
- It seems as if I am quiet a lot of the time…and I am! This is only because I am so sed to listening and observing. It’s not that I’m particularly shy; rather it’s because I believe that you can first learn a lot more about people, culture, customs, and the ins-and-outs of daily isms and interactins, if you can see how people are, where you are.
- After the visual assessment, then you can begin to try and communicate. Who knows? If you begin by doing something seemingly normal in a foreign environment, you could end up disrespecting someone or even unknowingly be doing something illegal and find yourself in the hands of the local constabulary.i rarely get to the point of thinking in extremes like this, but it’s interesting is all.

1:45pm

- Some thoughts and observations on Hong Kong.
- It’s much different thatn mainland PRC; mostly different is the presence of recent tributes to british rule. Signs, names of streets, and of buildings.
- The buildings are fully stretched towers of majesty. There is no room for plainal expansion in HK, so all of the construction works upwards. I think it’s like when people wish to reach the heavens; they fly in planes, become pilots, skydive, hang-glide, etc. being in a tall building is the closest you can get to this feeling on a daily basis.
- Or how the building up of these buildings ight reflect a cultural hope for a prosperous future; the buildings like outstretched arms towards good fortune.
- So I’ll wait until the call and try to work hard and define myself a little more each day.
- Ps. I ended up waiting for 9 hours, but I found a really cool meat market and took some photos!

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